The Inner Calm

Someone told me that 25 was the age where you really figure yourself out and what you want out of life. I always thought I was ahead of the game..had things more figured out than people my age...and in some ways I did. This year has been one of those years where I look back and say, "DAMN!"

For the first time in a really long time I finally feel at peace. Like things are going to be ok and I am finally happy. I don't have a lot of money, I have some seriously rough days, and there are nights where tears cover my cheeks before I fall asleep, but I know I am going to be ok. And it is the first time I can actually say this.

I have decided to let it all go. I can't control the future or what people are going to do, I can just control how I react. Now I'm not saying I will always react in the correct way or that I am suddenly perfect, but I think this is the first step to my life falling into place.

I am still figuring out how to handle Bowen handling the break up. It is getting easier..well maybe not easier, but more normal (which is sad), to have to handle the "Where is my Daddy?", or "You're mean because you won't let my Daddy stay here!", and my personal fav, "I want my Daddy not you!". It sucks...it breaks my heart...but Bowen is going to be ok. Right now I know he is sad, but all I can do is be there for him. All I can do is be the best mom I know how to be and hope that he understands when he is older why I did what I did and be ok with it. ((Honestly, he doesn't have a choice, he is gonna have to suck it up and deal with his mom not being Suzy Homemaker! lol))

And as far as no money goes...story of my life. lol Bowen doesn't really eat that much (damn picky kid) so that helps with the grocery bill. My new car gets better gas mileage than the old mommy mobile, so if gas prices would go down, I'd be good to go. I'm paying my bills, I've got a roof over our heads, and a job.

Speaking of jobs, my job is awesome. I am so blessed to work for such an awesome company and work with such a great group of people. If I didn't work with the team I do, I don't know if I'd have made it through the last few months. And not only that, but the guys we work with are (for the most part) so sweet. I mean, they honestly make your day worth while. Not only that, but it has seriously increased my problem solving skills. Because that is what we do. I book flights and travel, send off hotel information when needed. But what we really wait for is the problem, and then we jump on the problem and solve it. A guy misses his flights, you have to fix it, get him on the next available flight, make sure he gets his ass on that flight, tell the guy's picking him up from the airport, etc etc... It has really helped me with this whole only being able to decide how to react type of thing. ((Of course my reactions may include some yelling and cussing...on the home front or job front..but decisions are made!!))

A few people have asked if I am thinking about dating. And I did...for like a day...even started an eHarmony profile (but then I saw how expensive that shit was, saw the $6 in my account and stopped lol) However, I just quit thinking about it. I have thought I found "the one" twice. That shit bombed twice. And now that the last one is affecting my kiddo, I am obviously only thinking about that. I waited quite a while before introducing Jason and Bowen and I think I did and continue to do everything with Bowen's best interests in mind. However, I am just not ready to get involved with someone and have to think about how it would affect Bowen. Not only that, but it is SO nice to just have to worry about Bowen and I. I don't want to have to wonder if the guy I am dating is talking to another girl, cheating on me, if I am being bitchy to him, if I need to spend a Saturday with him instead of on the couch doing arts and crafts, etc etc. Dating is drama and I just don't have the extra energy to deal with that right now. So maybe a few months or a year from now I will want to date, but right now not so much. I mean...eventually it is bound to happen...I want to get laid before I am 26 ya know. lol

So...that in a nutshell...is my life as of now. ((Why do I feel like I just jinxed myself???)) I know there will be shitty days and probably a bill I can't afford coming soon ((ughh medical tests always end up fucking me)), but is what it is. I can only take it one day at a time. And annoy Bowen with lots of kisses in the mean time. And that is what I plan on doing.