LYING Is Bad...You EVIL EVIL People

To all those parents who told me the "terrible twos" were the worst time ever. Ya'll lied! ALL OF YOU ARE LIARS!! And I hate you all. (kidding..sorta) Let me tell you...the two's ain't got shit on the three's. Seriously. EFF THE THREES!!!

Don't get me wrong...Bowen's two's did start out a little rocky. He threw his fair share of temper tantrums and had melt downs at very inopportune times..like the grocery store or the middle of a casino. BUT...really..they are nothing compared to what we are dealing with now.

Last night..for example...Bowen didn't want to take a bath. So Jason threatened to take away something and that didn't work and then he picked him up to force him to go to the tub and he began his flailing and thrashing around thing. Normal for him. Except this time he added this ear drum bursting squeel. SO that landed him on a break aka a time out aka Mommy wants to beat your ass but Daddy is handling things so she cannot. And he did not just do this screech once. Oh no, no...he did it like 6 times..in a row. (Did I mention I was trying to nap on the couch while this occurred? Did I also mentioned that I do NOT wake up well on a normal day, let alone like THAT?)

But the screeching bullshit is not even the tip of the Bowen Bullshit iceberg. He suddenly hates going to bed. (I thought I had like a year or two before this started) He is scared of shadows, and then there is always a noise, and his tummy grumbles. So in the beginning we really thought he might be scared of the shadows, but with his two night lights, its lit up like the fourth of effing July in there..there can be no shadows. And we KNOW there is always a sound because our upstairs neighbors are constantly running relays or bowling or something up there. Anyways..for the past two nights I have gone in there and then Jason goes in there and then we just give up. And I get to listen to a seriously pathetic, "Mooooooommmmmmyyyyyy! MOOOOOOOOMMMMYYYY!!" incorporated with a cry for like 5 minutes. WTF? Go. To. Sleep. Go to sleep before mommy sits on a break by herself and cries her own self to sleep.

Its not just going to bed that causes a meltdown, it is whenever we ask anything. Seriously...I am being punished. I can handle the sigh and eye rolling from a teenager who doesn't want to take out the trash or clean their room. But this full on leg kicking, crying, yelling shit from a 3 year old who doesn't want to pee and brush his teeth in the mornings is not working for me. Any time he has to get off the computer or turn off a movie it's the same thing. And he is STUBBORN. If we try to pick him up out of a chair or off a bed he turns himself into a 90 pound kid...who is stiff as a board. It is a serious work out dealing with him.

And it is so much worse when they can talk back. "I don't know how" and "I don't want to" are very common things out of Bowen's mouth. (along with poop and butt...everything is a butt. If he doesn't like you, you are a stinkbutt or poopbutt. Guess its better than being an asshole) I didn't think they started arguing or telling you no this early. Obviously this was not something they put in baby books. (probably bc it would scare ALL expecting mothers and the abortion rate would spike) I said, "Bowen you need to go potty so we can leave." Bowen, "But I don't know how." Wtf? Me: "Bowen go pee so we can leave. Right now!" Bowen: "But I don't want to!!" OMG.....I am pretty sure this is when I drag his screaming heiney to the bathroom and force him to pee by telling him I am going to dunk his head in the potty. (ok I have never used that threat, but it has crossed my mind) Anyways...fact of the matter is...his new attitude has made everything..EVERYTHING...take 10 times longer. And I need everyone to hustle. I am one of those moms yelling, "Hurry up!" and "Let's go!!" and "MOOOVE IT!!!" every morning. Or any time we need to do something. I just hate it when people don't have the same urgency to get shit done as I do.

Really my list of crap that goes on with this child on a daily basis is far too much for me to type. I don't want to risk getting carpal tunnel or anything. And I have probably left out some of the more serious moments...like I blocked them out of my mind for fear of really losing all sanity. So this was just to give you an idea of what I am dealing with.

The point is...when Bowen was 2 he still had a binkie..which I used often make him shut up. And now he does not. When he was two, his vocab was limited, so he didn't talk back. Not the case anymore. When he was two I did eeeeeeeeverything..there was no "I can do it" or "I don't want to", just me getting shit done. NOW...those are mere memories that I visit in my mind when I am wishing for easier days. So to all you bitches...I mean parents...who said the two's are really terrible...you are all full of shit. And should have something (like the toy train next to me) thrown at your head. AND I KNOW some of you parents of older kids are going to tell me that this is nothing compared to the teen years. Guess what....at this rate he will be in reform school by the time he even gets NEAR his teen years, so I couldn't give a shit less what the teen years are like. I am only interested in the NOW.

