The Shit My Kid Says/Does

There is a guy on facebook and twitter that posts all the random crap his dad says. In fact, its called 'The Shit My Dad Says'. Love the guy...its HILARIOUS. A lot of times... I feel like that. The stuff Bowen tells me is so weird and random sometimes that if he hadn't included a shit or damn I might think it was someone else's kid. So here are some of our random moments as of late.

Last Saturday Jason, Bowen, and I went to lunch with Jason's college roomie, Nate. I had never met Nate before so I was TRYING to make a good impression. (of course, this did not work out) So we are at the table and me and Bowen are drawing, playing trains, the usual. He stands up on the chair and lifts his shirt and says, "Mommy, I have boobs?" So maybe boobs is not the right term, but how do you explain that he has pecs or whatever? I just said yes. THEN he grabs my shirt and starts pulling it down (AND it was a v-neck..so hello...) and says, "Mommy, you have boobs?" I said yes as I was frantically trying to pull my shirt up. (Not that there is a lot to see..hello A-cup) And he GRABS a boob and says, "Right there?!" Uhh yes kid..thats a boob. Thanks for pointing it out. I was able to distract him and no more boob talk happened that night. But so much for the good first impression.

Tuesday night Bowen and I were laying in my bed reading books. So we were laying in bed reading about the monster under the bed when he stopped me and said, "Mommy..I have boogies." Alright...I got him a kleenex and tried to get him to blow his nose. I was told that you don't do it like that. THEN he stuck his little finger up his little nostril, picked a boogie, and wiped it on my arm! (all in like 1.375 seconds so I couldn't even react!) I freaked out and told him NOT to wipe his boogies on me and tried looking for the kleenex that magically disappeared all while gagging and saying gross. He thought it was HILARIOUS.

Wednesday night Bowen and I needed to go run an errand. I had my hands full of crap and he wanted me to carry him. So I said no, started walking, he got pissed and stood at the front door. I threw everything into the car and went back to get him. When I grabbed him I was telling him that when I say its time to go, he needs to come with me, blah blah blah...he looks at me..very serious, puts his hand in my face (like on of those 'talk to the hand' type of things) and says, "SILENCE!" which sounded like siwence. NORMALLY I can keep it together, but this totally caught me off guard and I started laughing.

Yesterday was Veteran's Day and our daycare was closed. (don't even get me started on this) I couldn't get a sitter and Jason was in Canada so I stayed home with the evil monster. We got up around 9 (soooo nice) and Bowen went pee and said he needed some undies. So I grabbed his Spiderman boxer-briefs. (I love little boys in boxer briefs...er...in a total non-creepy way..they just look cute! Like little men! Shit...this isn't getting any better) SO he puts them on and starts singing, "Spiderman...spiderman..." and then says, "I WUV dat song." So cute. Then he wants me to put on Thomas. So I did. Then he starts humming (kinda off..but whatever) the Thomas theme song. SO cute. And when he is done says, "Mommy...I just WUV that song." Those moments are the good ones..he isn't wiping snot on me, groping me, saying cuss words, or destroying things. I love these moments..mostly because they are out of the norm for us, so you have to cherish them.

And this morning I was getting ready...had just got out of the shower and opened the bathroom door and Bowen was standing there. I thought he was in bed so I was totally caught off guard. Scared the Bejesus out of me. I gasped and jumped and Bowen smiled up at me and said, "Don't worry Mommy, I not a monster!" and then walked over to me and patted my leg and said, "Its ok...don't be scared." Gotta love the kid.

Ok...I re-read this..this post is LAME. Aside from the boob thing it sounds like our life is semi-normal. Here I thought I was this crazy parent living with a crazy demon child....there is no way my life can be this normal!! Before you know it I will be the head of the PTA and the room mom! (bahahahaha yeaaaaa right)

Random Shizzzz

Kids are so random. So today is just a blog of random shit that happened this weekend. I am sure there is more...but I have slept since then.

