Don't Buy Lotion If You're Single!!!

Today has been a pretty bad ass day. (Aside from some work issues) I am starting to finally feel better, Bowen and I went to breakfast in our pajamas, watched movies, played trains, baked cookies, had a dance off in the kitchen....

We also had to go to walmart for some groceries. We had a really intriguing conversation in that store.

Bo: Why are you buying lotion?

Me: Because I want soft skin.

Bo: You only need soft skin if you have a boyfriend. ((I stopped in my tracks and had to ponder this))

Me: Well...I don't have a boyfriend.

Bo: You should get one. And another kid.

Me: A boyfriend and another kid?! Well I have you...I don't need another kid.

Bo: Oh and a girlfriend. You need a girlfriend too. SO....you need a boyfriend, a girlfriend, and another kid.

Me: Wow. I am going to be busy.

Bo: Figure it out Mom.

We came home and watched a movie. I did some work. When it came time to cook I told him no more tv so we put some jams on. After we baked cookies and stuff he decided we needed to dance.

Bowen has some awesome moves. Pretty sure he thinks he is a breakdancer. No shit, the kid twirled on his head. It might have only been 3 seconds, but it was pretty bad ass. So anyways, we are dancing and Bowen decides he needs to run the show. A song comes on and he yells, "DANCE" so we both start dancing. Then he yells, "DRINK" and we have to take a drink. Then he yells, "Booty dance" and we both shake our booties. "DRINK"...."DANCE"...."DRINK"..."BOOTY DANCE"....."DRINK"...."DRINK"...."DRINK".....

Kind of worried. There was a lot of drinking going on. And then he'd come over to me, put his hand on my arm, look at me with those gorgeous blue eyes, and sweetly say, "You want me to get you a drink?" I feel like that won't be the last time he uses that line. Or those eyes.

Anyways, I better get off here. I have to find a boyfriend with a kid and a girlfriend. Plus I have been peeing every five minutes after all of our drinking.

The Joy of Raising My Boy

Raising a boy is a strange experience. Raising a boy alone is even weirder. Things go on in my house that baffle me. I literally have stood in my living room, jaw dropped to the floor, and been speechless. (Which is a very rare thing for me) Let me get into some details...

The other day I was wearing a dress and I needed Bowen to zip it up the rest of the way. It was an easy zip, not like I was squishing myself into it. So I tell Bowen to come zip up my dress and he says, "Seriously mom?? Shouldn't you have a husband to do this??" Umm...maybe I should. But I don't...so shut up.

For Christmas Bowen got a bike. He is a little pro with his training wheels on and rides like the wind. Bowen is also slightly obsessed with the show Ridiculousness on MTV. So we are enjoying some bike riding last Saturday and he goes as fast as he can, starts riding all crazy, and crashes. When he crashes he makes sure his fall contains a few rolls and a very dramatic final fall. When he gets up he said, "Did you video that?!?" I tell him, "No...why?" He gets kind of pissed and throws his arms up and says, "How am I supposed to get on Ridiculousness if you don't video anyfing?!?" (yes..with the f)

I was buying some sunglasses a couple of weekends ago and Bowen saw some Thomas sunglasses so, of course, we had to get them. Now he wears them all the time. He wears them to school and on the way home from school. Even when it is dark. We went to Chili's the other day for dinner and he wore them through the whole dinner. I said, "Hey dude, want to take your sunglasses off?" He says, "Umm no. I am pickin' up chicks like this."

Bowen and I were sitting on the couch watching a re-run of Ridiculousness and Bowen let one rip. It literally vibrated my leg. I said, "Bowen!!!" He giggled and said, "THAT was a grown man fart."

I have been sick for three weeks now. I am pretty sure it is the plague. So I was laying on the couch trying not to die and Bowen was laying on the other side watching a show. All of a sudden he says, "I am SO sick". I am thinking greeeaaaattt...he is going to blow chunks and probably has a fever and awesome..this is awesome. So I asked, "What do you mean you're sick?" He lets out a really big burp and says, "I burp a lot..it is pretty sick!!!" Ughh...really?? Should a 4 year old be saying stuff is sick? What's next, gnarly?

Bowen ran off to the bathroom to go pee and came out with no bottoms on. He has an evil little grin on his fat face so I KNEW something bad was about to happen. He says..laughing the whole time..."Watch me wiggle it!" And starts shaking his butt so his package would shake. Wtf? WTF? lol I yelled at him to go put his underwear back on right then and he giggled and shook his butt on his very slow walk to the bathroom.

