One of the blessings...and curses...of living is that you learn something every day. Sometimes it is something small, like you can't put foil in the microwave, or something big, like how the smallest thing (be it words or actions) can stick with someone forever.
Today has been one of those days where I didn't sleep last night, which means I was thinking. A lot. And with my thinking comes reflecting on myself, my life, current situations, past situations, and everything in between. So last night has just continued over into today. And now I am realizing how much this affects my kiddos. Let me explain...
Throughout my life I have been told that when someone is being hateful or talking shit about me or being mean, that is doesn't say anything about me, but a lot about them. People who are negative and shitty towards another are often times just projecting how they feel about themselves onto another person. It really has nothing to do with YOU, but everything with how shitty they feel about themselves and where they are in life. Obviously, this is not ALWAYS the case...but often times it is.
Another good life lessons is, everything is relative. We all live different lives, have different views on situations, and think differently from one another. Thank God. Imagine how lame it would be if we all thought/felt/acted the same. But with that comes a shitload of misunderstanding, hurt feelings, and annoyance. I can tell you, when I was struggling with raising a kid alone in a state far from any family, working two jobs, coping with having a sick parent, dealing with an ex husband and a crazy/hectic relationship...I didn't really give two shits about some of the (what I perceived as...) petty shit people would talk to me about. Your biggest problem is whether or not to go on a date? Are you fucking kidding me? BUT. That was important to them. And thank goodness they didn't have to deal with the stress and anxiety and loneliness that was consuming me at the time. It is really easy to be all, "woe is me" and "I have it harder than you", when in reality, someone else is feeling the exact same way. We all just need to take a step back and understand that everything is relative. Just because we don't see something as important, to another person it may be a life changing situation. Perspective goes a long way.
Also, I read today that "we are not born with roots, we are born with feet, so we can move at any time". What a great gift to be able to change and grow. We are only human. We make mistakes. We do dumb shit. And that is part of life. The only REAL mistake we can make, is not working to better ourselves when we do aforementioned dumb shit. Every day is a day to grow and change. If you don't like something about your life, change it. There is ALWAYS something you can do. Don't like your job? Update your resume and start putting it out there. You might not find a new one right away, but you at least now have your foot in the door, instead of three blocks away. Not happy with how short your temper is? MAKE the decision to start counting to ten before speaking when you are mad, buy a self help book, join a group, get some counseling. It might be something tiny, but it can spark a whole new way of life.
I could go on and on and on with the little sayings and how they are relative to life, but I will spare you. Let's get into how this all affects the kids.
Once you have a kid, everything is about them. Everything. If we are in a shit mood, we can unintentionally take it out on our child. If we cuss in front of them, they'll probably end up cussing too. If we smoke/drink/do drugs, etc our kids will see it and think it is normal or ok. SCIENCE proves that shit, ya'll. Real life is not "Do as I say, not as I do". Real life means they see how we act and are as people, and inevitably take on some of those qualities.
Now no one is perfect. I am FAR from it. I cuss all the time. And my son has been known to let a word or two slip. I have a bad temper and yell, my kid yells. So yea, it sucks when they pick up on the negative shit we do...but we have the power to instill in them some seriously amazing positive things.
As mommy and daddy, we have to teach our kids that these bullies who make fun of them are probably insecure and that the problem is that kid. (And also intervene and take action when necessary) In fact, we should probably teach them some empathy for the mean kid. Maybe that little asshole really just needs a friend, or some positive reinforcement. We have the ability to teach our kids how to show compassion, even when it is hard.
A HUGE HUGE HUGE situation is the relativity. I cannot tell you how fucking annoyed I get when my son melts down over something little like making a 94 instead of a 100 on a test. It is still an A. THAT is something to be proud of. But to the kiddo that is a huge thing. He studied all week, knew the subject matter by heart, and then did less than perfect. (If you have an autistic gemini, this is some serious shit) So to us, it isn't a big deal, we are still proud, but to them it is a HUGE ordeal. Everything is relative. We may not understand how Amy saying she isn't friends with Suzy this week is grounds for a breakdown of epic proportions. But it isn't about us. It is about them. At some point that would have been a big deal to us too....remember that. It'll make your kid feel more loved and important and understood by you, which in turn, will help them come to you later about different/more important situations. (I read that in an article)
And finally...change. Change is good. Change is scary. Change is fucking hard. But we can all change. For better or for worse. I think that is such a wonderful thing to instill in our kids, that at any moment, we can decide to make a change and do something better with our lives. I can tell you, I have made a million changes in my life. And sometimes I failed, even when I had great intentions, but it was worth the lesson learned. Just because you fuck up, does not mean you are stuck there. Make the change and become better than you were the day before. My son had a meltdown of epic proportions last night and destroyed the lego train set he had been diligently working on for a week. I mean that shit is tore up. After his meltdown he was so upset that he did that. So I told him, it is ok, you made a mistake, and now we learn from it. Next time instead of wrecking your toys, go scream into a pillow or punch the couch. All we can do is realize we made a mistake and learn from it.
I am definitely not trying to be all Dr Phil. I fuck up with this whole parenting thing daily. However, I do know that as long as I am trying and working on myself, the good will come out in my parenting and in my child. Once we have kids, nothing is about us and every single thing we do will impact our child in one way or another. I have personally made it my goal to focus on taking care of myself and bettering myself this year (and every year after that). I know if I do that my parenting abilities will improve and my kid(s) will reap the benefits. I am going to screw it up some days and fall flat on my face at some point, but there will be those days when my kid gets it, sees the lesson in the struggle and it helps him.
My challenge to you...do something to improve yourself. Make a change for the better.
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