Not A Hill..A MOUNTAIN

Here is your warning....if you can't handle bodily functions talk..don't read.

Now that you have been warned...here goes...

Tuesday morning I got a call from daycare saying Bowen puked...alot. It was like 9:15..So Jason and I discussed who should leave work and he said he would. (I argued a lot. I feel like..as a mom..I should be the one home when the kid is sick. Number one, its my kid. Number two, mommys are better at comforting. Number three, I don't get grossed out over puke or shit..from him) Anyways, Jason takes Bowen home and I am checking in constantly...because I am not only concerned about my sick baby..but how Jason will handle him.

Jason and I are talking over an IM..this is the convo

J: Sooo Bowen is taking a nasty poo...

S: Eewwwww

ten minutes later

J: I have a story..

S: A good one or bad one?

J: Bowen just took the grossest poop. I knew it was going to be bad from the noise. So he finishes and stands up, looks in the toilet and smiles. Then comes over to me, his eyes all shiny with excitement and says, "I made a mountain!!!!"

Of course I thought it was HILARIOUS!!! Where the hell do kids come up with this shit??? (and not the literal shit..I know where that comes from) A mountain? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

So I come home a few hours later. Guess what he runs up to me and says...

"Mooommy!!! I made a MOUNTAIN!!!!"

I said, "A mountain of poo???"

He says, "YEP!!" and was so happy.

I wish things like a good poop made me that happy. Ohh to be three again!

Gold Star for Bowen

Yesterday we had our first parent teacher conference. OK...I would like to make it out that my child is this awful kid and that the teacher's are at their wits end...just so it could be more entertaining. However, (and thankfully) that is not the case. We had a new director take over our daycare and we also got a new teacher, so they had a meet the teacher's night.

Bowen's last teacher was awesome. I loved her. I felt great knowing that Bowen was in her class and she really seemed to get him. (like his awful morning moods and his serious hard headedness..not sure thats a word, but it is now) So I was interested to meet this new lady and see what she was all about. (Umm yea...didn't think she would be that great..not gonna lie)

So we show up to meet the teacher's night. Can I tell you how ridiculous we looked as a family? First, there was Bowen, who had on shorts and a fleece jacket (he HAD to wear it and I wasn't in the mood to argue) when it was 80 degrees outside. Jason was wearing khakis and a button down shirt, looking like Ward Cleaver. (I mean that with love, just trying to prove his preppiness) And then there was me....tights, black shirt, rasta hat, nose ring, tattoo blazing...(I got told I looked a lot like a French person yesterday..not the look I was going for, but whatever) I am sure the teacher was like wtf kind of motley crew is this. Anyways...we go in and she introduces herself. I think her name is Felina. Anyways she told us that Bowen is a great kid. That she uses him as a leader and for examples to the other kids. (not gonna lie, this shocked the shit out of me) And that he is great at picking up and helping out. (Oh really? Where is this kid at my house?) She gave me two bracelets he made for me. (I have never loved pipe cleaner and 3 cent beads so much in my life.) She also let us know that Bowen is really patient and spent a lot of time on the bracelets and that he builds awesome stuff with the blocks. (hello architect!) Did I mention that Bowen was in a piss poor mood at this thing and did NOT want to be there? So while she was complimenting how awesome and well behaved he was acting like a brat. As far as she went, she seemed really down to earth and like she got it. (you know what I'm talking about..it) She is a single mom of three (major props to her) and seemed really down to earth and made sure to let me know that if I needed anything or had concerns to let her know because we were a team. She made me feel comfortable with her, which is good because she didn't want me to go all mama bear on her ass. And I would have. Anyways basically my kid is BAD ASS and we are rocking at the parenting thing.

It was good to get some positive feedback. I am glad he is a good kid. My parents always got compliments about how wonderful we all were in public, so I am glad the tradition is continuing. Now what people don't realize is that we were little shits at home...and that tradition is carrying on as well. BUT its all good...keeps things interesting.

