Holiday Havoc

Christmas has come and gone..and I have been meaning to blog about the joys of the holidays...but it has taken me a long time to realize what the joys were. I KNOW the meaning of Christmas is not about the gifts and shit, but I am just talking the holidays. The part of Christmas that involves shopping in crowded stores with bitchy moms, waiting 20 minutes for a parking spot at the mall only to have some a-hole swoop in even though you have your blinker on, driving 15+ hours to see family, getting sick the day before you leave, and not sleeping more than 5 hours in one night. That part of the holidays is what kills me...and makes me want to cancel the holidays forever. ((Plus there is the Christmas music which seriously makes me want to grab anything and stab my ear drums))

So...the week of Christmas Jason and Bowen decided to make the trek to Texas a little early. They left Monday morning....leaving me in Vegas until Thursday night. That is 4 days and 3 nights without my little love bug of a baby boy. Needless to say, I was a hot mess. I cried...a lot..and was mad at Jason for taking Bowen. ((lets not get into it)) I did get some shopping done and some cleaning. But really...it was NOT worth being without Bowen. I didn't get any sleep those four days and I cried a lot which meant I wasted a ton of make up.

And then Thursday morning rolled around. And my throat hurt, and I was congested and had the worst sinus headache of my life. Go figure. I got sick the day I was supposed to leave.

I made it to Texas...it was a long flight. The 2.5 hours seemed like 7 because I was sitting next to a dude who smelled like he bathed in a fountain of vodka, offered me licorice and candy bars, and (finally) passed out and snored louder than a freight train.

Anyways, we made it through Christmas. I got to see my fam and Jason's fam. Got some good shit, like a Victoria's Secret Gift Card, and an Amazon gift card, and shoes... There may have been an epic fail of a gift ((you know I HAD to say something)), but hopefully 2011 will bring better gift giving skills. Bowen got spoiled....we have more trains and train tracks than anyone should ever be allowed to have, but the kid loves it. And when he said, "This is the best Christmas ever!!" my heart of ice may have melted...a little.

And then came the 20 hour drive home...it was not fun. There was a lot of yelling, maybe a few tears shed. ((Not by me...nope..not ever)) BUT we made it back to lucky Las Vegas. Once I was home, in my own bed, and not stressed out, I realized how much I love my family and friends and how lucky I am to have them.

So next year...next year I am medicating myself with xanax and Jack Daniels. Should be a much less stressful holiday season. Filled with inappropriate words and gestures...but entertaining none the less.

Big Boy Words

We have a problem. A potty mouth problem. I know everyone knows that I cuss like a sailor. Its been like this for quite a while now and I don't see any major changes coming on. And apparently I have rubbed off on Jason. So that leads us to a problem with a 3 1/2 foot tall little boy.

Saturday (after the epic party of 2010) Jason, Bowen, and I were laying in our dark bedroom and I was talking to my bff Andrea about the night before's happenings. And Jason reads Dana's tweet from the night before. Where he, of course, drops an f-bomb. With a mother in front of it. So...Bowen repeats, "M-Fer". Andrea laughs, I said "OMG JASON!!!" and Jason laughs. Because it is really hilarious to hear a sweet little boy say that. Don't judge me. So then I told Bowen that that was a big boy word and he could not say it. We haven't heard it again...so I think we are ok.

Anyways...before I get too deep into this post. I don't want any advice. I don't want anyone telling me how bad I am or Jason is. We don't care what you think. (Well Jason might) And OBVIOUSLY we don't want out three year old walking around saying cuss words. If I wanted an opinion I would ask for one. Just keep that in mind. And lighten up. Have a giggle. And remember that you are not perfect and you did not raise perfect children. In fact, I am pretty sure this has happened to you too. So...keep that in mind when reading this any further.

So then we were playing in the living room and Bowen drops a toy and says, "Damn!" Ok really..damn isn't that bad. But once again...I explained that it was a big boy word and he doesn't say that. AND THEN..I was in the kitchen cooking lasagna. (Which was delicious just in case you were wondering) and Jason was doing God knows what in the laundry area, and Bowen was walking around the living room looking for something. And I hear a very quiet, "F*^$. F*^$." repeated. A few times. Now...I ignored it. Plus...he was very seriously searching for a toy. And I can tell you, I have repeated the same word in the same tone when looking for something. Like an earring, or my keys, or a credit card. So I went on cooking. And Jason bellows, "WHAT is he saying?!?!?". Thankfully for Bowen and I, Bowen went to his room to play and I just shrugged and said, "I couldn't hear him."

We made it through Saturday with no more cuss word outbursts. And then Sunday rolled around. We were driving to the mall and Bowen is in the backseat and lets out this big sigh with an equally exasperated, "Shit." It was like he was expressing what we were thinking. We were about to battle the Christmas shopping, evil herd of the Galleria mall. I was trying to contain my giggling and so Jason told Bowen that he could not say that. (pretty sure he followed that up with a, "Do you understand?" which Bowen probably said "Yes" to) And then Jason said, "Well I have to take the blame for that one because that sounded JUST like me." SEE!! Its not all my fault.

Anyways, we haven't got a call from daycare, so thats a plus. And its not like he says bad words all the time. I think this weekend he was just being extra..expressive. So whatever. I am STILL a firm believer that kids need to learn they can't say certain things. I am 2-freaking-4 years old and if I want to say shit, asshole, or f*^%tard then I am going to say it.

The Epic Christmas Party

SO....Friday night was epic. EPIC. Now normally I blog about my kid. But this is worthy of a blog just about me. And Jason. And Kid Rock.

Friday night was the Zuffa holiday party. I started January 7th of this year and had just missed the Christmas party of 2009. However, I have been filled in on it and it's happenings for a year now. I knew that this year the Christmas party would be just as bad ass as last years. And I was stoked.

Ok, so Friday night Jason picked up Bowen, and a pizza, and handled business with the babysitter. (Meaning, he told her the situation, time we would be home, etc etc..not handle BizNass..ya know...bc thats not ok) I got ready at work and stopped at the 7-11 nearby for gas so I could make it to Red Rock. After getting gas my car would not start. I was already running late so this was no bueno. I called Jason, he said try to get someone to give you a jump. Umm..I don't think he realizes what kind of peeps hang out around that 7-11, but it is certainly not somewhere I like to hang alone. BUT I was late to the cocktail hour and I needed help. So I walk into 7-11 and see a nicely dressed dude. (He wasn't bad looking either) I ask, "Hey is that your truck outside?" and he says, "No." So I said, "Well I don't really care what you drive, but can you jump me?" Well..maybe I should explain that I looked like I was ready for a night out at the club. So...maybe that should have been re-phrased. Anyways, the dude was nice and said for sure. I showed him my jeep and he said he would be out shortly. He came out, introduced himself, told me he worked for a car company, gave me his card, jumped my car, and I was on my merry way.

OK...so I finally get to the cocktail hour..only a few minutes late. And it was AWESOME. There was a bar made of ice. And a chandelier made of ice. An open bar might I add. And an amazing amazing amazing buffet. I mingled and decided to eat with Andrea...Jason was still MIA, but said he was on his way. ((Sorry J..but I had to eat because my first Jack and seven was already hitting me)) Jason finally shows up, eats, we go around and take pics at these little booths they have set up. It was a great night already. And then Dana announces we need to make our way downstairs to some lounge for a video presentation.

I knew about the video presentation bc I was in it and they told me. The Zuffa production team did a re-make of the The Night Before Christmas. So we make our way down to the lounge and watch the video..which was awesome. And a dj comes on. I was stoked. It was a great night already. I went to the bar to get another drink. (Don't ask me how many I had at this point..I am assuming...4 or 5) And Kid Rock came on stage. KID ROCK.

I love Kid Rock. Went to see him with my mom back in da day. Yep. KID ROCK. At our company Christmas party. I, of course, squeezed my way up to the front. Where I leaned over the stage and touched his leg. TOUCHED. HIS. LEG. Jason also noticed that we were standing like 3 feet away from Cindy Crawford. So he was stoked.

So Kid Rock played for like an hour. After that I got molested by a drunken female co-worker (Ok..everyone was drunk by that time..so its not like she was standing out) and was dancing. Went down the dance floor and me and Jason danced and danced and danced. And drank and drank and drank.

I think we made our way home around 1ish...I mean we had to pay a babysitter and all. I may or may not have taken a small snooze on the 30 minute drive home.

And Saturday I felt like someone had beaten my legs and feet with a baseball bat. BUT it was a good night. A great night.

And I know all you are jealous that you couldn't attend or be employed at such a bad ass company. (Unless you are of course, employed by the same company, and in that case, wasn't it an effing awesome night?!?!)

