Holiday Havoc

Christmas has come and gone..and I have been meaning to blog about the joys of the holidays...but it has taken me a long time to realize what the joys were. I KNOW the meaning of Christmas is not about the gifts and shit, but I am just talking the holidays. The part of Christmas that involves shopping in crowded stores with bitchy moms, waiting 20 minutes for a parking spot at the mall only to have some a-hole swoop in even though you have your blinker on, driving 15+ hours to see family, getting sick the day before you leave, and not sleeping more than 5 hours in one night. That part of the holidays is what kills me...and makes me want to cancel the holidays forever. ((Plus there is the Christmas music which seriously makes me want to grab anything and stab my ear drums))

So...the week of Christmas Jason and Bowen decided to make the trek to Texas a little early. They left Monday morning....leaving me in Vegas until Thursday night. That is 4 days and 3 nights without my little love bug of a baby boy. Needless to say, I was a hot mess. I cried...a lot..and was mad at Jason for taking Bowen. ((lets not get into it)) I did get some shopping done and some cleaning. But really...it was NOT worth being without Bowen. I didn't get any sleep those four days and I cried a lot which meant I wasted a ton of make up.

And then Thursday morning rolled around. And my throat hurt, and I was congested and had the worst sinus headache of my life. Go figure. I got sick the day I was supposed to leave.

I made it to Texas...it was a long flight. The 2.5 hours seemed like 7 because I was sitting next to a dude who smelled like he bathed in a fountain of vodka, offered me licorice and candy bars, and (finally) passed out and snored louder than a freight train.

Anyways, we made it through Christmas. I got to see my fam and Jason's fam. Got some good shit, like a Victoria's Secret Gift Card, and an Amazon gift card, and shoes... There may have been an epic fail of a gift ((you know I HAD to say something)), but hopefully 2011 will bring better gift giving skills. Bowen got spoiled....we have more trains and train tracks than anyone should ever be allowed to have, but the kid loves it. And when he said, "This is the best Christmas ever!!" my heart of ice may have melted...a little.

And then came the 20 hour drive home...it was not fun. There was a lot of yelling, maybe a few tears shed. ((Not by me...nope..not ever)) BUT we made it back to lucky Las Vegas. Once I was home, in my own bed, and not stressed out, I realized how much I love my family and friends and how lucky I am to have them.

So next year...next year I am medicating myself with xanax and Jack Daniels. Should be a much less stressful holiday season. Filled with inappropriate words and gestures...but entertaining none the less.

Big Boy Words

We have a problem. A potty mouth problem. I know everyone knows that I cuss like a sailor. Its been like this for quite a while now and I don't see any major changes coming on. And apparently I have rubbed off on Jason. So that leads us to a problem with a 3 1/2 foot tall little boy.

Saturday (after the epic party of 2010) Jason, Bowen, and I were laying in our dark bedroom and I was talking to my bff Andrea about the night before's happenings. And Jason reads Dana's tweet from the night before. Where he, of course, drops an f-bomb. With a mother in front of it. So...Bowen repeats, "M-Fer". Andrea laughs, I said "OMG JASON!!!" and Jason laughs. Because it is really hilarious to hear a sweet little boy say that. Don't judge me. So then I told Bowen that that was a big boy word and he could not say it. We haven't heard it again...so I think we are ok.

Anyways...before I get too deep into this post. I don't want any advice. I don't want anyone telling me how bad I am or Jason is. We don't care what you think. (Well Jason might) And OBVIOUSLY we don't want out three year old walking around saying cuss words. If I wanted an opinion I would ask for one. Just keep that in mind. And lighten up. Have a giggle. And remember that you are not perfect and you did not raise perfect children. In fact, I am pretty sure this has happened to you too. So...keep that in mind when reading this any further.