I Have A Kid (surprise, surprise)

Over the last few months it has become painfully clear that my baby is not a baby anymore. He is definitely a kid. (not even a toddler...a kid) It amazes me that just 6 months ago he was wearing diapers, always had a paci in his mouth, and not only expected, but NEEDED me to do basically everything for him. Let me tell you...a whole hell of a lot has changed.

Bowen is finally potty trained. Thank sweet baby Jesus! Its like having a raise. Now we only need a diaper at bed time and nap time and some times we can re-use them because he doesn't always pee in them. It is fan-frikkin-tastic! Plus I love seeing him run around in boxer briefs. He is like a little man!! (especially when he starts grabbing his junk...like wtf...we know its there guys, it didn't just disappear, leave it alone for a few)

You know, I was so excited for the independent stage so I could have a break. I was stoked to think that at some point I could tell Bowen to turn off his light, or pick up his toys, and he could do it without help. What I wasn't thinking of was how much longer everything takes. Now he wants to choose what he wears. (usually its just his undies, thank God) So I hold up two pairs...every morning its, "Bowen, batman or spiderman?" and he stands there, "Bowen...batman or spiderman...hurry up!"...more standing...and then this, "Spwiderman". And then he wants to put them on himself. First he puts both legs in one hole, I offer to help, he says no. Then he gets them inside out...once again I offer to help...nope. FINALLY he gets them right side out and both legs in both holes, but they are on backwards. I don't argue though because at that point 10 minutes have wasted away. He usually chooses a shirt...he doesn't care what pants he wears, he would definitely prefer not to wear any. (can't say that I blame him) I love that he is doing things on his own. Like before we leave for school he turns of the lights and the tv. He can be helpful, ya'll! But damn....sometimes you oversleep, haven't had a sip of caffeine, and these "wonderful" things take 20 minutes too long and you're at the end of your rope. (or is this just me?)

And one of the best things is that the kid can tell you shit...like shit you need to know AND it makes sense. Don't get me wrong, he still has the baby accent thing...you know what I am talking about...instead of chocolate milk its chwockwat milk, but you can actually communicate with him. The other night he had a tummy ache, know how I knew? HE TOLD ME!! He kept rolling around in bed and whining and I was pretty concerned so I asked him what was wrong (after I tried snuggling him and loving him) and he said, "My tummy hurts!" Swear to God, the heavens opened and the angels sang. Then it was just a matter of me fixing it. (wtf do you give a 3 yr old with a tummy ache? Pretty sure its not pepto, right?...I gave him prune juice...just asking though) And then the other night I gave him chicken nuggets and french fries for dinner and not only did he say thanks but then he asked me for ketchup! (the ketchup is new..he never asks for that..another sign of a kid)

It really didn't HIT me that he was a kid until this weekend when we busted out the home videos. We recorded Bowen singing the ABC's (so effing cute) and twinkle twinkle and then watched some of the stuff we had on the camera. OMG...I cried...like a total biotch. I mean there he was just 7 months ago, paci in mouth, shorter, rollier, talking to me about his "goldfish" we just bought him. SO adorable. And BABY-like. Now he smacks me and tells me to get him a cookie and when I stand up he is half my height. It is ridiculous how time flies. It seems like yesterday I was laying in a hospital bed crying because I didn't want to try to push the damn thing out anymore. And NOW he is a walking, talking force to be reckoned with. (no idea who he gets that from) Where has the time gone? And now I am sitting here getting all sentimental and teary eyed and counting down the hours till I can go to daycare and have him run up to me yelling "MY MOMMYS HERE" and give me hugs...damn kids ruin you.

Keep It In Your Pants, Kid!

The blog is back people!! Whooohooo! Oh...you're not that excited? Damn...well the hiatus is over. And it wasn't because I wanted to take one, but I had to. But what is really important is that it is back in action.

So where to begin???? So much has happened. Ok not really..its not like our lives are THAT full of fun and excitement.

Well....one thing that I wished I could have shared was Bowen's first "you show me yours and I'll show you mine" moment. It went a little something like this......