Boys Will Be Boys..Or Something

Raising a boy can be a lot of fun. I mean we get to wrestle and beat each other up. And he isn't afraid to get a little dirty. And he is a mama's boy. (def the best part) But then there is the other side of things...the gross side of raising boys. And they are gross.

So potty training is over and Bowen is officially in big boy undies all the time (except for bed time). But omg..why does he have to have his hands down his pants ALL the time?? I know I have said this before, it didn't go anywhere, but I think (because obviously Bowen didn't listen) it is worth repeating.

And I swear to Jebus I can bathe Bowen and 5 minutes later he smells like a boy again. None of that sweet baby wash, just weird smelling boy!! ((The kid is clean, trust me, I bathe him every night..but there is none of that sweet baby smell that I loved so much!))

And then there is the random/weird/unnecessary information boys like to share.

Here are a few things I have heard lately..

"Mommy...I picked my boogies out. Here is one for you!"

"Mommy...poop came out of my heiney. I wiped it though."

"Mommy!! I just tooted and it smells!"

"I need a diet pepsi and chips and queso! And hurry it up!"

"Mommy! My peeeeenis is hard!" (Seriously...wtf do you say to that?!)

And thats just a few of the things that have gone on in the past 10 days. I should have known things would get worse when he peed this morning. Here is why...

I made Bowen go potty and while he was pottying I was getting his tooth brush ready. However, Bowen has horrible aim and was peeing on the top of the lid and I told him to push it down..so he tried, but peed on the floor! So I said Bowen like this and tried to help him, but he smacked my hand and told me he could do it. And then started laughing and his little penis moved up and down, which not only made him laugh harder, but made the pee go up and down all over the toilet. I mean, this all happened in like 35 seconds. It was ridiculous. And it was like 7:30 in the morning. It was like a warning that things would only get more awkward as the day went on.

And then he was in the shower tonight. I had just shut off the water and was getting the towel ready for him and I look over and he is, as usual, "inspecting" his junk. And then I hear this, "MOMMY!! I have balls in my penis!!" Umm....ummm...I just ignored it. Then this, "They're like marbles!!! FEEL THEM!!" I told him no and to stop touching his penis and that he needed to get out of the tub so he could get a new band aid. Thank heavens the band aid distracted him from his testicles. Seriously..wtf...what do you even say to this? And dear God, please please please please don't let him say something about his penis marbles tomorrow at school. I mean if the teacher DOES tell me that a convo like that comes up I will just explain that he wants to know about his anatomy..I mean..wtf am I supposed to do? LIE? I don't think so.

Anyways..I know this will get worse. I have two little brothers so I know how boys grossness only gets worse. But seriously..I was not prepared for this. Those stupid what to expect when you have a toddler and how to raise a boy bullshit ass books don't talk about penis marbles. Or smelly toots. All I can say is, my selective hearing has GREATLY improved.

And what the hell..he is my first..gotta learn somehow. The next boy will be raised by a much more knowledgeable and prepared Sarah.

The Grinch Got Me

Christmas can be a lot of fun...when you aren't getting carts rammed into you at the local Toys R' Us, or getting the finger when you take the last of a certain toy, or getting honked at while driving in the ridiculous mall traffic. I mean..Christmas is supposed to be all love and holiday spirit and giving..but it sure as hell doesn't seem that way. So anyways, I get a little bah-humbug around the holidays. If it isn't for the shitty people, its the shitty music that really does me in. But this year has started to take a turn for the better and I even found myself wanting to make my own holiday wreath! (I know! Me being all crafty and shit! Who would have thought?!)

The day after Thanksgiving Jason brought my four foot tall (Big Lots bargain) tree into the house. Bowen was SO excited. And when I plugged it in and the multi-colored lights started shining he was stoked! I was stoked! And then I realized the cool teal and hot pink and glittery silver ornaments that I have had since Bowen's first Christmas were nowhere to be found. (They were also a Big Lots bargain, but dude, they were SO cute) So I resorted to hanging the hand painted, glass ornaments that my mom and grandma had given me. Bowen had a BLAST hanging the ornaments. Especially the one that plays songs when you press the button. ((I hate Christmas music..and of course..this ornament plays Christmas music)) Every night when we get home the first thing he does is plug in the tree. Its so cute!!

AND he knows about Santa. This year Santa is bringing him Rosie. ((DUH a train)) He even saw Santa and an elf in the aquarium at the Silverton and got to talk to him. (Unfortunately I missed out on this...Jason is a punk) And this coming Saturday we are going to the mall (bc Santa likes to see everyone at the local mall before his big night) to see the Big Man himself. I have an issue with grown men dressing up as Santa or the Easter bunny or whatever and having kids sit on their laps. Its creepy. Obviously they aren't going to do anything to my child while I am hovering..I mean standing..next to him. But its creepy.

But the big thing...the holiday tradition I love the most...he watched How The Grinch Stole Christmas ((the old school cartoon one)) with me last night. It was SO cute. He even got pissed when the commercials came on. ("Mommy where is the Grinch?" and "But I don't want Powwy Pocket..I want the Grinch!!") Anyways..the pic above is him sitting next to me quietly, and very still-ly (its a word..trust), completely taken back by the singing Whos in Whoville. It was the best moment ever.

So all in all..even though I hate the fact that Christmas music is playing in every effing store imaginable (it literally makes me want to slit my wrists) and that this time of year becomes "Tis the season..to be an a-hole"..I am super stoked about all that comes with Christmas. I can't wait to take Bowen to look at lights and I am SO excited for Christmas morning and the stocking opening.

And maybe tonight Bowen will sing me Jingle Bells (because his version makes my heart grow instead of the usual effect these songs have on me) and we can snuggle together again and watch A Charlie Brown Christmas or something holiday inspired.

Bring On The Garlic!!!

So. I hate to admit this. But I love the Twilight series. I know. I know. I am a bad ass. I am a take no shit type of girl. But I fell in love with the books immediately. (Read them all in a week) And have all the dvd's and may or may not have some Jacob and Edward paper plates in my cabinet. ANYWAYS....today I found something devastating out. DEVASTATING!!!

Bowen is Team Edward!!

WTF!! I know..I was shocked. Edward is like an over-sensitive, PMSing dude. And he is glittery...what kind of MAN is glittery? (unless he just left the strip club..then I can kinda understand)) I mean, Jacob, is all rough and tough, and hot and dark skinned, and filled with rage, and raw power, and is BUFF...and..well..wow.

So let me explain what happened.

I picked Bowen up from school and he had THREE band-aids on. Now..don't be alarmed. The kid can gently bump his hand on a table or something and need a band aid. But there was one on his neck..which was weird.

So after we finger painted and he took a shower, I made him take off the neck band aid so I could see if it was a real owie or not. I asked him what happened and this is the story he told me...

Mommy: Bowen what happened to your neck??

Bowen: A vampire bit me!!!!

Mommy: A what?!

Bowen: A vampire!!

Mommy: What is a vampire?

Bowen: It has sharp teef and scary claws!! ((And he showed me his teeth and his claws))

Mommy: Who told you about vampires??

Bowen: My Nana told me about vampires. And one BIT me on my neck. I need a band aid.

Can you see my dilemma?? My own child is now a vampire. A cold one. Sigh...wtf am I going to do??

I called my mom, Bowen's Nana, immediately and told her what he said. She laughed of course, and then blamed ME for watching Eclipse while he was awake. Ok dude, the only part he paid any sort of attention to was when the amazing, incredible, werewolves were on screen. So I am no way responsible for this.

But on a more serious note...what am I going to do with a vampire for a kid when I have made the decision to support the werewolves??

Eff YOU, Monday!!

It has been a Monday. Like the Monday of all Monday's. Like I don't just have a case of the Monday's, but this Monday effing attacked me.

Remember how when you were little and you had been on Thanksgiving or Christmas break and you stayed up late and slept in and maybe even took a nap since you were out of school? Then the Sunday before school started your mom made you go to bed early (or atleast on time) because you had to be up early and get back on your schedule? Remember this?? Well...it happened to me last night. Me and J have been staying up late (watching CMT...I am pretty sure someone poisoned me and this is my reasoning behind the CMT watching) and B-Nasty had been staying up later and sleeping in. Which was FAB. Until last night. Bowen went to bed on time, with no fight. I went to bed at 9:30 (don't judge me..my plan was to get up before 6 and go to the gym), but of course...couldn't sleep. And then when I did sleep I was waking up ALL the time. So...I am working on, like 4 hours of sleep.

Then at 5:30 this morning the elephant of an upstairs neighbor clomped up and down the stairs 5 times. 5 times!!! This woke me up, as well as Bowen. So Bowen was rolling around, snuggling me, playing with my hair, stealing my covers, whispering. Anyways...I re-set my alarm to 6:20...due to my lack of sleepn the gym was not happening..and tried to ignore Bowen until I HAD to get up. The ignoring did not go so well, so really I got up at 5:30.