Sigh.

So that is all. Since I can't take my frustration out on the angelic, sleeping three year old in the other room. And Jason has had to resort to beers at night. I must take it out on all you lying parents out there. And I feel the need to remind you that you did lie. So stop it. It is not nice. And you deserve a break. (Not a break like a smoke/drink/nap break...a time out break)

This mommy is headed to a break of her own. I am taking an allergy pill that will hopefully send me off to dreams of an island getaway free from people shorter than me calling me mommy and asking for shit. This island getaway I will be the only sending out orders and requests. Awww...blissful dream land.

And Thats How It Is!!!!

((((Baby Bowen munching on an apple only 2 short years ago))))




I made an announcement on facebook last night..a very important one. No...I am not engaged. No......we are not expecting. We are doing the whole "eat what we cook or go hungry" thing again.

I think I mentioned this before, but I ALWAYS said I would never put up with a picky eater. My parents didn't...and I am not a short order cook. Let me eat my words right now. Because I DO put up with a picky eater. And I HAVE turned into a short order cook. And I am taking a stand!!!

OK Jason and I "tried" this last year...but Bowen went like 3 days without eating and I caved in. But this time..I am a meaner mom...I am more stubborn than my 3.5 year old brat. And damn it..I WILL win!

Last night I made spaghetti. I knew Bowen wouldn't eat the marinara, so I tossed a little bit in EVOO (c'mon Rachel Ray fans) and added a little parmesan. And then I cut up an apple. So the kid ate like 5 big slices of apple...no spaghetti..but I was SO excited. This was a huge step for the kid who eats nothing but chips, queso, crackers, popcorn, and happy meals. (I take the blame. I don't want to hear any of your shitty comments telling me how I am failing as a mom. I KNOW.)

So today I gave him some mashed potatoes, green beans, steak, and apple slices again. And again..he ate the apples. Jason was pretty excited about this because he missed out on last nights dinner. Obviously I am really excited about the apples. That is a great thing. BUT what if he ONLY eats apples.

Ok and let me admit this...Bowen gets a "snack" every night while reading books. Last night I let him have peanut butter and crackers and tonight he had a few croutons. (which made his breath small like the dirtiest mouth ever) I don't feel like this is cheating. I mean Bowen announced (rudely) that he wanted a happy meal. And I said NO. Yeah...that's right..a big NO. See...I can hang. Things are different.

Anyways...we are on day 2. I am just worried about what's going to happen when I don't put apple slices on the plate. He may starve. ((ok..really..he takes after his mom and could live off of his thighs for a few days..weeks even))

So...that, my friends, is how it is. Bowen is living off of apple slices and three croutons. And I am winning!! (Like Charlie Sheen...but less wasted and waaaay more normal and safe)

Make It Stop

Here are two pics...one of Bowen now...and one of my sweet baby Bowen...well he was about a year old in the second picture. I can't believe how much he has grown! WHICH is the cause for today's blog.

One of the best feelings ever is when you go pick your baby up from daycare and they see you, stop everything, and run to you, arms wide open and give you a big ol' hug! I normally do not get to experience this very often, Jason does the picking up from school and I do the dropping off. (And to be honest, the dropping off sucks...I have to deal with tears and "mommy don't weaaaave me!"..he gets the hug) Yesterday I picked Bowen up from school and got the biggest hug ever! And after I got my hug I picked him up and he put his chubby little hand on my cheek, looked into my eyes, and said, "Mommy, I so happy you're here." O.M.G. MELT MY HEART!!!

I have been having serious issues with this whole baby growing up thing. I mean, in a few short months Bowen will be 4 years old!!! It is like so much has changed already and I am not really ready to let go of the "baby"..I want to keep him around for a while longer. Don't get me wrong..I love that we don't have binkies or diapers or bottles...love that...but I miss the sweet little rolly poley too! Even Jason has recently said, "This boy is getting too big!" So I must not be the only crazy one.

Now..I hate to be the sentimental sweet mommy...but this new birth control has actually made me MORE sentimental than normal...so..let me tell you how it has been.

