The Ugly Truth

Every parents will admit that their kid is cute, smart, funny, and that being a parent is pretty awesome. But not every parent will admit that their kid, at some time, annoys the shit out of them. And trust me, their kid does annoy them at some point. Yes being a parent is an amazing, wonderful thing. It is a bond that can't be described in words. But...like all things you love...at one time or another, that thing you love more than anything in the world, drives you fucking nuts.

I love Bowen...I have written blogs about how amazing being a mom is, how Bowen is my reason for living. And I love Bowen more than anything in the whole wide world and would do anything and everything for him. But Bowen can be...a lot to handle some times.

Bowen's new thing is, "I can handle it". If something is too hot to eat and I remind him to blow on it before he eats it, he says, "MOM...I can HANDLE it." Fiiine. Burn your mouth. And don't cry to me when it happens. If he wants to have a cookie before dinner and I tell him no because he needs to eat dinner first he says, "I can handle it mom. I can eat a cookie and then handle my dinner." Or he wants to get a game out of the top of the closet where 400 things are stacked on top of it. I ask Bowen to let me help him and he, of course, chimes in, "I can handle it by myself!!" But I stand around the corner so when he tries and has three boxes fall on him I can come save the day. I hear "I can handle it" like 47 times a day. And I am SURE he can handle it. But I don't necessarily want him to. (He isn't supposed to be this grown up yet!)

And now he has attitude. I didn't think this happened until the teenage years. But boy was I wrong. Someone, named Bowen Holmes, can get a tone in 1.4 seconds and it usually isn't a nice one. So when I hear that I obviously tell him to cut the tone out. Ok...let me just explain. Friday I decided to take Bowen to the Magical Forest. I told Bowen I had a surprise to take him to. He saw the lights when we showed up and then the train and was stoked. We saw Santa, looked at lights, rode the train and the carousel. Then it was time to get our frozen asses into the car and go home. So we were in the car on our way to McDonalds (Since it was 830 and he hadn't eaten yet) and I asked Bowen if he had fun. "Yea...I guess...but it wasn't a surprise.", he answered sounding like a 15 yr old I just dragged to Dora on Ice. I said, "Yea it was...you didn't know you were going. It was fun! Did you like talking to Santa?" He gets really annoyed and says, "No. I didn't like it at all. I just want to go home." So...I may or may not have told him he was being a little shit and if that was the way he was going to act then we wouldn't do anything fun again. He apologized. I apologized. But STILL. Really??? I spent $40 bucks I didn't really have on taking him out to something MOST kids love and then he wants to be an asshole when we leave. It really pisses me off. (Obviously) So he needs to pipe the 15 year old attitude down and realize that his mom is trying. (Because I REALLY am trying!!)

Since Bowen is an only child and I am the only person at home with him, he gets my undivided attention like 90% of the time. It is very rare that I even get to watch a movie that I want to watch until Bowen is sleeping...but this weekend I turned a movie on downstairs for Bowen and I went upstairs to watch a movie. Bowen was upstairs every 5 minutes for the most ridiculous things. "Mommy, did you know that bugs..umm...bugs...have legs..and they..umm..they crawl." And then, "Mommy...umm Mommy...Mommy..I have..umm I have teeth". So I gave up on the movie. Or when I was hanging up Christmas lights he was trying to push over the ladder. Ok..listen the ladder is like 4 feet tall, so if I did fall, it wouldn't be the worst fall ever...but still! Or ANY TIME I am on the phone he decides to talk. Or I am doing my Jillian Michaels work out and he drops a weight on my foot when he was trying to show me how to do the work out. I know every other mom out there has had some form of this happen. Every single parent has. And what do we do?? We handle it. ((Because we HAVE to lol)) And we don't watch movies, and we risk breaking our necks to hang up lights because we know our baby will LOVE it and we apologize to our friends/coworkers/family a jillion times when we are on the phone. Because, as a parent, that is what ya gotta do.

But...we can admit it is annoying as shit. We can admit that some days our kids get on our damn nerves. I mean, our kids sure will (If they haven't already) be the first ones to tell you that you are annoying or pissing them off. Being a parent is rough. Kids don't come with an owner's manual and it is never easy. Being a mommy is amazing. Most days. And I wouldn't trade being a mommy for the world. Any day. Now sometimes it takes until the very end of the day, when the house is quiet and I can finally breathe to remember it, but I always, always do.

Boobies, Bars, and Barfing

Well another Thanksgiving holiday has come and gone. And I thought about doing a cliche "I Am Thankful For..." blog, but I am sure everyone is as tired of those as they are leftover turkey. ((I sure as shit am.)) So instead of listing off every member of my family and Bowen and Diet Pepsi (among 3000 other things), I have decided to let you know what we did for turkey day.

On Tuesday I went to Bowen's school for their "Parents and Pies" Thanksgiving thingy. It was kind of lame, we all sat around and ate pie. During the pie eating Bowen pulled open my jacket and said, "Hey everybody, look at my mommy's big boobies!!!!" I knew I shouldn't have worn my cleavage showing shirt...but I was also a little hopeful there'd be a hot single dad taking notice. (No such luck) After my moment of being embarrassed it was time for the kids to make taking a 2 hour lunch worth while. All of the kids sat in a circle and said what they were thankful for. There were kids thankful for comic books, legos, God, Jesus, the stars and moon, and then my sweet little angel pie boy said, "I'm really thankful for my Mommy." OMG HEART MELTER!!! How sweet is that?! I mean...I think he had to figure out a way to get out of the dog house for the boob situation...and it worked.

Bowen and I went to Kansas for Thanksgiving. I haven't seen most of my family for like 3 years, so it was well overdue. I was SO excited to see everyone, nervous about traveling with my kiddo, and ready for a little mini-vacay. We had to be at the airport around 5am on Wednesday so my plan was to get a good night's sleep and wake up around 330. Umm..the sleeping did not happen. I literally did not sleep at all. I laid there with my eyes closed...and checked the clock every 17 minutes. We made it to the airport, Bowen was really good on the plane, however pissed that they didn't give him peanuts. He let the flight attendant know it was disappointing.

We made it to Kansas safe and sound...just a little bit tired. I was stoked to see my mom and sister and niece and the rest of the family. I was definitely looking forward to yummy food that I didn't have to cook!! And the drive from the airport to my mom's house ((the four hour drive)) made me realize how happy I am that I got the hell out of dodge. lol (Little town Kansas is good for a visit, but I don't think I could live there now that I have lived in Cali, Dallas, and Vegas)

Thanksgiving was amazing!! I got to see my aunts and uncles and grandma. The family is always entertaining and the food is awesome. I learned a lot about Nascar from my uncles, caught up on the family gossip, and watched the cutest niece ever dance around. We ate, went home and I took a little snooze. It was an all around great day.

Then Friday I went out with my cousin Chelsea. I had a few. I "stabbed" someone with a straw (I am trying to be more bad ass than I really am, it was a little poke lol) and then jumped over a bar to help the bartender only to get escorted out from behind the bar. So it was a good night. ((Seriously....bar owners in Liberal Kansas are so lame..where is their wild side?!?)) Anyways Chely Belly sure knows how to show a lady a night out on the town. I had a blast and it was some great cousin time.

Sunday rolled around and I have to admit...I was ready to come home and sleep in my bed and not have to listen to my son complain about his cousin ruining everything. Which was happening every five minutes. Our flight was delayed on the way home, but only by an hour. When we got home we snuggled up on the couch and watched movies. Ahhh...gotta love laziness.

I was SO tired I went to bed at 9. I was sleeping SOOOOO good. Until suddenly I woke up to the sound of someone vomiting....next to my head. And holy shit...it was actually happening. Bowen, my sweet boy, was spewing all over my bed. I finally got him out of the bed and headed to the bathroom and he collapses ((dramatically)) onto the carpet about a foot from the linoleum in the bathroom and barfs there. (For real...he couldn't make it 12 more inches to where it was easier to clean!?!?) I FINALLY get him into the bathroom and he refuses to puke in the toilet...it has to be into a towel. I mean COME ON!!!!!!!!! Anyways...we spent all night barfing into towels. It was quite eventful. Anyways, I think the puking stopped and we both fell back asleep about 7:30. Then when I woke him up at 9:45 ((I HAD to go get my laptop from the office and do some work)) he was perfectly fine.

Don't get me wrong..I was really worried about him and felt bad for him. I only had to do 4 loads of laundry and scrub 289 square feet of pukey floor...but he feels better and that is the most important thing. And I love his squishy little face.