Bowen is a big fan of popcorn...or copcorn (that is what we call it). So when he saw the commercial for copcorn chicken at KFC he had to have some. It just so happened that I felt like a big piece of shit, so I thought it was a great idea so I didn't have to cook. I got him his copcorn chicken and we came home. I asked if I could have a piece and he grabbed up the whole little box and said, "If you wanted some copcorn chicken you should have ordered some!!" It was like Gollum and his precious. So not ok.

Bowen usually takes a shower in my shower. It is easier, quicker..makes bed time get there sooner. And I am all about an early bed time. Bowen showered last night and I guess took a transformer in there. After I got him out of the tub and lotioned up and in jammies he said, "Hey mom...I left a transformer in the shower." I said, "Ok" He says, "Yea..he wants to shower with you. I told him it was allowed." So this morning when I got in the shower there was a Transformer sitting on the ledge staring at me. The sad part is..that is the most action I've got in a long time.

I can officially never have a little girl because I would have no idea what to do. I would have no idea what to do with a little girl. If it doesn't have to do with cars, trains, people getting kicked in the nuts, or gross bodily functions, then I am at a loss.

I Am The Worst..Officially

I remember when I was a kid and I thought my parents were the meanest people ever. For example...they would never let me get my own phone line. I thought they were SO mean for that. All my friends had their own phone lines. But me...nope. If I got a phone call after 10pm I got in trouble. ((I mean...it wasn't like I dialed my own number)) Or how they wouldn't let me walk from the movie theatre to Rosa's on the weekends. ((I did a few times anyways...oops..lol)) I could go on and on about all of the MEAN, horrible things my parents did to me when I was growing up, but I am sure that would cause some psychological stress or something. (haha) Anyways, the tables have turned and I am now the mean parent.

It seems like every time I turn around I am listening to a whiney/pissed voice say, "THIS IS THE WOOOOOORST!!!"

Here are some of our recent conversations:

Me: Bowen, you need to get up.

Bo: Do we have school today?

Me: Yes.

Bo: ::whimpering::: This is the WORST!!

Me: Bowen, time to get in the tub.

Bo: Ughhh!!!! This is the worst!!!

Me: Hey dude, you need to put your shoes on.

Bo: THIS. IS. THE. WORST.

Bo: Can I have a happy meal?

Me: No. You got in trouble at school today, so no.

Bo: MOOOOMMY! ((CRYING)) DIS is the worst!!!

So..as you can see...I am the worst. Everything is the worst. Life is the worst.

I really just want to say to him, "Cheer up, buttercup. Things really will get much worse. You'll have health problems and bills and ex's to look forward to." I don't though. Only because the "Why's" will begin.

Now I know how it feels to be the bad parent. The mean one. Granted, I have always been the mean parent because I'm the only parent. It actually just gets easier, I think. I am not even being a really mean mom yet, so the best (worst?) is yet to come. He better just wait until the grounding for weeks comes! Or the yelling at him in front of his friends! ((What? No..my eye is not twinkling!!))

The Ugly Truth

Every parents will admit that their kid is cute, smart, funny, and that being a parent is pretty awesome. But not every parent will admit that their kid, at some time, annoys the shit out of them. And trust me, their kid does annoy them at some point. Yes being a parent is an amazing, wonderful thing. It is a bond that can't be described in words. But...like all things you love...at one time or another, that thing you love more than anything in the world, drives you fucking nuts.

I love Bowen...I have written blogs about how amazing being a mom is, how Bowen is my reason for living. And I love Bowen more than anything in the whole wide world and would do anything and everything for him. But Bowen can be...a lot to handle some times.

Bowen's new thing is, "I can handle it". If something is too hot to eat and I remind him to blow on it before he eats it, he says, "MOM...I can HANDLE it." Fiiine. Burn your mouth. And don't cry to me when it happens. If he wants to have a cookie before dinner and I tell him no because he needs to eat dinner first he says, "I can handle it mom. I can eat a cookie and then handle my dinner." Or he wants to get a game out of the top of the closet where 400 things are stacked on top of it. I ask Bowen to let me help him and he, of course, chimes in, "I can handle it by myself!!" But I stand around the corner so when he tries and has three boxes fall on him I can come save the day. I hear "I can handle it" like 47 times a day. And I am SURE he can handle it. But I don't necessarily want him to. (He isn't supposed to be this grown up yet!)