Jason was out of town for two weeks, so of course this would happen when I was all alone and had no idea how to deal. I went to pick Bowen up one day after school like usual. The normal teacher was there and then Miss Justice was there...she is usually gone by then, but I thought maybe they had just been busy or something. So I pick Bowen up and am ready to walk out the door when I hear this....

"Sarah...I stayed late because something happened with our kids."

Instantly I got all sweaty and flushed and started thinking the worst things imaginable. I managed to say...ok...what happened.

"Well..it was during nap time and I was trying to get one kid to go to sleep, so most of my attention was focused there. I didn't even see this happen, but Miss Terry walked in and saw my daughter with her pants down showing Bowen her goods and Bowen pulling down his pants..."

Ummm...wtf.

"I have no idea why she would do this! I mean, her dad and I are never intimate in front of her or anything! I am soooo embarrassed and sorry!"

I was in shock. I mean 3 years old!?!? I thought this happened when they were like 6 or something!

"Miss Terry walked in and saw it and we both explained to Tina and Bowen that we keep our privates covered up in our clothes and we aren't supposed to show them to anyone. Anyways, I am really embarrassed about all of this...I just wanted to let you know what happened."

So I finally speak up...sorta..because I don't know how to handle this. "Well..it was bound to happen I guess. Sorry your daughter had to be disappointed with her first look at manhood. Oh well...its always something right?"

And I grabbed Bowen and went to the car. I mean...wtf. Seriously. I know kids are curious and all that jazz. Bowen's hand is always down his pants..so I should have been expecting this. But of course, I thought I had a few years to prepare myself. Maybe we need to start discussing the birds and the bees??? (kidding of course)

Opposites Attract

I am not a shy person. (ok sometimes I get shy..but not often) I have no problem talking about bodily functions, the gross parts of being pregnant, and giving birth. I was pretty much always this way, but it has definitely gotten worse since I had Bowen. Once you have had 10 people in a birthing suite with you while you are exposed to the world, looking like hell, and crying, there is no turning back. And then when baby is here, you are doomed to have to walk around a store or restaurant with poop or puke all over you...it is destined to happen. Anyways, the point is, I have no shame, I am loud and obnoxious, and don't embarrass easily. But I am living with a man who is the opposite. (but I love him anyways)

So last night we were getting ready for bed and Jason went to the bathroom. (I was assuming to pee) Here is how our conversation went (sorta):

Me: Why don't you pee with the door open?

J: I'm not peeing, I'm brushing my teeth!

Me: Ok whatever, why don't you pee with the door open? I have seen it before. ((yea yea...we didn't wait till marriage..ooops...))

J: I don't think it is polite to pee with the door open. I don't want you to drop a deuce with the door open.

Me: Well I would never poo with the door open. SOME things are private. But really..I pee with the door open...you have seen it all before. Its not gross its just normal.

J: I just don't feel comfortable with it. That is it!

Me: Well when are you going to be comfortable? Like when are we going to reach the stage when I can fart in front of you? Sometimes I am gassy and I have to do it and it is getting really hard to hold it all in. ((This was said bc I knew it would make him MORE uncomfortable and it worked...not bc I really had to fart. I didn't. Swear.))

J: Omg Sarah we are not talking about this!

Me: Well I think its weird. And sometimes I just need to let one rip.

Jason rolled his eyes...and blushed a little.

Me: I feel a blog coming on about this....

(Atleast I warned him about the blog.)

So I don't get it. I was married before and I can't tell you how many mornings the ex would come in and pee when I was in the shower. (ok it was like every single one) Or he may be brushing his teeth and I would sit down to pee. Its just pee!! I mean yea it would be sick if he was going number two...but there was nothing dirty going on. And there was NO issue with the farting. I mean he would let em go at any time...yea it was gross. But most of our marriage I was prego so you know one slipped from me a time or two. Just saying. Don't be getting all grossed out, it is a part of life. And EVERYONE does it. Anyways...on to the next subject.

