Mom Guilt Will Be The Death Of Me

Mom guilt: The enormous amount of guilt you feel every day once you have a child, this can include guilt for taking a nap, leaving the house, forgetting a dr appointment, having to go to work and anything in between. Mom guilt may or may not cause depression, anxiety, and lack of sleep. It has been reported that no man will ever understand the effects of mom guilt, which has been known to cause issues in relationships, especially with the father or stepfather of the child causing the mom guilt.

Jason and I have had this conversation a few times over the past few weeks. (May or may not exact verbage...but you get the idea)

Jason: We both need a break.

Sarah: No shit

Jason: I think we need to each have a night out. You have softball Mondays and I will go out some time during the week. Oh yea..and I am going camping next month...and out of the country for a golfing trip in November. ((Insert huge smile here))

((I refuse to fill in ALL of what was said bc I am sure it would have too many cuss words and might make me look bad...))

Sarah: Well I want a weekend girls trip!!! I want a break too!!! (not as whiney as this makes me sound..ok maybe a little)

Jason: Let me know when and I will make it happen!

Sarah: (crying) Well I can't. I can't just be away from my kid. I am already away from him all the time during the week and then on the weekends I am running errands and doing stuff around the house. It isn't fair to him! He didn't ask to be born!!!

Ahh...this (well most of it) just happened last week. The one part that has happened alot lately is the talk of some alone time. Jason and I disagree on this subject and I am sure many other couples do too. I do agree that we need a day to get away for a couple of hours. Since we moved out here we have had a lack of help and support system which means we have had almost zero time as a couple. So we have lately been discussing making that time for ourselves and how it may help us get rid of some stress, thus improving our relationship.

Here is the problem....I feel bad leaving Bowen. I used to be able to leave Bowen overnight with my mom. Well now that is not an option. I have only left Bowen overnight with two people: my mom and Jason's mom. It brings me serious anxiety even talking about leaving him with someone else. Even when my mom DID watch Bowen overnight, I was always up before 7, ready to go get him. Plus..like I mentioned...I am away from him ALL day. Its not like I am a stay at home mom who only has to put him in daycare a couple of days a week...he is gone from me from 8 in the morning until 6 at night. So basically I get to see my kid for 2.5 to 3 hours total a day Monday through Friday. It sucks and is really hard for me to do.

The thing is...I know I need a break. And I think I deserve one too. But when I go to take that break, all I can think about is how I wish I was with Bowen and Jason. For example, last Monday our softball games were at 8:30 and 9:30, so one of the moms I work with decided we should go have drinks before. I said wonderful! But then when I was driving to TGI Fridays I got that tense, anxiety-filled stomach and questioned actually following through with the drinking plans. I mean..I had atleast 2 hours I could be spending with Bowen. I stuck it out and went through with the drinking and then games. After the games I thought about staying after to hang out with everyone else..but then the guilt over took me and I left. As soon as I got home I went and snuggled my sleeping baby and gave him kisses. (Don't hate on my lovey-doveyness with my monster) Before I lived with Jason I always made myself feel a little bit better about going out. It was usually once a month, PLUS I was working two jobs and going to school and was raising the monster on my own. Now I feel like I don't have that excuse...so I shouldn't be going out.

Anyways, after we had this talk I was laying in bed thinking about some of the moms I know who have little trips. I am not asking to spend alot of money on a weekend...just maybe get a hotel and hang by the pool with a girlfriend. But even that makes me feel bad. I think of all the places that money could be spent!! In my mind, there is no winning for me and I just need to suck it up. Another problem is living here...I don't really have the girlfriends I had back home...and me going to the spa or pool all by my lonesome for a weekend is not going to happen. (which makes me feel a little high school..but suck it..thats the way it is) So the point is...I am stuck in this shitty situation and don't know what to do. The mom guilt is KILLING me. But I am going to lose my damn mind (or what is left of it) if I don't start getting a break too. I am sure there are moms out there who have gone through the same thing so your advice is welcome. (HOPEFULLY I won't regret opening up for "advice")