And now he has attitude. I didn't think this happened until the teenage years. But boy was I wrong. Someone, named Bowen Holmes, can get a tone in 1.4 seconds and it usually isn't a nice one. So when I hear that I obviously tell him to cut the tone out. Ok...let me just explain. Friday I decided to take Bowen to the Magical Forest. I told Bowen I had a surprise to take him to. He saw the lights when we showed up and then the train and was stoked. We saw Santa, looked at lights, rode the train and the carousel. Then it was time to get our frozen asses into the car and go home. So we were in the car on our way to McDonalds (Since it was 830 and he hadn't eaten yet) and I asked Bowen if he had fun. "Yea...I guess...but it wasn't a surprise.", he answered sounding like a 15 yr old I just dragged to Dora on Ice. I said, "Yea it was...you didn't know you were going. It was fun! Did you like talking to Santa?" He gets really annoyed and says, "No. I didn't like it at all. I just want to go home." So...I may or may not have told him he was being a little shit and if that was the way he was going to act then we wouldn't do anything fun again. He apologized. I apologized. But STILL. Really??? I spent $40 bucks I didn't really have on taking him out to something MOST kids love and then he wants to be an asshole when we leave. It really pisses me off. (Obviously) So he needs to pipe the 15 year old attitude down and realize that his mom is trying. (Because I REALLY am trying!!)

Since Bowen is an only child and I am the only person at home with him, he gets my undivided attention like 90% of the time. It is very rare that I even get to watch a movie that I want to watch until Bowen is sleeping...but this weekend I turned a movie on downstairs for Bowen and I went upstairs to watch a movie. Bowen was upstairs every 5 minutes for the most ridiculous things. "Mommy, did you know that bugs..umm...bugs...have legs..and they..umm..they crawl." And then, "Mommy...umm Mommy...Mommy..I have..umm I have teeth". So I gave up on the movie. Or when I was hanging up Christmas lights he was trying to push over the ladder. Ok..listen the ladder is like 4 feet tall, so if I did fall, it wouldn't be the worst fall ever...but still! Or ANY TIME I am on the phone he decides to talk. Or I am doing my Jillian Michaels work out and he drops a weight on my foot when he was trying to show me how to do the work out. I know every other mom out there has had some form of this happen. Every single parent has. And what do we do?? We handle it. ((Because we HAVE to lol)) And we don't watch movies, and we risk breaking our necks to hang up lights because we know our baby will LOVE it and we apologize to our friends/coworkers/family a jillion times when we are on the phone. Because, as a parent, that is what ya gotta do.

But...we can admit it is annoying as shit. We can admit that some days our kids get on our damn nerves. I mean, our kids sure will (If they haven't already) be the first ones to tell you that you are annoying or pissing them off. Being a parent is rough. Kids don't come with an owner's manual and it is never easy. Being a mommy is amazing. Most days. And I wouldn't trade being a mommy for the world. Any day. Now sometimes it takes until the very end of the day, when the house is quiet and I can finally breathe to remember it, but I always, always do.

Boobies, Bars, and Barfing

Well another Thanksgiving holiday has come and gone. And I thought about doing a cliche "I Am Thankful For..." blog, but I am sure everyone is as tired of those as they are leftover turkey. ((I sure as shit am.)) So instead of listing off every member of my family and Bowen and Diet Pepsi (among 3000 other things), I have decided to let you know what we did for turkey day.

On Tuesday I went to Bowen's school for their "Parents and Pies" Thanksgiving thingy. It was kind of lame, we all sat around and ate pie. During the pie eating Bowen pulled open my jacket and said, "Hey everybody, look at my mommy's big boobies!!!!" I knew I shouldn't have worn my cleavage showing shirt...but I was also a little hopeful there'd be a hot single dad taking notice. (No such luck) After my moment of being embarrassed it was time for the kids to make taking a 2 hour lunch worth while. All of the kids sat in a circle and said what they were thankful for. There were kids thankful for comic books, legos, God, Jesus, the stars and moon, and then my sweet little angel pie boy said, "I'm really thankful for my Mommy." OMG HEART MELTER!!! How sweet is that?! I mean...I think he had to figure out a way to get out of the dog house for the boob situation...and it worked.

Bowen and I went to Kansas for Thanksgiving. I haven't seen most of my family for like 3 years, so it was well overdue. I was SO excited to see everyone, nervous about traveling with my kiddo, and ready for a little mini-vacay. We had to be at the airport around 5am on Wednesday so my plan was to get a good night's sleep and wake up around 330. Umm..the sleeping did not happen. I literally did not sleep at all. I laid there with my eyes closed...and checked the clock every 17 minutes. We made it to the airport, Bowen was really good on the plane, however pissed that they didn't give him peanuts. He let the flight attendant know it was disappointing.

