Baby Fear...Not Fever

Way back when I was a wee little girl, running around in my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle house shoes, with my undies over my jeans, and my hair a tangled mess I dreamed of being a mommy. Not just any mommy, but a mommy who drove a mini-van and had 8 kids. Yes. 8. ((Ok now in all reality the afore-mentioned child was really like 4 years old..I should have described my 8-10 yr old self..but not nearly as cute or fun)) Fast forward to today....I am a divorced, mother of a 3.5 yr old, who drives a mommy mobile, but not a mini-van. And instead of 8 kids I am leaning on keeping the kid count to...1. Those of you who know me are probably gasping in horror..are completely confused...worried about my mental health. But before you call Jason or my mom and demand that someone take me to the hospital...hear me out.

So...there are LOTS of reasons for this huge change of heart. Would I LOVE to have another one. Fo sho. But....things have changed and I didn't live happily ever after and that makes me re-think my previous motherhood goals. Below is a list of a few reasons.

1. Bowen is 3.5 yrs old...so if I got prego TONIGHT, my kids would be 4 yrs apart. Which isn't horrible...but the fact of the matter is, there will be no baby making tonight. In fact, there will be no baby making for over a year...if not more. Which leads me to number.....

2. Jason and I aren't engaged. In fact..he has told me since we started dating (almost 2 yrs ago) that he would propose in 7 yrs. SO I've got 5 more years to go. And then the year it takes to plan the wedding. AND THEN...maybe we can discuss kids. So...seriously...we aren't having kids for atleast 2 years. (because supposedly he has a plan and it is sooner than 5 yrs) So my baby boy will be atleast 6 before I can even bless with him a sibling.

3. I am 8 years younger than my big sis. She didn't want me. In fact..she hated me. (not lying) We didn't get along or have anything in common until I was like 12...and even then its not like we could hang together. So now that I am 24, we have a good relationship. I mean..I think it got good when I was like 19 or 20. Anyways the point is, if you space your kids out too much they won't be close...and I do NOT want that for my kids. I know how much it sucked. And it sucked a lot.

4. I love Bowen a lot. Like so much its crazy. He and I are SO close, its been just me and him from the beginning. Plus he is kind of a little miracle. (not in the way that ALL babies are miracles, but like I shouldn't have been able to have the kid) He and I have the same personality, we act the same, sleep the same...etc etc...so I don't know if I could ever love anyone as much as I love him. Every mom tells me that this is totally untrue...but it does worry me.

5. And then there is the split home situation. I know if I do ever have other kids that I will figure this out and worrying/thinking about it right now is not doing me any good. But I worry how Bowen will handle everything. Like will he be upset that he has a different last name than the other kids? Will he be upset that he has a different dad? If his dad ever starts seeing him, how will he feel about missing weekend stuff? Like I said...I know its not doing me any good to worry about it now, but thats my nature. (so kiss my ass)

6. And...to be a little vain...umm...I just recently (like a year ago...maybe close to 2 now) got my body back into semi-decent shape. I mean when I was pregnant with Bowen I was huge. LIKE A WHALE. I never thought I was that big and kept thinking that the reason people were giving me these pitiful looks was bc I didn't have my wedding ring on and I looked young. (uhh..it didn't fit...not because I didn't want to wear the gorgeous thing) Come to find out, it was because I was ginormous and looked like I was about to pop out 3 kids at the same time. So umm yea...

Ok the truth is...I would love more kids. I think having a baby is an awesome thing. I think Jason deserves to have one of his own and get to experience all the morning sickness and mood swings and weird cravings. And I want Bowen to have a sibling. And I love babies. All of them...but...as you can see...its not always as easy as a fun rumble in the bedroom..and viola! A baby. I think Jason is getting worried because of my change of heart...but I mean..maybe I just need some positive vibes sent my way...or to hold a new baby...or an accident. Just saying!!!!