As I have mentioned before I am divorced. Which is a VERY good thing. And as much as I know..and tell myself every single day..that it is better for Bo-Neener this way, it still makes me worry about him. I am a child of divorce too. And it was rough. When I was married to the doucher, we always said we would never get divorced because we knew how shitty it was to grow up in a split family. And here we are...4 years after the days we said "I do"...divorced.
Atleast once a month I go through this omg-wtf-did I do to my poor baby thing and omg-I ruined his life and failed as a mom. And it always makes me sad and upset. And I have a feeling, not a whole lot is going to change over the years. But this weekend, Watson is gone...and Bowen was going through our apartment and pointing at all of our pictures and saying, "Mommy" when it was me, "Bowen" when it was him, and "Daddy" when it was Jason. Now we don't refer to Jason as Daddy..we just let Bowen call him whatever..which is usually Daysin. But Daddy has been coming out more and more lately. And really Jason is Bowen's daddy. He is the only male influence Bowen really has and Jason is really a dad. So I am telling Jason this and thinking "aww how sweet" and then Jason brings up how confusing it is going to be for Bo Neenee when the ex decides to come around and starts referring to himself as "daddy" and Bowen thinks Jason is daddy. Thanks for ruining my moment J. But he is right. And I of course said, yep..its going to be hard...but what can we do? And we have no idea when..or if ever...the ex will decide to come around on a regular basis. Easy to sound so strong and sure everything will be ok. So we ended the conversation, but of course, it didn't just go away for me.
How my divorce will affect Bowen has always worried me. ALWAYS. When my parents divorced I was like 3 or 4. So you would think I would think it was just normal or whatever. But up until I was like 12, every time I blew out the candles on my birthday cake, I wished for my parents to get back together. And since I had divorced parents, that is atleast 2 cakes a year...and lots of birthday wishes. Now..as an adult...I am glad they never did. I have an awesome stepmom, and a little brother and sister that I wouldn't have if they had gotten back together. And I definitely think it has made me a stronger person. But let me tell you..as a kid, it was rough. Every summer I was at my moms..which was a blast..but you go through the anxiety of leaving your normal life and your dad and stepmom and siblings, to going to your moms where everything else is different. And then 8 weeks later you switch again. And of course when you are a little kid your friends don't understand why you are leaving every other holiday or can't go hang out with them at the summer or why your mom doesn't live with you. Or never really knowing what happened because your parents have two different stories and you love them both SO much you don't know what to believe. And then there is the big one. No matter how many times your parents, counselor, friends, family...tell you that it is not your fault your parents got a divorce..at some point you think it was. Or you wonder if your other parent doesn't want you. Now remember..you are a kid..so this is your thought process. And now..as an adult..I see that no matter what the reason, their divorce was probably for the better. And it wasn't my fault. And there were definitely benefits of having divorced parents! (hello multiple birthdays and Christmases and Easters)
As a mommy...I am worried. I know how my ex's dad was...and he did the exact same, shitty thing the ex is now doing. Coming around once every 6 months or so and then hanging around for a day and leaving. Never being consistent with phone calls...never doing anything to maintain a relationship with his kid. It is so upsetting for me. In fact he was supposed to get his 42 days summer visitation this year and when he said he was going to take Bowen, I had a heart attack and anxiety attack and mental breakdown all at once. Bowen has always been with me. The only person he has been with overnight was my mom..and the most it was was 5 nights..and that was pushing it. And the ex knows NOTHING about my baby and what he wants or needs or does. So needless to say I called my lawyer and am still working on changing our visitation. But..really it is inevitable. Bowen will eventually feel some of the things I did as a kid. And since I am his mom..I never want him to hurt a day in his life.
Jason and I have gone through this a lot since we moved in together. So about 6 times in the last 6 months. And he always is so understanding and sweet and says that we will figure it out and Bowen will be ok. We just have to do our best to let him know we love him and yadda yadda yadda. Duh! OBVIOUSLY! Poor guy..he really tries. But, his parents aren't divorced. So he doesn't know. I do give him TONS of credit for all his support though. And for listening to me cry and yell and be pissed and upset and worried. But the question still remains...can you make your baby NOT feel like that? I mean I am 100% sure his dad will tell him a totally different story about what happened between us. And why he just couldn't come see him more. So there is bound to be some confusion, anger, tears..and that is what makes me sad.
I wish I had a crystal ball so I could be prepared..and prepare Bowen as much as possible for what is going to happen. I wish I could make it to where he never ever hurts a second of his life because of the divorce. But I am sure that it will happen. And it sucks. Bowen is the biggest blessing of my life. I can't imagine my life without him. And I might have missed out on the college experience and lots of nights out and not having a care in the world...but I wouldn't trade being his mommy for anything. I would rather change poopy diapers and watch cartoons and listen to whining ALL DAY LONG than go out at night and not have a sweet boy to come home to. And this is why I wish and pray every day that he doesn't have to go through those shitty times when it comes to the divorce.
I know that everything will be ok in the end. I know that. I went through all the things I worry about for Bowen and I am just fine and dandy. This is just my monthly, failing as a parent, worry. I think all parents want their kids to have the things they didn't and to miss out on the bad things they did go through...so this is just me doing that. And I hope that Bowen feels like I do when is grown and is happy his parents did what they did and realizes that he is loved.
