Bowen, You Are Grounded!

I really thought for sure that Bowen was out of that terrible 2's/3's stage. ((Anyone who has/had a toddler knows that the terrible 2's does not end at 2)) I mean, how can something SO cute and sweet and lovey be so EVIL?? But this weekend reminded me that we are not quite out of the woods yet.

Saturday we decided to take Bowen to the snow. (Mt. Charleston) Last year he had a blast and really it is cheap entertainment. So we get there and he is stoked. Literally jumping up and down on ice. We finally get everyone bundled up and make the trek to the hill where the sledding was going on. Bowen was having some issues walking in the snow. And there was a LOT of whining. I think I told him 6 times if he didn't stop talking to me like that (like an a-hole) and didn't stop whining we were going home. I went sliding (not sledding..sliding) with him like 6 times and decided my ass was frozen, so it was Jason's turn. The problem is...it took Bowen like 10 minutes to walk up the smallest hill because he kept "slipping". And I mean "slipping" because he is quite the actor and was SO dramatic. I am talking, rolled on the ground telling me how icey it was and that he couldn't do it. Anyways, we saw a few kids Bowen's age going up and down this tiny hill by themselves, so we tried it. And Bowen LOVED it. He was doing it all by himself, didn't want anyone to catch him when he went down, and had a HUGE smile on the whole time. After an hour and a half (and 27 almost-time outs) at the snow we decided it was time to head home. Bowen passed out before we even made it to the highway. Thank Jebus.

Saturday night was a doozie.

Jason and I were sitting on the couch watching UFC Fight For The Troops when we heard a large crash of a toys. I mean his room was already destroyed, so what else could he have been getting into. But I just told Jason, "I don't even want to go look." And ignored it. Then I heard the toilet flush and yelled, "Did you poop? Do I need to wipe your heiney?" ((this is VERY common at my house)) And Bowen told me just peed. I assumed (incorrectly) that he went back to playing trains. About 10 minutes later he came to the living room REEKING of Vick's Vapo-Rub. And then he reached his hand out and touched me...and I realized he was covered in Vick's. He had it in his hair, ALL OVER his shirt, on his face, and all over his hands. I ushered him into the shower and asked what he was doing. "I putting on lotion, mommy." was the response I got. So I got him in the shower and went to the bedroom to see the other damage. Jason was wiping Vick's off the train table and the train tracks tub. We got that situated, started a movie for Bowen...and thought all would be well.

Then, Bowen came into the living room and was talking to me and playing with his tool set. Then went back to his room to play. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him sneak under his train table with something in his hand. I asked him what he had and that only made him sneak farther under the table...a sure sign that he had something he shouldn't have. Jason went to see what it was..and yelled at me because it was nail polish! Bowen came into the living room to show me that he was trying to paint his toenails. (Really he painted all of his toes) We told Bowen he was not allowed to do that alone, he had to wait for mommy to help him.

Not 10 minutes later that little brat was climbing from the table to the kitchen counter trying to get candy! (BOTH grandma's are in trouble for buying Pez dispensers..they are horrible)

It was like he was just walking again and couldn't stay out of trouble. I was tempted to find the baby gates and lock him somewhere!! Thankfully he isn't like this every weekend or I would most definitely lose my mind. (or start drinking heavily)

My Kid Is Better Than Yours

I know every parent thinks that their kid is the cutest and the smartest kid ever. (Until they hit that teen stage where they wear all black and don't wash their hair and they stop speaking...I never went through that stage, but I know some people who did) The difference between those parents and me is that I know its true. My kid IS the cutest and smartest.

We can debate the whole how cute Bowen is thing for days if you want to. (And trust me, you don't. Because I. Don't. Give. Up.) But seriously. I am pretty sure when Hitler decided what he wanted the master race to look like, he thought of my little boy. (I am not supporting Hitler..just explaining) Bowen has blue eyes, the bluest of blue, btw. And blond hair. He has squishy, rosie cheeks, and the cutest wittle belly. He is friggin adorable. And don't try to tell me other wise, because I will bust ya in yerr err (or ear).

And then get this..the kid is writing letters of the alphabet. His fav letter is 'F'...probably so he can spell the f-bomb sooner, but whatever. (Its not the only letter he can write, but it is ALWAYS the first letter he writes) He can put together a new puzzle that he has never done before in like 5 minutes with zero help. And I'm not talking about one of those 10 piece wood puzzles, I am talking about a real cardboard, 24 piece. That's whats up. He also can tell me random shapes, like an arc or hexagon, depending on where we are or what we are driving by. I mean what three year old says, "Hey mommy, that is a hexagon and that is an octagon." My three year old. That is who. Anyways, he is super intelligent. And I am pretty sure his love of puzzles and writing at such a young age means he is going to cure cancer or something phenomenal like that.