All was well until I tried to put my make up on. Of course, my new eye shadow was not as wonderful as I thought it would be. Then I sat my make up bag on the counter only for it to fall all over the ground. I tried to get dressed and after trying on 5 outfits, the first one 3 times, realized nothing was going to look good on these extra 5 pounds that I have gained. And thats when I noticed I had to pack Bowen's lunch, brush his teeth, get him dressed, and get us both out of the door in 5 minutes.

Bowen threw a fit when I told him he had to go potty and brush his teeth. This involved me taking the iPod he was so quietly playing. Which led to the tempter tantrum of 2010. I drug him into the bathroom and tried to brush his teeth while he gagged and retched bc he was crying and being a royal pain in the ass. He actually got dressed with no problem, but then we couldn't find his shoes. So the clock was ticking and I should have been leaving while Jason and I searched for shoes. Jason found them and Bowen took off...shutting himself in our bathroom. WTF. I get him dressed and we go to daycare. Just a few minutes behind schedule.

Bowen has been out of school for 9 days. And thats a lot for him. He hates the mornings and he ALWAYS always ALWAYS cries as soon as we get to school. So today was no different. He clung to my leg and bawled and bawled. And then when I sat him on the ground and tried to get him to play blocks he crawled under a table to cry. So I was like well..shit...what can I do? And got ready to leave, I turned around for one last look and this little shit of a 3 yr old ran to Bowen and ROARed at him. Like a dinosaur. This sent Bowen into a MASSIVE fit. Like with blood curdling cries. I wanted to go over to that kid and push him, face first, onto the ground. WTF kid?! I mean Bowen wasn't doing anything to him! BUT I sucked it up and walked out.

After that I needed a drink of Diet Pepsi. I pull the tab and it sprays everywhere. So there I was...in the preschool parking lot...with pepsi dripping down my mirror and in my hair, holding my hand out the window with a cold Diet Pepsi in it, while it finished spraying. Did I mention it was 37 degrees outside? I was pretty sure my hand was going to freeze to the can, like a tongue would freeze to an ice cold pole. (haha Just pictured the scene from A Christmas Story)

So...I needed a Diet Pepsi...and gas. I stopped at the convenience store and got gas and a much needed caffeine fix and was on my merry way. I plug in my iPod...and its being a touchy little biotch today. (You have to have the cable in it just a certain way or one speaker goes out and it has all this static...I need a new iPod) So I am fighting with the damn iPod all the way to work, trying to get my morning jam on so I can make it till lunch time. You see...if I don't get my morning jam, my mood is terrible.

I got to work and was taking my lunch to the fridge and reached in to find my apple. For a mid-morning snack, ya know? And it wasn't in there. I go to the car to see if it rolled out of the bag. No apple. WTF. So I left my triscuits, that are for my lunch mind you, at my desk, just in case. About 10 I grab a triscuit. It is hard as a rock. No shit. I might have broke a tooth on it. SO...not only was my snack gone, but my lunch wasn't going to work out either.

Anyways...the rest of the day has gone ok. I have a Pampered Chef party tonight. I have never been to one of these so I am not sure what to expect. And I need to go the gym...work off some steam...and bread and pumpkin pie. But that will just have to wait till tomorrow. Anyways, the day has gotten better, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am not a morning person. The days need to be a little gentler in the mornings and about 10 can come at me full force.

For My Stinky Monster

Do you ever have one of those days..or hours..or even just fleeting moments..where you get all sappy and rememberful (like that word? you can use it if you want)? So here is the deal..me and Jason were sitting on the couch watching CMTs 40 top songs of the decade. I know, I know..me watching CMT. As in COUNTRY music. Despite the fact that I am an obvious ass kicking, rock loving chick..I do like some country. BUT its once in a blue moon that I listen to it. However, tonight I was listening. And there were some really good songs on there. Songs that made me think of the past and the future.

For example...when I left my ex for the first time, I remember listening to "Jesus Take The Wheel" by Carrie Underwood on repeat. And anyone who knows the story of me and the ex will understand why it hit home. It only makes it more meaningful because she was heading home and had a baby in her car, just like me. Was it a really hard time full of heartbreak and chaos?Most definitely. But it happened for a reason, made me a better, stronger person. And that song will always mean something to me.

And if you're a parent and you've heard the song "You're Gonna Miss This" by Trace Adkins you have probably had that same little twinge in your heart that I got. Time flies by. I miss being able to hold Bowen for more than one minute. I miss the first time he rolled over, the first time he crawled and walked. There are the times that seem to last forever (like teething), but really they go by SO fast.

Anyways...I am sitting at the kitchen table where Bowen ate lunch. There is nacho cheese smeared to my right and a picture that he drew right next to it. He is sleeping in the bedroom right behind me. And I know he is sleeping because I just went in there and laid next to him and watched him sleep. It amazes me how far me and that little guy have come.

Bowen was planned (and I was even married!! Give me some credit ya'll!) and he is my miracle baby. My first real memory of him was at the doctor's office. I was getting my first ultrasound and my mom was with me and there he was in black and white. And his yolk sac was right above his head which made him look like an angel. In fact that ultrasound says "angel baby" on it. I cried, my mom cried. And my whooooole life changed right then and there.

And of course there was the day he was born. There really is nothing like seeing and holding your baby for the first time. I hadn't even held him yet and I told my mom, "I would do it again in a heartbeat". And I would. There is definitely no love like a mother's love. And it only grows as your baby grows.

I know I have mentioned like a jillion times before how much Bowen and I are alike. It is SO true. Not only is he loud and obnoxious, but he hates mornings like me, he loves smooches and squeezes, he likes to snuggle, and he has a temper. The kid is my mini-me. (now he may not look like me, but I def got the better part of the deal) When I am sad, Bowen knows it. When I am happy, he feeds off that too. He can push my buttons though, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

What I can't believe is that he is already 3 1/2...going on 25. I can't believe he put his own shirt on today or asked me if the sun came up this morning. I swear it seems like yesterday that I was holding him for the very first time.

I'm not a very religious person, but I believe in God and I believe that things happen for a reason. And I think Bowen was put in my life at the time he was for a reason. I can't imagine where I would be without him. Bowen has been my only reason for getting out of be sometimes, more times than I'd like to remember. He was the reason I didn't give up and he was also the reason I threw in the towel when I did. He has been there when I have cried, he has been there when I have laughed. He has been there when I have hit rock bottom and he has been there when I have celebrated. Bowen may not ever realize how much he means to me, because I am pretty sure there is no way I can put those feelings into words. But I can promise this...I seriously don't think I could live without him.

So some day...if he ever reads this...I hope he gets a glimpse of just how much he means to me.

Happy Effing Thanksgiving!!!

All over Facebook there are people posting what they are thankful for. I don't want to waste a facebook post on something everyone is doing (facebooks updates are only for serious stuff! ;-) ) so I am going to waste..I mean use...my phenomenal blogging skills to tell everyone about all the awesome things that I am thankful for.

Here we go...

1. Diet Pepsi. Uhh..shut up..this is my blog. I can be thankful for DP. And let me tell you, Jason and Bowen are thankful for it too. I am a serious biotch without this brown, bubbly liquid in my system.

2. Electricity. Yep, seriously. I mean, can you imagine NOT being able to use a microwave, watch TV, plug the computer in so you can check fb or twitter..I mean..the news and weather?? I couldn't. Until we moved into our apartment this year..then I didn't have to imagine..it was a reality. And it sucked serious ass. We didn't have lights, heat, a way to cook a quick lunch. It was awful. (It lasted like 3 hours, but for reals, it was a looong 3 hours)

3. Disposable diapers. Now my baby is out of diapers (except for a pull up at night), but I did use them for 3 years. And I thanked buddha every time I changed one. There is no way in hell I would use a cloth diaper and have all that extra work involved.

4. The iPod. Ok not only does this effing amazing creation hold all my bad ass tunes, but it can also act as a mini-babysitter. Need your kid to stop throwing things at the table behind you during a dinner out? Put on a movie on the iPod. Is your child begging for your attention while to try to cook, clean, pee? Let him play a game on the iPod. Seriously..I would be lost without my iTouch.

What?? Sorry...didn't hear you.. You don't think these are serious enough things to be thankful for??? Oh. Well..hold on a second and I will see what I can do. (I am a people pleaser, what can I say?)

1. My baby boy. Duh. I am obviously thankful for him. He is my whooole wide world. I love him to pieces and would be a lost without him. (even though he wrecked my body and drains my bank account)

2. My family. My daddy had cancer two years ago and (thank God) is now in remission. You really don't realize how much your parents mean to you and how much you need them until something happens. I love my parents more and more every day and miss my brothers and sisters ALL the time. Friends may come and go, but family is here forever.