Yesterday Bowen was playing in his bedroom and I realized we needed to go to Target. So I went to get him and told him that I would buy him a toy if he went because I was just too tired to deal with the fight. He got all excited and said OK and ran to the door. This is what he had been doing in his room...changing his outfit. He was looking hot though.

He had on his red Thomas the Tank Engine pj pants, a tee shirt, then a blue plaid button down shirt on top, and his flip flops.

Some moms would have said he had to change...I offered him a hat..but he said no. (and the hat would have totally made the outfit)

Then last night I was folding laundry and he said, "Give me a kiss!". For my kid...this is weird...I normally have to beg for smoochers, or tell him I will only get him a cookie if he gives me a kiss. So I gave him a kiss and he went off to play. Then a few minutes later he came into my room and said, "I'm so happy your mine mommy!" Seriously..sweetest thing ever. He probably has no idea what the hell that means, but I sure love it.

And then there was this morning....I went in to wake up the beast (because thats what he is in the mornings) and he tells me, eyes still closed, "I can't wake up." I asked, "why not?" His reply, "There are snakes in my dredroom." I laughed and said, "what?" And he said, "Snakes, Mommy. In my dredroom. You have to kill them." And then rolled back over. Eventually he woke up and realized he had been dreaming....or that there were no snakes...either way..it was a good way to start the day.

And last but not least, we got to school this morning and of course, he wanted to be carried in. (let me tell you how dangerous this was, I am in platform 6 inch heels, carrying a bag, lunch box, keys, and a 40 pound kid) So I get him to the door and he yells, "Ouch!! YOU hurt mine PEEEENIS!!!" Umm...sorry kid...then he stomped to the door, lecturing me about not hurting his penis. Luckily, once we got inside he stopped talking about it, gave me a hug, and even said hey to the kids when they said, "Hi B-b-bowen!". (Like I said..good morning!!)

Oh kids...they are pretty entertaining. Sometimes I think we could even get rid of the cable, but then I remember that we wouldn't have a built in babysitter...I mean, we wouldn't be able to teach Bowen the wonders of the world. Who the hell am I kidding? Thank Jebus for Nick Jr and the Disney channel or I would lose my effing mind.

Table for Three

Above is a pic of me and Bowen at a restaurant...trying to eat breakfast...so imagine how he is when he is at home.....this leads me to my most recent debacle.

So back in the day...when my dad and stepmom got married...when it was just me and my little brother, Chance, we used to have dinner at the table every night. Then they had my little sister, Addison, and dinners at the table started slowing down and it was dinner where ever you wanted most of the time. THEN they accidentally got prego with my little brother, Declan, and then it was fend for yourself, eat where you want, don't get in trouble or make me yell at you. However, when we would go visit my mom, we almost always had dinner at the table. I kinda liked it. A lot of my friends had dinner at the dinner table and it always seemed so nice and normal. I always wanted to have family dinners when I had kids too.

When I got married me and the ex used to eat at the table...but as soon as Bowen popped into our lives, I usually ate standing up in the kitchen while making bottles or cleaning and he watched tv and ate. Then it was just me and Bowen and he ate on his little table and I ate standing up in the kitchen next to him. THEN we moved in with Jason. Jason once told me that he wanted to have dinner at the table like he did when he was growing up. We didn't have a table until just recently. And Bowen has developed this serious issue with food, so he normally snacks all night and me and J would do dinner in front of the tv. Not what either of us really want.

Then this weekend a miracle (or curse) happened. You know when you live in apartment complexes and someone moves out there is a great chance of them leaving their furniture outside. Well it was our lucky day and they did just that. There was a pretty decent table and chairs outside and it fit perfectly in our little dining area. So I made Jason get it. (its just a short term thing...SOON we will get a nice brand new table...don't judge me a-hole!)

