When I was prego I really wanted to have a little boy first. I liked the thought of having a mama's boy AND having my boy protect his little sister. (Bc of course we are having a girl next...) And everyone always said that boys are easier. That is the stupidest thing anyone has ever told me...that boys are easier. Ok you may not have to deal with periods and clothes and boyfriends...but there are other issues. Oh yes...there are many other issues.
It all started when we were in the hospital after he was born. I wanted my little boy circumsized..lots of reasons behind this, but all you need to know is that was the decision. So instead of doing the cutting, old school procedure, they put on a thing called a circum-ring. In a few days this little ring and extra skin would fall off and baby would be circumsized. Supposedly it causes less pain and yadda yadda...sounded like a plan. So a few days later I go to change my new angel baby's diaper and there is the ring...and blood. I knew there would be like a drop..I was thinking the tiniest of spots..but this was a little more than that. So I freaked out and called the pediatrician. (which happened a lot the first year of his life...pretty sure I was the one keeping his practice running) He told me it was nothing to worry about, it was just the ring, but to watch it and if there was more blood to go to the ER. There was no more blood. And this was my first experience of weird/scary/unprepared-for moments of raising a boy.
And of course, there is the peeing thing with little boys. When Bowen was born my baby daddy was in Iraq so I was left alone to do the night time changing/feeding/try-to-hold-it-together moments. One time..at like 4 in the morning..Bowen needed a diaper change. Without contacts or glasses I am blind..but of course I didn't put them on, bc at this point I could have been asleep and changed a diaper. Well this particular day I could not figure out why the ceiling has a steady stream coming from it. I mean I moved after I started having what I thought was water drip down my face...only to realize that my son was pissing on me. Ughh... I knew I should have bought the little pee-pee teepees...
Then...When my little love muffin was probably a year old...maybe a little more...I was (once again) changing his diaper. It was first thing in the morning and I was getting ready to take him to daycare. When I opened the diaper my little INNOCENT boy was sporting some morning wood. Like really....I didn't think I would have to deal with this till he was like 12! So I just ignored it and wiped him like usual. And he started to giggle. Ughh...so awkward. But thankfully this didn't happen every single day after that and I have learned to deal. I thought I was done with the strange moments..well...it has only gotten weirder.
As you all know, up until recently I was a single mom. So Bowen was ALWAYS around me. Right before we moved out here (so he was about 2 1/2) he climbed in the shower with me one morning. Not a big deal...he did it ALL the time. But this was no normal shower. He started asking me...whats this? What's that? And pointing... Thus began the conversation of, "Mommy has a vagina and Bowen has a penis." This leads me to the next weird decision...
So my mom always called the private parts by their actual name, penis and vagina. Then my stepmom came around and called them other things. All I know is, every family has some weird name for private parts. I am pretty sure, as a child, I was not only confused, but scarred when the neighbor boy called his a 'tallywacker'. Umm a who? I just think that it is less confusing to teach your kids the actual name of their private parts. (And more importantly this is what I am comfortable with) So instead of a fanooder, hoo-ha, and tweener...we just tell Bowen it is a vagina. And instead of a peeper, peepee, and dinker...its just a penis. Jason does not agree with this at all...but I have laid down the law.
Anyways...after the deciding of private part names came time to potty train. Bowen spends a lot of time naked now that we are potty training. (mostly because I am tired of washing 75 loads of laundry a week bc the kid is still having accidents) Which means his hand is almost always down there. I mean seriously..it is like he is afraid it is going to disappear. He can have a chip in one hand and his penis in the other..and is totally content. Now if he was just holding it...it might be a little better. Unfortunately, he pokes, pulls, prods, and just basically is very rough with it. It is ridiculous! And uncomfortable for his mommy!!! So this week I put him in the tub, like I do every single night. (again with the awkward bathroom moments) And he says..completely alarmed..."OH MY GOSH MOMMY!!!!!" I was surprised and said, "Whats wrong?!" He replies, "My PEEEEEEENUSSSS has a boo boo!" Oh Jesus, Mary, and Joseph (this was what I was saying in my mind) why does this shit have to happen when Jason isn't home? So I get him out of the tub and look at it. Yep..it does have a boo boo....probably because he was trying to pull it off..so the skin is a little raw on one side. I said, "Bowen what did you do?" He looks at me..soooo serious..."I SQQQQUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEZZZZED it. Like dis!" And he shows me (not using his penis, thank God) how he squeezed it. It was an intense squeeze...his little body shook and eyes bugged out and everything. So wtf am I supposed to do??! I just said, "Ok Bowen, lets not squeeze our penis anymore, ok? No squeezing your penis." He said ok...thank God..and then asked for a band-aid on his peeeenusssss. Then I had to explain how band aids can't go on there. Oh my life.
I grew up with brothers so I know there will be more horrifying and awkward moments to come. Lets NOT go into details. All I know is NO ONE tells you about this stuff! No one warns you that your child may or may not some day be trying to rip his member off. No one tells you that it is very weird trying to decide what to tell you kid to call his thingy. The whole boy situation is very weird..and I am so NOT looking forward to things to come...thankfully..Jason will be here to help me out. And oh yes...he will be handling those situations. (insert evil laughter here)
No comments:
Post a Comment