Anyways...really our life has been pretty boring. Just the same, jumping-off-random-pieces-of- furniture-while-body-painting-and-cutting-up-my-bed-sheets, old things. So I thought I would take the day to brag about my smart, gorgeous child. Maybe make other people's parenting seem a little inferior. (Kidding folks, kidding...kinda) Like I said, same old thing.

Here's To You 2011!!! Now Where's My Drink??

It is a new year...and as much as I would like to think (hope) that it comes with a clean slate, us realists know that is not the case. The new year transferred last year's bills with it, didn't magically make me hate certain people less, didn't mend holes in my heart, and certainly did not come with a new, FULL bank account. SO...I don't see what the big deal is about new years.

At first I was COMPLETELY against making a new years resolution..or twelve. I mean, I never keep them, I work towards them for like a week, and then I see chili cheese fries January 3rd and it all goes downhill. (duh bc I ALWAYS want to lose weight every year) So why make a list of shit to do only to feel like a failure (again) because I couldn't manage to stick with it? I mean..really..my confidence needs a BOOST, not another slap in the face. However, I can't resist. And maybe it would do some good if I made a list of goals. So that way I have a little reminder in the back of my head that even though I want to lay on the couch and watch Entourage, I should definitely get up and play some Candy Land with the kid. (And then, once he is asleep, lustingly gaze into the tv at Vince and Turtle)

So of course, my resolutions are not that cool. They are the same as many folks...like lose weight, eat healthier, exercise more, be more patient, and spend more FUN time with my baby. But of course, because it is my way, I had to add a few more off the wall resolutions. Are you prepared??

1. Get another tattoo. ((I got it all picked out..now to find the funds and person))

2. Stop caring what people think so much. (Bc people, as a whole, suck ass, and I am tired of people)

3. Get a second job go-go dancing or something fun like that. ((Which means I HAVE to hit the gym for a hot minute))

4. Plan a vacation for me and J and DON'T stress over details. (Fat chance, but whatever)

5. Stand up for me more. (I know its hard to believe, but I have been biting my tongue about a lot of things lately, and I am tired of it)

6. Get another piercing. (Because you only live once, so eff it)

I mean really the list could go on and on and on. I have a lot I want to do and you never know if you'll be here tomorrow. So while I am putting together a will, (this is like number 15 on the serious goal list) I can also do something fun later. And maybe, just maybe, this year won't be filled with as many shitty life lessons. I doubt it. Because I only learn the hard way...but I can hope. And in the mean time...anyone know where I can go (in Vegas) for my new tattoo?!? :-)

Happy effing new year!

Holiday Havoc

Christmas has come and gone..and I have been meaning to blog about the joys of the holidays...but it has taken me a long time to realize what the joys were. I KNOW the meaning of Christmas is not about the gifts and shit, but I am just talking the holidays. The part of Christmas that involves shopping in crowded stores with bitchy moms, waiting 20 minutes for a parking spot at the mall only to have some a-hole swoop in even though you have your blinker on, driving 15+ hours to see family, getting sick the day before you leave, and not sleeping more than 5 hours in one night. That part of the holidays is what kills me...and makes me want to cancel the holidays forever. ((Plus there is the Christmas music which seriously makes me want to grab anything and stab my ear drums))

So...the week of Christmas Jason and Bowen decided to make the trek to Texas a little early. They left Monday morning....leaving me in Vegas until Thursday night. That is 4 days and 3 nights without my little love bug of a baby boy. Needless to say, I was a hot mess. I cried...a lot..and was mad at Jason for taking Bowen. ((lets not get into it)) I did get some shopping done and some cleaning. But really...it was NOT worth being without Bowen. I didn't get any sleep those four days and I cried a lot which meant I wasted a ton of make up.

And then Thursday morning rolled around. And my throat hurt, and I was congested and had the worst sinus headache of my life. Go figure. I got sick the day I was supposed to leave.

I made it to Texas...it was a long flight. The 2.5 hours seemed like 7 because I was sitting next to a dude who smelled like he bathed in a fountain of vodka, offered me licorice and candy bars, and (finally) passed out and snored louder than a freight train.

Anyways, we made it through Christmas. I got to see my fam and Jason's fam. Got some good shit, like a Victoria's Secret Gift Card, and an Amazon gift card, and shoes... There may have been an epic fail of a gift ((you know I HAD to say something)), but hopefully 2011 will bring better gift giving skills. Bowen got spoiled....we have more trains and train tracks than anyone should ever be allowed to have, but the kid loves it. And when he said, "This is the best Christmas ever!!" my heart of ice may have melted...a little.

And then came the 20 hour drive home...it was not fun. There was a lot of yelling, maybe a few tears shed. ((Not by me...nope..not ever)) BUT we made it back to lucky Las Vegas. Once I was home, in my own bed, and not stressed out, I realized how much I love my family and friends and how lucky I am to have them.