So then we were playing in the living room and Bowen drops a toy and says, "Damn!" Ok really..damn isn't that bad. But once again...I explained that it was a big boy word and he doesn't say that. AND THEN..I was in the kitchen cooking lasagna. (Which was delicious just in case you were wondering) and Jason was doing God knows what in the laundry area, and Bowen was walking around the living room looking for something. And I hear a very quiet, "F*^$. F*^$." repeated. A few times. Now...I ignored it. Plus...he was very seriously searching for a toy. And I can tell you, I have repeated the same word in the same tone when looking for something. Like an earring, or my keys, or a credit card. So I went on cooking. And Jason bellows, "WHAT is he saying?!?!?". Thankfully for Bowen and I, Bowen went to his room to play and I just shrugged and said, "I couldn't hear him."

We made it through Saturday with no more cuss word outbursts. And then Sunday rolled around. We were driving to the mall and Bowen is in the backseat and lets out this big sigh with an equally exasperated, "Shit." It was like he was expressing what we were thinking. We were about to battle the Christmas shopping, evil herd of the Galleria mall. I was trying to contain my giggling and so Jason told Bowen that he could not say that. (pretty sure he followed that up with a, "Do you understand?" which Bowen probably said "Yes" to) And then Jason said, "Well I have to take the blame for that one because that sounded JUST like me." SEE!! Its not all my fault.

Anyways, we haven't got a call from daycare, so thats a plus. And its not like he says bad words all the time. I think this weekend he was just being extra..expressive. So whatever. I am STILL a firm believer that kids need to learn they can't say certain things. I am 2-freaking-4 years old and if I want to say shit, asshole, or f*^%tard then I am going to say it.

The Epic Christmas Party

SO....Friday night was epic. EPIC. Now normally I blog about my kid. But this is worthy of a blog just about me. And Jason. And Kid Rock.

Friday night was the Zuffa holiday party. I started January 7th of this year and had just missed the Christmas party of 2009. However, I have been filled in on it and it's happenings for a year now. I knew that this year the Christmas party would be just as bad ass as last years. And I was stoked.

Ok, so Friday night Jason picked up Bowen, and a pizza, and handled business with the babysitter. (Meaning, he told her the situation, time we would be home, etc etc..not handle BizNass..ya know...bc thats not ok) I got ready at work and stopped at the 7-11 nearby for gas so I could make it to Red Rock. After getting gas my car would not start. I was already running late so this was no bueno. I called Jason, he said try to get someone to give you a jump. Umm..I don't think he realizes what kind of peeps hang out around that 7-11, but it is certainly not somewhere I like to hang alone. BUT I was late to the cocktail hour and I needed help. So I walk into 7-11 and see a nicely dressed dude. (He wasn't bad looking either) I ask, "Hey is that your truck outside?" and he says, "No." So I said, "Well I don't really care what you drive, but can you jump me?" Well..maybe I should explain that I looked like I was ready for a night out at the club. So...maybe that should have been re-phrased. Anyways, the dude was nice and said for sure. I showed him my jeep and he said he would be out shortly. He came out, introduced himself, told me he worked for a car company, gave me his card, jumped my car, and I was on my merry way.

OK...so I finally get to the cocktail hour..only a few minutes late. And it was AWESOME. There was a bar made of ice. And a chandelier made of ice. An open bar might I add. And an amazing amazing amazing buffet. I mingled and decided to eat with Andrea...Jason was still MIA, but said he was on his way. ((Sorry J..but I had to eat because my first Jack and seven was already hitting me)) Jason finally shows up, eats, we go around and take pics at these little booths they have set up. It was a great night already. And then Dana announces we need to make our way downstairs to some lounge for a video presentation.

I knew about the video presentation bc I was in it and they told me. The Zuffa production team did a re-make of the The Night Before Christmas. So we make our way down to the lounge and watch the video..which was awesome. And a dj comes on. I was stoked. It was a great night already. I went to the bar to get another drink. (Don't ask me how many I had at this point..I am assuming...4 or 5) And Kid Rock came on stage. KID ROCK.

I love Kid Rock. Went to see him with my mom back in da day. Yep. KID ROCK. At our company Christmas party. I, of course, squeezed my way up to the front. Where I leaned over the stage and touched his leg. TOUCHED. HIS. LEG. Jason also noticed that we were standing like 3 feet away from Cindy Crawford. So he was stoked.

