To all those parents who told me the "terrible twos" were the worst time ever. Ya'll lied! ALL OF YOU ARE LIARS!! And I hate you all. (kidding..sorta) Let me tell you...the two's ain't got shit on the three's. Seriously. EFF THE THREES!!!
Don't get me wrong...Bowen's two's did start out a little rocky. He threw his fair share of temper tantrums and had melt downs at very inopportune times..like the grocery store or the middle of a casino. BUT...really..they are nothing compared to what we are dealing with now.
Last night..for example...Bowen didn't want to take a bath. So Jason threatened to take away something and that didn't work and then he picked him up to force him to go to the tub and he began his flailing and thrashing around thing. Normal for him. Except this time he added this ear drum bursting squeel. SO that landed him on a break aka a time out aka Mommy wants to beat your ass but Daddy is handling things so she cannot. And he did not just do this screech once. Oh no, no...he did it like 6 times..in a row. (Did I mention I was trying to nap on the couch while this occurred? Did I also mentioned that I do NOT wake up well on a normal day, let alone like THAT?)
But the screeching bullshit is not even the tip of the Bowen Bullshit iceberg. He suddenly hates going to bed. (I thought I had like a year or two before this started) He is scared of shadows, and then there is always a noise, and his tummy grumbles. So in the beginning we really thought he might be scared of the shadows, but with his two night lights, its lit up like the fourth of effing July in there..there can be no shadows. And we KNOW there is always a sound because our upstairs neighbors are constantly running relays or bowling or something up there. Anyways..for the past two nights I have gone in there and then Jason goes in there and then we just give up. And I get to listen to a seriously pathetic, "Mooooooommmmmmyyyyyy! MOOOOOOOOMMMMYYYY!!" incorporated with a cry for like 5 minutes. WTF? Go. To. Sleep. Go to sleep before mommy sits on a break by herself and cries her own self to sleep.
Its not just going to bed that causes a meltdown, it is whenever we ask anything. Seriously...I am being punished. I can handle the sigh and eye rolling from a teenager who doesn't want to take out the trash or clean their room. But this full on leg kicking, crying, yelling shit from a 3 year old who doesn't want to pee and brush his teeth in the mornings is not working for me. Any time he has to get off the computer or turn off a movie it's the same thing. And he is STUBBORN. If we try to pick him up out of a chair or off a bed he turns himself into a 90 pound kid...who is stiff as a board. It is a serious work out dealing with him.
And it is so much worse when they can talk back. "I don't know how" and "I don't want to" are very common things out of Bowen's mouth. (along with poop and butt...everything is a butt. If he doesn't like you, you are a stinkbutt or poopbutt. Guess its better than being an asshole) I didn't think they started arguing or telling you no this early. Obviously this was not something they put in baby books. (probably bc it would scare ALL expecting mothers and the abortion rate would spike) I said, "Bowen you need to go potty so we can leave." Bowen, "But I don't know how." Wtf? Me: "Bowen go pee so we can leave. Right now!" Bowen: "But I don't want to!!" OMG.....I am pretty sure this is when I drag his screaming heiney to the bathroom and force him to pee by telling him I am going to dunk his head in the potty. (ok I have never used that threat, but it has crossed my mind) Anyways...fact of the matter is...his new attitude has made everything..EVERYTHING...take 10 times longer. And I need everyone to hustle. I am one of those moms yelling, "Hurry up!" and "Let's go!!" and "MOOOVE IT!!!" every morning. Or any time we need to do something. I just hate it when people don't have the same urgency to get shit done as I do.
Really my list of crap that goes on with this child on a daily basis is far too much for me to type. I don't want to risk getting carpal tunnel or anything. And I have probably left out some of the more serious moments...like I blocked them out of my mind for fear of really losing all sanity. So this was just to give you an idea of what I am dealing with.
The point is...when Bowen was 2 he still had a binkie..which I used often make him shut up. And now he does not. When he was two, his vocab was limited, so he didn't talk back. Not the case anymore. When he was two I did eeeeeeeeverything..there was no "I can do it" or "I don't want to", just me getting shit done. NOW...those are mere memories that I visit in my mind when I am wishing for easier days. So to all you bitches...I mean parents...who said the two's are really terrible...you are all full of shit. And should have something (like the toy train next to me) thrown at your head. AND I KNOW some of you parents of older kids are going to tell me that this is nothing compared to the teen years. Guess what....at this rate he will be in reform school by the time he even gets NEAR his teen years, so I couldn't give a shit less what the teen years are like. I am only interested in the NOW.
Sigh.
So that is all. Since I can't take my frustration out on the angelic, sleeping three year old in the other room. And Jason has had to resort to beers at night. I must take it out on all you lying parents out there. And I feel the need to remind you that you did lie. So stop it. It is not nice. And you deserve a break. (Not a break like a smoke/drink/nap break...a time out break)
This mommy is headed to a break of her own. I am taking an allergy pill that will hopefully send me off to dreams of an island getaway free from people shorter than me calling me mommy and asking for shit. This island getaway I will be the only sending out orders and requests. Awww...blissful dream land.
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