So next year...next year I am medicating myself with xanax and Jack Daniels. Should be a much less stressful holiday season. Filled with inappropriate words and gestures...but entertaining none the less.

Big Boy Words

We have a problem. A potty mouth problem. I know everyone knows that I cuss like a sailor. Its been like this for quite a while now and I don't see any major changes coming on. And apparently I have rubbed off on Jason. So that leads us to a problem with a 3 1/2 foot tall little boy.

Saturday (after the epic party of 2010) Jason, Bowen, and I were laying in our dark bedroom and I was talking to my bff Andrea about the night before's happenings. And Jason reads Dana's tweet from the night before. Where he, of course, drops an f-bomb. With a mother in front of it. So...Bowen repeats, "M-Fer". Andrea laughs, I said "OMG JASON!!!" and Jason laughs. Because it is really hilarious to hear a sweet little boy say that. Don't judge me. So then I told Bowen that that was a big boy word and he could not say it. We haven't heard it again...so I think we are ok.

Anyways...before I get too deep into this post. I don't want any advice. I don't want anyone telling me how bad I am or Jason is. We don't care what you think. (Well Jason might) And OBVIOUSLY we don't want out three year old walking around saying cuss words. If I wanted an opinion I would ask for one. Just keep that in mind. And lighten up. Have a giggle. And remember that you are not perfect and you did not raise perfect children. In fact, I am pretty sure this has happened to you too. So...keep that in mind when reading this any further.

So then we were playing in the living room and Bowen drops a toy and says, "Damn!" Ok really..damn isn't that bad. But once again...I explained that it was a big boy word and he doesn't say that. AND THEN..I was in the kitchen cooking lasagna. (Which was delicious just in case you were wondering) and Jason was doing God knows what in the laundry area, and Bowen was walking around the living room looking for something. And I hear a very quiet, "F*^$. F*^$." repeated. A few times. Now...I ignored it. Plus...he was very seriously searching for a toy. And I can tell you, I have repeated the same word in the same tone when looking for something. Like an earring, or my keys, or a credit card. So I went on cooking. And Jason bellows, "WHAT is he saying?!?!?". Thankfully for Bowen and I, Bowen went to his room to play and I just shrugged and said, "I couldn't hear him."

We made it through Saturday with no more cuss word outbursts. And then Sunday rolled around. We were driving to the mall and Bowen is in the backseat and lets out this big sigh with an equally exasperated, "Shit." It was like he was expressing what we were thinking. We were about to battle the Christmas shopping, evil herd of the Galleria mall. I was trying to contain my giggling and so Jason told Bowen that he could not say that. (pretty sure he followed that up with a, "Do you understand?" which Bowen probably said "Yes" to) And then Jason said, "Well I have to take the blame for that one because that sounded JUST like me." SEE!! Its not all my fault.

Anyways, we haven't got a call from daycare, so thats a plus. And its not like he says bad words all the time. I think this weekend he was just being extra..expressive. So whatever. I am STILL a firm believer that kids need to learn they can't say certain things. I am 2-freaking-4 years old and if I want to say shit, asshole, or f*^%tard then I am going to say it.

The Epic Christmas Party

SO....Friday night was epic. EPIC. Now normally I blog about my kid. But this is worthy of a blog just about me. And Jason. And Kid Rock.

Friday night was the Zuffa holiday party. I started January 7th of this year and had just missed the Christmas party of 2009. However, I have been filled in on it and it's happenings for a year now. I knew that this year the Christmas party would be just as bad ass as last years. And I was stoked.

Ok, so Friday night Jason picked up Bowen, and a pizza, and handled business with the babysitter. (Meaning, he told her the situation, time we would be home, etc etc..not handle BizNass..ya know...bc thats not ok) I got ready at work and stopped at the 7-11 nearby for gas so I could make it to Red Rock. After getting gas my car would not start. I was already running late so this was no bueno. I called Jason, he said try to get someone to give you a jump. Umm..I don't think he realizes what kind of peeps hang out around that 7-11, but it is certainly not somewhere I like to hang alone. BUT I was late to the cocktail hour and I needed help. So I walk into 7-11 and see a nicely dressed dude. (He wasn't bad looking either) I ask, "Hey is that your truck outside?" and he says, "No." So I said, "Well I don't really care what you drive, but can you jump me?" Well..maybe I should explain that I looked like I was ready for a night out at the club. So...maybe that should have been re-phrased. Anyways, the dude was nice and said for sure. I showed him my jeep and he said he would be out shortly. He came out, introduced himself, told me he worked for a car company, gave me his card, jumped my car, and I was on my merry way.

