Mom Guilt Will Be The Death Of Me

Mom guilt: The enormous amount of guilt you feel every day once you have a child, this can include guilt for taking a nap, leaving the house, forgetting a dr appointment, having to go to work and anything in between. Mom guilt may or may not cause depression, anxiety, and lack of sleep. It has been reported that no man will ever understand the effects of mom guilt, which has been known to cause issues in relationships, especially with the father or stepfather of the child causing the mom guilt.

Jason and I have had this conversation a few times over the past few weeks. (May or may not exact verbage...but you get the idea)

Jason: We both need a break.

Sarah: No shit

Jason: I think we need to each have a night out. You have softball Mondays and I will go out some time during the week. Oh yea..and I am going camping next month...and out of the country for a golfing trip in November. ((Insert huge smile here))

((I refuse to fill in ALL of what was said bc I am sure it would have too many cuss words and might make me look bad...))

Sarah: Well I want a weekend girls trip!!! I want a break too!!! (not as whiney as this makes me sound..ok maybe a little)

Jason: Let me know when and I will make it happen!

Sarah: (crying) Well I can't. I can't just be away from my kid. I am already away from him all the time during the week and then on the weekends I am running errands and doing stuff around the house. It isn't fair to him! He didn't ask to be born!!!

Ahh...this (well most of it) just happened last week. The one part that has happened alot lately is the talk of some alone time. Jason and I disagree on this subject and I am sure many other couples do too. I do agree that we need a day to get away for a couple of hours. Since we moved out here we have had a lack of help and support system which means we have had almost zero time as a couple. So we have lately been discussing making that time for ourselves and how it may help us get rid of some stress, thus improving our relationship.

Here is the problem....I feel bad leaving Bowen. I used to be able to leave Bowen overnight with my mom. Well now that is not an option. I have only left Bowen overnight with two people: my mom and Jason's mom. It brings me serious anxiety even talking about leaving him with someone else. Even when my mom DID watch Bowen overnight, I was always up before 7, ready to go get him. Plus..like I mentioned...I am away from him ALL day. Its not like I am a stay at home mom who only has to put him in daycare a couple of days a week...he is gone from me from 8 in the morning until 6 at night. So basically I get to see my kid for 2.5 to 3 hours total a day Monday through Friday. It sucks and is really hard for me to do.

The thing is...I know I need a break. And I think I deserve one too. But when I go to take that break, all I can think about is how I wish I was with Bowen and Jason. For example, last Monday our softball games were at 8:30 and 9:30, so one of the moms I work with decided we should go have drinks before. I said wonderful! But then when I was driving to TGI Fridays I got that tense, anxiety-filled stomach and questioned actually following through with the drinking plans. I mean..I had atleast 2 hours I could be spending with Bowen. I stuck it out and went through with the drinking and then games. After the games I thought about staying after to hang out with everyone else..but then the guilt over took me and I left. As soon as I got home I went and snuggled my sleeping baby and gave him kisses. (Don't hate on my lovey-doveyness with my monster) Before I lived with Jason I always made myself feel a little bit better about going out. It was usually once a month, PLUS I was working two jobs and going to school and was raising the monster on my own. Now I feel like I don't have that excuse...so I shouldn't be going out.

Anyways, after we had this talk I was laying in bed thinking about some of the moms I know who have little trips. I am not asking to spend alot of money on a weekend...just maybe get a hotel and hang by the pool with a girlfriend. But even that makes me feel bad. I think of all the places that money could be spent!! In my mind, there is no winning for me and I just need to suck it up. Another problem is living here...I don't really have the girlfriends I had back home...and me going to the spa or pool all by my lonesome for a weekend is not going to happen. (which makes me feel a little high school..but suck it..thats the way it is) So the point is...I am stuck in this shitty situation and don't know what to do. The mom guilt is KILLING me. But I am going to lose my damn mind (or what is left of it) if I don't start getting a break too. I am sure there are moms out there who have gone through the same thing so your advice is welcome. (HOPEFULLY I won't regret opening up for "advice")