The Joy of Raising My Boy

Raising a boy is a strange experience. Raising a boy alone is even weirder. Things go on in my house that baffle me. I literally have stood in my living room, jaw dropped to the floor, and been speechless. (Which is a very rare thing for me) Let me get into some details...

The other day I was wearing a dress and I needed Bowen to zip it up the rest of the way. It was an easy zip, not like I was squishing myself into it. So I tell Bowen to come zip up my dress and he says, "Seriously mom?? Shouldn't you have a husband to do this??" Umm...maybe I should. But I don't...so shut up.

For Christmas Bowen got a bike. He is a little pro with his training wheels on and rides like the wind. Bowen is also slightly obsessed with the show Ridiculousness on MTV. So we are enjoying some bike riding last Saturday and he goes as fast as he can, starts riding all crazy, and crashes. When he crashes he makes sure his fall contains a few rolls and a very dramatic final fall. When he gets up he said, "Did you video that?!?" I tell him, "No...why?" He gets kind of pissed and throws his arms up and says, "How am I supposed to get on Ridiculousness if you don't video anyfing?!?" (yes..with the f)

I was buying some sunglasses a couple of weekends ago and Bowen saw some Thomas sunglasses so, of course, we had to get them. Now he wears them all the time. He wears them to school and on the way home from school. Even when it is dark. We went to Chili's the other day for dinner and he wore them through the whole dinner. I said, "Hey dude, want to take your sunglasses off?" He says, "Umm no. I am pickin' up chicks like this."

Bowen and I were sitting on the couch watching a re-run of Ridiculousness and Bowen let one rip. It literally vibrated my leg. I said, "Bowen!!!" He giggled and said, "THAT was a grown man fart."

I have been sick for three weeks now. I am pretty sure it is the plague. So I was laying on the couch trying not to die and Bowen was laying on the other side watching a show. All of a sudden he says, "I am SO sick". I am thinking greeeaaaattt...he is going to blow chunks and probably has a fever and awesome..this is awesome. So I asked, "What do you mean you're sick?" He lets out a really big burp and says, "I burp a lot..it is pretty sick!!!" Ughh...really?? Should a 4 year old be saying stuff is sick? What's next, gnarly?

Bowen ran off to the bathroom to go pee and came out with no bottoms on. He has an evil little grin on his fat face so I KNEW something bad was about to happen. He says..laughing the whole time..."Watch me wiggle it!" And starts shaking his butt so his package would shake. Wtf? WTF? lol I yelled at him to go put his underwear back on right then and he giggled and shook his butt on his very slow walk to the bathroom.

Bowen is a big fan of popcorn...or copcorn (that is what we call it). So when he saw the commercial for copcorn chicken at KFC he had to have some. It just so happened that I felt like a big piece of shit, so I thought it was a great idea so I didn't have to cook. I got him his copcorn chicken and we came home. I asked if I could have a piece and he grabbed up the whole little box and said, "If you wanted some copcorn chicken you should have ordered some!!" It was like Gollum and his precious. So not ok.

Bowen usually takes a shower in my shower. It is easier, quicker..makes bed time get there sooner. And I am all about an early bed time. Bowen showered last night and I guess took a transformer in there. After I got him out of the tub and lotioned up and in jammies he said, "Hey mom...I left a transformer in the shower." I said, "Ok" He says, "Yea..he wants to shower with you. I told him it was allowed." So this morning when I got in the shower there was a Transformer sitting on the ledge staring at me. The sad part is..that is the most action I've got in a long time.

I can officially never have a little girl because I would have no idea what to do. I would have no idea what to do with a little girl. If it doesn't have to do with cars, trains, people getting kicked in the nuts, or gross bodily functions, then I am at a loss.