So Kid Rock played for like an hour. After that I got molested by a drunken female co-worker (Ok..everyone was drunk by that time..so its not like she was standing out) and was dancing. Went down the dance floor and me and Jason danced and danced and danced. And drank and drank and drank.

I think we made our way home around 1ish...I mean we had to pay a babysitter and all. I may or may not have taken a small snooze on the 30 minute drive home.

And Saturday I felt like someone had beaten my legs and feet with a baseball bat. BUT it was a good night. A great night.

And I know all you are jealous that you couldn't attend or be employed at such a bad ass company. (Unless you are of course, employed by the same company, and in that case, wasn't it an effing awesome night?!?!)

Boys Will Be Boys..Or Something

Raising a boy can be a lot of fun. I mean we get to wrestle and beat each other up. And he isn't afraid to get a little dirty. And he is a mama's boy. (def the best part) But then there is the other side of things...the gross side of raising boys. And they are gross.

So potty training is over and Bowen is officially in big boy undies all the time (except for bed time). But omg..why does he have to have his hands down his pants ALL the time?? I know I have said this before, it didn't go anywhere, but I think (because obviously Bowen didn't listen) it is worth repeating.

And I swear to Jebus I can bathe Bowen and 5 minutes later he smells like a boy again. None of that sweet baby wash, just weird smelling boy!! ((The kid is clean, trust me, I bathe him every night..but there is none of that sweet baby smell that I loved so much!))

And then there is the random/weird/unnecessary information boys like to share.

Here are a few things I have heard lately..

"Mommy...I picked my boogies out. Here is one for you!"

"Mommy...poop came out of my heiney. I wiped it though."

"Mommy!! I just tooted and it smells!"

"I need a diet pepsi and chips and queso! And hurry it up!"

"Mommy! My peeeeenis is hard!" (Seriously...wtf do you say to that?!)

And thats just a few of the things that have gone on in the past 10 days. I should have known things would get worse when he peed this morning. Here is why...

I made Bowen go potty and while he was pottying I was getting his tooth brush ready. However, Bowen has horrible aim and was peeing on the top of the lid and I told him to push it down..so he tried, but peed on the floor! So I said Bowen like this and tried to help him, but he smacked my hand and told me he could do it. And then started laughing and his little penis moved up and down, which not only made him laugh harder, but made the pee go up and down all over the toilet. I mean, this all happened in like 35 seconds. It was ridiculous. And it was like 7:30 in the morning. It was like a warning that things would only get more awkward as the day went on.

And then he was in the shower tonight. I had just shut off the water and was getting the towel ready for him and I look over and he is, as usual, "inspecting" his junk. And then I hear this, "MOMMY!! I have balls in my penis!!" Umm....ummm...I just ignored it. Then this, "They're like marbles!!! FEEL THEM!!" I told him no and to stop touching his penis and that he needed to get out of the tub so he could get a new band aid. Thank heavens the band aid distracted him from his testicles. Seriously..wtf...what do you even say to this? And dear God, please please please please don't let him say something about his penis marbles tomorrow at school. I mean if the teacher DOES tell me that a convo like that comes up I will just explain that he wants to know about his anatomy..I mean..wtf am I supposed to do? LIE? I don't think so.

Anyways..I know this will get worse. I have two little brothers so I know how boys grossness only gets worse. But seriously..I was not prepared for this. Those stupid what to expect when you have a toddler and how to raise a boy bullshit ass books don't talk about penis marbles. Or smelly toots. All I can say is, my selective hearing has GREATLY improved.

And what the hell..he is my first..gotta learn somehow. The next boy will be raised by a much more knowledgeable and prepared Sarah.

The Grinch Got Me

Christmas can be a lot of fun...when you aren't getting carts rammed into you at the local Toys R' Us, or getting the finger when you take the last of a certain toy, or getting honked at while driving in the ridiculous mall traffic. I mean..Christmas is supposed to be all love and holiday spirit and giving..but it sure as hell doesn't seem that way. So anyways, I get a little bah-humbug around the holidays. If it isn't for the shitty people, its the shitty music that really does me in. But this year has started to take a turn for the better and I even found myself wanting to make my own holiday wreath! (I know! Me being all crafty and shit! Who would have thought?!)