SO......we made it to Kansas and had a good time. I was really excited to get back to Vegas for the first time in 2 years. Bowen got a gross tummy virus to top off the trip. And ya'll didn't even have to read another blog or facebook post about the 28 things someone else is thankful for.

When Geese Attack

Friday I had to take the day off because Bowen's daycare was closed. ((Seriously, they close for everything. Like MLK Jr day..who the fuck closes for that?! We live in Vegas for God's sake!!)) Anyways, after the crazy week I had, I was looking forward to chilling with my boy.

Bowen and I got to sleep in, which was awesome. Then we went to lunch with Reggie. Bowen loves Reggie. He kept trying to tickle him from the backseat on the way to lunch. He even acted awesome during the meal. I love Reggie and since he served our country, it only made sense to take him to out. Then after we dropped Reggie off at home, Bowen and I went to the duck pond.

The duck pond changed the day.

I had half a loaf of bread that was pretty stale and needed to be thrown out. Perfect reason to hit up the calm, fun duck pond. So we get to the park and go potty. (Thank God, because I may have pissed my pants in the next few minutes...) We walk up to the duck pond and there are tons of ducks and geese just hanging out. So I throw a few pieces to the animals and everything was going good. Bowen gets excited and wants to join in. Ok..Bowen throws some bread (Like a whole piece) out there and the ducks are happy, but the geese are slowly creeping closer, so we both scoot back. And in the next minute and a half was a flurry of bread being thrown as far as I could throw it so the birds would back the fuck off and us taking gigantic steps backwards.

One goose was giving me the evil eye. I think it smelled blood and wanted to fucking eat me. So Bowen is getting freaked out because the geese are as tall as he is and getting awful close. So I throw some more bread and a goose literally is two inches from me so I swing my bread bag at its head and tell Bowen we gotta go. That damn goose was retaliating. It made some ridiculous sound and started lunging it's head at my arm. I threw the rest of the bread on the ground and Bowen and I ran.

Bowen is yelling, "RUN MOMMY!!! THEY ARE GOING TO EAT US!!!!" And I was laughing so hard at the ridiculous situation going on, but also because I don't want to get bit by the goose chasing me. We were literally running for our lives.

So we make it to the end of the walkway and are laughing and I see a little boy crying. He saw the entire thing and was telling his mom, "Don't make me go over there!!!"

Bowen and I walk back to our car and he tells me that he does not want to feed the ducks anymore. From now on he just wants to go to the park, not the duck pond. I, of course, acted brave, but I sure as shit don't want to go back either. That is NOT cool. Damn ducks attacking people. The City of Las Vegas needs to be doing something about that.

The Inner Calm

Someone told me that 25 was the age where you really figure yourself out and what you want out of life. I always thought I was ahead of the game..had things more figured out than people my age...and in some ways I did. This year has been one of those years where I look back and say, "DAMN!"

For the first time in a really long time I finally feel at peace. Like things are going to be ok and I am finally happy. I don't have a lot of money, I have some seriously rough days, and there are nights where tears cover my cheeks before I fall asleep, but I know I am going to be ok. And it is the first time I can actually say this.

I have decided to let it all go. I can't control the future or what people are going to do, I can just control how I react. Now I'm not saying I will always react in the correct way or that I am suddenly perfect, but I think this is the first step to my life falling into place.

I am still figuring out how to handle Bowen handling the break up. It is getting easier..well maybe not easier, but more normal (which is sad), to have to handle the "Where is my Daddy?", or "You're mean because you won't let my Daddy stay here!", and my personal fav, "I want my Daddy not you!". It sucks...it breaks my heart...but Bowen is going to be ok. Right now I know he is sad, but all I can do is be there for him. All I can do is be the best mom I know how to be and hope that he understands when he is older why I did what I did and be ok with it. ((Honestly, he doesn't have a choice, he is gonna have to suck it up and deal with his mom not being Suzy Homemaker! lol))

And as far as no money goes...story of my life. lol Bowen doesn't really eat that much (damn picky kid) so that helps with the grocery bill. My new car gets better gas mileage than the old mommy mobile, so if gas prices would go down, I'd be good to go. I'm paying my bills, I've got a roof over our heads, and a job.

Speaking of jobs, my job is awesome. I am so blessed to work for such an awesome company and work with such a great group of people. If I didn't work with the team I do, I don't know if I'd have made it through the last few months. And not only that, but the guys we work with are (for the most part) so sweet. I mean, they honestly make your day worth while. Not only that, but it has seriously increased my problem solving skills. Because that is what we do. I book flights and travel, send off hotel information when needed. But what we really wait for is the problem, and then we jump on the problem and solve it. A guy misses his flights, you have to fix it, get him on the next available flight, make sure he gets his ass on that flight, tell the guy's picking him up from the airport, etc etc... It has really helped me with this whole only being able to decide how to react type of thing. ((Of course my reactions may include some yelling and cussing...on the home front or job front..but decisions are made!!))

A few people have asked if I am thinking about dating. And I did...for like a day...even started an eHarmony profile (but then I saw how expensive that shit was, saw the $6 in my account and stopped lol) However, I just quit thinking about it. I have thought I found "the one" twice. That shit bombed twice. And now that the last one is affecting my kiddo, I am obviously only thinking about that. I waited quite a while before introducing Jason and Bowen and I think I did and continue to do everything with Bowen's best interests in mind. However, I am just not ready to get involved with someone and have to think about how it would affect Bowen. Not only that, but it is SO nice to just have to worry about Bowen and I. I don't want to have to wonder if the guy I am dating is talking to another girl, cheating on me, if I am being bitchy to him, if I need to spend a Saturday with him instead of on the couch doing arts and crafts, etc etc. Dating is drama and I just don't have the extra energy to deal with that right now. So maybe a few months or a year from now I will want to date, but right now not so much. I mean...eventually it is bound to happen...I want to get laid before I am 26 ya know. lol

So...that in a nutshell...is my life as of now. ((Why do I feel like I just jinxed myself???)) I know there will be shitty days and probably a bill I can't afford coming soon ((ughh medical tests always end up fucking me)), but is what it is. I can only take it one day at a time. And annoy Bowen with lots of kisses in the mean time. And that is what I plan on doing.

Sorry About That

Bowen...the little love of my life...the heathen that controls everything in my world...the bratty beast that I snuggle every night...had a rough day today. Here is his harrowing tale. (Which is really my harrowing tale)

I was signing Bowen out of school today and his teacher came up to me and said, "Bowen had a rough day today." It is never a good thing when a teacher tells you this. So my response was, "What did he do?"

So she tells me that he was very emotional today. (Maybe he is getting my PMS symptoms?) He was getting upset very easily and crying if things weren't working out. Miss K said maybe he was tired. And then she tells me that he hit three kids.

While Miss K is telling me about Bowen's day, Bowen is standing next to me digging through his bag that I am holding. She says, "Bowen hit three different kids today." Without missing a beat Bowen replies, "Yea...sorry about dat." And keeps on digging for whatever shit is in the bag. Miss K and the other teacher and I all look at each other and then turn around to hide our laughter.

I had my laugh and then got back to the seriousness of the situation.

Bowen hitting pisses me off. I refuse to have a bully for a kid.

And not only did he hit a kid, but he went up to one of the kids during naptime and hit him while he was asleep. ((Maybe he is a great planner and waits for the best time for the attack??))

Then when the teachers told Bowen that they would have to tell me that he hit kids today he erupted into tears. He bawled for an hour and asked them not to tell me. ((Not sure if I should feel a sense of accomplishment or not. But I do.))

So I assure the sweet teachers that he will be punished for this and I will take care of it. And I apologize profusely and tell them that I am not happy about it and raise Bowen better than that.

On the way out of the school I tell Bowen he will not be getting any movies tonight (Which is what he was asking for) and that when we get home we are going to have a talk about his behavior. Ohhh the water works were on. And he kept telling me he was sorry. Then when we are in the car he tells me he wants Chili's for dinner. I tell him no because he was very bad at school.

He cried all the way home. And apologized all the way home.

We had a big talk...I told him no movies at all. He wasn't getting any treats tonight. (Which is candy or cookies) And that I was going to tell his teachers to call me if he hit another kid and if he did I would come up to the school and bust his ass.

Now I know what lots of people are going to say. He is hitting, so don't hit him back. Well I didn't. Today he hit three kids and he got time out three times. (So obv that shit doesn't work for every kid or every time) And I took away three things he wanted. We talked about his behavior again before bed and he promised me he was sorry and would not hit again.

And if he does hit again, I will go up to the school.

