Do you ever have one of those days..or hours..or even just fleeting moments..where you get all sappy and rememberful (like that word? you can use it if you want)? So here is the deal..me and Jason were sitting on the couch watching CMTs 40 top songs of the decade. I know, I know..me watching CMT. As in COUNTRY music. Despite the fact that I am an obvious ass kicking, rock loving chick..I do like some country. BUT its once in a blue moon that I listen to it. However, tonight I was listening. And there were some really good songs on there. Songs that made me think of the past and the future.
For example...when I left my ex for the first time, I remember listening to "Jesus Take The Wheel" by Carrie Underwood on repeat. And anyone who knows the story of me and the ex will understand why it hit home. It only makes it more meaningful because she was heading home and had a baby in her car, just like me. Was it a really hard time full of heartbreak and chaos?Most definitely. But it happened for a reason, made me a better, stronger person. And that song will always mean something to me.
And if you're a parent and you've heard the song "You're Gonna Miss This" by Trace Adkins you have probably had that same little twinge in your heart that I got. Time flies by. I miss being able to hold Bowen for more than one minute. I miss the first time he rolled over, the first time he crawled and walked. There are the times that seem to last forever (like teething), but really they go by SO fast.
Anyways...I am sitting at the kitchen table where Bowen ate lunch. There is nacho cheese smeared to my right and a picture that he drew right next to it. He is sleeping in the bedroom right behind me. And I know he is sleeping because I just went in there and laid next to him and watched him sleep. It amazes me how far me and that little guy have come.
Bowen was planned (and I was even married!! Give me some credit ya'll!) and he is my miracle baby. My first real memory of him was at the doctor's office. I was getting my first ultrasound and my mom was with me and there he was in black and white. And his yolk sac was right above his head which made him look like an angel. In fact that ultrasound says "angel baby" on it. I cried, my mom cried. And my whooooole life changed right then and there.
And of course there was the day he was born. There really is nothing like seeing and holding your baby for the first time. I hadn't even held him yet and I told my mom, "I would do it again in a heartbeat". And I would. There is definitely no love like a mother's love. And it only grows as your baby grows.
I know I have mentioned like a jillion times before how much Bowen and I are alike. It is SO true. Not only is he loud and obnoxious, but he hates mornings like me, he loves smooches and squeezes, he likes to snuggle, and he has a temper. The kid is my mini-me. (now he may not look like me, but I def got the better part of the deal) When I am sad, Bowen knows it. When I am happy, he feeds off that too. He can push my buttons though, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
What I can't believe is that he is already 3 1/2...going on 25. I can't believe he put his own shirt on today or asked me if the sun came up this morning. I swear it seems like yesterday that I was holding him for the very first time.
I'm not a very religious person, but I believe in God and I believe that things happen for a reason. And I think Bowen was put in my life at the time he was for a reason. I can't imagine where I would be without him. Bowen has been my only reason for getting out of be sometimes, more times than I'd like to remember. He was the reason I didn't give up and he was also the reason I threw in the towel when I did. He has been there when I have cried, he has been there when I have laughed. He has been there when I have hit rock bottom and he has been there when I have celebrated. Bowen may not ever realize how much he means to me, because I am pretty sure there is no way I can put those feelings into words. But I can promise this...I seriously don't think I could live without him.
So some day...if he ever reads this...I hope he gets a glimpse of just how much he means to me.
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