We made it to Kansas safe and sound...just a little bit tired. I was stoked to see my mom and sister and niece and the rest of the family. I was definitely looking forward to yummy food that I didn't have to cook!! And the drive from the airport to my mom's house ((the four hour drive)) made me realize how happy I am that I got the hell out of dodge. lol (Little town Kansas is good for a visit, but I don't think I could live there now that I have lived in Cali, Dallas, and Vegas)

Thanksgiving was amazing!! I got to see my aunts and uncles and grandma. The family is always entertaining and the food is awesome. I learned a lot about Nascar from my uncles, caught up on the family gossip, and watched the cutest niece ever dance around. We ate, went home and I took a little snooze. It was an all around great day.

Then Friday I went out with my cousin Chelsea. I had a few. I "stabbed" someone with a straw (I am trying to be more bad ass than I really am, it was a little poke lol) and then jumped over a bar to help the bartender only to get escorted out from behind the bar. So it was a good night. ((Seriously....bar owners in Liberal Kansas are so lame..where is their wild side?!?)) Anyways Chely Belly sure knows how to show a lady a night out on the town. I had a blast and it was some great cousin time.

Sunday rolled around and I have to admit...I was ready to come home and sleep in my bed and not have to listen to my son complain about his cousin ruining everything. Which was happening every five minutes. Our flight was delayed on the way home, but only by an hour. When we got home we snuggled up on the couch and watched movies. Ahhh...gotta love laziness.

I was SO tired I went to bed at 9. I was sleeping SOOOOO good. Until suddenly I woke up to the sound of someone vomiting....next to my head. And holy shit...it was actually happening. Bowen, my sweet boy, was spewing all over my bed. I finally got him out of the bed and headed to the bathroom and he collapses ((dramatically)) onto the carpet about a foot from the linoleum in the bathroom and barfs there. (For real...he couldn't make it 12 more inches to where it was easier to clean!?!?) I FINALLY get him into the bathroom and he refuses to puke in the toilet...it has to be into a towel. I mean COME ON!!!!!!!!! Anyways...we spent all night barfing into towels. It was quite eventful. Anyways, I think the puking stopped and we both fell back asleep about 7:30. Then when I woke him up at 9:45 ((I HAD to go get my laptop from the office and do some work)) he was perfectly fine.

Don't get me wrong..I was really worried about him and felt bad for him. I only had to do 4 loads of laundry and scrub 289 square feet of pukey floor...but he feels better and that is the most important thing. And I love his squishy little face.

SO......we made it to Kansas and had a good time. I was really excited to get back to Vegas for the first time in 2 years. Bowen got a gross tummy virus to top off the trip. And ya'll didn't even have to read another blog or facebook post about the 28 things someone else is thankful for.

When Geese Attack

Friday I had to take the day off because Bowen's daycare was closed. ((Seriously, they close for everything. Like MLK Jr day..who the fuck closes for that?! We live in Vegas for God's sake!!)) Anyways, after the crazy week I had, I was looking forward to chilling with my boy.

Bowen and I got to sleep in, which was awesome. Then we went to lunch with Reggie. Bowen loves Reggie. He kept trying to tickle him from the backseat on the way to lunch. He even acted awesome during the meal. I love Reggie and since he served our country, it only made sense to take him to out. Then after we dropped Reggie off at home, Bowen and I went to the duck pond.

The duck pond changed the day.

I had half a loaf of bread that was pretty stale and needed to be thrown out. Perfect reason to hit up the calm, fun duck pond. So we get to the park and go potty. (Thank God, because I may have pissed my pants in the next few minutes...) We walk up to the duck pond and there are tons of ducks and geese just hanging out. So I throw a few pieces to the animals and everything was going good. Bowen gets excited and wants to join in. Ok..Bowen throws some bread (Like a whole piece) out there and the ducks are happy, but the geese are slowly creeping closer, so we both scoot back. And in the next minute and a half was a flurry of bread being thrown as far as I could throw it so the birds would back the fuck off and us taking gigantic steps backwards.

One goose was giving me the evil eye. I think it smelled blood and wanted to fucking eat me. So Bowen is getting freaked out because the geese are as tall as he is and getting awful close. So I throw some more bread and a goose literally is two inches from me so I swing my bread bag at its head and tell Bowen we gotta go. That damn goose was retaliating. It made some ridiculous sound and started lunging it's head at my arm. I threw the rest of the bread on the ground and Bowen and I ran.