And at this moment I sound confident about my parenting skills. But in reality, when he does shit like this, it really upsets me. I get so upset when I hear about another kid hitting Bowen and I really don't want another mom to feel that way. And not only that, but is it somehow my fault? Did I not pay enough attention to him this weekend? What could he be upset about? Ya know...all the millions of questions that run through your mind when you realize that somewhere you missed something when taking care of your kid.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that this was just a bad day. That he realizes what he did wrong. And we never have this problem again.

And since I don't want to face reality right now..I am calling it a night and going to bed.

BOWEN: This is your mommy. We better have a better day tomorrow. I want to go to Chili's!!!!

The Balancing Act

Balance. That is what I need to find. However...literally and figuratively...I cannot find my balance.

I've basically been a single mom most of Bowen's life. When Jason and I moved in together was the first time I really had a partner and someone to help me raise my kid. I had a year and a half of help...and now I'm back to doing it on my own.

When my ex-husband and I separated I went home to mama. And she was an amazing help. Even when I (finally) moved out of her house and got my own place, I always had her help. She picked Bowen up from school and watched him when I worked my second job on Saturday's. If I wanted to go out one night I had a babysitter. And for those rare weekends away when Jason and I were dating, I was totally comfortable and happy leaving Bowen with his Nana. Plus if I was having a bad day she was ALWAYS there. I always had someone to hang with on the weekends if I was bored and she was always down for a Lifetime movie marathon on Sunday.

Now...I have none of these things. Ok..well I have Jason picking Bowen up on Tuesday's and Thursday's until 8pm. ((which is a really big help, don't get me wrong. Without that, I wouldn't be able to make my 40 hours for work most weeks)) Needless to say...I am running a little ragged. (Because on top of the madness of single motherhood, I do believe I am having issues with my thyroid..which is making things even worse)

So...how do mom's figure it all out? How do you start to date? How do you even find a guy to date?! How do you handle work and motherhood? And does it ever get easier? ((Actually...at the end of the day I don't even know if I can handle dating because I feel like life keeps attacking me.))

Let's just talk about today...I had to go to the grocery store and was SO tired. (piece of shit thyroid...or my body is falling apart..either way) So we go to walmart aka hell and finally get home. Bowen is sitting down eating and I am dragging a bajillion bags of groceries into the house. And during all my hard work Bowen is going on and on about wanting a movie on the big tv. I turn around and am telling him he needs to be patient, that I am busy and literally slide three feet on a fucking block and bust my ass on the hard wood floor. (Balance would have come in handy right then) So it gets really quiet as my huge ass hits the floor and Bowen says, "You should pick that block up, not step on it." And crunches into another chip. All I could do was laugh. HE did pick that block (and 739 other toys) up later...but it was just one of those laugh or cry moments.

A little bit later we tried to bake some sugar cookies. I made the cookies as directed..but the damn things were SO sticky. So I put them in the fridge. The WHOLE ten minutes they were in the fridge (Should have been longer but I was losing my cool) Bowen asked when they would be ready and can he use the pumpkin cookie cutter. Literally, "Mom, are the cookies ready?" Thirty five seconds pass. "Little Mama I want to use the pumpkin cookie. Can I use the pumpkin cookie?" Thirty five seconds after that..."Mama...Mommy...I think the cookies are done. Are the cookies done?" I got lucky and 45 seconds passed, "Little Mama...so I'm going to use the pumpkin cookie cutter. And I think the cookies are cold now." ANYWAYS...we get the cookies made. It was a long, hard process. But they were made. And he likes them. (I'm not such a fan..but I'm not eating them so it's all good)

Later I'm on the phone with a friend. (The first adult convo I have had in 24 hours) I am chatting away about her kid and her ex and Bowen suddenly decides he needs to show me a block. (probably the one that broke my tailbone earlier) And then he wanted to talk about Beauty and the Beast. And then he interrupted to tell me he wanted to talk to me. I was like DAMN!!!! I have been with the kid for 48 hours straight..it has been me and him...all my attention on him...and I want 10 minutes and he can't hang.

So needless to say this mom is enjoying her hour alone, with her freshly painted nails, and reality tv on. Even on the worst of days, days 42 times worse than today, I can look back and see how blessed and lucky I am. Right now I can pay all my bills. (Barely..but they are getting paid) We have food in the cabinets and I'm able to eat. (My Dad knows what I'm talking about) I have a car, a job, a roof over my head, and the best child in the world. Every night I go to my room and look in my bed and see the sweetest angel in the world laying on my pillow. ((That drool spot kind of kills the moment, until I remember that I can flip the pillow over.)) Bowen is my calm in the storm. He is the reason I keep going. And even though he tests my patience and gave me stretch marks and drains my bank account...I cannot imagine where and what I would be without him. But in the mean time...I need some balance. Some peace of mind. A little cash wouldn't hurt either. And some energy. Does anyone have any of these things to spare?

Sweet Little Lies...Except Not

Everyone lies. Sometimes to save yourself trouble, sometimes to hurt someone. Sometimes we lie and it isn't even with a malicious intent. Even if it is a little white lie done in order to not hurt someone's feelings. Everyone does it. Anyways..when does that start? When do we start lying? All I know is four years old is WAY too young for my kid to begin.

I can tell you, daycare/preschool has been great and horrible. This year Bowen has gotten in trouble for repeating the B word because another kid at school said it repeatedly one day. I also walked in one day to him punching a kid because the kid kept telling him he was building a bed and Bowen kept telling the kid he was building a house. (Totally worth a punch to the face, right? The damn kid should've listened!! ;-) ) And now I guess the little monster has learned how to lie.

This evening I had him from 7:45 to 8:45 (because he was with my ex) and he told me two lies in that short amount of time.

The first time he was in the shower and I told him I was coming in to wash his hair when he shreaked at me not to come in. Obviously that means he is doing something bad. For some reason I imagined him pooping in the tub. What he had really done was use my shaving cream. I have no idea how much he used, but you could definitely smell it. And he has a few little puffs in his hair. So I asked Bowen if he used my shaving cream. He says, "Noooooooooo."I told him that I knew he did and he should always tell me the truth. I also told him that he will get in a lot more trouble if he lies. He said ok and told me that he was sorry.

I thought I got through to the kid. I guess that I should have known it wouldn't be that easy.

Silly, Mommy.

A little bit later we were in bed reading stories and right when I was tucking him in he tells me how hungry he is. Now he was with my ex, so I don't know if he ate dinner or not. So I ask him if he ate any nachos or popcorn when they went to the movies. He says no. I asked like 37 times if he was sure. Every time he says no. I call my ex and ask and the ex says he ate 3/4 of a bag of popcorn. ((And by this time we were downstairs so he could eat)) Needless to say I was pissed. I sent him upstairs without a snack. I told him he better not lie to me ever again or I am going to pop him on his butt. He knew he was in trouble so he started crying and telling me he was sorry. I sent him to bed without a snack...or a hug.

Needless to say...I am a little shocked. I can't believe he lied to me. TWICE. He is four years old! I wasn't expecting this until at least elementary school. And how do you explain to a four year old what he is doing?

I would SO much rather deal with him telling me his penis grows (which he does almost every day) or wiping poop off his butt or even picking a booger from his nose than deal with the lying. I don't even know how to begin.

Is it too early for military school? lol

The Birthday Blog

I was going to write about my 25th birthday and how much I appreciate life and how much I've learned. But it seemed a little too easy. And honestly, everything I've learned, I've learned the hard way and it kind of pisses me off. So...to spare you the Bitter Betty Blog, I've decided to talk about things that I love.

1.) The Texas Rangers. Ok..I admit..I am a relatively NEW baseball fan. I never lived with/dated anyone who liked baseball until Jason. The good thing about this is...he was a fan of the Rangers and they are hottest team in MLB history. Josh Hamilton is a sexy, beast. He has that reformed, bad boy thing going on..tattoos...hotness. Yummy. But let's not forget about CJ Wilson and his artistic self. I think we could have some fun with him, me, and a camera. (Just sayin!!) And Ian Kinsler. David Murphy. Nelson Cruz. Craig Gentry. Honestly..the list could go on and on. And I have a list. Let's just hope I don't ever get the chance to go to a meet and greet..for their sakes. I can promise that at least one of them would be suffering from Hamilton's most recent injury by the time I was done. (PS..I don't like the rangers only because they are hot..I honestly love watching baseball now)

2.) Hail to the V. I love the new Summers Eve commercial. I mean.. I don't know what the hell I'm doing wrong, but I've never had a man risk his life for my vag. I have been known to make a man fall in love after a sack session (or at least major lust), but there have been no threats made to another dude. Either way..I love the damn commercials. And we all know, the hoo-ha has some power. (Admit it guys) I am glad that it is now being made public. Hail to the V guys!