We took it inside and upon further inspection, the two chairs suck, buuut they can be replaced. (wally world here I come) The table is a little scratched (probably seen one too many nights of quarters and beer pong, but that just means we can do it too and not feel bad about ruining the table!) but it isn't too bad. All in all, its a-ok! (especially in a house where it will certainly be destroyed by trains and/or make up and hair dye)

Last night we tried our first dinner at the table. It was not all that I had imagined. Bowen didn't want to eat (duh) and kept swinging the computer chair that is serving as his chair into the side of the table. Jason got up from the table twice to see what drama was happening on tv...and I was exhausted and 1.5 seconds away from ripping what little hair I have out of my head. Bowen didn't eat (even after I begged him to eat one fish stick so we could go get ice cream...mostly bc I really wanted some) and was obnoxious and yelling. SO it was not the hunky dory, happy family meal I had envisioned. But I am going to give it another try. Maybe bring out a placemat or three out...try to make it LOOK fun and nice.

Either way...we got ONE more piece of furniture to pile crap on. AND when we have Thanksgiving dinner, we can sit at a cutely decorated table. (ok the decorations probably won't happen, but I can hope) And maybe, just maybe, Bowen will start eating dinner like a normal kid!! Orrr maybe I will take up having a glass of wine with dinner just so I can make it through it. ;-)

The Wicked Witch of Kansas

Well...I survived through Halloween. Like I said before, its my fav time of year...so I tend to party hard...and I made it. However, I may not make it through this week. My mom, aka Nana, has been in town since Friday night. My sweet as sugar baby boy is this evil, demonic, bratty child now. Seriously!

Bowen is suuuch a mama's boy. And I LOVE it! I am used to getting snuggles and hugs and kisses whenever I want. But when his Nana is around, it does NOT happen. In fact, he hates me. All weekend him and Nana played trains and made haunted gingerbread houses and did arts and crafts. (It was kind of nice yesterday bc I felt like someone hit me with a semi..but anyways) I KNOW that grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandkids and leave them for their parents to deal with. Believe me...I hear this excuse a lot. BUT its bullshit! NOW I have to be the bad guy and make this kid get his shit..I mean act...together and be normal again.

Here is my situation, the kid is waaaay off his schedule. Last night he didn't pass out until 11 and his normal bed time is between 8 and 8:30. And he is NOW used to getting everything he wants and being waited on hand and foot. AND he has an attitude. So none of this is ok. I am PRAYING that tonight he is sleepy and will go to bed with me at 8..because I am still recovering..er..sleepy..

And hopefully he will take a nap at school so the 2 hours I have him at home with me won't be totally like hell week.

And the attitude. I can sport some attitude myself, so the kid learns from the best, but DAMN. Anytime I tried to walk into his bedroom he would stick his hand up and wave me off, tell me, "Get outta here! WEAVE my dredroom!" I didn't think this would happen until I had a teenage daughter. Obviously, I was way off. (like most things in my life) This morning he was snuggled up with his Nana in bed and I went to lay down beside him (seriously having snuggle withdrawals) and he told me I couldn't lay with him. I am a tough cookie, I can handle some shit, but he did sort of crack my heart a little. Thankfully, his Nana knows me, and talked him into letting me snug him for a minute. (Thanks mom..I really needed a Bowen snuggle)

And...now I know this is selfish...but we all know she comes to see Bowen. I am a pretty big mama's girl. Me and my mom are really close. Like we talk ALL the time. Email everyday during the day, usually call at night...so we are close. I used to see her every single day, so its tough now that we don't live anywhere near eachother. So I, of course, miss the mom/daughter bonding time. And unfortunately, they are always quick trips. So not only am I left with an evil monster child, but I miss my mom too!

But the worst is yet to come. Like anytime she visits, she drops him off at school before she hops on her broom...I mean plane..back to Kansas. So when I go pick him up today this is the first thing he will ask, "Where is my Nana?" and then I have to tell him that she went to her house in Kansas. And then he will get those big blue puppy eyes going and say, "I so sad...I miss my Nana." And then it will make me get big hazel puppy eyes...and its all downhill from there!

I love when my mom comes to visit, but she sure leaves a path of destruction when she heads home..and that path is named Bowen. Wish me luck ya'll!

Happy Halloweenie!!!

