Friday, January 9, 2015

39 Weeks (One Day) And Counting



Apparently blogging every day is not possible. Here I thought we were this intriguing family...but really we are just three people getting on each other's nerves and repeating the same routines on the daily. (Routines are key in an autism house)

Right now our biggest excitement is #BabyWatch2015. Our new addition is due January 15th, but we have been told numerous times that it could be any minute now. However, after 3 fake outs, and the belly only continuing to grow and make me more uncomfortable, I have decided he will probably never come out. I know I am not even past due yet (like a gallon of milk or something), but this has literally been the longest pregnancy ever. I found out I was pregnant basically during conception and it feels like I have been knocked up for 58 months. Seriously.

Now don't get me wrong, I am beyond thrilled and happy that I am pregnant. I know that MANY women can't have babies. In fact, I wasn't supposed to have Bowen, let alone this one. So I am not taking my bulging belly and fertile Myrtle status for granted. But, I am definitely ready to have a baby in my arms...

We have been trying to naturally induce since about 36 weeks along. We did an ultrasound and the baby was all formed and perfect and just plumping up. Perfect time to try the old wives tales. (Except for castor oil. I tried that with my first one...and fuck that...never again.)

First I started taking evening primrose oil. I used to take it when I was working out and eating clean and looking all fantastic. (I miss the abs. And the ass. And all of it.) Anyways, so I took one in the morning and one in the evening. I know you can insert one in your lady bits and it will dissolve overnight...but it kind of weirded me out. So I opted not to do that. The point of the evening primrose oil is to start thinning out your cervix...two check ups since I started this and I am only dilated to a one and not thinned out enough to even mention. So fuck you primrose oil, fuck you.

Then, we decided to start trying good ol' adult time. I mean we obviously never quit that, but now we can REALLY get after it. Or so we thought. Then the Texas chainsaw massacre happened in our (brand new, white bedding covered) bed and we had to go to the hopsicle for excessive bleeding..and contractions. After 4 hours they sent me home only dilated to a one and the encouraging, "We will be seeing you soon!!!" That was like three fucking weeks ago. So now we maintain a loving bumping and grinding and hope that the combination of O's and baby batter persuade my uterus to start seriously contracting and my cervix to start opening.

I have tried doing jumping jacks numerous times. Especially if I am already cramping or having contractions. My best friend told me this works. Unfortunately, the only thing it has resulted in is a steady stream of pee running down my legs and me sweating more than I already do. So sexy, right?

Spicy food was also something someone mentioned. I am not willing to try a ghost pepper or anything serious because I don't want my ass to be on fire IF I did happen to go into labor...but I have eaten some spicy food. And I only got heartburn and indigestion.

One weekend (the weekend of the massacre actually) we tried adult time...AND walking around the mall two days in a row. We walked for hours. My feet got all swollen and my back got all sweaty. I was having contractions so I got all excited. And then they just quit. Like always. I still walk...some days more than others...and it never gets me very far. (labor wise that is..) SO walking...is not working either.

Anyone who has ever been pregnant remembers how uncomfortable and miserable those last few weeks are. The kid is in your ribs and their head is in your vag and arms and knees are poking and punching you. You pee ALL the time. Often times on yourself. You are hot. And hormonal. I mean...really fucking hormonal. It is just time, ya know? The kid needs to arrive. For the prego's sake...and everyone else's. Because if you hear, "You STILL haven't had that baby yet?" or "Oh hunny, you are about to pop!" or even worse, "You are HUUUUGE!!!!" one more time...you may go postal and shank every single person near you.

So here we are...39 weeks, one day along, and baby boy seems happy as a clam, with no interest in evacuating any time soon. I think he is going to pull a Bowen and arrive on the day he is due...but, I wouldn't be too surprised if he was stubborn and we had to be induced because he is late. IF that does end up being the case, I really like sea salt caramel gelato and Sonic ice. Just help a sister out, because she is only going to continue to cry more and more each day that passes and a baby doesn't show up.

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