3.) Crown and 7. I got to go out for a birthday get together on Saturday in my honor and it was SO nice to get out of the house, be with other adults, and have no children around. And, of course, enjoy my fav bevie..crown and 7. My old drink was captain and diet coke with a lime. Then this dude introduced me to crown and 7. I think that is why I keep him as my friend, because I feel like I owe him something for introducing me to this bubbly, refreshment. One sip and your body is taken over by pure happiness.

4.) Spartacus. I've watched both seasons of Spartacus and I keep watching them. I can't brag this series up enough. First of all, it has violence. Men beating the shit out of each other. And sometimes women. ((I work for the UFC..obviously I enjoy this type of thing)) And they are sexy, muscular men. ((Like the dudes in 300..which also makes me drool)) AND it is sort of like porn. I've never seen so many orgies and boobies and man packages in my life. I did get pretty pissed when my fav boy got killed, but at the end of the day I love it. And I love to watch it right before bed so I can dream of Spartacus!!!

5.) Bowen. I had to add the kid because I love him more than anything in the world. The other day he brought over a bowl of popcorn, climbed onto my lap, and farted. He sighed and said, "well I think I have gas" and ate a handful of popcorn, like nothing happened. As gross and crazy and obnoxious as he can be, I love him SO much! He really does make everything in my life better. And I love him more than he will ever know. Awww..now I wanna go snuggle him in bed!!

Anyways..I hope you got a laugh or two. If you haven't checked out the Texas Rangers, ladies, you should. TRUST me. And everyone should youtube the hail to the v commercial. I love it. And if you haven't watched Spartacus you are missing out. AMAZING. You can't have my kid, so I can't help you with that...I mean you can always wish for a kid as awesome as mine.

Anyways..I am going to finish up this pint of ice cream and hit the hay. Kinda bummed there was no birthday kiss..but maybe next year. By a Texas Ranger.

The Grudge (not by Tool)

So I'm a little crazy...maybe a lot crazy. And I go to therapy. Mostly so I don't lose my shit and have a mental breakdown in the middle of the work day or get pissed and smash all of my plates. Any ways..for all you haters (get the fuck off my blog), kiss my ass..you probably need therapy way more than I do. ANYWAYS...the last few weeks have been pretty rough. Thankfully...I got to talk to Renee today.

Anyways, I am the first to admit I have a temper. I can come unglued in .38 seconds and it isn't pretty. Since I've become a mommy, it has gotten a lot better, but that temper is still there. And I also tend to hold a grudge. (it is the scorpio coming out) Needless to say...I have a lot of anger and...grudginess...towards both of my ex's. And even more anger at myself. So I was talking to Renee and she told me that I need to let go of the anger and let the grudges go. Uhh yea..no shit..easier said than done. Basically she brought it back to being a mom. And that our kids can tell when we aren't in a good place.

And damn it..I know she is right. Bowen and I are SUPER close. If I'm having a bad day or am sad he instantly knows. She said I am a good mom, but this is holding me back from being a great mom. (which made me cry...of course) Now normally...ok fine, I said it in my head at first...I would tell her, or anyone for that matter, to go fuck themselves, because I am damn good mom. BUT she has been in my shoes, so I can see her side of things. Plus she is a lot like me, which means I take what she says more seriously than most people.

Anyways, the anger/grudge situation is something I have ALWAYS struggled with. But I would like to be able to let it go. Because forgiving someone isn't for them, it is for me...right?? The problem is...I have no idea how to do that. So any tips are welcome. Because I want to be the greatest mom I can be. Plus, my kid has like almost ALL of my good attributes and I don't want him to get my bad ones, so the sooner this one is gone, the better.

Anatomy 101 & Killer Illnesses 102

I am almost over the flu...the flu is awful. I don't remember having the flu growing up. All I remember is having it since I moved to the evil, effing desert. I got it last year in February and it was brutal. I mean all of a sudden my body started to hurt and I had to lay down...then the fever, chills, nausea, and the feeling of death coming over me took over. And all of a sudden Friday the same shit happened. I started puking and by the time I drove from the office to my house I could barely move. Good new is...I survived and it looks like it is almost over. The thing is...you can't be sick like that and be a single mom. You can't. I mean just going to pick Bowen up from school and come home on Friday, killed me. KILLED me. So...it has been a long weekend. ((This also makes me wonder if the flu shot is even legit. That is a whole other story though))

On the lighter side of things...last night I was putting lotion on Bowen after his shower, and all of a sudden he grabs his penis and shoves his hips at me and makes a shooting noise. ((Why is it that boys can make such awesome sound effects and girls can't...it is like they come out of the womb able to do this)) I was like wtf?! And started giggling...because how can you not laugh at that?? And then he does it again, but add this little hip swivel so he is "shooting" me from the left and the right. So while I'm trying not to laugh I am pushing him away and saying, "STOP!! Bowen don't do that!!!" And he suddenly stops, looks at me very seriously..and says, "I'm just shooting you with me peeenus...it is not that big a deal." And then he turns around and stomps off and finds his underwear. Really!? Really. He is 4 years old. WHY?! Why is he doing this already? lol

Then we were watching the UFC fights on Versus last night and these are the fighters that I booked flights for, so I am usually really into it. ((Hello...all my hard work went into that event lol)) So Bowen and I are snuggled up on my bed watching Pat Barry and Stefan Struve fight and all of a sudden Bowen says, "Mom...when I grow up am I going to have boobs like you?" So I look at him and say, "Bowen..boys don't have boobs." And he sits up, puts his hand on my face and says, "But they have boobs!" And points to the tv. So I explain that boys have pecs and girls have boobs. So, my very smart son says, "But we all have nipples. And gorillas have nipples too." Ummm...yea. We all have nipples. Gorillas too.

Anyways...it has been a puke and anatomy filled weekend. I can't say that there is ever a dull moment in this life. Maybe next weekend we can skip the puke and go easy on anatomy. Can't we just play with trains and draw pictures??

The Not-So-Starving Artist

So..Bowen is in preschool and he is super smart. He can write his name, lots of different letters, lots of numbers, and he is an amazing artist. ((unfortunately I cannot say that he got that from me...but all the other good shit he does)) One of his teachers also told me he is very gifted and talented. Fact of the matter is...so far, Bowen has his shit together education wise.

The other day Bowen brought a picture he drew in school of his family. ((I guess they were practicing stick figures..which Bowen is kind of beyond...but whatevs)) There was Jason on the left, me in the middle, and Bowen. Pretty awesome picture. AND me and Bowen had treats. Which makes everything better.

And then there was a picture on the back. Of Uncle Jeff. ((Uncle Jeff is Jason's roommate))

Uncle Jeff was a normal stick figure. With...a penis and balls. I was shocked and confused to say the least. Why the hell does Uncle Jeff have junk? And is it really that big? And how the hell does he know?!?! SOOOOOOO I did what any parent would do and posted that shit on facebook. (not the pic..but the sitch) And my good friend, who is studying psychology, totally teased me about it..but later told me to ask Bowen why he did it. So I did. And Bowen said, "Uhhh because he is a boy and boys have penises." And then later went on to a story about how Uncle Jeff was going to take a shower, so he had to be naked. (of course...of course...and here I was worried)

Anyways..I was a little freaked out. I mean the kid was super proud of his pics. (not just the penis one you dirty minded nerd) So the good friend told me that it was totally normal for kids his age..and to be prepared for when he starts playing with himself. And then, after I told the story to my therapist, she told me that since I was in the middle, and the biggest, AND had treats, it shows that I am the number one in his life and he understands that I am his main nurturer and caregiver. So BOOM. I am a good mom.

So...while I was first shocked by the pics...I am now totally cool with them now. And he was getting BRAGGED up in therapy last night when he drew "the lady with the couch" like 47 pictures of trains. ((I guess he is WAY ahead of his age group, drawing wise)) Needless to say, I am a proud mama. And now...suddenly super curious about Uncle Jeff!! ;-) Kidding kidding....

I'm Hell on Heels

I'm suddenly on this country kick. Everyone knows I'm a rock lover. Bowen even knows and embraces this. ((As if he ever had a choice)) And yet I suddenly find myself jamming out to Pat Green and two stepping by myself in the kitchen while baking cupcakes. I really am thinking about bringing out my cowboy boots and wearing them around. However, my lovely son is not such a fan. In the car today he said (very dramatically), "MOMMY!! Turn this off and PUH-LEAAASE listen to somefing with good drums. Like the drum song or I'm Not Your Boyfriend Baby or ANYFING else." SO...I did. We listened to Jambi by tool and then part of I'm Not Your Boyfriend Baby by 3oh!3. Anyways, it makes me giggle to think that he already has such an opinion about music, but it makes sense because I am the same way. Music is my life!!!