It is my favorite time of the year...Halloween time. I love Halloween. My mom used to make all of my costumes (and the other siblings..but lets focus on me) and once I hit my teen years, I usually had more than one. (duh, because you can't wear the same costume to numerous parties) One year we even had our family pics taken around this time and were dressed up as witches and a goblin dude (bc Chance refused to be a witch...I dunno why). Anyways..point is...I love LOVE love Halloween. However, my past few Halloween's have been less than exciting...mostly due to my evil child..I mean, sweet angel.

Bowen's first Halloween he was four months old and sick. We put him in his lobster costume and took pics (so effing cute) and then in his pumpkin costume (again so cute). And called it a night.

The next year he and I were both pirates. He did not like his costume, he didn't like his hat, he didn't want to go get candy...but he did enjoy handing it out.

Last year he was supposed to be Leonidus from 300. How badass is that?!? He had the cape, a little brown diaper cover, I was going to pain abs on him...it was going to be EPIC. He refused to wear any of it. We didn't go trick or treating. (I...later that night...did manage to get molested at a club by the black version of Mr Rogers...it was an interesting night)

So this year I had high hopes. I had decided I was going to be Poison Ivy and I was assuming Bowen wouldn't care what he was so I was going to make him be Chuck Liddell. (I figured it was my last year to have a say in his costume choice so I wanted it to be something cool) THEN Bowen decided he wanted to be a monkey. I was NOT happy about this. A monkey?! That is as bad as being a banana or random food item. I looked and looked at monkey costumes. They were not cool. But Bowen was persistent. So I ordered one on Amazon. I was thinking 25 bucks for a costume. I spent 40. 40 effing dollars on a damn monkey costume.

Well Bowen has worn the damn thing like a 100 times already. He loves it and it makes him super happy so I can't complain. (except when he needs me to put the feet on 45 times in 10 minutes...or he has to take the WHOLE thing off to go pee...or the ears fall off 32 times in 6 minutes)

Anyways, Bowen is attending his first Halloween party. And he is excited about going trick or treating. So I am even MORE excited about Halloween. (Not to mention that my costume is BOMB and I will be one hot mama the night before Halloween when the adults get to go out! Woot!) Lets hope he takes us out of the last three years of shitty Halloweens...I need a good one. And I deserve it! Happy haunting ya'll!!

The Power of Words

I know I have mentioned it before, but it seriously trips me out that Bowen and I can now carry on a conversation. I swear it seems like yesterday that I was playing 50 questions (because 20 was not enough) with the kid to try to figure out if he wanted crackers or cookies. Now he tells me he wants crackers. Or he tells me he wants to go outside. Or he tells me to stop talking...yea...so obviously there is bad that comes with this GREAT gift of gab. Don't worry..of course I will share all the bad.

Explanations

Now this one isn't REALLY bad. Its just funny. Everything Bowen says starts out with because. For example, I asked him where his underwear were the other day. His answer, "Because I don't want them." Umm..cool...I hate wearing undies too...but that wasn't the question. Or when I asked him what he did at school today. "Because I was pwaying and someone scwatched my arm." He was referring to his scratch on his arm that he got on Sunday from the dresser drawer...so yea...not sure about this one at all. And when he gets REALLY excited this is what we hear, "Because...because...because...Insert random statement here". I can't wait till I get to use "BECAUSE I said so!!".

Repeating

So...this I knew was going to be a problem. If you know me, you know I can cuss like a sailor. (Hard to believe, I know.) Anyways, this isn't really new, its just been an adjustment for me to TRY to put a filter on. I STILL stand firm with the fact that I am an adult (swear to Jebus I am) and I can say any word I want to...he is the child (promise) and he is not allowed to say bad words until he gets out of my house. That is my belief. So if I want to say SHIT...I'm gonna say shit. And when he says shit, I'm going to tell him to stop. I don't want any comments about this way of thinking, (I get enough from Jason) this is the way its going to be. Anyways, Saturday Bowen made me carry him from the mall to the car. Bowen is half my size and weighs almost 40 pounds. I don't remember what he said but he said something to me when I was putting him in the car and my reply was, "Well its because I was hauling your heavy ass to the car!" And he said, "I not a heavy ass mommy." It was pretty funny. Not going to lie. However, hearing your kid drop the f-bomb, not as funny. (Still a little funny though) So like I said..I am working on a filter. And I have been doing a little better. Its a lifestyle change people..give me a break.