I am like an at-home stripper. (without the pole) I hate wearing clothes. Especially clothes that are not sweats and a tee shirt. The first thing I do when I get home is drop my bags and take off my shoes. Then I begin the strip. Sometimes there is a bra in the living room, sometimes a shirt comes off in the dining room, then pants in the kitchen. Anyways, basically, I am bound to be naked in any part of the house at some point during the day. Jason has more than once shook his head in disbelief (or something) or rolled his eyes when this is going on. One day the blinds on the sliding glass door was open and I was stripping in the kitchen (the laundry area is nearby so I can throw clothes into that area from the kitchen and get a snack at the same time) and Jason told me that the neighbors might see me! Well...its my house...and hey they might get a good show! Jason is never seen naked in a common area. He gets dressed and undressed in the bedroom or bathroom. Even after a shower he is in a towel until he gets dressed. We are exact opposites in this area.

And then there is my mouth! I have a filter, ya'll, I swear...it just may not filter as much as some people would like. Here is the thing, basically I tell you what I think. And no subject is off limits. Kama sutra may come up randomly...I am right up in the middle of that convo. Saggy boobs, cellulite, lap dance classes...whatever...I have no problem discussing anything. And of course there are those times when someone says or asks you something and..like I said...I tell you what I think. I am usually nice about it, but I tend to not put up with any bullshit. (ok sometimes I put up with it for a while...but it is bound to come out eventually) Jason is the most NON-confrontational person I know. (drives me effing nuts) He would walk 4 miles out of the way if it would make someone else happy. I am not that nice. (I don't like to walk...what do you expect?) I think it is admirable to have that much patience and be that nice. But that isn't me. Basically, if you screw me over, I am done. If you ask me a question, expect an honest answer. If you say something that is offensive, I am more than likely going to tell you how I feel. (and it may or may not include an F bomb) Since living with Jason I have ended up biting my tongue way more than I used to. Not with him, just certain situations that have come up. Jason may put up with something forever, but I can only handle things for a little while. If you aren't nice to me I can be ok with it for a while, but if it is still the same thing time and time again I am done. And when I am done...I am seriously done. Jason doesn't get that, but I don't understand his way of doing things either. But I love him for it. He doesn't say things when I would, he deals with a lot more than I would, and honestly, it is refreshing. He has patience and understanding that I don't necessarily understand, but (usually) admire.

Anyways...I am suuure we are not the only people like this. I mean...there are like 98 billion people on the planet, so there has to be atleast ONE couple who is this way. Right?? Anyways, it boils down to this...I think Jason is weird for being so private and quiet and non-confrontational, I am sure he thinks I am weird for being so open and loud and all-up-in-your-grill. But you know what they say...opposites attract. ((But for real, I just want to be present when he does let the filter go and flips out on someone. Seriously!!!))

My mini ME

I always heard that when you become a parent you end up paying for your raising. Why was this never mentioned until I was already pregnant?! I mean maybe...just MAYBE...I would have been less of a character. (I mean I have never been obnoxious or sarcastic or stubborn or dramatic or anything like that. Nope...not me) I am here to say...I am officially...paying for my raising. (or if you're from Texas, payin' for my raisin'..must be said with thick accent)

This has been apparent...almost from the beginning. Just not in such a high doseage. Bowen's morning issues definitely come from me and that shit has been happening since day one. Then there was his being held issues. (no, not the issue of me ALWAYS holding him) When he was an infant he never wanted to be cradled in your arms, he wanted to be up on your shoulder seeing what everyone was doing. Another one of my fabulous traits. Bowen is also known for wanting what he wants when he wants it with no questions asked. (now I dunno who he gets this from bc that is certainly not me) Well...now he is 3. And he is walking, running, jumping, climbing..and talking. This has created a whole new monster.

This morning I was trying to get Bowen to stop playing with his trains and come get dressed. Now normally I can threaten to leave him and he starts crying and running towards me. So I say, "FINE! I am leaving you!" and grab my purse and open the door. Right as I am stepping out the door I look back into his room and he is standing by his trains with a HUGE grin on his face and waving bye bye. It was hard not to smile at this, but I put on my mean face and told him to get his heiney to the living room NOW or I was gonna spank it. (ok ...fine...heiney was really ass and spank was really beat) I think he knows now that I PROBABLY wouldn't have done it. So he stood there and smiled. (damn that smile) I started counting. I even got to three (which is new...usually it is only 2) and had to start heading towards his door before he started fake crying and running towards me with open arms. Then he got dressed with no problem, except that he wanted his hat on backwards and he wanted to do that himself. (seriously..time was ticking and we had to go..I just wanted to help)

But really every single day it is something with this kid. Most of the time I have a hard time trying not to laugh (like when he dropped the f bomb or told Jason he was not bitchiness) and it is hard deciding how to discipline. So usually I ignore. (not saying that is the best thing)


Let me explain a little.


