The Blog About Not Blogging

When I was growing up I had this image in my head of what my life as an adult would be like. Of course I was going to college and then marrying some dude I met while in college or right after landing this dream job that I scored because of my amazing degree and having kids and being a kick ass mommy/wife/lawyer-teacher-writer-thing. ((I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, so I had to leave that open ended...also, yes, that was poorly abbreviated. Suck it.)) Obviously...none of this shit happened. Well I was a wife for a minute and I am a mommy, so that part happened, but really, my life is NOTHING like I thought it would be. So here is my blog explaining why I haven't been blogging so people can quit asking me why I'm not blogging. ;-)

In the last month Bowen and I have moved. At first I loved this place, now, not so much. There is something weird about it. It is negative. I need to smudge or cleanse this apartment ASAP because ever since we moved in I have been in a HORRIBLE funk. And by horrible funk, I mean really dark place. I know I am not really rainbows and butterflies, more like cusswords and sarcasm, but I have been not ok. I cry all the time now. And I am not a crier!! And this, my friends, is why I have not been blogging. No one wants to read some depressed shit about how I feel like my life is a train wreck and I don't know what I am doing. I just read that sentence and want to un-read, so yea.

Anyways, Bowen does not handle change well and I don't handle change well (according to my therapist at least) so we are both a fucking mess. And really any time I am sad or whatever, the kid picks up on it (bless his heart) and that doesn't make things any better. So I really need to get my shit under control because my baby is about to turn five and start kindergarten and I want him to look back on his childhood and not remember his mom being a depressed lunatic. I just want him to remember her being a lunatic. 

So aside from my house being some negative energy pit, I have also been trying to figure out wtf I am doing. I seriously thought that by now I would have more shit figured out. Instead, I am trying to decide how to pay for Bowen's school for the next year and what to do about daycare during school holidays and if I will ever get cable again and how to do a better job at work and if I eat a poptart at 10:30pm does it immediately go to my ass and make me gain a pound? Plus, I am on my own 100% out here suddenly and it is kicking my ass. Some days you need help...and on those days...I gotta be my own help. In fact, the therapist pointed out last week that I really am out here 100% by myself and without anyone to talk to because no one relates. And I LOVE my friends, they are truly amazing, but we aren't in the same boat, so they don't get it. I don't understand their situations either, so I ain't mad at 'em. And honestly, I wouldn't wish my situation on people, so yea. I am ronery...oh so ronery. ((TEAM AMERICA))

Please, for the love of God, tell me that at least one other parent (single parent preferably) that this is normal and I am not a complete moron/shitty parent. I am just a little overwhelmed and I know any day now my big girl panties will magically come on and I will power through everything. I usually work better under pressure. So I'm not really sure wtf the problem is as of late. I know it'll get better and I will be on my ass-kicking track again. I think it starts with the cleansing of the negative energy in here. Who is coming over to smudge? Tomorrow. We need to do it tomorrow. Any takers?! 

Anyways, I will get back on the blogging about the fact that my son asked me if douche was a bad word, then telling me one day that being a girl and having a vagina seemed cool, and that being the worst mommy ever then the best mommy ever in one day is seriously emotionally confusing. I'll be back to that folks. Just trying to get my shit under control. 

I'm So Vain, The Song Is About Me

I am one of those people who thinks they are prepared for everything. For example, the SAT's in high school...I thought I had that shit down and didn't need to study. I was wrong. And I have completely erased my terrible score from my memory. Or another example, taking care of babies. I thought I knew all about them since I was the oldest sister of four. My kid was over eating and puking for like two weeks when he was a newborn. I couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong with him, then I finally realized he just needed a binky (after my mom told me). Anyways, before we delve too deep into the plethora of shit I have thought I was prepared for, but really wasn't, let's just get to the point. I thought I was prepared to have no hair. I was wrong.

I have had a huge wake up call on this whole lack of hair thing. For two months I told people, "Oh it is just hair...it'll grow back." I even said, "It is a small price to pay compared to what these kids go through." And while I still honestly believe both of these things, I also truly believe I look heinous.

I am not a cute bald chick. I definitely look like a boy. Thank God I am seeing someone or my chances of getting laid would go from the previous (being the pre-Jeremy) 12% to, at the very least, -12%. But that is neither here nor there.