3. J-Watson. So the man drives me effing insane. Sometimes I want to punch him in the throat. BUT he has been there for me through a lot of shizz (even held my hand through a biopsy) and is a great dad to my evil monster of a child. And (if he ever figures out that I run this show) I see a happy and love-filled future with us all together.

4. Jason's family. If it wasn't for his mama pushing it, Jason would have never been driven to come check me out at the office. But more importantly, they have all been very loving and have made me and Bowen feel right at home. (I think they all like Bowen more than me, but whatever..I can pretend its because they think I am really amazing)

5. Friends. When I moved to Vegas I left the best friends a girl could ever have behind. And then it took me for-freakin-ever to make friends here. (Vegas sucks like that ya'll.) But the few true friends I have made are awesome. And I definitely appreciate my friends back home even more. So I am definitely thankful for the people I can call my friends.

6. The bad times. Lord knows I have been through some shit. But I wouldn't be the strong person that I am today if I hadn't gone through all the bad. So I am thankful I wasn't handed everything on a silver platter, that I had to work for what I wanted, that I got tough love, and all the other crap that no one wants to get into detail about. At the end of the day, even though I have a bad mouth and will beat a bitch down, I know that I am a good person.

So there ya have it, folks. In a nutshell..this is what I am thankful for. I mean, the first list could have gone on and on and on. I hadn't even gotten to how thankful I am for shoes! SO everyone have a very happy Thanksgiving and if you are travelling, be safe!

I'm Turning Into My Parents

((Above is a pic of Bowen and my mom...getting ready for Bowen's third birthday party...looks like Nana said something bad!!))

You know how when you grow up your parents say shit that doesn't really make sense. Or it made sense, but just seemed stupid. But most importantly, you vowed you would NEVER say that or do that. THEN you become a parent and it slowly starts happening.

Here is a little glimpse into what I am talking about:

There is: "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." Here is the problem, obv something made me cry to begin with so you won't be making me be quiet if you spank me and really give me something to cry about. As a child it didn't make sense...but now as a mother, I understand WHY they said this.

Or: "You'll do it and like it." OR "You'll eat it and like it." Pretty sure NOTHING is going to make me LIKE picking up dog poop. And no matter how much cheese you put on a brussel sprout, its still disgusting. Just saying.

And then: "Because I said so" also interchangeable with "Because I am your mom/dad". I don't give a damn if you are the king of frikkin England, it did not make me feel any less pissed off when my parents said this shit. (this became used more often when I was a teen)

And who could forget: "Someday you'll thank me for this" Alright...some times I do understand why they did the things they did...but not always. Like NOT allowing me to walk to Rosa's from the movie theatre. I still don't get it. And after a while I just did it anyways, then hauled ass back to the movies before my mom or dad could arrive.

Anyways...I am now a parent..and I have begun to say things that I am sure my parents said to me. ((Even the "I'll give you something to cry about" thing)) Seriously..kids are obnoxious and know how to push buttons. Even Jason says some shit...but what Jason says drives me nuts. Like I want to pick up whatever is near me (a crayon, toy car, knife...whatever) and throw it at him when he says this one thing...."Do you understand?"

You're probably saying, "What's wrong with that?" Let me get into detail. Now he tells Bowen this ALL the time. Like he can be telling Bowen that we are going to go to the store and when we get back he can watch Dora the (annoying as hell) Explorer. But he says it in this tone that is like nails on a mother loving chalkboard. I have told him 2o5834908530968 times that I hate it beyond belief...that it sounds like he is talking to Bowen like Bowen is a complete moron (which he is not). So let me tell you what happened this weekend.

Yesterday I was sleeping in (Jason slept in the day before) and when I woke up Bowen came into my room and was talking to me. He was telling me some story, no idea what it was really about, and then said, "And Jason said, 'Do you understand?' "...omg I lost it...of course I was laughing, but then I was like Jason thats not cool. Now Jason says its because Bowen responds to him that way..like he gets it. I tell him that he can say "ok?" or "Got it?" and it would seem MUCH nicer and less condescending. Jason argues and argues...so I just told him that it can't continue to be in that condescending tone forever, Bowen is 3 right now, but when he is 8 and Jason does that, I wouldn't blame Bowen throwing a right hook at him. Because it makes me want to throw a right hook FOR him.

But then there was this on Saturday. Bowen is all boy. And when I say all boy I mean ALL. BOY. As in he wants to fight everyone (playfully of course, but he packs a punch) and wanted to be a PENISeratops dinosaur last night and thinks its hilarious to stick pretzel sticks up his nose. The point is...sometimes threatening to beat him works when he is misbehaving. So this is what happens...Bowen repeatedly misbehaves and I try a break (aka a time out) or something and then he crosses the line and I say, "Bowen if you do that again I am going to bust your ass." I can count on one hand the number of times he has actually received a spanking after that has been said.

Well Saturday Bowen was ridiculously hyper. He was running from his bedroom, into the living room and jumping on us, then running back to do it again. And all of a sudden, from my baby's mouth comes, "I gonna bust your ass!!" Jason starts cracking up and gets up to leave. Being the (professional, smooth-in-a-time-of-crisis) mommy that I am, I put on my serious face and tell Bowen that he is not old enough to say that...that only mommy's and daddy's can say that.

I never thought I would think that I would once say that I am turning into my parents..but I might be. Pretty sure my dad told me he would bust my ass...and I am SURE he has told 1...or all...of his kids that they can't say something because they are not grown ups yet. (Some day I will tell you the story of my littlest brother re-enacting a scene from Saving Private Ryan with his army men) Now if we could just work on Jason's sayings...his suck. Mine...pretty damn memorable. (and funny when repeated)

Baby Fear...Not Fever

Way back when I was a wee little girl, running around in my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle house shoes, with my undies over my jeans, and my hair a tangled mess I dreamed of being a mommy. Not just any mommy, but a mommy who drove a mini-van and had 8 kids. Yes. 8. ((Ok now in all reality the afore-mentioned child was really like 4 years old..I should have described my 8-10 yr old self..but not nearly as cute or fun)) Fast forward to today....I am a divorced, mother of a 3.5 yr old, who drives a mommy mobile, but not a mini-van. And instead of 8 kids I am leaning on keeping the kid count to...1. Those of you who know me are probably gasping in horror..are completely confused...worried about my mental health. But before you call Jason or my mom and demand that someone take me to the hospital...hear me out.

So...there are LOTS of reasons for this huge change of heart. Would I LOVE to have another one. Fo sho. But....things have changed and I didn't live happily ever after and that makes me re-think my previous motherhood goals. Below is a list of a few reasons.

1. Bowen is 3.5 yrs old...so if I got prego TONIGHT, my kids would be 4 yrs apart. Which isn't horrible...but the fact of the matter is, there will be no baby making tonight. In fact, there will be no baby making for over a year...if not more. Which leads me to number.....

2. Jason and I aren't engaged. In fact..he has told me since we started dating (almost 2 yrs ago) that he would propose in 7 yrs. SO I've got 5 more years to go. And then the year it takes to plan the wedding. AND THEN...maybe we can discuss kids. So...seriously...we aren't having kids for atleast 2 years. (because supposedly he has a plan and it is sooner than 5 yrs) So my baby boy will be atleast 6 before I can even bless with him a sibling.

3. I am 8 years younger than my big sis. She didn't want me. In fact..she hated me. (not lying) We didn't get along or have anything in common until I was like 12...and even then its not like we could hang together. So now that I am 24, we have a good relationship. I mean..I think it got good when I was like 19 or 20. Anyways the point is, if you space your kids out too much they won't be close...and I do NOT want that for my kids. I know how much it sucked. And it sucked a lot.

4. I love Bowen a lot. Like so much its crazy. He and I are SO close, its been just me and him from the beginning. Plus he is kind of a little miracle. (not in the way that ALL babies are miracles, but like I shouldn't have been able to have the kid) He and I have the same personality, we act the same, sleep the same...etc etc...so I don't know if I could ever love anyone as much as I love him. Every mom tells me that this is totally untrue...but it does worry me.

5. And then there is the split home situation. I know if I do ever have other kids that I will figure this out and worrying/thinking about it right now is not doing me any good. But I worry how Bowen will handle everything. Like will he be upset that he has a different last name than the other kids? Will he be upset that he has a different dad? If his dad ever starts seeing him, how will he feel about missing weekend stuff? Like I said...I know its not doing me any good to worry about it now, but thats my nature. (so kiss my ass)

6. And...to be a little vain...umm...I just recently (like a year ago...maybe close to 2 now) got my body back into semi-decent shape. I mean when I was pregnant with Bowen I was huge. LIKE A WHALE. I never thought I was that big and kept thinking that the reason people were giving me these pitiful looks was bc I didn't have my wedding ring on and I looked young. (uhh..it didn't fit...not because I didn't want to wear the gorgeous thing) Come to find out, it was because I was ginormous and looked like I was about to pop out 3 kids at the same time. So umm yea...

