The Balancing Act

Balance. That is what I need to find. However...literally and figuratively...I cannot find my balance.

I've basically been a single mom most of Bowen's life. When Jason and I moved in together was the first time I really had a partner and someone to help me raise my kid. I had a year and a half of help...and now I'm back to doing it on my own.

When my ex-husband and I separated I went home to mama. And she was an amazing help. Even when I (finally) moved out of her house and got my own place, I always had her help. She picked Bowen up from school and watched him when I worked my second job on Saturday's. If I wanted to go out one night I had a babysitter. And for those rare weekends away when Jason and I were dating, I was totally comfortable and happy leaving Bowen with his Nana. Plus if I was having a bad day she was ALWAYS there. I always had someone to hang with on the weekends if I was bored and she was always down for a Lifetime movie marathon on Sunday.

Now...I have none of these things. Ok..well I have Jason picking Bowen up on Tuesday's and Thursday's until 8pm. ((which is a really big help, don't get me wrong. Without that, I wouldn't be able to make my 40 hours for work most weeks)) Needless to say...I am running a little ragged. (Because on top of the madness of single motherhood, I do believe I am having issues with my thyroid..which is making things even worse)

So...how do mom's figure it all out? How do you start to date? How do you even find a guy to date?! How do you handle work and motherhood? And does it ever get easier? ((Actually...at the end of the day I don't even know if I can handle dating because I feel like life keeps attacking me.))

Let's just talk about today...I had to go to the grocery store and was SO tired. (piece of shit thyroid...or my body is falling apart..either way) So we go to walmart aka hell and finally get home. Bowen is sitting down eating and I am dragging a bajillion bags of groceries into the house. And during all my hard work Bowen is going on and on about wanting a movie on the big tv. I turn around and am telling him he needs to be patient, that I am busy and literally slide three feet on a fucking block and bust my ass on the hard wood floor. (Balance would have come in handy right then) So it gets really quiet as my huge ass hits the floor and Bowen says, "You should pick that block up, not step on it." And crunches into another chip. All I could do was laugh. HE did pick that block (and 739 other toys) up later...but it was just one of those laugh or cry moments.

A little bit later we tried to bake some sugar cookies. I made the cookies as directed..but the damn things were SO sticky. So I put them in the fridge. The WHOLE ten minutes they were in the fridge (Should have been longer but I was losing my cool) Bowen asked when they would be ready and can he use the pumpkin cookie cutter. Literally, "Mom, are the cookies ready?" Thirty five seconds pass. "Little Mama I want to use the pumpkin cookie. Can I use the pumpkin cookie?" Thirty five seconds after that..."Mama...Mommy...I think the cookies are done. Are the cookies done?" I got lucky and 45 seconds passed, "Little Mama...so I'm going to use the pumpkin cookie cutter. And I think the cookies are cold now." ANYWAYS...we get the cookies made. It was a long, hard process. But they were made. And he likes them. (I'm not such a fan..but I'm not eating them so it's all good)

Later I'm on the phone with a friend. (The first adult convo I have had in 24 hours) I am chatting away about her kid and her ex and Bowen suddenly decides he needs to show me a block. (probably the one that broke my tailbone earlier) And then he wanted to talk about Beauty and the Beast. And then he interrupted to tell me he wanted to talk to me. I was like DAMN!!!! I have been with the kid for 48 hours straight..it has been me and him...all my attention on him...and I want 10 minutes and he can't hang.

So needless to say this mom is enjoying her hour alone, with her freshly painted nails, and reality tv on. Even on the worst of days, days 42 times worse than today, I can look back and see how blessed and lucky I am. Right now I can pay all my bills. (Barely..but they are getting paid) We have food in the cabinets and I'm able to eat. (My Dad knows what I'm talking about) I have a car, a job, a roof over my head, and the best child in the world. Every night I go to my room and look in my bed and see the sweetest angel in the world laying on my pillow. ((That drool spot kind of kills the moment, until I remember that I can flip the pillow over.)) Bowen is my calm in the storm. He is the reason I keep going. And even though he tests my patience and gave me stretch marks and drains my bank account...I cannot imagine where and what I would be without him. But in the mean time...I need some balance. Some peace of mind. A little cash wouldn't hurt either. And some energy. Does anyone have any of these things to spare?