So funny thing happened....as I mentioned before in my last blog, the big man at the office, Dana White, made a huge donation of $5000.00. I finally ran into him and was wearing a wig and he was like..what the hell? So it took it off and showed him my bald head. He loved it. He hated the wig. He was super cool and told me that I had a great head. (I've heard this a few times. Wtf did ya'll think my head was going to look like? Caved in on one side? lol) Anyways, I told him that I felt like a boy...he told me I did not look like a boy and rocked the look (pretty sure he was playing with my emotions! lol) and if he didn't think so he wouldn't say that. Then told me how cray it was for him to shave his head for the first time. Anyways..he told me no more wigs. So..I walked outside and put my wig back on. I was embarrassed!! lol Then he came outside and told me to take it off. So I did! (You don't want Dana pissed at you.) More conversation came about and basically he told me he made a huge donation so he says he better not see me in a wig at work. And I couldn't argue at all. SO since then...no wigs at work. And it is SO hard!! lol (But then I was upstairs outside his office today and he told me that he liked to see the no wig look, then rubbed my head, so it is obviously worth it!)

This very same day that Dana got on me about wearing wigs, the movie My Sister's Keeper (the book was even more amazing btw) came on and as sad as it makes me, I have to watch it every time it is on. When it came to the part where the main character didn't feel pretty (as she was trying to pick out a dress for a dance) it kind of hit me that I was being a little bitch. I mean this is probably how thousands of girls feel!! So I felt super guilty and it kind of put things back into perspective.

NOW...I still really dislike my lack of hair and feel really self conscious. BUT I know it is going to grow back, so I am feeling better about it. I really didn't think it would bother me that much, but it really has. So I am definitely not as great of a person as everyone thought I was. When I start to feel like shit about my head, I remember all the little boys and girls who don't have a choice and are sick on top of everything else and think they look ugly....when really..they are the true heroes and most beautiful people ever.

On the positive side...on days like today when I wake up 15 minutes before I need to leave the house, the lack of hair really helps!! Also...I am saving a TON of money on hair products, cuts, and colors. Money that can go towards high heels. Which we all know I need more of.

Bald, But Not So Brave

I have started and stopped, typed and deleted, and opened and closed this blog about 16 times. I have been trying to do this for over a week now and it isn't coming together like I wanted it to. Writers block already and I'm not even a real writer. It is pathetic.

As you can see from the picture above, I am bald. In January I joined the St Baldrick's fundraiser in an effort to raise money to find a cure for childhood cancer. The incentive to donating money is that I will shave my head. People donated (Thank you all SO much) and I shaved my head. I raised $6,040.00 (HUGE shout out to Dana White for donating 5g's!! How awesome is my boss??) and the St Baldrick's fundraiser that I participated in raised $233,733.00. And that was just ONE venue in this HUGE fundraiser. So we did good.

I would like to say that I did something amazing. That it was inspiring and did some good. But I don't exactly feel that way.

This is how I feel....

I met my best friend in third grade. She came into my class wearing a hat over her bald head. I heard she had cancer, but at 9 years old I didn't understand it. I had no clue what white blood counts were or the immensity of chemotherapy. I just knew she was a cool girl who got to wear hats, had the best clothes, and was nice. This little girl changed my life forever.

Kayleigh was diagnosed with neuroblastoma at 16 months old. Most of your reading this are parents, so I want you to stop and think about this for a second. Imagine your baby at 16 months. Hell, imagine your baby now, whether they are 6 months old or 26 years old. What if that was YOUR baby getting diagnosed with cancer? I can't imagine. It pains me to even think about my kid having the flu, let alone cancer.

Anyways...the fact of the matter is...I spent summers jumping on a trampoline with her, played Barbies with her, and had so many sleepovers with her that I was probably at her house more than I was at my own. (Sorry Dori and Dan!! lol) She never once complained about being sick or tired. I never saw her cry or get mad about the disease she had. I never heard her say she was scared to die, or that she even might die. I never heard her talk about the fact that when she got older the chemo may have ruined her chances to have babies. Or even the fact that she might not live to see that day. I mean really? I know I complain any time I have a freakin' runny nose, this chick was taking medicine that is poison to your system, she didn't say a thing. She was brave. And amazing.

The St Baldrick's website always told us shavees that we were heroes...but in all honesty, we aren't. We are not heroes. We are raising money for a cause that needs it. We shaved our heads when thousands of little kids don't have a choice. These kids not only lose the hair on their heads, but their eyebrows and eyelashes. We had a choice. They did not. It doesn't make us brave or heroes to shave our heads...it makes us lucky. Lucky that we can do this. Lucky that we have choices like this.

Cancer is an awful disease. It is heart breaking to hear of anyone getting diagnosed with it no matter what the age. What is really awful are these innocent children who are diagnosed and have not even had the chance to experience life. I think about Kayleigh and how she missed out on junior high and high school, prom, finding love, having her dream wedding, and experiencing the amazing rush of holding your baby for the first time. Things that girls dream about from the age of three. She is my reason for shaving my head. She is the reason for raising money to find a cure for a disease that is stealing the lives of little kids who deserve a chance. Who deserve to see all of the things we take for granted.