The day after Thanksgiving Jason brought my four foot tall (Big Lots bargain) tree into the house. Bowen was SO excited. And when I plugged it in and the multi-colored lights started shining he was stoked! I was stoked! And then I realized the cool teal and hot pink and glittery silver ornaments that I have had since Bowen's first Christmas were nowhere to be found. (They were also a Big Lots bargain, but dude, they were SO cute) So I resorted to hanging the hand painted, glass ornaments that my mom and grandma had given me. Bowen had a BLAST hanging the ornaments. Especially the one that plays songs when you press the button. ((I hate Christmas music..and of course..this ornament plays Christmas music)) Every night when we get home the first thing he does is plug in the tree. Its so cute!!

AND he knows about Santa. This year Santa is bringing him Rosie. ((DUH a train)) He even saw Santa and an elf in the aquarium at the Silverton and got to talk to him. (Unfortunately I missed out on this...Jason is a punk) And this coming Saturday we are going to the mall (bc Santa likes to see everyone at the local mall before his big night) to see the Big Man himself. I have an issue with grown men dressing up as Santa or the Easter bunny or whatever and having kids sit on their laps. Its creepy. Obviously they aren't going to do anything to my child while I am hovering..I mean standing..next to him. But its creepy.

But the big thing...the holiday tradition I love the most...he watched How The Grinch Stole Christmas ((the old school cartoon one)) with me last night. It was SO cute. He even got pissed when the commercials came on. ("Mommy where is the Grinch?" and "But I don't want Powwy Pocket..I want the Grinch!!") Anyways..the pic above is him sitting next to me quietly, and very still-ly (its a word..trust), completely taken back by the singing Whos in Whoville. It was the best moment ever.

So all in all..even though I hate the fact that Christmas music is playing in every effing store imaginable (it literally makes me want to slit my wrists) and that this time of year becomes "Tis the season..to be an a-hole"..I am super stoked about all that comes with Christmas. I can't wait to take Bowen to look at lights and I am SO excited for Christmas morning and the stocking opening.

And maybe tonight Bowen will sing me Jingle Bells (because his version makes my heart grow instead of the usual effect these songs have on me) and we can snuggle together again and watch A Charlie Brown Christmas or something holiday inspired.

Bring On The Garlic!!!

So. I hate to admit this. But I love the Twilight series. I know. I know. I am a bad ass. I am a take no shit type of girl. But I fell in love with the books immediately. (Read them all in a week) And have all the dvd's and may or may not have some Jacob and Edward paper plates in my cabinet. ANYWAYS....today I found something devastating out. DEVASTATING!!!

Bowen is Team Edward!!

WTF!! I know..I was shocked. Edward is like an over-sensitive, PMSing dude. And he is glittery...what kind of MAN is glittery? (unless he just left the strip club..then I can kinda understand)) I mean, Jacob, is all rough and tough, and hot and dark skinned, and filled with rage, and raw power, and is BUFF...and..well..wow.

So let me explain what happened.

I picked Bowen up from school and he had THREE band-aids on. Now..don't be alarmed. The kid can gently bump his hand on a table or something and need a band aid. But there was one on his neck..which was weird.

So after we finger painted and he took a shower, I made him take off the neck band aid so I could see if it was a real owie or not. I asked him what happened and this is the story he told me...

Mommy: Bowen what happened to your neck??

Bowen: A vampire bit me!!!!

Mommy: A what?!

Bowen: A vampire!!

Mommy: What is a vampire?

Bowen: It has sharp teef and scary claws!! ((And he showed me his teeth and his claws))

Mommy: Who told you about vampires??

Bowen: My Nana told me about vampires. And one BIT me on my neck. I need a band aid.

Can you see my dilemma?? My own child is now a vampire. A cold one. Sigh...wtf am I going to do??

I called my mom, Bowen's Nana, immediately and told her what he said. She laughed of course, and then blamed ME for watching Eclipse while he was awake. Ok dude, the only part he paid any sort of attention to was when the amazing, incredible, werewolves were on screen. So I am no way responsible for this.

But on a more serious note...what am I going to do with a vampire for a kid when I have made the decision to support the werewolves??