With this love of music I have learned to accept all forms of music and don't make fun of anyone's music choices/preferences...ok sometimes a little. BUT I know music is art and it relates to people in different ways. I am a lyrics fanatic and find myself getting lyrics to songs stuck in my head that relate to the current situation I'm in. For example...today I was in a great mood...and "I've got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine" was on replay in my head. But more seriously, there is always a song that helps me through a certain time. And I have decided that "Hell on Heels" by Pistol Annie's is my theme song. For now at least. ((Lord knows I have enough heels for it to make sense))

SOOOO..that being said. I always wonder about these people who don't let their kids listen to certain music. Even my stepmom censored our music for a hot minute. I remember her coming into my little brother's room where he was playing Limp Bizkit's Hot Dog and ripping the CD out of the CD player and throwing it in the trash. NOW...he was like..12..and the song does say, "If I say f&$# two more times that's 46 f&$#'s in this F&$#ed up rhyme". BUT it was all in fun. And it isn't like we hadn't heard the f-bomb before. ((My dad has major potty mouth when he drives LOL)) It's not like he was 6 and walking around singing, "I did it all for the nookie!" While I understand you don't want your young child walking around calling girls ho's and bitches...I gotta wonder what age is old enough? If you can't control your kid from saying certain words, what can you control?

Here is my argument(s) ((because I am a debater and all))....at some point all kids are going to hear bad words if they haven't already. I am a firm believer that I am the parent and if I want to say shit, damn, fuck, or whatever, I'm gonna say it. And if Bowen says it I tell him that it is a word only used by mommy's and daddy's. And it works. Mostly because I put the fear of God in him and he knows who is boss. THIS GIRL!! Now...one of Bowen's favorite songs right now is 99 Problem by JayZ. So instead of saying, "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" he says, "I got 99 problems but a Bo ain't one". I did not get him into this song or change the lyrics, but it works.

Second argument...don't all you parents who are children of the 70s and 80s act like your music wasn't bad. Don't even try to bullshit this bullshitter. AC/DC's Let Me Put My Love Into You is pretty dirty. "Let me cut your cake with my knife"...pretty sure he wasn't talking about a birthday cake...however he may have wanted you in your birthday suit. And actually he mentions dry humping all night in the beginning of the song. I don't blame him...dry humping can only take you so far..so either let him cut the cake or give the man a break. Aerosmith wanted to make love in an elevator, Billy Idol had girls yelling for more, you were pulling the trigger to Kiss' love gun, even Heart was talking about one night stands. SOO...parents...don't act like Lil Wayne is doing anything different..he just has some purple drank while he is doing it. And says it a lot faster than others do.

And finally (for time's sake, bc I can do this all night) all those Kidz Bop cd's are kind of creepy. How is listening to a group of 20 kids under the age of 12 singing "Forget You" which is originally "Fuck You" make it ok to let your kid listen to it? It just trips me out to that that the actual song is not ok for your kid to listen to it, but have a group of kids singing California Gurls which talks about melting your popsicle is just fine. See the irony? No? Really??

ANYWAYS..I honestly couldn't give a shit less if you cuss or don't cuss around your kid. When I'm around other people's children ((Which is rare..because I really don't like other people's kids for the most part. lol KIDDING)) I try reaaaaaally hard not to cuss, unless the parent doesn't mind. And we all have our own parenting style. SO do your thing. And I REALLY don't care what kind of music you let your kid listen to, I will just giggle inside when you tell me that your kid can't listen to whatever and think to myself, "RIGHT...he will listen to it when he gets to school and his friend has it on his iPod, but ok." Just over here listening to music filled with obscene lyrics and letting my thoughts blaze the interwebs for a hot second.

In Remembrance

I'm sitting on my couch, watching footage of people running from the Twin Towers and firefighters from Ladder 7 all saying the same thing, "It's like it happened just yesterday." I have to admit, I feel a little bit of guilt, because I rarely think about it. I was 15 years old when the attacks on 9/11 happened and it was horrible then. And somehow now it breaks my heart more. Maybe because I'm an adult and process it differently. Maybe because I am a mom and imagine one of those people being my son or me dying and leaving my son. Maybe because I watched my husband leave for a war that was spawned by this and come back a different person. I don't know, but it hurts just the same.

How many times do you stop to think about what the people who lived through it, who were in a tower, who lost their husband or wife on that day? I admit, I rarely do. Only when this horrible anniversary approaches and for a few days after. Then it is back to business, back to trying to live life and make it to the next day. But now I'm sitting here thinking about these people who have to live it every, single day. The men and women who have flashbacks, who remember the last phone calls they received from their wives and husbands and parents, the ones that ran from the burning towers, those stuck on hijacked planes...It breaks my heart.

Days like today make me stop and think about just how lucky I am. I am so thankful I have my family, my son, and am not one of the people who lost someone that day. It makes my appreciation for firefighters, police officers, medics, and the military only grow. Heroes don't have to wear capes, they are people we all see on 9/11 coverage every year. The first responders, the people holding each other's hands and saying prayers together while escaping the towers, the troops immediately deployed...those are real heroes. The men and women widowed by these attacks and the children who are growing up without a parent and the parents who lost their child, those are real heroes.

If anything today makes me want to give an extra hug to my son. To tell him I love him one time too many. This reminds me that while the USA is resilient, our community came together, and we have prevailed, we are not promised tomorrow. We cannot control the future or other people and no one, especially me, ever expected for anything like this to happen, but it did. So today reminds me that we should never take anything for granted, to tell the ones we love that we love them, and to never forget.

And So It Is

I'm just going to start out by saying I am having some INTENSE pms. Yep. Like serious mood swings, eating everything in the house, and watching every available rom/com and Lifetime movie. It is not ok. Seriously...I need an intervention.

But this week..hell this whole year...has been hellacious. And this week..has been topped off by the pms of 76 teenage girls all rolled into one. Thank you Mother Nature, you bitch.

So...while I sit here with my plate of butterscotch oatmeal cookies and my massive diet pepsi, I need to vent a little. And where better to vent than by the interwebs?

First of all...I am trying to get back in the swing of this whole single motherhood thing. And it sucks a big one. I am a little bit pissed at myself for getting so used to having help. But really I just want to know when it gets a little easier. With this break up my kid has been affected, which I have never had to deal with. So his attitude BLOWS. He has been acting like a little shit and it sucks being the bad guy...but I do it. Then I have to figure out how to get out of the house and to work earlier than normal because I have to leave earlier so I can make all my hours for work. Easier said than done when you can't sleep at night because you are stressing out AND freaked out by every sound in the house. Due to the lack of sleep I look like ass and am running low on patience. Deadly combination. And this is the first break up I have gone through without any family here with me. I really just want a big hug and girls day with my mom. I mean without my mom I never, ever would have made it through my divorce, and since this is practically my second one, I wish she were here just as much.

Secondly, what is wrong with car salesman? Are they taught to be blood sucking demons? Or was I just lucky enough to get that guy? As you all know (because the three people who read this shit are my family) I got a new Camaro. Friday, I got a call from my car salesman telling me that I owe the bank that financed my Jeep $256. I asked how this was my problem considering he told me at the time of signing that they would pay off the rest owed on the Jeep. So I did some research, found out that I did now owe $256 more because the Chevy company has yet to pay off the Jeep. Now..really pissed...I call back the Chevy company and as soon as I hear my salesman voice ask, "Are you trying to f@*$ me right now? Because it really feels like it." When he explained that the pay off has now gone up since they haven't paid off the Jeep yet (no shit Sherlock) I owe that amount. So I say, "Ok...fine. If you're going to make me pay this shit, you can have the fu@#$*& car back. I will be there in 20 mins, have my fu$#@^& Jeep ready." THANKFULLY..because I really love my Camaro...he changed his tune really quick. But seriously...wtf!?! Do they just rape every young, female that buys a car from them, or am I special? Gahhhhhh...just pisses me off all over again.

Next on the list...why do kids HAVE to pee every time you enter a store, restaurant, sit down to eat, or watch a show. Not only does he have to pee, but he decides to talk about everything in the world, he needs a drink, and a snack and everything under God's sun. It kills me. He could go ALL day without wanting me to do anything with him, until I sit down to enjoy my Lifetime movie or reality show. I literally told Bowen I would let him have 4 cookies if he didn't speak until the next commercial. He couldn't even handle that! Does this ever end? Or am I stuck with this for the next 14 years? Anyone??? Anyone???