Um....

I'm not really sure what to title this one. When me and Bowen are arguing or I am getting onto him (which may be seen as yelling) Bowen has started saying things like, "I can't do this right now!" or "Stop talking!". Or he just tells me, "No yelling at me Mommy!" But sometimes..on very special occasions this is what happens...a finger goes to his lips and you hear, "Shhh." and then, "Stop talking mommy! I can't do this right now!" and then he stomps off to his room. I don't really know how to handle this...because most of the time I have to stifle a laugh. But sometimes (like last night) I have had enough and I tell him to get it together and stop doing whatever he was doing or he is going to bed. And sometimes (like last night) it works. Which is great. Because he stops and goes to his room..which allows me to laugh at him.

Loving Moments

And of course, there are the sweet moments when he says things like, "Give me smoochers mommy!" Or "I love you mommy". Or "I'm sorry mommy" ...those are the moments that make this whole talking thing so wonderful. So thank God the good comes with the bad and every now and then he will ask me for a smoocher or randomly tell me he wants to 'snug' me. Because if there was none of that, I would surely lose my mind.

The Burrito and The Babe

So..this is a few days late...but once you read, you will understand that I was just too tired to post anything.

I believe every parent deserves a night out. A night out that includes a drink or two or three. As long as the kids are safe and sound and taken care of..duh. So here is my tale of going out..and the next morning.

Saturday night I went out with some friends. We started out at Miller's Ale House, where I did not enjoy any ale, but did enjoy a fruity vodka and schnapps filled drink, then three captain and diets. (Umm..I was parched. Don't judge me.) THEN we decided to take a walk the strip. Honestly, I was kinda excited because I have really only walked the strip once and it was during the day.

While walking the strip a friend of a friend was getting those nudee baseball type cards that they hand out. Why..I have no idea. Anyways, SOMEHOW about 20 of them ended up in my purse without me noticing.

We ended the night relatively early and went home. I didn't have any reason to check my purse for anything so I still had not noticed the star covered ta-ta's hiding in my purse.

The next morning Bowen woke me up by poking me in the eye. It was 7:30. I went to bed at 4. I tried getting him to poke Jason in the eye...he did...Jason rolled over. I tried waking Jason up. He didn't. SO (unlike Jason) I sucked it up and got my aching head and feet out of bed to handle the ridiculously happy child.

So we get up and I am sitting on the couch, rehashing the nights events with a friend and realize if I am going to make it through the morning I am definitely going to need something greasy for breakfast. At 9:30 I had to wake Jason up and figured I'd try to drag him to breakfast with me. Jason wasn't having it. (the Rangers were playing in half an hour..so I understand..but we have TiVo..asshole) Anyways, I decide Bowen and I were going to go get a breakfast burrito and that was that.

Bowen and I were a hot mess. I had some baggy capris on that I wore when I 39 months pregnant, a hat, glasses, and last nights smeared make up. Bowen atleast had matching pj's but no shoes. Whatever...it was Roberto's...not a five star restaurant. So we walk in and go place our order. When the cashier tells me how much it is I reach into my purse for my wallet and out fly 25 nudee baseball cards. The cashiers face had a look of disgust/horror. And I am pretty sure my jaw dropped onto the counter. Then Bowen, who was sitting on the counter, picked up a card and asks, "Mommy, why her have stars on her boobs?"

So you see...there was no way I could recover. I couldn't brush it off and say, "It was a good night." because NOW my 3 yr old was holding a hooker's business card!!! I swiped all the cards back into my purse, paid the lady, took my burrito, and child, and ran.

THANKFULLY, Bowen did not have any more questions on that buxom babe's bod, because I bribed him with a coke. And he is 3...so..its not like he will be scarred or anything..BUT I, on the other hand, cannot ever go back into Roberto's. Thankfully, there is a Fausto's right across the street.