Listen! I know what I am talking about!!!

Since becoming a mom I have received the best education ever. Unfortunately, instead of reading books and studying, everything I have learned has been done the hard way. For example, you should never ever ever ever, under any circumstances, ever take castor oil in order to go into labor. You will probably not go into labor...and you will hate life and be miserable..without any nice results (like a new bundle of joy). I have so many friends and family members that are having babies right now which has inspired this latest and greatest post. Below is my advice, my lessons learned, and my quick tips on being a parent.

*********DRUM ROLL PLEASE**********

**At some point everyone thinks that they are a bad parent. Mine began in the hospital. And continues almost daily. In the hospital my lovely little precious baby pooped. Which was good because I wanted to get the hell out of there. Unfortunately it was 4 am and our room was dark and that first poop is sort of like glue. So I missed the tiniest of specks. (NOT a big deal) So the nurse came in and took him away from me to weigh him for the 6 bajillionth time or somehting and like 20 minutes later came in with my burrito baby (what I call a swaddled baby) charging at me like a rhinocerous let loose. She showed me the speck of poo. (seriously...it was tiny) And then proceeded to tell me how horrible it is that I did not clean him properly, that these are things I MUST know before leaving, and how I can't be neglectful even if I am tired. So my first day as a mom I was neglecting my child!!! Dude...I had JUST squeezed this kid out..I was tired..and emotional...I cried. Now I look back on this and think about how I should have snatched the stupid wipe out of that ho-bag's hand while she demonstrated how to wipe my kids ass and told her off. OBVIOUSLY the kid lived. He is fine..he doesn't remember this and I am sure there have been other days when his ass needed wiped a little better, but hey..we live and learn (and sometimes buy Luvs) and get through it. Seriously...every parent feels bad about their parenting at some point. Our kids make it through it. Bowen's ass was just fine even though there was a speck of crap on it, he doesn't remember me overfeeding him when he really needed a paci, and he loves me even after he gets a spanking. You are a good parent. Chill out.

**Once you are pregnant you slowly begin to lose sleep. I think it is the body's way of preparing you for the numerous sleepness nights you will be getting for ATLEAST (more than likely plenty more) 18 years. Once baby is born I suggest that you nap when baby naps. Seriously. DO IT! I LOOOVE nap time. I love nap time more than Bowen loves Thomas..and that is a lot. After I had Bowen I used to think that I needed to stay up and do dishes or laundry or shower while he napped. Wtf was I thinking? I am still kicking myself in the ass for not sleeping when he did. Seriously..this laundry can probably wait a few more hours. (and you will learn to juggle baby and laundry and cleaning and cooking ALL at the same time soon enough) And the dishes will still be there. Enjoy the sleep! Because in about three years you will be begging, pleading, and offering lots of money for the kid to take a nap so you can nap.

**It is all a learning experience. Seriously you can read ALL the books you want and you are still going to have to figure out what works best for you. (Watson is a firm believer in books..he and I disagree on all books and whether they are helpful or not) The minute I saw the positive sign on a stick I had to pee on I went out and bought books on being pregnant...what to expect, funny books, pregnancy for dummies...you name it, I had it. And it did not help that much. Sure it was nice to know what a mucous plug was and what my alien looked like at every stage of the pregnancy. But it did not REALLY tell me what a Braxton-Hicks contraction was. (which means I went to the hospital a FEW more times than necessary) And it most certainly did not help me out when I was having massive contractions that were lasting 15 minutes. So..I am just saying...read all the books you want, but dear God please do not put too much stock into them. You can read The No Cry Sleep Solution 118 times and try it and it still may not work. (take it from me) Parenting is all about seeing and deciding what works for you and your kid. Dr. Spock is not living with you and does not know how you work and how sweet angel baby works...so I take his advice (and any other authors...this includes me) with a grain of salt...and sometimes a shot of tequila.

**It is definitely OK to ask for help. I am the world's worst ever at this. When Bo was born the ex was still my hubby and he was in Iraq. I was staying with my mom and stepdad, but I really felt like I need to do it ALL on my own. I was up for every single feeding. I was NOT napping when he was sleeping, I was trying to do everything all by myself. This led to me being really sick a week later. My mom said she knew something was wrong when I asked her to take care of the baby and then went to lay down. The fact of the matter is, being a parent is hard. And you are supposed to have a partner in it. BUT that doesn't always happen...story of my life. I think at some point you have to remember this and ask for a little help. I had my mom pick Bowen up from daycare when I was single so I didn't end up paying extra because I couldn't get there on time. This little thing made life SO much easier. I didn't have to worry if I got stuck in traffic and I didn't have to worry about the extra money. (Plus it allowed for a little down time on the way home) Ask for help. Ask someone to throw a load of laundry in the washer, ask someone to help with the dishes. ASK or it will never happen. Watson has reminded me that he is NOT a psychic...so I learned...ask or it won't happen...atleast in the fashion or time frame you think it should.

**Another thing moms (and dads) sometimes forget to do is take a little time for yourself. When I was married every thing revolved around Bowen and my man. EVERYTHING. I mean I woke up an hour before everyone else so I could get showered and ready, pack Bowen's bag, cook breakfast, wake the husband up, get Bowen ready..and get us all out the door in time for work. Seriously...wtf was I doing? NOW that shit doesn't happen...Watson can tell you. Anyways, I never spent money on me (not for new panties or make up or a nail polish). Then I left the husband and was single momming it and it got even worse!! I had a low paying job and lots of bills (lawyers and diapers ain't cheap) and every little bit I had went to Bowen. This led to me breaking down and becoming even more depressed than I already was and feeling a little pissy towards my child. (They drain you!!) So now I don't feel bad if I get a pedicure once in a while, or I buy a new shirt (granted everything I buy is on sale). Sometimes you need a break. Seriously..going to the grocery store ALONE is a break for me. Whatever you need to do..do it. You can't be a good parent unless you take care of you too!!

So the list could go on and on and on and on. And I could add to it daily. But for the sake of boring you to death I will leave it at this for now. Congrats to all my new parent friends! I am jealous and would LOVE to be sporting the baby belly again..but Watson wants to wait until we are married or some shit! (so conventional!) And get ready for the best (and sometimes worst) times of your lives. At the end of the day, look at your sleeping kiddos and be thankful, because not everyone can be blessed with them! And some day (when they are MUUUCH older) they will be thankful for you. (maybe...not making promises..I don't need that added to the already HUGE amount of mommy guilt)