And where the hell is the one? The one that I see in The Back Up Plan and You've Got Mail and The Princess Bride?? I mean seriously?! I refuse to join match.com or any of that shit. I just have heard one too many horror stories. Lets just say some people have really learned the art of Photoshop. But my point is...I've been married, practically married, and now I'm single again. And damn it I want some romance. I want someone who sweeps me off my feet and gives me butterflies. Not some doucher who wants to know what color my panties are. And the real problem is I live in Vegas. Where the men are like Ed Hardy/Affliction/Jersey Shore/WWF freaks all rolled into one. It is some serious bullshit. And where the hell am I...a working mother...going to meet a decent dude?? I might as well start collecting cats right now. Oh wait..I'm allergic. I really am screwed. And not even literally...damn it.

AS a final note...look...I have a big heart. I always want to think the best of everyone. I have been friends with guys and girls who were bad-mouthed and completely misunderstood since I was a little girl. I have gotten teary eyed during the National Anthem for as long as I can remember. I have been the odd man out since...well forever because I refuse to just go with the flow. But I am always a good friend. And I help people out as much as I possibly can. I will bend over backwards for someone if they are a good person. Now with all of this comes a serious issue if the other party breaks that trust or does something shitty. Anyways...long story short..someone did just that. Someone I thought was a really good person and someone I could trust and count on, really broke my trust and heart. I cried all night, couldn't sleep, and was miserable that day and the next. And it sucks. It sucks to be a genuinely good person (I didn't say perfect..just good) and have things like this happen repeatedly. It makes it really hard to not lose hope and faith when every time you do, you get knocked back down.

So...my Lifetime movie is almost over...it is an hour past my son's bed time..and I am sure I need to do some more laundry. And I just threw myself a big pity party. Pretty sure my night is complete. Ok..fine..maybe after one more chick flick and a half dozen more cookies. Now this...is the upside of the single life.

Songs On Repeat

I've been listening to this song over and over again...we all have that one song that we put on repeat when we are in certain situations. Sometimes when we are lucky its a love song...other times it's a song that explains heart break ((Bonnie Raitt's 'I Can't Make You Love Me' was my anthem during my divorce)) and some times it is a song that explains all the hate and anger you have festering inside your deep, dark soul. (No? That is just me?) ANYWAYS...the song I keep replaying right now is Run by Snow Patrol.

My son is my whole life...my whole world...my everything. Has been since the day I found out I was pregnant with him and this kid and I have been through some shit together. Once again...it is back to just me and him (like we have been destined for it to be just the two of us since the beginning) and it breaks my heart. Not because I'm single..but because in the midst of this whole thing I have hurt him.

The song says, "You've been the only thing that's right, in all I've done"

And out of all the shit I've done in my life. The college decisions, the marriage, the divorce, the friend choices, the dates, the jobs...just everything...the only thing that has ever been 100% right was him. Looking back on my relationship with Jason and where we are now I wonder what the hell I was thinking? And if I made a huge mistake. Hind sight is always 20/20 I guess.

I was the product of divorce...I mean who the hell isn't nowadays? But I always said I would never end up divorced. And I am...and I feel like I am in the middle of my second one. And the second one is worse than the first. This time my son knows something is wrong. This time my son is really losing a dad...because until Jason he had a sperm donor..not a dad. And this time it really affects Bowen more than me. So not only did I fail...but I failed my kid.

I know...I know..he will be fine. He is a strong kid. It is what is is. Kids bounce back. I have heard it all. And guess what...doesn't make me feel any better. But I commend you all on your valiant efforts.

So as the song says, "I know we'll make it anywhere"

And Bowen and I will. We have been through a lot. We have moved from Texas to California to be with the person we were supposed to live happily ever after with, California to Texas and had to start completely over. Texas to Vegas...and began a new life as a new family. And now we start the next chapter. I don't know what this chapter will bring. So far it has included a lot of confusion, horrible behavior by Bowen, and lots of tears. As well as a new hair color and new car. (I think I officially had my midlife crisis)

So..my little brat boy, Bowen...if you ever end up reading this...I just want you to know...you may never fully understand why I've done the things I've done, but since you've been conceived you have been the reason for everything I do. (Including the occasional drunken night...hey Mom's need and deserve a break) You are my whole world and I love you more than words will ever ever be able to explain. And "Even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you dear".

Ramblings of a Blogging Mom

Growing up, especially when I was a teen, I remember numerous (possibly hundreds) of times that I said, "I will NEVER do that!" after my parents did something I thought was completely heinous. Don't judge...you know you did the same damn thing. Like for one, I SWORE I would never get divorced. And now look at me. I also swore I wouldn't yell at my kid, say the phrase "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about", tell my kid they can't do something just because everyone else is doing it, or lick my finger and wipe my kids face with my slobbery digit....among like 73 other things. I can officially say...I have done..and will probably do again..all of these things.

However, there are plenty of things my parents did do that I hope I can live up to. Or at least do half as well.

My mom is really crafty. She sewed almost all of my Halloween costumes and prom dresses. She can paint, sew, cook, draw, and write. She also did some really fun things. Sometimes on the weekends she would let my brother and I "cook" while she fixed us breakfast. And by cook I mean she let us make a ridiculous mess. We would take empty 2 liter Diet Pepsi bottles and put water, milk, egg shells, and God knows what else in there. I am sure it was ridiculous to clean, but it's one of those things I will always remember. Along with things like making gingerbread houses. She would let Chance and I make these gingerbread houses at Christmas time. And we made them. But we also made a ridiculous mess to go with our masterpieces. And she NEVER said anything about it. I am sure when she woke up the next morning to go to work she thought a nuclear bomb went off in her kitchen. But she never said a thing. ((I would have had a meltdown of epic proportions)) My mom pretty much was up for anything. If I wanted to get all dressed up for no reason, she would play along. If I wanted to perm my hair (ughh..big mistake..all 3 times) she would perm it for me. My mom would do whatever spontaneous, ridiculous thing us kids wanted to do. And I HOPE I can be like that. I hope Bowen remembers painting his body and the floors. I hope we get to do silly things like "cook" breakfast. Mostly, I hope I can make Bowen's childhood fun and silly and make him feel like a kid as often as possible, because that is what I love about my mom.

And then there is my dad. OH my dad. The dad that used to put rubber bands in my hair instead of hair ties. The dad who always told me that it doesn't matter what everyone else is doing or if it will make me lose friends, if something is wrong, do the right thing. The dad that taught me how to fight dirty after I got my ass kicked for the first time. (he said eye ball gouging was definitely ok, along with earring ripping out, and biting if necessary lol) The same dad that watched me fail miserably at my first debate tournament when I was in 8th grade (in my defense I was going up against 10-12th graders and I had never had formal training) and made me feel like I didn't actually suck ass. (And I REALLY sucked ass) My dad has been a shoulder to cry on, a hard ass, embarrassing (VERY embarrassing), but always had the best advice. Still does. He has survived cancer, raised a hellion of an eldest daughter, can be the sweetest guy in the world, or the meanest SOB you've ever met.

SO....as a parent...I know I am going to make a jillion mistakes. I am already to at least a million so a jillion may be setting it pretty low. I yell a lot, I have wiped Bowen's face with my spit covered finger, and threatened a spanking when he was already crying. (I didn't follow through though) I've also been known to serve popcorn and popsicles for dinner, let paint cover both of our bodies, and let him use an entire box of bandaids on his "boo-boo's" in one day. I hope one day when Bowen is older he remembers the ridiculous things we do and will do. I hope I can offer the advice I have been given, teach him how to throw a good punch, and always have a literary piece that fits every situation. I hope I can live up to my the good that my parents have done and don't repeat any other mistakes they have made. Aside from the few I already have.

And that is my insight for the night. I'm a mom, but I'm human. Really, I am just trying to figure out this whole parenting thing one day at a time. And, like most things I do, I have a couple of hiccups every now and then. But, as Bowen lays next to me sleeping peacefully, I realize that I'm not doing too bad. He is healthy, smart, and pretty damn sweet. And with any luck he will make it through his childhood and teenage years with minimal therapy and no criminal record.

Missed Life Lessons

Growing up my mom always made her and my dad's bed every day. I think she tried for like...a year..to get me and my brother to make our beds ever day, but she eventually gave up. Anyways, I always thought that being a grown up and a mom I would have a neat, well put together house, and my room would be clean and organized and my bed would be made every day with cute decorative pillows. Now I am a grown up and a mom...and shit could not be more opposite.