One morning (as per usual) Bowen was being a pain in my ass and I was trying to get him ready. I finally got him to get dressed and he looked at me and said (very seriously), "You cut it out Mommy! I say stop it now!" I don't even think I was talking to him at that point, just trying to get him to put his head through the right hole of his shirt. So...I stifled a giggle..and pretended it never happened. The thing is...the kid probably hears that exact same thing, but with his name in it, atleast once a day. Atleast we know he has the ability to remember things.

Then there is the band aid thing. He HAS to have a band aid every single night when he gets out of the tub. During the day (when I am home with him) there is usually atleast one time he falls or something and needs a band aid as well. He makes his bottom lip all pouty and looks at me with those big, blue, puppy dog eyes and says he needs one. Of course I get him one! It is a damn band aid...not a beer! Jason says he doesn't need one every time he asks..but seriously..I am too tired to fight that battle and if it makes him happy, and costs me approx. $1.68/week, then he can have a damn band aid. Anyways...back to the tub..the only way to get him out of the tub lately is to offer a band aid. Last night he had to put one on his tummy. Was there anything wrong with his tummy? Nope. But that is where his "boo-boo" was. All I know is...it is better than having to wrap him in ace bandages or gauze..so I will take the band aid theatrics.

Bowen has also started using his imagination. It is pretty damn cute actually. (Except when he is -very forcefully- telling ME to use my imagination) Lately he is different animals. And it always starts with a kitty cat. This weekend we were leaving to go somewhere and Bowen was a cat. He crawled across the cement and street (which was obv hot) meowing the whole time. I had my slow as mollasses child crawling across the ground meowing like a lost kitten and getting dirtier by the millisecond and Jason saying, "Oh honey, get him off of the ground!" Umm nooooooo! If he wants to be a damn cat, let him be a damn cat. He isn't crying or whining or on me. (It is annoying when I am at Buffalo Wild Wings trying to enjoy my chips and cheese and he is meowing and laying on me..but whatevs...I deal) Plus it brings me great pleasure when he is a frog and ribbits and jumps directly on Jason's stomach. Ahh...imagination is not such a bad thing.

Like I said before, Bowen wants what he wants when he wants it..and you better not question him. Every night Jason or I read him a story. Usually I do it. So we go to his room and lay on his bed together while I read stories. One night I was really tired so I thought it would be better (meaning I wouldn't fall asleep during Blue Burt and Wiggles) if I sat up to read. That shit was not happening. Bowen told me to lay down. I told him I wanted to sit up. He sat up in bed, tossed his blankies aside and looked at me...kinda mean. Then he pointed his finger at me and said, "Mommy you way down on my piwwhoa"...and when he said pillow he moved his little finger towards his pillow. Now even though he had spoken to me sternly, I couldn't help but laugh a little. I gave in and decided to speed read so I would stay awake since my weary head was on such a plush pillow.





The list could go on and on. Every day Bowen does something else that causes me stop and wonder what the hell happened to my sweet, QUIET, baby. And then start worrying about what I am going to have to deal with when he is a teenager. I don't see these moments going anywhere and I am positive my hands will be even more full the older he gets. But of course, I love it.