Bowen is yelling, "RUN MOMMY!!! THEY ARE GOING TO EAT US!!!!" And I was laughing so hard at the ridiculous situation going on, but also because I don't want to get bit by the goose chasing me. We were literally running for our lives.

So we make it to the end of the walkway and are laughing and I see a little boy crying. He saw the entire thing and was telling his mom, "Don't make me go over there!!!"

Bowen and I walk back to our car and he tells me that he does not want to feed the ducks anymore. From now on he just wants to go to the park, not the duck pond. I, of course, acted brave, but I sure as shit don't want to go back either. That is NOT cool. Damn ducks attacking people. The City of Las Vegas needs to be doing something about that.

The Inner Calm

Someone told me that 25 was the age where you really figure yourself out and what you want out of life. I always thought I was ahead of the game..had things more figured out than people my age...and in some ways I did. This year has been one of those years where I look back and say, "DAMN!"

For the first time in a really long time I finally feel at peace. Like things are going to be ok and I am finally happy. I don't have a lot of money, I have some seriously rough days, and there are nights where tears cover my cheeks before I fall asleep, but I know I am going to be ok. And it is the first time I can actually say this.

I have decided to let it all go. I can't control the future or what people are going to do, I can just control how I react. Now I'm not saying I will always react in the correct way or that I am suddenly perfect, but I think this is the first step to my life falling into place.

I am still figuring out how to handle Bowen handling the break up. It is getting easier..well maybe not easier, but more normal (which is sad), to have to handle the "Where is my Daddy?", or "You're mean because you won't let my Daddy stay here!", and my personal fav, "I want my Daddy not you!". It sucks...it breaks my heart...but Bowen is going to be ok. Right now I know he is sad, but all I can do is be there for him. All I can do is be the best mom I know how to be and hope that he understands when he is older why I did what I did and be ok with it. ((Honestly, he doesn't have a choice, he is gonna have to suck it up and deal with his mom not being Suzy Homemaker! lol))

And as far as no money goes...story of my life. lol Bowen doesn't really eat that much (damn picky kid) so that helps with the grocery bill. My new car gets better gas mileage than the old mommy mobile, so if gas prices would go down, I'd be good to go. I'm paying my bills, I've got a roof over our heads, and a job.

Speaking of jobs, my job is awesome. I am so blessed to work for such an awesome company and work with such a great group of people. If I didn't work with the team I do, I don't know if I'd have made it through the last few months. And not only that, but the guys we work with are (for the most part) so sweet. I mean, they honestly make your day worth while. Not only that, but it has seriously increased my problem solving skills. Because that is what we do. I book flights and travel, send off hotel information when needed. But what we really wait for is the problem, and then we jump on the problem and solve it. A guy misses his flights, you have to fix it, get him on the next available flight, make sure he gets his ass on that flight, tell the guy's picking him up from the airport, etc etc... It has really helped me with this whole only being able to decide how to react type of thing. ((Of course my reactions may include some yelling and cussing...on the home front or job front..but decisions are made!!))

A few people have asked if I am thinking about dating. And I did...for like a day...even started an eHarmony profile (but then I saw how expensive that shit was, saw the $6 in my account and stopped lol) However, I just quit thinking about it. I have thought I found "the one" twice. That shit bombed twice. And now that the last one is affecting my kiddo, I am obviously only thinking about that. I waited quite a while before introducing Jason and Bowen and I think I did and continue to do everything with Bowen's best interests in mind. However, I am just not ready to get involved with someone and have to think about how it would affect Bowen. Not only that, but it is SO nice to just have to worry about Bowen and I. I don't want to have to wonder if the guy I am dating is talking to another girl, cheating on me, if I am being bitchy to him, if I need to spend a Saturday with him instead of on the couch doing arts and crafts, etc etc. Dating is drama and I just don't have the extra energy to deal with that right now. So maybe a few months or a year from now I will want to date, but right now not so much. I mean...eventually it is bound to happen...I want to get laid before I am 26 ya know. lol

So...that in a nutshell...is my life as of now. ((Why do I feel like I just jinxed myself???)) I know there will be shitty days and probably a bill I can't afford coming soon ((ughh medical tests always end up fucking me)), but is what it is. I can only take it one day at a time. And annoy Bowen with lots of kisses in the mean time. And that is what I plan on doing.