Bowen and I got to spend all day Sunday together. And I loved every minute of it. We went to lunch at Chimy's and had some chips and queso. Then we went to find Jason a new shirt for his birthday. Bowen didn't even want his stroller he wanted to walk. (Which was good and bad) We were in Macy's looking around at shirts and all of a sudden he grabs his butt and says, "I HAVE TO POOP!!!". Of course there wasn't a bathroom nearby so I picked him up like a football, and RAN to the food court. While running with him (Which was more like a retarded jog bc the kid weighs 40 pounds and was moving) he is yelling, "HURRY MOMMY!! THE POOP IS GOING TO COME OUT!!!". (This is what made me miss the stroller) We made it to the bathroom and I get him on a toilet. And he starts singing the ABC's. And then he was talking about everything from his shoes, to my purse, to the fact that Mommy's and Daddy's poop too. FINALLY he finished up and turned around to flush, but first, had to announce that his poop was green. (No idea wtf he has been eating) After the pooping we went back to find a shirt. He would hide in the racks and sing, "Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat.", and then I had to say, "If you don't, I don't care, I'll pull down your underwear!". I am SURE the Macy's customers thought we were crazy. But every time I said underwear he would laugh HYSTERICALLY! So it was worth it.

It's not even these BIG moments that make it seem like Bowen is growing up way too fast, but the little things. Like how he used to play with my hair when he was sleepy, now he plays with his own. How he used to snuggle with me on the couch...now he wants his own pillow. And, of course, he can do everything by himself. I knew all of these things would come..I just didn't think it'd happen so fast. Some days I just want to freeze time and savor every sweet second. (holy shit...I am scaring myself with the mushiness)

While these moments probably seem disgusting and obnoxious to many, I definitely think they are amazing. Before I know it he won't even be seen at the mall with me! And obviously I enjoy the after school hugs more than the mall/poop/running thing. I am looking forward to the first day of school (kind of), the first time he rides a bike (I think), and maybe even prom (MAYBE). I just can't believe he is such a big boy already! Time really does fly...and I would like it to stop.

I Love The Smell Of Ass In The Morning

I've said it a million times before..and I will say it a million more...mornings in my home are not fun or good or even smooth. No, no...they are most definitely the worst time of day.

I am NOT a morning person. AT ALL. I hate when the alarm goes off..in fact, if my alarm wasn't my phone, I am 100% sure there would be a pile of smashed alarm clocks in the corner. Thankfully...I love my phone..therefore I have yet to smash it.

Bowen, the lovely boy that he is, has the same hate as his mother of mornings. In fact...he may be slightly worse. This morning, my alarm and Jason's alarm went off in seconds of eachother..when we both FINALLY got to the snooze button Bowen raised one arm up and angrily said, "Quiet it down in here!". If I hadn't been SO damn tired, I would have giggled. Most mornings this is what happens..I get almost completely ready (make up on, hair dried, his lunch packed, my lunch packed) and then I go lay in bed with him and say OH SO SWEETLY (for real), "Hey little boy, its time to wake up." Which is instantly greeted with a flailing arm to the face, or whatever other body part is near him, and a screeching, "NOOOO!!!! ITS NOT TIME TO WAKE UP!!!!" I give it like...23 seconds..and say, "Come on Stinky Boy..I will put a video on and you can have a snack." Normally that works. If it doesn't, then I am met with another screeching, "Its not wake up time!!! I still sweeeping!!!". Eventually he wakes up, asks for a video, and a snack. From there on..its not horrible. I pause the movie so he can pee and brush his teeth. Give him cheetos or doritos or dry cereal..whatever snack he wants, and a juice box or milk. And get him dressed. He likes to "help" open the door and turn off lights..so that slows things down..but atleast he isn't screaming or throwing a fit.

Then there are days like today...I had his diaper bag, my bag, my purse all in arms, plus a set of keys in hand and was ushering Bowen out the door. (Did I mention I was running 5 minutes behind schedule?) And Bowen announces, "I have to poop!!!" And runs to the bathroom. WTF? NOW?!? He couldn't hold it 5 minutes until we got to school?? So I dropped everything on the floor and asked if he needed help. He wanted the little Thomas toilet topper thingy, so he wouldn't fall in. And of course, its nowhere to be found. So I told him I would help him on..and not let him fall. He FINALLY (after arguing) says, ok. Then tells me to go away..but meant for me to stand in the doorway..so he could tell me..repeatedly...that he was not going to fall in. And then...in between strains..about how he is a big boy and poops on the potty chair and mommy poops on the potty chair..and then where is Jason?

I swear the kid took like 10 minutes. And then he peed on his shirt. So I ran to find a new shirt...he jumped off the toilet and I walked into the bathroom to see him bent completely over..hands on the rug..with his ass in the air. And he says, "You can wipe my heiney now." Once my eyes were not blinded but his white heiney in the air, I did. And got him re-dressed. And then we could leave.