OK...so I finally get to the cocktail hour..only a few minutes late. And it was AWESOME. There was a bar made of ice. And a chandelier made of ice. An open bar might I add. And an amazing amazing amazing buffet. I mingled and decided to eat with Andrea...Jason was still MIA, but said he was on his way. ((Sorry J..but I had to eat because my first Jack and seven was already hitting me)) Jason finally shows up, eats, we go around and take pics at these little booths they have set up. It was a great night already. And then Dana announces we need to make our way downstairs to some lounge for a video presentation.

I knew about the video presentation bc I was in it and they told me. The Zuffa production team did a re-make of the The Night Before Christmas. So we make our way down to the lounge and watch the video..which was awesome. And a dj comes on. I was stoked. It was a great night already. I went to the bar to get another drink. (Don't ask me how many I had at this point..I am assuming...4 or 5) And Kid Rock came on stage. KID ROCK.

I love Kid Rock. Went to see him with my mom back in da day. Yep. KID ROCK. At our company Christmas party. I, of course, squeezed my way up to the front. Where I leaned over the stage and touched his leg. TOUCHED. HIS. LEG. Jason also noticed that we were standing like 3 feet away from Cindy Crawford. So he was stoked.

So Kid Rock played for like an hour. After that I got molested by a drunken female co-worker (Ok..everyone was drunk by that time..so its not like she was standing out) and was dancing. Went down the dance floor and me and Jason danced and danced and danced. And drank and drank and drank.

I think we made our way home around 1ish...I mean we had to pay a babysitter and all. I may or may not have taken a small snooze on the 30 minute drive home.

And Saturday I felt like someone had beaten my legs and feet with a baseball bat. BUT it was a good night. A great night.

And I know all you are jealous that you couldn't attend or be employed at such a bad ass company. (Unless you are of course, employed by the same company, and in that case, wasn't it an effing awesome night?!?!)

Boys Will Be Boys..Or Something

Raising a boy can be a lot of fun. I mean we get to wrestle and beat each other up. And he isn't afraid to get a little dirty. And he is a mama's boy. (def the best part) But then there is the other side of things...the gross side of raising boys. And they are gross.

So potty training is over and Bowen is officially in big boy undies all the time (except for bed time). But omg..why does he have to have his hands down his pants ALL the time?? I know I have said this before, it didn't go anywhere, but I think (because obviously Bowen didn't listen) it is worth repeating.

And I swear to Jebus I can bathe Bowen and 5 minutes later he smells like a boy again. None of that sweet baby wash, just weird smelling boy!! ((The kid is clean, trust me, I bathe him every night..but there is none of that sweet baby smell that I loved so much!))

And then there is the random/weird/unnecessary information boys like to share.

Here are a few things I have heard lately..

"Mommy...I picked my boogies out. Here is one for you!"

"Mommy...poop came out of my heiney. I wiped it though."

"Mommy!! I just tooted and it smells!"

"I need a diet pepsi and chips and queso! And hurry it up!"

"Mommy! My peeeeenis is hard!" (Seriously...wtf do you say to that?!)

And thats just a few of the things that have gone on in the past 10 days. I should have known things would get worse when he peed this morning. Here is why...

I made Bowen go potty and while he was pottying I was getting his tooth brush ready. However, Bowen has horrible aim and was peeing on the top of the lid and I told him to push it down..so he tried, but peed on the floor! So I said Bowen like this and tried to help him, but he smacked my hand and told me he could do it. And then started laughing and his little penis moved up and down, which not only made him laugh harder, but made the pee go up and down all over the toilet. I mean, this all happened in like 35 seconds. It was ridiculous. And it was like 7:30 in the morning. It was like a warning that things would only get more awkward as the day went on.

And then he was in the shower tonight. I had just shut off the water and was getting the towel ready for him and I look over and he is, as usual, "inspecting" his junk. And then I hear this, "MOMMY!! I have balls in my penis!!" Umm....ummm...I just ignored it. Then this, "They're like marbles!!! FEEL THEM!!" I told him no and to stop touching his penis and that he needed to get out of the tub so he could get a new band aid. Thank heavens the band aid distracted him from his testicles. Seriously..wtf...what do you even say to this? And dear God, please please please please don't let him say something about his penis marbles tomorrow at school. I mean if the teacher DOES tell me that a convo like that comes up I will just explain that he wants to know about his anatomy..I mean..wtf am I supposed to do? LIE? I don't think so.

Anyways..I know this will get worse. I have two little brothers so I know how boys grossness only gets worse. But seriously..I was not prepared for this. Those stupid what to expect when you have a toddler and how to raise a boy bullshit ass books don't talk about penis marbles. Or smelly toots. All I can say is, my selective hearing has GREATLY improved.

And what the hell..he is my first..gotta learn somehow. The next boy will be raised by a much more knowledgeable and prepared Sarah.