Let it be said that we don't live in filth. But our house is not ever completely clean..like no toys on the floor, everything dusted, bedrooms clean with beds made. Nope. That shit never happens. I never make the bed. Ever. Even when I wash the sheets and everything. I throw them on the bed, throw the comforter on, and call it good. Today was the first time in like a week and a half that Bowen's play area downstairs was picked up. And right this very minute, there is a large train track...half assembled...covering that very floor again. ((I did sweep during the 20 minutes it was clean)) And I'm looking at my dresser right now, with its drawers half closed with shirts and bras hanging out of it. (At least they are off the floor) So point is...I think there are much more important things to do (like play "catch" with Bowen and eat popsicles in the backyard) than worry about my house looking like a room in Better Homes and Gardens. (Not that I could ever "design" a room that looks that awesome. Not one of my skills)

My favorite thing about weekends is that we don't have to rush to get out of bed, we can all snuggle in bed and be lovey. This morning Jason and I woke up before Bowen (which I don't think is ok...if baby is sleeping then mommy should be able to sleep) and were quietly talking about how Bowen had slept on my pillow with me all night AND left a massive drool spot on the bed. Shortly after Bowen woke up and we were all talking and playing and watching cartoons when Jason made the remark that today he was going to make Mommy and Daddy's bed.

Bowen looked at Jason so completely confused and said, "Make it into what?"

Which of course made us start cracking up. I wish I could have taken a picture of his facial expression because it made it soooo much more hilarious.

So anyways...I realized it is kind of sad that my child doesn't know what it means to make the bed. Am I failing as a parent? Isn't this one of those things we are supposed to be teaching him? How can he know what all the words to "Like A G6" but not know what making the bed is?

Wait..wait..wait. That's right. I'm too busy teaching him that its not ok to constantly touch his penis even though it is HIS penis, that the word "shit" is ONLY used by grown ups, and that he can't bust my ass, only I can bust his ass. THESE are necessary and important life lessons...making a bed can wait until he can actually carry a sheet without tripping over it 45 times. Alright..I'm all good, at least for another few years.

Party in the Potty

Holy balls its been a minute since I've posted last. But I guess that is what happens when you get a promotion, have family in town, have birthdays to celebrate, and diets to cheat on. Oh life. It really SOUNDS a lot more interesting than it is...because it really isn't.

My sweet, sweet boy turned four. Trips me out that he is that old. But he recently told me, "Mommy..I'm your best friend and you're my homie" And that reminded me that I really don't have a baby anymore.

Another thing that reminded me that my son is definitely not a baby was a recent trip to go potty. Only in my life could things go so horribly wrong.

A week ago I was in a dr's office lobby and I knew that as soon as we got into the actual office he would need to pee. So I drug him into the bathroom with me. He peed, then I decided I had to pee. So I sit down. And he loudly says, "MOMMY!!! Are you going poop?!" and I said, "SHHH and no!!! I am just going pee!" He looks at me and says, "Well standing up means pee and sitting down means poop. You're sitting down....SooOOoo...that means poop." Once again, he was yelling this at me, but I replied with a calm, "But I'm a girl..I don't have a penis..so I have to sit down to pee." Then..slightly horrified he yells, "YOU DON'T HAVE A PENIS!?!?!?" Pretty sure the people in the building across the street heard this entire conversation. ((Really..why are all bathrooms so damn echoey?))

In reality we were in the bathroom less than 5 minutes, but it seemed like an eternity. And I had to walk out into the lobby filled with people giggling and smiling. And because of this I felt like I had to clear some things up to these 5 strangers and said, "Just for the record..I did not poop and I definitely do not have a penis."

Which made the group erupt into laughter.

Maybe I should get out of the travel coordinator business and try being a comedian. I have plenty of embarrassing moments (like everyday) that entertain people. Watch out Kathy Griffin..I am going to take over.

Bowen Is A Big Boy

Tuesday, June 14th, at 10:12 am central time...my beautiful little boy turned four years old. FOUR! Ok...first of all..this makes me feel old. Second of all...where the fuck did time go? And thirdly...thank Jesus he doesn't expect a big party and whatnot.

It literally seems like yesterday that I was huge pregnant and crying at the gyno's office because he wouldn't sweep my membranes and get the kid out of my body. ((not what you were expecting?)) I can't believe it has been 4 years since I held him for the first time and bawled when the hospital did his pku tests. I can't believe I have been a ma..mom..mama..and mommy for four whole years. I can't believe he is alive and healthy after four years in my care!! ((just kidding...I actually never doubted myself in this area))

Bowen and I have a seriously tight bond. He was my little miracle baby and we have been through a lot of shit together. We are SO much alike and, at times, he really grates on my nerves...but he is the only thing that gets me through life. Bowen is my little angel on Earth..and though he seriously tests my patience...I absolutely cannot imagine not having him in my life.

I have heard that there is no bond like the bond between a mother and her child and I never fully understood it until I knew I was having him. And now I understand why moms can lift cars off of their children who are trapped underneath them and kill people who do harm to their kid. Bowen has made suuuuch a huge impact on my life (and not just financially) and I hope one day he feels the same about me.

I don't want to get too mushy and out of control...but my baby isn't really a baby anymore. And though I am so excited to see what the next year brings and watch him continue to grow and learn and develop...I am also a little sad that sooner rather than later, I will just be an annoying mom who doesn't get smoochers and snuggles. So for the time being I am going to smother him in snuggles and smoochers and relish every sweet second. Because I don't have a baby anymore, I have a big, four year old boy!

Boys Will Be Boys

Raising a boy is weird and gross and awkward and awesome..all at the same time. I don't think there is a day when I haven't gone to bed and thought, "Did that really happen?" or "Did he really say that?" Some times..ok a lot of times...I wish for one day where something ridiculous didn't happen. But in all reality, it keeps things interesting and I wouldn't have it any other way.

A couple weeks ago Bowen and I went to Jason's soccer game. Bowen and I were sitting in our chairs, soaking up some vitamin D, when he says..loudly.."Hey mommy...I have a penis, he has a penis, he has a penis, he has a penis, he has a penis.." While pointing to all the players on the field. I said, "Bowen do not say penis again. IF you say penis again I am going to take you home." (empty threat...I know...never a good idea) He looks at me. Looks at the field. Looks back at me (with a glimmer in his eye) and says, "PENIS!"

Bowen told me a couple of days ago that he would always be my baby. Of course, melted my heart. And I gave him a big squeeze and some smooches. Then he asked for a popsicle. I should have known that he was just buttering me up for something. I told him no and he replied, "I'm not your baby anymore!" And then, "And I'm not your fwiend anymore eider!" If I didn't truly believe that parents should not be friends with their kids, my heart would be broken. BUT since I do believe this..I am just fine with it...and 100% sure I will hear it a million more times.

And then there was yesterday....Now..let it be known, I have the gassiest child known to man. He wakes up in the morning, lets one rip. He climbs into the car, one "accidentally" pops out. He moves, he farts. It is really a sad situation. So yesterday, I was standing in the kitchen and I made him pick his toy up off the floor. And he farts. So he smiles this HUGE smile and says, "MOMMY!!! My toot just said HI to you!" Glad something likes me.

I thought about getting into the PHYSICALLY disgusting things boys do...I mean they have a small thingy with a HUGE hole to aim into, yet there is ALWAYS pee on the toilet. WTF?! But that is just too much to get into in one day. So here is your nugget..of boy raising nastiness.

The Not So Happy Blog

Voltaire said, "Tears are the silent language of grief." I have to agree. Because this weekend had started with so much joy and hope...and ended with tears. And all these tears say all the words that I want to...but can't.

I like my blog to be cheery and funny and silly. I like to think that life is short so we shouldn't take things too seriously. But sometimes bad things happen and things aren't always funny or cheery. And I am pissed and sad and a mess.

For the past month I have been telling Jason and a small few that I am pregnant. I didn't have the test in hand proving it...but I knew. I KNEW. I've had a baby before. I have been pregnant before. I knew. I was sick, had headaches, intense sense of smell, exhausted, constipated, bloated..the whole shebang. What I didn't have was a positive test. They kept coming up negative. This did not help my case with Jason. But I am telling you...I knew. And Saturday I had the proof. I had the test proving that I wasn't going crazy.

Jason knew that when I found out I was pregnant with Bowen, my ex husband was at his MOS school for the Marine Corps. Bowen was planned so he was waiting to hear the news. I wrote him this little poem and texted him, and then sent him a pic text of the test. Anyways..I thought it was cute and special and I wanted all of that and more for Jason. He, of all people, deserved it. Anyways I took the test before softball practice..looked at it an hour later and there it was. So I raced to Walgreens and grabbed a balloon that said 'OMG CONGRATS' and a couple of gift tags that were pink and blue and said baby, and two pacifiers. I told Jason to meet me at home and taped all this shit to the front door.