Why do kids have the WORST timing ever with their bodily functions? Last week he had to poop as soon as we walked into The Home Goods store. Any time we go anywhere..dinner..breakfast..shopping...he has to go. I think he does it as a secret plot against me. Evil child!! ((Can't you see the evil oozing out of him in the picture?? No? Weird. Must be because you're evil too))

Parenting 101

I am a first time parent. Therefore, I am learning as I go. I mean..kids don't come with a manual. And even if they did, I wouldn't read it. So basically...Bowen is my parenting expirement. I am sure my second child will be much more stable and balanced.

I watched the movie, The Runaways, a few weeks ago. I love Joan Jett, so I definitely loved The Runaways. And downloaded a few songs on my iPod immediately after watching the movie. One of the songs is Cherry Bomb. Bowen has now begun to request this song every time we get into the car. And sings along...randomly..and even in random places...like the bathroom at the Home Goods store. I have awesome taste in music...I listen to everything, but have always been more of a rocker. (How can you not love Jimi Hendrix or Eric Clapton or Slipknot? Wait..you don't know who they are? Hold on...I have to re-evaluate our friendship) And hope and pray that Bowen has been blessed in the same way. SO far....it looks good. But it does make me giggle when my three year old sings, "Hewo Daddy, hewo mom. I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb!!!" I am ready for him to learn the next line and watch heads turn as he says, "Hewo world I'm your wiiiild girl! I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb!" I am really, really, really trying to get him into "Satisfaction" by The Rolling Stones. THAT will be a true milestone in Bowen's love for music. However...I have heard of parents not allowing their kids to listen to said types of music. Now..I could launch into a WHOLE speech about this bullshit..but I will spare you. Anyways, I have seen the eyes of the moms staring at me as we jam out in the mornings at daycare (because we can't get out of the car until the song is over) and I only have one thing to tell those types of people....in the words of Ludacris, "Get out my business, my biz-nasssss. Stay the f*&% up out my biz-nass!" ((Didn't know I was so gangsta did ya??))

On Saturday I decided to take us all to the movies. Bowen went to a movie like a year and a half ago with my mom. But since I was not present I refuse to admit he has already been to a movie. So...Saturday I took Bowen to the movies for the first time! I was SOOO excited..and Bowen was super excited about the popcorn. We went to see Gnomeo and Juliet. We got seated and the quiet previews with all the lights were on. Bowen was munching away on popcorn..also known as copcorn..and I was STOKED. And then the lights went out and a preview blared. He jumped. Jason and I both laughed. Anyways..the movie is going good. Bowen has only been slightly loud a few times and I was thinking that I had made a wise investment. Then...halfway through the movie...he practically yells, "Ok I am bored. Can we go now?" I was like WTF?!? I was really enjoying the movie. So Jason and him went potty or something and came back to watch the rest of the movie. So....60 bucks later...I now know not to take him to the movies for another 6 months. Maybe a year. Just for good measure. (60 bucks is like a pair and a half of shoes from ShoeDazzle. Bowen owes me!)

And now...Bowen's hair. I mean you probably look at the picture above and think, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. What a ragamuffin!!!" Well here is the real reason why he looks so gross. He wanted to grow his hair out..and Jason thinks I should let him..until it gets hot outside. Bowen has always played with people's hair. Since he was a baby he had to have his fingers in someone's hair when he was tired or asleep. I think its sweet and cute. Now he has hair of his own to play with so now I feel bad thinking about cutting it off. But he looks so ridiculous right now!! Now my family doesn't approve..and Jason may not either...but I really, really, really want to mohawk his hair again. He looks so cute and tough when he has a hawk! And we get to dye it blue and stuff! I mean really...I am always changing my hair..what makes you think it would be any different with my kids???

And let me end on a note of violence. (Spartacus has really rubbed off on me) A few weeks ago Bowen got in trouble at school. He punched a little boy in the face. And got put on a break. BUT he did tell the kid he was sorry. So I come home from work and Jason drops this on me and is really upset that Bowen did it. I, on the other hand, need a few more details. Why did he punch the kid? What did the other kid do? How do we know the other kid didn't instigate this? WHERE ARE THE DETAILS? Of course he didn't have any. (And he probably brought home the wrong jacket that day too.) And I was too late the next morning to ask. But either way...I am SURE the other kid had it coming.