So I vented...and feel a little better. I am sure an upbeat, happy, funny, post will be up today to follow this depressing one. Just had to vent for a second. Hey even bad ass mommy's like me are allowed a pity party ever once in a while.
Atleast once a month I go through this omg-wtf-did I do to my poor baby thing and omg-I ruined his life and failed as a mom. And it always makes me sad and upset. And I have a feeling, not a whole lot is going to change over the years. But this weekend, Watson is gone...and Bowen was going through our apartment and pointing at all of our pictures and saying, "Mommy" when it was me, "Bowen" when it was him, and "Daddy" when it was Jason. Now we don't refer to Jason as Daddy..we just let Bowen call him whatever..which is usually Daysin. But Daddy has been coming out more and more lately. And really Jason is Bowen's daddy. He is the only male influence Bowen really has and Jason is really a dad. So I am telling Jason this and thinking "aww how sweet" and then Jason brings up how confusing it is going to be for Bo Neenee when the ex decides to come around and starts referring to himself as "daddy" and Bowen thinks Jason is daddy. Thanks for ruining my moment J. But he is right. And I of course said, yep..its going to be hard...but what can we do? And we have no idea when..or if ever...the ex will decide to come around on a regular basis. Easy to sound so strong and sure everything will be ok. So we ended the conversation, but of course, it didn't just go away for me.
How my divorce will affect Bowen has always worried me. ALWAYS. When my parents divorced I was like 3 or 4. So you would think I would think it was just normal or whatever. But up until I was like 12, every time I blew out the candles on my birthday cake, I wished for my parents to get back together. And since I had divorced parents, that is atleast 2 cakes a year...and lots of birthday wishes. Now..as an adult...I am glad they never did. I have an awesome stepmom, and a little brother and sister that I wouldn't have if they had gotten back together. And I definitely think it has made me a stronger person. But let me tell you..as a kid, it was rough. Every summer I was at my moms..which was a blast..but you go through the anxiety of leaving your normal life and your dad and stepmom and siblings, to going to your moms where everything else is different. And then 8 weeks later you switch again. And of course when you are a little kid your friends don't understand why you are leaving every other holiday or can't go hang out with them at the summer or why your mom doesn't live with you. Or never really knowing what happened because your parents have two different stories and you love them both SO much you don't know what to believe. And then there is the big one. No matter how many times your parents, counselor, friends, family...tell you that it is not your fault your parents got a divorce..at some point you think it was. Or you wonder if your other parent doesn't want you. Now remember..you are a kid..so this is your thought process. And now..as an adult..I see that no matter what the reason, their divorce was probably for the better. And it wasn't my fault. And there were definitely benefits of having divorced parents! (hello multiple birthdays and Christmases and Easters)
As a mommy...I am worried. I know how my ex's dad was...and he did the exact same, shitty thing the ex is now doing. Coming around once every 6 months or so and then hanging around for a day and leaving. Never being consistent with phone calls...never doing anything to maintain a relationship with his kid. It is so upsetting for me. In fact he was supposed to get his 42 days summer visitation this year and when he said he was going to take Bowen, I had a heart attack and anxiety attack and mental breakdown all at once. Bowen has always been with me. The only person he has been with overnight was my mom..and the most it was was 5 nights..and that was pushing it. And the ex knows NOTHING about my baby and what he wants or needs or does. So needless to say I called my lawyer and am still working on changing our visitation. But..really it is inevitable. Bowen will eventually feel some of the things I did as a kid. And since I am his mom..I never want him to hurt a day in his life.
Jason and I have gone through this a lot since we moved in together. So about 6 times in the last 6 months. And he always is so understanding and sweet and says that we will figure it out and Bowen will be ok. We just have to do our best to let him know we love him and yadda yadda yadda. Duh! OBVIOUSLY! Poor guy..he really tries. But, his parents aren't divorced. So he doesn't know. I do give him TONS of credit for all his support though. And for listening to me cry and yell and be pissed and upset and worried. But the question still remains...can you make your baby NOT feel like that? I mean I am 100% sure his dad will tell him a totally different story about what happened between us. And why he just couldn't come see him more. So there is bound to be some confusion, anger, tears..and that is what makes me sad.
I wish I had a crystal ball so I could be prepared..and prepare Bowen as much as possible for what is going to happen. I wish I could make it to where he never ever hurts a second of his life because of the divorce. But I am sure that it will happen. And it sucks. Bowen is the biggest blessing of my life. I can't imagine my life without him. And I might have missed out on the college experience and lots of nights out and not having a care in the world...but I wouldn't trade being his mommy for anything. I would rather change poopy diapers and watch cartoons and listen to whining ALL DAY LONG than go out at night and not have a sweet boy to come home to. And this is why I wish and pray every day that he doesn't have to go through those shitty times when it comes to the divorce.
I know that everything will be ok in the end. I know that. I went through all the things I worry about for Bowen and I am just fine and dandy. This is just my monthly, failing as a parent, worry. I think all parents want their kids to have the things they didn't and to miss out on the bad things they did go through...so this is just me doing that. And I hope that Bowen feels like I do when is grown and is happy his parents did what they did and realizes that he is loved.
So I vented...and feel a little better. I am sure an upbeat, happy, funny, post will be up today to follow this depressing one. Just had to vent for a second. Hey even bad ass mommy's like me are allowed a pity party ever once in a while.
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