Snug As A Bug In A Rug

I like to snuggle. In fact, I sleep better when someone is in bed with me. (unless that someone is snoring) So it should come as no surprise that Bowen almost always is in bed with us by the morning. Before having Bowen I had never heard of this "family bed" thing. (or that there was a name for this shit) As a kid, if I had a bad dream and I was at my dad's house he would let me come sleep with him and my stepmom. Now if I had a bad dream and I was at my mom's house...I was shit out of luck. (she was mean! haha jk mom) Anyways, I always figured my kids would sleep with me if they got scared or had a bad dream..and I wouldn't have it any other way...I just didn't think it'd be every single night. ANYWAYS...the point is...I was talking to a friend who just had a baby and she is doing the same thing as I did. And I looove it. There is a lot of debate surrounding this whole kid-sleeping-in-your-bed thing (as there is with anything about kids) and it is nice to know I'm not the only crazy mommy out there.

Ok so here is how it happened.

When I was in the hospital after 26 loooong hours of labor and they took my baby away I had the weirdest anxiety because he wasn't with me. (the thing had been inside of me, using my body, for 40 weeks...it was weird being all alone) You know they let you room with your baby, but he was in a plastic bassinet (poor thing). So I started sleeping with him on my belly. So much more comfy. Then when I got home it just got worse. I tried putting him in his bassinet for the first couple of nights, but when he woke up for that first feeding I just fed him in bed and slept with him in my arm. (because it was 10000 times easier then moving to 5 diff locations)Then I would just feed him and then lay him on my belly while he had one hand in my shirt and one hand playing with my hair..so much easier.(seriously..he still plays with my hair...thank God he quit putting a hand in my shirt)

Then the ex came back from Iraq and I was crazy worried he would roll over on Bowen in the middle of the night. So every night he went to bed sleeping on my tummy (hand in hair), then I would put him in his pack and play. When he woke up for his midnight feeding I would get up, feed him, and sleep with him on the couch. (I think he was about 7 mths when I said eff all this, and just put him on MY side of the bed, which was against the wall, and barricaded so he couldn't fall through the crack)

When Bowen was 9 months old the ex and I seperated so Bowen and I slept together. But by this time he would suffocate me because he weighed so much, so he fell asleep laying in my arms. Then I would sneak away and leave him in my bed and snuggle with him when I was going to sleep.

THEN I decided this as ridiculous and started trying to put him to bed in his own bed. Omg...this was awful. There was a lot of yelling. (pretty sure my mom would sit in the living room and laugh during these times) After I moved out of my moms house I had figured some shit out. I started out by letting his sleep on his little couch in my room, but not holding him or anything. He still got in my bed in the middle of the night, but atleast we were making progress. Then he just started going to bed in his own bed and then climbing in my bed around 2 in the morning. It was fine and I liked having him to snuggle in the mornings.

Anyways..present day...he goes to bed in his own room after he has read 'Runny Babbit' and 3 to 7 (depending on how much of a push over Jason or I am) other books. Then sometime in the middle of the night he climbs into our bed. Then we snuggle in the mornings..depending on when he wakes up.

Bowen has his own pillow on our bed. It is right in between me and Jason. You would think he would use this pillow. But he does not. Instead he lays his big BULBOUS head on my pillow. This means that I have approximately 3 inches of pillow to lay my precious head on. And I am on the very edge of the bed. Sometimes an arm and leg even dangle off. Most of the time this causes me to lay sideways....which makes Bowen go sideways. (he has to have a hand in my hair at all times) Jason complains about this ALOT. He lays vertically, like a normal person, and then there are me and Bowen...laying all over the bed. My thought is...whatever I have to do to catch a few hours of sleep is what is going to happen. (plus it is a lot easier to kick Jason when he is snoring or his 4 alarm clocks are going off)

Anyways..I have read a lot of stuff about the family bed and then kids sleeping solo. I, of course, think that you should just do whatever works for you. No sense in stressing over the small stuff..especially when you could be sleeping!

I LOVE waking up to Bowen on the weekends. (ok most weekends) I love being able to snuggle with him when he gets cold (most of the time) and I seriously get worried and don't sleep well when he isn't in bed with me some time in the night. (all the time) Plus I love that we got to share the snuggly time all alone for that year...

And the great thing is..by the time Bowen starts sleeping all night long in his bed we will have another one to snuggle with! (well I hope...Jason isn't on the bandwagon for another one yet..but I am working on it)