Really...our life is not THAT exciting. I haven't had my boob pulled out in public lately. (By Jason..not Bowen. Kidding..Kidding!) Bowen hasn't yelled out the F word in front of anyone. He may have punched a kid...but I am pretty sure he wasn't just punchin kids because they were there. Really..it has been just another day in paradise. A paradise filled with bruises, temporary tattoos, and lots and lots of doritos. Like I said...there isn't a manual.

LOVE Day

So it is a little late...but, like my Aunt Sheila always says, better late than never.

Valentime's Day was on Monday. (Yes...ValenTIMES) I like to pretend and say that I HATE this holiday...but I do not. I LOVE it. Yep. LOVE. Jason, on the other hand, hates this holiday. He thinks its all lame and a greeting card holiday and yadda yadda yadda. BUT I disagree. In day to day life it is easy to forget to show the ones you love how much you love them. And no, taking out the trash does not equal love. (Just responsibility) SO...I like it because it is nice to be reminded that someone loves you. (Unless you are single...in which case...Valentime's Day really, really blows)

Jason and I had been going through a bit of a rough patch so he wasn't very sure we were doing a Valentime's day thing..but Saturday I sweetly said, "Are you getting me a Valentine's present? Because I got you one, so you need to get me one." (Seriously..you HAVE to TELL the man this sort of thing..or he won't do it. He needs instruction. He even admits to this. So...no. I was not being a total bitch)

Jason's gift giving abilities started out BAD ASS in 2010. Last Valentime's day he got my a package to a spa, where I got a massage and my hairs did. But then it started going downhill. (I won't go into details..for his sake) SO..Monday rolled around and I had my hopes up. I asked Jason to meet me for lunch since he had the day off. And at lunch I warned him that he better do something good...because my gift for him was bad ass. I told him what was NOT a good gift..so he had some clarity. ((And seriously..this was all joking..but in a joking/threatening kind of way..I needed a good Valentime's day ya'll))

So Monday night I had to go to Sprint because my phone was being a piece of shit and not charging. I sat there for like an hour and was exhausted and ready to go home and see what was in store for me. AND I really wanted to give Jason his present.

When I got out of the car Jason and Bowen met me outside. Inside the house Jason had decorated our coffee table with a pink table cloth, fresh strawberries, a pineapple, a box for microwavable chocolate fondue stuff (LOL I know I know..but its ok), his gift bag, his cards, my card, and the cupcakes I made the night before.

Ok....I really thought all I was getting was fruit and chocolate. Which I had to cut up and melt and dip...myself. (Uhh yes..maybe a little diva-ish, but it was Valentime's day for God's sake) SO...I said, "This is nice J..open your present." And he opened tickets to go see a Rangers spring training game. ((OK I would have bought REAL game tickets, but they were never close enough to us...so this will have to work)) And then he gave me my card. Which was SO appropriate with everything that had been going on. AND FINALLY....another gift. Are you ready?!?!

Tickets to see ERIC CLAPTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was shocked and happy!! I had mentioned Eric Clapton like months ago, but the tickets were pretty effing high..so obviously wasn't going to buy them.

Anyways...all in all it was a great Valentime's. Jason is off to a good start in the 2011 gift giving area and March 6th we will be listening to Cocaine performed by the man himself, up close and personal (ok..in the same arena)!!!

So not only was Valentime's phenomenal...but I think our 2011 is finally make a turn for the better. Here is to lots of love in the coming months!!! <3>

Mommy, WOW, He is a Big Boy Now!

I knew that this day would come. We got off the bottle, off the paci, out of diapers...so this was bound to happen. And obviously, it needed to. No one wants their 35 year old son living at home, making you was his dirty underwear, and cook his meals. Anyways..today...I became one step closer to not having a little boy, but a big boy. Bowen got himself completely dressed..all by himself...today.

Normally I help Bowen get dressed. He may put on his own undies or sock occasionally. But I have a big hand in it. And I don't mind it. But today, he switched everything up!!

OK...I am not a morning person. And every morning we are running late. But today we are definitely running late. And he tries putting his shirt on 6 times. The first time he ALMOST had it, but it needed to be turn a little bit so he could get his arm in the hole. Well he took the whole thing off. And then he had to shake it out to get it turn right side out. And try again. And take it off. And try again. But he got it dude! He got it!

He got his undies on, no prob. Got his jeans on, no prob. Socks took a moment, but he did it.

It was one of those bittersweet moments. I was all, "Way to go man! Thats awesome! You did a great job!", but the inside of me was saying, "Omg...he is not a baby anymore. Soon he won't need me at all. And then he will be moving out! OMG!"

Ever since that moment I just want to hold him and squeeze him and cover him in smoochers. How can he be this big already!?!