Ok the truth is...I would love more kids. I think having a baby is an awesome thing. I think Jason deserves to have one of his own and get to experience all the morning sickness and mood swings and weird cravings. And I want Bowen to have a sibling. And I love babies. All of them...but...as you can see...its not always as easy as a fun rumble in the bedroom..and viola! A baby. I think Jason is getting worried because of my change of heart...but I mean..maybe I just need some positive vibes sent my way...or to hold a new baby...or an accident. Just saying!!!!

The Shit My Kid Says/Does

There is a guy on facebook and twitter that posts all the random crap his dad says. In fact, its called 'The Shit My Dad Says'. Love the guy...its HILARIOUS. A lot of times... I feel like that. The stuff Bowen tells me is so weird and random sometimes that if he hadn't included a shit or damn I might think it was someone else's kid. So here are some of our random moments as of late.

Last Saturday Jason, Bowen, and I went to lunch with Jason's college roomie, Nate. I had never met Nate before so I was TRYING to make a good impression. (of course, this did not work out) So we are at the table and me and Bowen are drawing, playing trains, the usual. He stands up on the chair and lifts his shirt and says, "Mommy, I have boobs?" So maybe boobs is not the right term, but how do you explain that he has pecs or whatever? I just said yes. THEN he grabs my shirt and starts pulling it down (AND it was a v-neck..so hello...) and says, "Mommy, you have boobs?" I said yes as I was frantically trying to pull my shirt up. (Not that there is a lot to see..hello A-cup) And he GRABS a boob and says, "Right there?!" Uhh yes kid..thats a boob. Thanks for pointing it out. I was able to distract him and no more boob talk happened that night. But so much for the good first impression.

Tuesday night Bowen and I were laying in my bed reading books. So we were laying in bed reading about the monster under the bed when he stopped me and said, "Mommy..I have boogies." Alright...I got him a kleenex and tried to get him to blow his nose. I was told that you don't do it like that. THEN he stuck his little finger up his little nostril, picked a boogie, and wiped it on my arm! (all in like 1.375 seconds so I couldn't even react!) I freaked out and told him NOT to wipe his boogies on me and tried looking for the kleenex that magically disappeared all while gagging and saying gross. He thought it was HILARIOUS.

Wednesday night Bowen and I needed to go run an errand. I had my hands full of crap and he wanted me to carry him. So I said no, started walking, he got pissed and stood at the front door. I threw everything into the car and went back to get him. When I grabbed him I was telling him that when I say its time to go, he needs to come with me, blah blah blah...he looks at me..very serious, puts his hand in my face (like on of those 'talk to the hand' type of things) and says, "SILENCE!" which sounded like siwence. NORMALLY I can keep it together, but this totally caught me off guard and I started laughing.

Yesterday was Veteran's Day and our daycare was closed. (don't even get me started on this) I couldn't get a sitter and Jason was in Canada so I stayed home with the evil monster. We got up around 9 (soooo nice) and Bowen went pee and said he needed some undies. So I grabbed his Spiderman boxer-briefs. (I love little boys in boxer briefs...er...in a total non-creepy way..they just look cute! Like little men! Shit...this isn't getting any better) SO he puts them on and starts singing, "Spiderman...spiderman..." and then says, "I WUV dat song." So cute. Then he wants me to put on Thomas. So I did. Then he starts humming (kinda off..but whatever) the Thomas theme song. SO cute. And when he is done says, "Mommy...I just WUV that song." Those moments are the good ones..he isn't wiping snot on me, groping me, saying cuss words, or destroying things. I love these moments..mostly because they are out of the norm for us, so you have to cherish them.

And this morning I was getting ready...had just got out of the shower and opened the bathroom door and Bowen was standing there. I thought he was in bed so I was totally caught off guard. Scared the Bejesus out of me. I gasped and jumped and Bowen smiled up at me and said, "Don't worry Mommy, I not a monster!" and then walked over to me and patted my leg and said, "Its ok...don't be scared." Gotta love the kid.

Ok...I re-read this..this post is LAME. Aside from the boob thing it sounds like our life is semi-normal. Here I thought I was this crazy parent living with a crazy demon child....there is no way my life can be this normal!! Before you know it I will be the head of the PTA and the room mom! (bahahahaha yeaaaaa right)

Random Shizzzz

Kids are so random. So today is just a blog of random shit that happened this weekend. I am sure there is more...but I have slept since then.

Yesterday Bowen was playing in his bedroom and I realized we needed to go to Target. So I went to get him and told him that I would buy him a toy if he went because I was just too tired to deal with the fight. He got all excited and said OK and ran to the door. This is what he had been doing in his room...changing his outfit. He was looking hot though.

He had on his red Thomas the Tank Engine pj pants, a tee shirt, then a blue plaid button down shirt on top, and his flip flops.

Some moms would have said he had to change...I offered him a hat..but he said no. (and the hat would have totally made the outfit)

Then last night I was folding laundry and he said, "Give me a kiss!". For my kid...this is weird...I normally have to beg for smoochers, or tell him I will only get him a cookie if he gives me a kiss. So I gave him a kiss and he went off to play. Then a few minutes later he came into my room and said, "I'm so happy your mine mommy!" Seriously..sweetest thing ever. He probably has no idea what the hell that means, but I sure love it.

And then there was this morning....I went in to wake up the beast (because thats what he is in the mornings) and he tells me, eyes still closed, "I can't wake up." I asked, "why not?" His reply, "There are snakes in my dredroom." I laughed and said, "what?" And he said, "Snakes, Mommy. In my dredroom. You have to kill them." And then rolled back over. Eventually he woke up and realized he had been dreaming....or that there were no snakes...either way..it was a good way to start the day.

And last but not least, we got to school this morning and of course, he wanted to be carried in. (let me tell you how dangerous this was, I am in platform 6 inch heels, carrying a bag, lunch box, keys, and a 40 pound kid) So I get him to the door and he yells, "Ouch!! YOU hurt mine PEEEENIS!!!" Umm...sorry kid...then he stomped to the door, lecturing me about not hurting his penis. Luckily, once we got inside he stopped talking about it, gave me a hug, and even said hey to the kids when they said, "Hi B-b-bowen!". (Like I said..good morning!!)

Oh kids...they are pretty entertaining. Sometimes I think we could even get rid of the cable, but then I remember that we wouldn't have a built in babysitter...I mean, we wouldn't be able to teach Bowen the wonders of the world. Who the hell am I kidding? Thank Jebus for Nick Jr and the Disney channel or I would lose my effing mind.

Table for Three

Above is a pic of me and Bowen at a restaurant...trying to eat breakfast...so imagine how he is when he is at home.....this leads me to my most recent debacle.

So back in the day...when my dad and stepmom got married...when it was just me and my little brother, Chance, we used to have dinner at the table every night. Then they had my little sister, Addison, and dinners at the table started slowing down and it was dinner where ever you wanted most of the time. THEN they accidentally got prego with my little brother, Declan, and then it was fend for yourself, eat where you want, don't get in trouble or make me yell at you. However, when we would go visit my mom, we almost always had dinner at the table. I kinda liked it. A lot of my friends had dinner at the dinner table and it always seemed so nice and normal. I always wanted to have family dinners when I had kids too.

When I got married me and the ex used to eat at the table...but as soon as Bowen popped into our lives, I usually ate standing up in the kitchen while making bottles or cleaning and he watched tv and ate. Then it was just me and Bowen and he ate on his little table and I ate standing up in the kitchen next to him. THEN we moved in with Jason. Jason once told me that he wanted to have dinner at the table like he did when he was growing up. We didn't have a table until just recently. And Bowen has developed this serious issue with food, so he normally snacks all night and me and J would do dinner in front of the tv. Not what either of us really want.

Then this weekend a miracle (or curse) happened. You know when you live in apartment complexes and someone moves out there is a great chance of them leaving their furniture outside. Well it was our lucky day and they did just that. There was a pretty decent table and chairs outside and it fit perfectly in our little dining area. So I made Jason get it. (its just a short term thing...SOON we will get a nice brand new table...don't judge me a-hole!)

We took it inside and upon further inspection, the two chairs suck, buuut they can be replaced. (wally world here I come) The table is a little scratched (probably seen one too many nights of quarters and beer pong, but that just means we can do it too and not feel bad about ruining the table!) but it isn't too bad. All in all, its a-ok! (especially in a house where it will certainly be destroyed by trains and/or make up and hair dye)

Last night we tried our first dinner at the table. It was not all that I had imagined. Bowen didn't want to eat (duh) and kept swinging the computer chair that is serving as his chair into the side of the table. Jason got up from the table twice to see what drama was happening on tv...and I was exhausted and 1.5 seconds away from ripping what little hair I have out of my head. Bowen didn't eat (even after I begged him to eat one fish stick so we could go get ice cream...mostly bc I really wanted some) and was obnoxious and yelling. SO it was not the hunky dory, happy family meal I had envisioned. But I am going to give it another try. Maybe bring out a placemat or three out...try to make it LOOK fun and nice.