Once again...thank you to everyone who donated. And thank you all for your support. I might sound like being bald is no big deal, but it has definitely been a big change. (I'll blog more about that eventually) And if anything, I hope this at least makes you stop and think for a few minutes about how lucky and blessed you really are. And if you have babies...send them a text, give them a call, hug them extra tight...because they deserve it and because no one is promised tomorrow.

Glitter, Hearts, & A Lonely Bed

For about a month now I have been happier than ever. Scary happy. Like even my threats to punch people in the throat have significantly decreased. (I did, however, threaten to stab someone in the eye with my high heel last week. But that was an extreme case. Obvi) I have been feeling like there are constant hearts and glitter and sunshine floating above my head. It is a little surreal. But I am soaking it all up like a sponge in my sink full of dishes. Needless to say, life has been changing at the Holmes household. And in a good way for once!!

One of the changes has been trying to get Bowen to sleep in his own bed through the whole night. I take the blame for him sleeping with me. I did start this habit. And I don't actually regret it. Either way, the change has begun. The first night I put Bowen in his own bed he cried. And told me I was the worst mom in the world. (I get that quite often) So it was a rough night and he ended up in my bed around midnight. Second night was not that bad, no tears, but he still ended up in my bed. Then he slept until 5am on his own! With the hall light on...and my bedroom door shut. Either way, it was a pretty big success in my eyes. So we have been doing this for about a week now and last night he slept ALL night in his own bed. Again with the hall light on and my bedroom door shut. BUT great success!!! We'll see how he does the rest of this week, but I have to say, we are off to a pretty decent start.

Other changes include...me shaving my legs on a regular basis, I have started painting (I suck, but it is kind of fun), and a generally less cynical and hateful outlook on life. Like I said, folks, big changes around the Holmes household!!

Anyways, since my bff has told me she misses Bitter Sarah and I make her puke in her mouth a little bit from all the sweet happiness radiating from my once lost soul, I will spare you all more details. But let's cheers our chocolate milk...or whatever you are sipping on...to getting Bowen to sleep in his big boy bed and maybe, just maybe, the hope that his mom can have a big boy in her bed soon! ;-)

Don't Buy Lotion If You're Single!!!

Today has been a pretty bad ass day. (Aside from some work issues) I am starting to finally feel better, Bowen and I went to breakfast in our pajamas, watched movies, played trains, baked cookies, had a dance off in the kitchen....

We also had to go to walmart for some groceries. We had a really intriguing conversation in that store.

Bo: Why are you buying lotion?

Me: Because I want soft skin.

Bo: You only need soft skin if you have a boyfriend. ((I stopped in my tracks and had to ponder this))

Me: Well...I don't have a boyfriend.

Bo: You should get one. And another kid.

Me: A boyfriend and another kid?! Well I have you...I don't need another kid.

Bo: Oh and a girlfriend. You need a girlfriend too. SO....you need a boyfriend, a girlfriend, and another kid.

Me: Wow. I am going to be busy.

Bo: Figure it out Mom.

We came home and watched a movie. I did some work. When it came time to cook I told him no more tv so we put some jams on. After we baked cookies and stuff he decided we needed to dance.

Bowen has some awesome moves. Pretty sure he thinks he is a breakdancer. No shit, the kid twirled on his head. It might have only been 3 seconds, but it was pretty bad ass. So anyways, we are dancing and Bowen decides he needs to run the show. A song comes on and he yells, "DANCE" so we both start dancing. Then he yells, "DRINK" and we have to take a drink. Then he yells, "Booty dance" and we both shake our booties. "DRINK"...."DANCE"...."DRINK"..."BOOTY DANCE"....."DRINK"...."DRINK"...."DRINK".....

Kind of worried. There was a lot of drinking going on. And then he'd come over to me, put his hand on my arm, look at me with those gorgeous blue eyes, and sweetly say, "You want me to get you a drink?" I feel like that won't be the last time he uses that line. Or those eyes.

Anyways, I better get off here. I have to find a boyfriend with a kid and a girlfriend. Plus I have been peeing every five minutes after all of our drinking.

The Joy of Raising My Boy

Raising a boy is a strange experience. Raising a boy alone is even weirder. Things go on in my house that baffle me. I literally have stood in my living room, jaw dropped to the floor, and been speechless. (Which is a very rare thing for me) Let me get into some details...

The other day I was wearing a dress and I needed Bowen to zip it up the rest of the way. It was an easy zip, not like I was squishing myself into it. So I tell Bowen to come zip up my dress and he says, "Seriously mom?? Shouldn't you have a husband to do this??" Umm...maybe I should. But I don't...so shut up.