The Honeymoon Never Even Started

I hate (HAAAATE) when people act like they have the perfect life. Especially people who are married or are in relationships. Lets be honest, no one....NO ONE...has the perfect, happy all of the time, never have an issue or disagreement, worry free life. No one. And if you think you do...you are lying. Yep...I said it. So let me be honest. Jason and I have had our fair share (probably more than our fair share) of disagreements/fights/issues. In fact, the past six months have been like a road filled with speed bumps and potholes. We certainly have not been coasting down a freshly paved highway. To put it bluntly, the honey moon is over. (As if we ever had one)

Last weekend was a rough one. We spent the entire weekend arguing/yelling and being unhappy. It sucked. But by the end of it, we had gotten a lot (and a lot may be an understatement) of shit off of our chests and had agreed we both have things to work on. So I can't say it was all bad or not needed. Plus, its not like we have the normal just-moved-in-together kind of life.

First of all..I have some baggage. (as Jason likes to put it) I am divorced, that marriage was an abusive one so I am still recovering and dealing with that, I have a baby, a medical issue, and lots of bills. Jason inherited a bunch of stuff when he scored me and it wasn't just my good looks and phenomenal personality. And poor Jason has never lived with a girlfriend, let alone a girlfriend and her mama's boy of a child...so I KNOW it isn't all fun for him. (Ya'll thought I was kidding when I said he thought a day without flying Thomas' was a good one)

Secondly, when it rains it effing pours. And in this desert it has been pouring at the Holmes & Watson household. First we move in together, then I get severely depressed (due to my awful birth control), then I have to get a lawyer and start a battle with the ex (which STILL continues), then I am dealing with my cervical cancer issues (Jason was a trooper and even held my hand through a biopsy...it was the nicest thing ever), then we got a flood of medical bills (courtesty of me..oops), and we are dealing with my extreme dislike of where we live. And thats just the big stuff...not talking about the little issues, like Bowen having to get used to Jason and all of the drama that comes with it. Basically, it has been a shit storm and we need a freaking break from the bullshit.

I am not one to act like I know all of the answers to relationships. My parents are divorced, so I can't say that I had the model relationships to look at growing up. My first marriage was a failure. (ok not completely, I got a gorgeous angel of a boy from it AND I believe everything happens for a reason) And I am very guarded, which comes off as defensive and negative, in my relationships. But what I DO know is that every couple goes through this...that they all have problems at some point and go through rough patches. Jason and I communicate veeeerrrryy...very, very, very...differently. THIS is an issue of ours. Atleast we both admit it. After last weekend we are both working on it. Which is good, because you know comminucation is everything in a relationship. And I think it is SUPER important that couples (especially couples with little heathens...I mean kids) get a break. Jason and I have gotten stuck in this rut, and its work, home, kid every single day. It is hard because we don't have much extra money, we don't have help out here in this shit hole, and I feel guilty being away from Bowen for too long. (among other things) But what we haven't been doing, is taking care of US. And that is necessary...and better for Bowen.

It is SO easy to get stuck in these situations. I mean, I didn't think that we would have all this crap going on already. (should have known though, just my luck) What we have had to do is fight it out and figure it out. It sure hasn't been easy for us and I know that there are more arguments to come. All I can say is, I am lucky to have a man who is willing to fight it out with me and not give up. I am 100% sure he can find someone with less baggage and issues. Thankfully, he isn't to that point yet. (and he has to admit Bowen and I are entertaining...even if its waaay past Bowen's bed time and he is on OUR bed telling Jason, "Shhh I TWYING to SWEEEEP!" while he is 1 inch from his face...probably drooling on him...and I am cracking up and Jason has to be up at the ass crack of dawn for work)

So for all of those couples going through hard times and thinking "When will the shit end?!?!"..hang in there. Work on the communication. Take a break..even if you guys just go out for one drink or shopping for groceries together. I know it is really easy to say, "Eff it, I am done" (those words have come out of my mouth once or twice or ten times over the past few months) without really giving it a try and looking at why things are sucking ass at the moment.

Anyways..I am off my soap box. The point is relationships are hard work...and they can suck ass sometimes...but there are the days when it all seems so right and perfect. And that is what counts. Those moments.