Either way...we got ONE more piece of furniture to pile crap on. AND when we have Thanksgiving dinner, we can sit at a cutely decorated table. (ok the decorations probably won't happen, but I can hope) And maybe, just maybe, Bowen will start eating dinner like a normal kid!! Orrr maybe I will take up having a glass of wine with dinner just so I can make it through it. ;-)

The Wicked Witch of Kansas

Well...I survived through Halloween. Like I said before, its my fav time of year...so I tend to party hard...and I made it. However, I may not make it through this week. My mom, aka Nana, has been in town since Friday night. My sweet as sugar baby boy is this evil, demonic, bratty child now. Seriously!

Bowen is suuuch a mama's boy. And I LOVE it! I am used to getting snuggles and hugs and kisses whenever I want. But when his Nana is around, it does NOT happen. In fact, he hates me. All weekend him and Nana played trains and made haunted gingerbread houses and did arts and crafts. (It was kind of nice yesterday bc I felt like someone hit me with a semi..but anyways) I KNOW that grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandkids and leave them for their parents to deal with. Believe me...I hear this excuse a lot. BUT its bullshit! NOW I have to be the bad guy and make this kid get his shit..I mean act...together and be normal again.

Here is my situation, the kid is waaaay off his schedule. Last night he didn't pass out until 11 and his normal bed time is between 8 and 8:30. And he is NOW used to getting everything he wants and being waited on hand and foot. AND he has an attitude. So none of this is ok. I am PRAYING that tonight he is sleepy and will go to bed with me at 8..because I am still recovering..er..sleepy..

And hopefully he will take a nap at school so the 2 hours I have him at home with me won't be totally like hell week.

And the attitude. I can sport some attitude myself, so the kid learns from the best, but DAMN. Anytime I tried to walk into his bedroom he would stick his hand up and wave me off, tell me, "Get outta here! WEAVE my dredroom!" I didn't think this would happen until I had a teenage daughter. Obviously, I was way off. (like most things in my life) This morning he was snuggled up with his Nana in bed and I went to lay down beside him (seriously having snuggle withdrawals) and he told me I couldn't lay with him. I am a tough cookie, I can handle some shit, but he did sort of crack my heart a little. Thankfully, his Nana knows me, and talked him into letting me snug him for a minute. (Thanks mom..I really needed a Bowen snuggle)

And...now I know this is selfish...but we all know she comes to see Bowen. I am a pretty big mama's girl. Me and my mom are really close. Like we talk ALL the time. Email everyday during the day, usually call at night...so we are close. I used to see her every single day, so its tough now that we don't live anywhere near eachother. So I, of course, miss the mom/daughter bonding time. And unfortunately, they are always quick trips. So not only am I left with an evil monster child, but I miss my mom too!

But the worst is yet to come. Like anytime she visits, she drops him off at school before she hops on her broom...I mean plane..back to Kansas. So when I go pick him up today this is the first thing he will ask, "Where is my Nana?" and then I have to tell him that she went to her house in Kansas. And then he will get those big blue puppy eyes going and say, "I so sad...I miss my Nana." And then it will make me get big hazel puppy eyes...and its all downhill from there!

I love when my mom comes to visit, but she sure leaves a path of destruction when she heads home..and that path is named Bowen. Wish me luck ya'll!

Happy Halloweenie!!!

It is my favorite time of the year...Halloween time. I love Halloween. My mom used to make all of my costumes (and the other siblings..but lets focus on me) and once I hit my teen years, I usually had more than one. (duh, because you can't wear the same costume to numerous parties) One year we even had our family pics taken around this time and were dressed up as witches and a goblin dude (bc Chance refused to be a witch...I dunno why). Anyways..point is...I love LOVE love Halloween. However, my past few Halloween's have been less than exciting...mostly due to my evil child..I mean, sweet angel.

Bowen's first Halloween he was four months old and sick. We put him in his lobster costume and took pics (so effing cute) and then in his pumpkin costume (again so cute). And called it a night.

The next year he and I were both pirates. He did not like his costume, he didn't like his hat, he didn't want to go get candy...but he did enjoy handing it out.

Last year he was supposed to be Leonidus from 300. How badass is that?!? He had the cape, a little brown diaper cover, I was going to pain abs on him...it was going to be EPIC. He refused to wear any of it. We didn't go trick or treating. (I...later that night...did manage to get molested at a club by the black version of Mr Rogers...it was an interesting night)

So this year I had high hopes. I had decided I was going to be Poison Ivy and I was assuming Bowen wouldn't care what he was so I was going to make him be Chuck Liddell. (I figured it was my last year to have a say in his costume choice so I wanted it to be something cool) THEN Bowen decided he wanted to be a monkey. I was NOT happy about this. A monkey?! That is as bad as being a banana or random food item. I looked and looked at monkey costumes. They were not cool. But Bowen was persistent. So I ordered one on Amazon. I was thinking 25 bucks for a costume. I spent 40. 40 effing dollars on a damn monkey costume.

Well Bowen has worn the damn thing like a 100 times already. He loves it and it makes him super happy so I can't complain. (except when he needs me to put the feet on 45 times in 10 minutes...or he has to take the WHOLE thing off to go pee...or the ears fall off 32 times in 6 minutes)

Anyways, Bowen is attending his first Halloween party. And he is excited about going trick or treating. So I am even MORE excited about Halloween. (Not to mention that my costume is BOMB and I will be one hot mama the night before Halloween when the adults get to go out! Woot!) Lets hope he takes us out of the last three years of shitty Halloweens...I need a good one. And I deserve it! Happy haunting ya'll!!

The Power of Words

I know I have mentioned it before, but it seriously trips me out that Bowen and I can now carry on a conversation. I swear it seems like yesterday that I was playing 50 questions (because 20 was not enough) with the kid to try to figure out if he wanted crackers or cookies. Now he tells me he wants crackers. Or he tells me he wants to go outside. Or he tells me to stop talking...yea...so obviously there is bad that comes with this GREAT gift of gab. Don't worry..of course I will share all the bad.

Explanations

Now this one isn't REALLY bad. Its just funny. Everything Bowen says starts out with because. For example, I asked him where his underwear were the other day. His answer, "Because I don't want them." Umm..cool...I hate wearing undies too...but that wasn't the question. Or when I asked him what he did at school today. "Because I was pwaying and someone scwatched my arm." He was referring to his scratch on his arm that he got on Sunday from the dresser drawer...so yea...not sure about this one at all. And when he gets REALLY excited this is what we hear, "Because...because...because...Insert random statement here". I can't wait till I get to use "BECAUSE I said so!!".

Repeating

So...this I knew was going to be a problem. If you know me, you know I can cuss like a sailor. (Hard to believe, I know.) Anyways, this isn't really new, its just been an adjustment for me to TRY to put a filter on. I STILL stand firm with the fact that I am an adult (swear to Jebus I am) and I can say any word I want to...he is the child (promise) and he is not allowed to say bad words until he gets out of my house. That is my belief. So if I want to say SHIT...I'm gonna say shit. And when he says shit, I'm going to tell him to stop. I don't want any comments about this way of thinking, (I get enough from Jason) this is the way its going to be. Anyways, Saturday Bowen made me carry him from the mall to the car. Bowen is half my size and weighs almost 40 pounds. I don't remember what he said but he said something to me when I was putting him in the car and my reply was, "Well its because I was hauling your heavy ass to the car!" And he said, "I not a heavy ass mommy." It was pretty funny. Not going to lie. However, hearing your kid drop the f-bomb, not as funny. (Still a little funny though) So like I said..I am working on a filter. And I have been doing a little better. Its a lifestyle change people..give me a break.

Um....

I'm not really sure what to title this one. When me and Bowen are arguing or I am getting onto him (which may be seen as yelling) Bowen has started saying things like, "I can't do this right now!" or "Stop talking!". Or he just tells me, "No yelling at me Mommy!" But sometimes..on very special occasions this is what happens...a finger goes to his lips and you hear, "Shhh." and then, "Stop talking mommy! I can't do this right now!" and then he stomps off to his room. I don't really know how to handle this...because most of the time I have to stifle a laugh. But sometimes (like last night) I have had enough and I tell him to get it together and stop doing whatever he was doing or he is going to bed. And sometimes (like last night) it works. Which is great. Because he stops and goes to his room..which allows me to laugh at him.

