We have been childless for a week and a half now (thank you Nana), so my blogging has not really picked up yet for lack of inspiration. It has been a very mellow week and a half. A very nice break, but not something we are accustomed to at all.
But have no fear...as my significant other snoozes in the other room and I await the call to find out what time I can pick up my little boy, I have had some time to ponder on...the unthinkable. Well...maybe not unthinkable, but certainly something we are not "supposed" to speak of. Adult time.
I am not here to write the next 50 Shades (thank sweet baby Jesus, because I was LESS than impressed by that book), but to talk about real life. Being a parent changes your naughty time. A lot. And, from what I hear, it can become quite the issue.
Timmy and I never really got the "normal" sexperience. I had a 6 year old when we met, so obviously things were a little different from the beginning. There was no chance we were going to come home from work and strip throughout the house only to end in an erotic shower scene. Nope. That has never happened. We have a child. And three weeks after moving in together we were knocked up...which also changes things.
No one really talks about the hilarious and, sometimes, disappointing parts of sex that comes with being a parent. No one likes to be at the peak of penetration, only to have their little one tell them from behind the locked door, that they threw up. Or shit on themselves. I figure, what the hell, let's lay it on the line...and laugh.
First of all...pregnancy really fucks shit up in the sexual arena.
*First trimester you are pukey and tired and emotional. There is nothing sexier than puking up your berry oatmeal for thirty minutes and then climbing back into bed and kissing on your man's neck. Except for the fact that there may be an oat or two stuck in your hair and you now smell like a sorority girl the morning after her first kegger. And let's be honest, you probably don't want to kiss on your man's neck. Or any other part of him for that matter. HE DID THIS TO YOU. So not only are you barfing everywhere, you are angry and sad and crying over the sheets not being cold enough, and you need to hibernate...forever. Sex in the first trimester (at least for us) was few and far between.
*Second trimester holds some redemption. Thank the fuck. I know with this pregnancy I suddenly went from a double A cup (which means you fit into a training bar in the little girl's section at Target) to a full B in just a few months. Hello you glorious, boobs, you. But they hurt...like a mother fucker... Regardless, you got something new for your man to look at...and sometimes...play with. And you aren't as big as a bus yet. You may be sporting a little belly, but you can still manage to get into all those positions that really work for you. You aren't as barfy all the time and you have a smidgen more energy. All in all, the second trimester is the peak of sexual activity (at least for me...obviously there are some of you freak of nature perfect pregnant women out there) but by the time you realize you should have taken more advantage of it, it'll be too late.
*Third trimester...ughhhhhh. You are a whale. Well. I am a whale. Sex has gotten awkward as fuck. There is obviously something in between you and your loving partner. And it is this HUGE, moving, entity... I know personally, I do not feel sexy at all. I feel like no matter what position I am in, Timmy is looking at my martha (my double chin), and my vagina used to be this cute little thing..now she has gained some pregnancy pounds as well. Plus my once NICE ass is jiggly and my thighs, once again, rub together. It is REALLY hard for me to feel like a little sex kitten given my physical appearance. Not only that, but for me, the good times have not only become awkward, but a little painful. So half of the time my dude ends up with blue balls...and the other half...he has to handle me like a china doll. Not ideal. And not only that, we somehow went from two positions working for us, to one. I haven't got to lovingly gaze into his eyes in three months. All he has seen is the back of my head. AND honestly, for him, that may be for the best. I am a sweaty, giant beast...that ain't tha business. And finally..third trimester means labor is imminent. One SUPPOSEDLY great way to naturally induce labor is doing the dirty. So sex goes from a fun thing, to a serious mission. Don't get me wrong, both of us hit the "peak" if you will, but there is no lying, it is not the same as pre-pregnancy bumping and grinding. And I apologize, my love, but I just want this child out of me. I promise...normal sex will resume in the next couple months.
Now, for those of you who are past the pregnancy sex (lucky you) and now have small children running around, it is a whole new ball game. It is no longer about 9 long, steamy innings, but more like a sprint to the finish line. But a sprint that is filled with obstacles. Finding a spot you won't be disturbed in. Being quiet. Ignoring the diapers and wipes and pee-pee teepees in sight. Getting it done quickly...but not too quickly. And then, playing it off when your kid asks what the hell you were doing. (taking a nap, of course)
Usually you don't have an hour to warm up. At our house, we are usually very spur of the moment. The kid is deeply enthralled in a movie, he is at school and we happen to be home at the same time, those type of situations. SO you sneak off for a quick thrill. It is a rare time when you can actually spend the time exploring one another's bodies and kissing and touching and all those fun, passionate things you got to do pre-children. Not to downplay the quickie, as it can be some of the best, hottest sex ever, but it is different.
Or, when you are child free, you try to get all dirty and naughty like you used to, and you end up pushed up against the chore chart. Or your kid is finally asleep, it is relatively early, and you realize you are just too fucking tired to get it on. No shame. We have all been there. And that is what real life is like.
I will say this, on our last childless break for what I am sure will be a long while, we did have some time to get back to it. And, yes, it was awkward and limited due to this gigantic belly of mine, but it was also really, really great. SO...parents of the world...take it back to high school and do some making out. Feel each other up. And after the deed is done, lay in bed and talk. I can honestly say, it will make you remember what it was first like with your other half, and you may even appreciate them even more than you do already. A little nookie goes a long way.
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