For Christmas Bowen got a bike. He is a little pro with his training wheels on and rides like the wind. Bowen is also slightly obsessed with the show Ridiculousness on MTV. So we are enjoying some bike riding last Saturday and he goes as fast as he can, starts riding all crazy, and crashes. When he crashes he makes sure his fall contains a few rolls and a very dramatic final fall. When he gets up he said, "Did you video that?!?" I tell him, "No...why?" He gets kind of pissed and throws his arms up and says, "How am I supposed to get on Ridiculousness if you don't video anyfing?!?" (yes..with the f)

I was buying some sunglasses a couple of weekends ago and Bowen saw some Thomas sunglasses so, of course, we had to get them. Now he wears them all the time. He wears them to school and on the way home from school. Even when it is dark. We went to Chili's the other day for dinner and he wore them through the whole dinner. I said, "Hey dude, want to take your sunglasses off?" He says, "Umm no. I am pickin' up chicks like this."

Bowen and I were sitting on the couch watching a re-run of Ridiculousness and Bowen let one rip. It literally vibrated my leg. I said, "Bowen!!!" He giggled and said, "THAT was a grown man fart."

I have been sick for three weeks now. I am pretty sure it is the plague. So I was laying on the couch trying not to die and Bowen was laying on the other side watching a show. All of a sudden he says, "I am SO sick". I am thinking greeeaaaattt...he is going to blow chunks and probably has a fever and awesome..this is awesome. So I asked, "What do you mean you're sick?" He lets out a really big burp and says, "I burp a lot..it is pretty sick!!!" Ughh...really?? Should a 4 year old be saying stuff is sick? What's next, gnarly?

Bowen ran off to the bathroom to go pee and came out with no bottoms on. He has an evil little grin on his fat face so I KNEW something bad was about to happen. He says..laughing the whole time..."Watch me wiggle it!" And starts shaking his butt so his package would shake. Wtf? WTF? lol I yelled at him to go put his underwear back on right then and he giggled and shook his butt on his very slow walk to the bathroom.

Bowen is a big fan of popcorn...or copcorn (that is what we call it). So when he saw the commercial for copcorn chicken at KFC he had to have some. It just so happened that I felt like a big piece of shit, so I thought it was a great idea so I didn't have to cook. I got him his copcorn chicken and we came home. I asked if I could have a piece and he grabbed up the whole little box and said, "If you wanted some copcorn chicken you should have ordered some!!" It was like Gollum and his precious. So not ok.

Bowen usually takes a shower in my shower. It is easier, quicker..makes bed time get there sooner. And I am all about an early bed time. Bowen showered last night and I guess took a transformer in there. After I got him out of the tub and lotioned up and in jammies he said, "Hey mom...I left a transformer in the shower." I said, "Ok" He says, "Yea..he wants to shower with you. I told him it was allowed." So this morning when I got in the shower there was a Transformer sitting on the ledge staring at me. The sad part is..that is the most action I've got in a long time.

I can officially never have a little girl because I would have no idea what to do. I would have no idea what to do with a little girl. If it doesn't have to do with cars, trains, people getting kicked in the nuts, or gross bodily functions, then I am at a loss.

I Am The Worst..Officially

I remember when I was a kid and I thought my parents were the meanest people ever. For example...they would never let me get my own phone line. I thought they were SO mean for that. All my friends had their own phone lines. But me...nope. If I got a phone call after 10pm I got in trouble. ((I mean...it wasn't like I dialed my own number)) Or how they wouldn't let me walk from the movie theatre to Rosa's on the weekends. ((I did a few times anyways...oops..lol)) I could go on and on about all of the MEAN, horrible things my parents did to me when I was growing up, but I am sure that would cause some psychological stress or something. (haha) Anyways, the tables have turned and I am now the mean parent.

It seems like every time I turn around I am listening to a whiney/pissed voice say, "THIS IS THE WOOOOOORST!!!"

Here are some of our recent conversations:

Me: Bowen, you need to get up.

Bo: Do we have school today?

Me: Yes.

Bo: ::whimpering::: This is the WORST!!

Me: Bowen, time to get in the tub.

Bo: Ughhh!!!! This is the worst!!!

Me: Hey dude, you need to put your shoes on.

Bo: THIS. IS. THE. WORST.

Bo: Can I have a happy meal?

Me: No. You got in trouble at school today, so no.

Bo: MOOOOMMY! ((CRYING)) DIS is the worst!!!

So..as you can see...I am the worst. Everything is the worst. Life is the worst.

I really just want to say to him, "Cheer up, buttercup. Things really will get much worse. You'll have health problems and bills and ex's to look forward to." I don't though. Only because the "Why's" will begin.

Now I know how it feels to be the bad parent. The mean one. Granted, I have always been the mean parent because I'm the only parent. It actually just gets easier, I think. I am not even being a really mean mom yet, so the best (worst?) is yet to come. He better just wait until the grounding for weeks comes! Or the yelling at him in front of his friends! ((What? No..my eye is not twinkling!!))