Loving Moments

And of course, there are the sweet moments when he says things like, "Give me smoochers mommy!" Or "I love you mommy". Or "I'm sorry mommy" ...those are the moments that make this whole talking thing so wonderful. So thank God the good comes with the bad and every now and then he will ask me for a smoocher or randomly tell me he wants to 'snug' me. Because if there was none of that, I would surely lose my mind.

The Burrito and The Babe

So..this is a few days late...but once you read, you will understand that I was just too tired to post anything.

I believe every parent deserves a night out. A night out that includes a drink or two or three. As long as the kids are safe and sound and taken care of..duh. So here is my tale of going out..and the next morning.

Saturday night I went out with some friends. We started out at Miller's Ale House, where I did not enjoy any ale, but did enjoy a fruity vodka and schnapps filled drink, then three captain and diets. (Umm..I was parched. Don't judge me.) THEN we decided to take a walk the strip. Honestly, I was kinda excited because I have really only walked the strip once and it was during the day.

While walking the strip a friend of a friend was getting those nudee baseball type cards that they hand out. Why..I have no idea. Anyways, SOMEHOW about 20 of them ended up in my purse without me noticing.

We ended the night relatively early and went home. I didn't have any reason to check my purse for anything so I still had not noticed the star covered ta-ta's hiding in my purse.

The next morning Bowen woke me up by poking me in the eye. It was 7:30. I went to bed at 4. I tried getting him to poke Jason in the eye...he did...Jason rolled over. I tried waking Jason up. He didn't. SO (unlike Jason) I sucked it up and got my aching head and feet out of bed to handle the ridiculously happy child.

So we get up and I am sitting on the couch, rehashing the nights events with a friend and realize if I am going to make it through the morning I am definitely going to need something greasy for breakfast. At 9:30 I had to wake Jason up and figured I'd try to drag him to breakfast with me. Jason wasn't having it. (the Rangers were playing in half an hour..so I understand..but we have TiVo..asshole) Anyways, I decide Bowen and I were going to go get a breakfast burrito and that was that.

Bowen and I were a hot mess. I had some baggy capris on that I wore when I 39 months pregnant, a hat, glasses, and last nights smeared make up. Bowen atleast had matching pj's but no shoes. Whatever...it was Roberto's...not a five star restaurant. So we walk in and go place our order. When the cashier tells me how much it is I reach into my purse for my wallet and out fly 25 nudee baseball cards. The cashiers face had a look of disgust/horror. And I am pretty sure my jaw dropped onto the counter. Then Bowen, who was sitting on the counter, picked up a card and asks, "Mommy, why her have stars on her boobs?"

So you see...there was no way I could recover. I couldn't brush it off and say, "It was a good night." because NOW my 3 yr old was holding a hooker's business card!!! I swiped all the cards back into my purse, paid the lady, took my burrito, and child, and ran.

THANKFULLY, Bowen did not have any more questions on that buxom babe's bod, because I bribed him with a coke. And he is 3...so..its not like he will be scarred or anything..BUT I, on the other hand, cannot ever go back into Roberto's. Thankfully, there is a Fausto's right across the street.

Not A Hill..A MOUNTAIN

Here is your warning....if you can't handle bodily functions talk..don't read.

Now that you have been warned...here goes...

Tuesday morning I got a call from daycare saying Bowen puked...alot. It was like 9:15..So Jason and I discussed who should leave work and he said he would. (I argued a lot. I feel like..as a mom..I should be the one home when the kid is sick. Number one, its my kid. Number two, mommys are better at comforting. Number three, I don't get grossed out over puke or shit..from him) Anyways, Jason takes Bowen home and I am checking in constantly...because I am not only concerned about my sick baby..but how Jason will handle him.

Jason and I are talking over an IM..this is the convo

J: Sooo Bowen is taking a nasty poo...

S: Eewwwww

ten minutes later

J: I have a story..

S: A good one or bad one?

J: Bowen just took the grossest poop. I knew it was going to be bad from the noise. So he finishes and stands up, looks in the toilet and smiles. Then comes over to me, his eyes all shiny with excitement and says, "I made a mountain!!!!"

Of course I thought it was HILARIOUS!!! Where the hell do kids come up with this shit??? (and not the literal shit..I know where that comes from) A mountain? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

So I come home a few hours later. Guess what he runs up to me and says...

"Mooommy!!! I made a MOUNTAIN!!!!"

I said, "A mountain of poo???"

He says, "YEP!!" and was so happy.

I wish things like a good poop made me that happy. Ohh to be three again!

Gold Star for Bowen

Yesterday we had our first parent teacher conference. OK...I would like to make it out that my child is this awful kid and that the teacher's are at their wits end...just so it could be more entertaining. However, (and thankfully) that is not the case. We had a new director take over our daycare and we also got a new teacher, so they had a meet the teacher's night.

Bowen's last teacher was awesome. I loved her. I felt great knowing that Bowen was in her class and she really seemed to get him. (like his awful morning moods and his serious hard headedness..not sure thats a word, but it is now) So I was interested to meet this new lady and see what she was all about. (Umm yea...didn't think she would be that great..not gonna lie)

So we show up to meet the teacher's night. Can I tell you how ridiculous we looked as a family? First, there was Bowen, who had on shorts and a fleece jacket (he HAD to wear it and I wasn't in the mood to argue) when it was 80 degrees outside. Jason was wearing khakis and a button down shirt, looking like Ward Cleaver. (I mean that with love, just trying to prove his preppiness) And then there was me....tights, black shirt, rasta hat, nose ring, tattoo blazing...(I got told I looked a lot like a French person yesterday..not the look I was going for, but whatever) I am sure the teacher was like wtf kind of motley crew is this. Anyways...we go in and she introduces herself. I think her name is Felina. Anyways she told us that Bowen is a great kid. That she uses him as a leader and for examples to the other kids. (not gonna lie, this shocked the shit out of me) And that he is great at picking up and helping out. (Oh really? Where is this kid at my house?) She gave me two bracelets he made for me. (I have never loved pipe cleaner and 3 cent beads so much in my life.) She also let us know that Bowen is really patient and spent a lot of time on the bracelets and that he builds awesome stuff with the blocks. (hello architect!) Did I mention that Bowen was in a piss poor mood at this thing and did NOT want to be there? So while she was complimenting how awesome and well behaved he was acting like a brat. As far as she went, she seemed really down to earth and like she got it. (you know what I'm talking about..it) She is a single mom of three (major props to her) and seemed really down to earth and made sure to let me know that if I needed anything or had concerns to let her know because we were a team. She made me feel comfortable with her, which is good because she didn't want me to go all mama bear on her ass. And I would have. Anyways basically my kid is BAD ASS and we are rocking at the parenting thing.

It was good to get some positive feedback. I am glad he is a good kid. My parents always got compliments about how wonderful we all were in public, so I am glad the tradition is continuing. Now what people don't realize is that we were little shits at home...and that tradition is carrying on as well. BUT its all good...keeps things interesting.

I Have A Kid (surprise, surprise)

Over the last few months it has become painfully clear that my baby is not a baby anymore. He is definitely a kid. (not even a toddler...a kid) It amazes me that just 6 months ago he was wearing diapers, always had a paci in his mouth, and not only expected, but NEEDED me to do basically everything for him. Let me tell you...a whole hell of a lot has changed.

Bowen is finally potty trained. Thank sweet baby Jesus! Its like having a raise. Now we only need a diaper at bed time and nap time and some times we can re-use them because he doesn't always pee in them. It is fan-frikkin-tastic! Plus I love seeing him run around in boxer briefs. He is like a little man!! (especially when he starts grabbing his junk...like wtf...we know its there guys, it didn't just disappear, leave it alone for a few)

You know, I was so excited for the independent stage so I could have a break. I was stoked to think that at some point I could tell Bowen to turn off his light, or pick up his toys, and he could do it without help. What I wasn't thinking of was how much longer everything takes. Now he wants to choose what he wears. (usually its just his undies, thank God) So I hold up two pairs...every morning its, "Bowen, batman or spiderman?" and he stands there, "Bowen...batman or spiderman...hurry up!"...more standing...and then this, "Spwiderman". And then he wants to put them on himself. First he puts both legs in one hole, I offer to help, he says no. Then he gets them inside out...once again I offer to help...nope. FINALLY he gets them right side out and both legs in both holes, but they are on backwards. I don't argue though because at that point 10 minutes have wasted away. He usually chooses a shirt...he doesn't care what pants he wears, he would definitely prefer not to wear any. (can't say that I blame him) I love that he is doing things on his own. Like before we leave for school he turns of the lights and the tv. He can be helpful, ya'll! But damn....sometimes you oversleep, haven't had a sip of caffeine, and these "wonderful" things take 20 minutes too long and you're at the end of your rope. (or is this just me?)