So he pulls in and sees the door and is speechless. Like totally..didn't know what to say or do...he unloaded the back of the truck. (Because we were moving for a week) Anyways..I had been excited for a month. And he got excited. And suddenly everything felt right with the world. I was so happy and was happy to have the sickness and bloating and get fat and feel kicks. So we called his family and told them and a couple of close friends.

That night Jason decided I needed to take another test just to take it. It pissed me off..not going to lie. We had an appointment on Thursday and would be doing a blood test and exam so it would be like 180% for sure proof. I felt like I showed him the proof..what else did he need? But he kept insisting. So Sunday morning I took a test and it came back negative. And I was pissed. I have to tell you..I was already worried bc all my tests were coming back negative. I didn't have that issue with Bowen. And now all these worries swarmed me. Jason and I broke in the new house with an argument that morning. I was pissed at him for pushing it. I was pissed that it came back negative. I was scared. And finally..it dawned on me that the reason why I didn't want to take the test was because I was scared of the results. And they came back with my fear.

Later that day I started spotting. Of course I freaked out. I called two friends who were nurses and they both assured me that it was common (which I knew) and that the fact that I didn't have cramps was a good sign. I was still worried so Jason was googling it over and over again. Of course the word miscarriage came up a few times. NOT a good thing to hear. But I decided to go to bed, call the dr in the morning, and pray for the best.

Monday morning I knew it wasn't ok. I was bleeding a lot and freaking out. Jason and I dropped Bowen off at school and then went to the dr office. I walked in, told them the situation, and immediately got in. My urine test came back negative..again. They did a blood test and got us in the ultrasound room. I immediately started bawling. I was scared shitless.

Anyways...the doctor told us I was having a miscarriage. And that it was common. And that it was mother nature's way of taking care of something that wasn't forming right. And that we can try again in 3-4 months. (but we weren't trying to begin with) And blah, fucking blah. Not helping. So the dr and Jason leave so I can get dressed and I cried.

I lost my baby.

Monday sucked. I mean I was obviously sad. I felt like my body betrayed me. I felt like being a mom and making babies is what I do, I am good at it. And now...I wasn't. I had let my family down and Jason down. I felt like this was my fault. Somehow I caused it. I was the one who should have been protecting my unborn child and it died. It was really, really hard.

And Tuesday rolled around and I was fine. I was seriously fine. Until right before bed. I saw pictures of a pregnant girl, ready to pop, and I was sad. I should be looking forward to that. I should be reading 'What To Expect When You're Expecting' again. I should be puking and happy because I was puking. I should be shopping at Motherhood Maternity and Pea In A Pod. But I'm not.

So today was awful. I cried in the shower before work. I managed to make it through the day and say what everyone expects you to say..that it is ok, it wasn't meant to be, that God has another plan, that I can try again. And with a sad smile. And I did it. I did it ALL day long.

But the day is over. And I am at home and I can finally say what I feel and want to say. So I am going to do it.

I know that people say shit that doesn't help..that doesn't do any fucking good..because they don't know what else to say. I know that. But let me tell you, it is bullshit to hear that you can try again, that you will get pregnant again, that something was wrong and it was for the best, or that God has a plan. Can you guarantee this? Can you tell me FOR SURE that this won't happen again? That I will DEFINITELY have another baby? I didn't think so. So no..that does not make me feel better. And I don't give a damn if something wasn't forming right...that does NOT help. If this baby had been born with two heads, one eye ball, and four ears, I would have loved it. I would have loved that baby as much as I love Bowen. And obviously Jason and I will try again. We are human..we like sex..and eventually we will want to try for a baby. So thanks for the permission. And no..that did not make me feel better. And I believe in a higher power. I believe in God. But at this moment...God's not on my good side.

This is what I know. I feel like I lost Bowen. I know what it is like to be pregnant and feel all those amazing things that makes it wonderful to be a mom. I know what feeling you get the first time you see your baby, the first time you hold it in your arms. I know that intense feeling of love that you can't describe to anyone. And I had all of that. I could picture that. I am telling you that I KNEW I was pregnant. And I loved that baby...negative test or not. I knew it. And it was taken from me. I feel like Bowen, my baby that I snuggle every night, has been taken from me. So I am grieving just like that.

So I appreciate all of the "I'm sorry"s and kind words and even the stupid things people say, like you can try again. I do appreciate it. Thank you for caring. It means a lot. BUT in case you ever have to tell someone again, just an "I am sorry" and "that is so shitty" and "if there is anything I can do for you let me know" is all you should say. Because the other stuff is just air. It doesn't help. It is the same as if you lost your own child. You would appreciate the fact that everyone cared and was concerned...but nothing would help.

Anyways..so there it is. There is the depressing, pissed off, and mess of my life right now. And I think I am in the pissed off stage of grief, so I am venting. It is not fair. I hate that I spent a month being sick and tired and trying to convince people of something and I have nothing to show for it. I hate that I was close..I was having another baby...and it was taken from me. It was stolen from me. And it is bullshit.

I hate to sound like, poor pitiful me, because I can't imagine having a miscarriage at 15 weeks or 6 months...or anything. It is awful. And my heart goes out to anyone who has had to deal with that. My heart aches for any parent who has lost a child. No parent should ever live to see a child pass away..whether they are in your uterus or out. It isn't fair. It is shitty. But here is my moment. I am sad. I am mad. And some day I will be fine. Some day I will move past this and it will just be another sad memory and something that happened. Maybe even something that made me stronger. But for today, it is shitty and I hate it. I hate every last bit of it.

Saving The Best For Last

When I was growing up I was really into the Thundercats and The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Cool cartoons. Legendary cartoons. None of this Barney and Chuggington bullshit. I, of course, have a child who loves one of the shittiest cartoons ever. I am talking about Thomas the Tank Engine. WHY? WHY does he love this British cartoon? I mean who says "cheeky" and "bust my boilers"? Thomas..that is who. Anyways..he is slightly obsessed. And because I am an awesome mom I took him to A Day Out With Thomas like 2 years ago, back when I was single momming it. It was awful. So we skipped last year..but this year...I decided to give it another go. But this time..all Bowen knew was that we were going to California (bc lately he is obsessed with California)...not about Thomas.

So Friday I woke up sick. Sick enough to get sent home from work. I went to the dr that day and basically they did nothing for me. Jason suggested that I stay home and he would take Bowen to California to spend the day with Thomas. But this was a memory that I just couldn't miss. So I packed up a billion kleenex, some allergy medicine, tylenol, and grouchily got in the car.

We head out on our trip..where yelling (from me..I will admit it) immediately began. We had been driving for maybe 20 minutes when I said, "Oh F*&$!!!! I forgot the tickets!!!!" Because to ride Thomas you have to have tickets. So...we turned back around.

After we were seriously on the road we drove and drove and drove. Stopped at the infamous Peggy Sue's Diner. Let me just say...Peggy Sue has probably seen better days. It was disgusting. And disgusting is probably an understatement. Jason and I split the french dip and it was awful. I swear the meat had to be like a week old. Bowen wouldn't even touch his chicken nuggets. And the whole place made me feel like I needed a really hot shower. So...20 wasted bucks later we were back on the road.

We made it to our very nice hotel with an almost ran stop sign, me yelling a few times, and Jason getting confused by the GPS about 3 times. BUT we were alive.

Saturday morning, Bowen woke up at the ass crack of dawn asking if we were in California. I felt like death warmed over and tried to snooze a little longer. Once I was finally awake we went to breakfast and then headed to our final destination of Fillmore, CA. I don't know which town we slept in...all I know is that we stayed at the Hyatt and it was super duper nice.

On the way into Fillmore we had to stop at a train crossing and that is where Bowen found out his surprise. I saw that Thomas was on the back of the train so I told Bowen to look out the window and watch the train. And then he saw him! And his eyes lit up and he was SOO excited. It was totally worth the 6 hour drive while being sick.

We rode Thomas, colored some Thomas pictures, stamped with some Thomas stamps. Jason and Bowen went through the Thomas maze. And after about an hour and a half..we decided it was time to go home. ((Yes..we drove 6 hours for an hour and a half of 3 yr old bliss. MOM OF THE YEAR right here..))

Anyways...Poor Jason had to put up with a super cranky Sarah. And Bowen was cooped up in the car. But it was a good time. And a memory was made. And we all made it out alive. But the best part of the whoooole trip was when I threatened to bust Bowen's ass (don't remember why) and he replied with, "IF you bust my ass, I'm gonna bust your ass!!!"

I'm just glad we are on the same page now.