And one of the best things is that the kid can tell you shit...like shit you need to know AND it makes sense. Don't get me wrong, he still has the baby accent thing...you know what I am talking about...instead of chocolate milk its chwockwat milk, but you can actually communicate with him. The other night he had a tummy ache, know how I knew? HE TOLD ME!! He kept rolling around in bed and whining and I was pretty concerned so I asked him what was wrong (after I tried snuggling him and loving him) and he said, "My tummy hurts!" Swear to God, the heavens opened and the angels sang. Then it was just a matter of me fixing it. (wtf do you give a 3 yr old with a tummy ache? Pretty sure its not pepto, right?...I gave him prune juice...just asking though) And then the other night I gave him chicken nuggets and french fries for dinner and not only did he say thanks but then he asked me for ketchup! (the ketchup is new..he never asks for that..another sign of a kid)

It really didn't HIT me that he was a kid until this weekend when we busted out the home videos. We recorded Bowen singing the ABC's (so effing cute) and twinkle twinkle and then watched some of the stuff we had on the camera. OMG...I cried...like a total biotch. I mean there he was just 7 months ago, paci in mouth, shorter, rollier, talking to me about his "goldfish" we just bought him. SO adorable. And BABY-like. Now he smacks me and tells me to get him a cookie and when I stand up he is half my height. It is ridiculous how time flies. It seems like yesterday I was laying in a hospital bed crying because I didn't want to try to push the damn thing out anymore. And NOW he is a walking, talking force to be reckoned with. (no idea who he gets that from) Where has the time gone? And now I am sitting here getting all sentimental and teary eyed and counting down the hours till I can go to daycare and have him run up to me yelling "MY MOMMYS HERE" and give me hugs...damn kids ruin you.

Keep It In Your Pants, Kid!

The blog is back people!! Whooohooo! Oh...you're not that excited? Damn...well the hiatus is over. And it wasn't because I wanted to take one, but I had to. But what is really important is that it is back in action.

So where to begin???? So much has happened. Ok not really..its not like our lives are THAT full of fun and excitement.

Well....one thing that I wished I could have shared was Bowen's first "you show me yours and I'll show you mine" moment. It went a little something like this......

Jason was out of town for two weeks, so of course this would happen when I was all alone and had no idea how to deal. I went to pick Bowen up one day after school like usual. The normal teacher was there and then Miss Justice was there...she is usually gone by then, but I thought maybe they had just been busy or something. So I pick Bowen up and am ready to walk out the door when I hear this....

"Sarah...I stayed late because something happened with our kids."

Instantly I got all sweaty and flushed and started thinking the worst things imaginable. I managed to say...ok...what happened.

"Well..it was during nap time and I was trying to get one kid to go to sleep, so most of my attention was focused there. I didn't even see this happen, but Miss Terry walked in and saw my daughter with her pants down showing Bowen her goods and Bowen pulling down his pants..."

Ummm...wtf.

"I have no idea why she would do this! I mean, her dad and I are never intimate in front of her or anything! I am soooo embarrassed and sorry!"

I was in shock. I mean 3 years old!?!? I thought this happened when they were like 6 or something!

"Miss Terry walked in and saw it and we both explained to Tina and Bowen that we keep our privates covered up in our clothes and we aren't supposed to show them to anyone. Anyways, I am really embarrassed about all of this...I just wanted to let you know what happened."

So I finally speak up...sorta..because I don't know how to handle this. "Well..it was bound to happen I guess. Sorry your daughter had to be disappointed with her first look at manhood. Oh well...its always something right?"

And I grabbed Bowen and went to the car. I mean...wtf. Seriously. I know kids are curious and all that jazz. Bowen's hand is always down his pants..so I should have been expecting this. But of course, I thought I had a few years to prepare myself. Maybe we need to start discussing the birds and the bees??? (kidding of course)

Opposites Attract

I am not a shy person. (ok sometimes I get shy..but not often) I have no problem talking about bodily functions, the gross parts of being pregnant, and giving birth. I was pretty much always this way, but it has definitely gotten worse since I had Bowen. Once you have had 10 people in a birthing suite with you while you are exposed to the world, looking like hell, and crying, there is no turning back. And then when baby is here, you are doomed to have to walk around a store or restaurant with poop or puke all over you...it is destined to happen. Anyways, the point is, I have no shame, I am loud and obnoxious, and don't embarrass easily. But I am living with a man who is the opposite. (but I love him anyways)

So last night we were getting ready for bed and Jason went to the bathroom. (I was assuming to pee) Here is how our conversation went (sorta):

Me: Why don't you pee with the door open?

J: I'm not peeing, I'm brushing my teeth!

Me: Ok whatever, why don't you pee with the door open? I have seen it before. ((yea yea...we didn't wait till marriage..ooops...))

J: I don't think it is polite to pee with the door open. I don't want you to drop a deuce with the door open.

Me: Well I would never poo with the door open. SOME things are private. But really..I pee with the door open...you have seen it all before. Its not gross its just normal.

J: I just don't feel comfortable with it. That is it!

Me: Well when are you going to be comfortable? Like when are we going to reach the stage when I can fart in front of you? Sometimes I am gassy and I have to do it and it is getting really hard to hold it all in. ((This was said bc I knew it would make him MORE uncomfortable and it worked...not bc I really had to fart. I didn't. Swear.))

J: Omg Sarah we are not talking about this!

Me: Well I think its weird. And sometimes I just need to let one rip.

Jason rolled his eyes...and blushed a little.

Me: I feel a blog coming on about this....

(Atleast I warned him about the blog.)

So I don't get it. I was married before and I can't tell you how many mornings the ex would come in and pee when I was in the shower. (ok it was like every single one) Or he may be brushing his teeth and I would sit down to pee. Its just pee!! I mean yea it would be sick if he was going number two...but there was nothing dirty going on. And there was NO issue with the farting. I mean he would let em go at any time...yea it was gross. But most of our marriage I was prego so you know one slipped from me a time or two. Just saying. Don't be getting all grossed out, it is a part of life. And EVERYONE does it. Anyways...on to the next subject.

I am like an at-home stripper. (without the pole) I hate wearing clothes. Especially clothes that are not sweats and a tee shirt. The first thing I do when I get home is drop my bags and take off my shoes. Then I begin the strip. Sometimes there is a bra in the living room, sometimes a shirt comes off in the dining room, then pants in the kitchen. Anyways, basically, I am bound to be naked in any part of the house at some point during the day. Jason has more than once shook his head in disbelief (or something) or rolled his eyes when this is going on. One day the blinds on the sliding glass door was open and I was stripping in the kitchen (the laundry area is nearby so I can throw clothes into that area from the kitchen and get a snack at the same time) and Jason told me that the neighbors might see me! Well...its my house...and hey they might get a good show! Jason is never seen naked in a common area. He gets dressed and undressed in the bedroom or bathroom. Even after a shower he is in a towel until he gets dressed. We are exact opposites in this area.

And then there is my mouth! I have a filter, ya'll, I swear...it just may not filter as much as some people would like. Here is the thing, basically I tell you what I think. And no subject is off limits. Kama sutra may come up randomly...I am right up in the middle of that convo. Saggy boobs, cellulite, lap dance classes...whatever...I have no problem discussing anything. And of course there are those times when someone says or asks you something and..like I said...I tell you what I think. I am usually nice about it, but I tend to not put up with any bullshit. (ok sometimes I put up with it for a while...but it is bound to come out eventually) Jason is the most NON-confrontational person I know. (drives me effing nuts) He would walk 4 miles out of the way if it would make someone else happy. I am not that nice. (I don't like to walk...what do you expect?) I think it is admirable to have that much patience and be that nice. But that isn't me. Basically, if you screw me over, I am done. If you ask me a question, expect an honest answer. If you say something that is offensive, I am more than likely going to tell you how I feel. (and it may or may not include an F bomb) Since living with Jason I have ended up biting my tongue way more than I used to. Not with him, just certain situations that have come up. Jason may put up with something forever, but I can only handle things for a little while. If you aren't nice to me I can be ok with it for a while, but if it is still the same thing time and time again I am done. And when I am done...I am seriously done. Jason doesn't get that, but I don't understand his way of doing things either. But I love him for it. He doesn't say things when I would, he deals with a lot more than I would, and honestly, it is refreshing. He has patience and understanding that I don't necessarily understand, but (usually) admire.

Anyways...I am suuure we are not the only people like this. I mean...there are like 98 billion people on the planet, so there has to be atleast ONE couple who is this way. Right?? Anyways, it boils down to this...I think Jason is weird for being so private and quiet and non-confrontational, I am sure he thinks I am weird for being so open and loud and all-up-in-your-grill. But you know what they say...opposites attract. ((But for real, I just want to be present when he does let the filter go and flips out on someone. Seriously!!!))