The Inner Calm

Someone told me that 25 was the age where you really figure yourself out and what you want out of life. I always thought I was ahead of the game..had things more figured out than people my age...and in some ways I did. This year has been one of those years where I look back and say, "DAMN!"

For the first time in a really long time I finally feel at peace. Like things are going to be ok and I am finally happy. I don't have a lot of money, I have some seriously rough days, and there are nights where tears cover my cheeks before I fall asleep, but I know I am going to be ok. And it is the first time I can actually say this.

I have decided to let it all go. I can't control the future or what people are going to do, I can just control how I react. Now I'm not saying I will always react in the correct way or that I am suddenly perfect, but I think this is the first step to my life falling into place.

I am still figuring out how to handle Bowen handling the break up. It is getting easier..well maybe not easier, but more normal (which is sad), to have to handle the "Where is my Daddy?", or "You're mean because you won't let my Daddy stay here!", and my personal fav, "I want my Daddy not you!". It sucks...it breaks my heart...but Bowen is going to be ok. Right now I know he is sad, but all I can do is be there for him. All I can do is be the best mom I know how to be and hope that he understands when he is older why I did what I did and be ok with it. ((Honestly, he doesn't have a choice, he is gonna have to suck it up and deal with his mom not being Suzy Homemaker! lol))

And as far as no money goes...story of my life. lol Bowen doesn't really eat that much (damn picky kid) so that helps with the grocery bill. My new car gets better gas mileage than the old mommy mobile, so if gas prices would go down, I'd be good to go. I'm paying my bills, I've got a roof over our heads, and a job.

Speaking of jobs, my job is awesome. I am so blessed to work for such an awesome company and work with such a great group of people. If I didn't work with the team I do, I don't know if I'd have made it through the last few months. And not only that, but the guys we work with are (for the most part) so sweet. I mean, they honestly make your day worth while. Not only that, but it has seriously increased my problem solving skills. Because that is what we do. I book flights and travel, send off hotel information when needed. But what we really wait for is the problem, and then we jump on the problem and solve it. A guy misses his flights, you have to fix it, get him on the next available flight, make sure he gets his ass on that flight, tell the guy's picking him up from the airport, etc etc... It has really helped me with this whole only being able to decide how to react type of thing. ((Of course my reactions may include some yelling and cussing...on the home front or job front..but decisions are made!!))

A few people have asked if I am thinking about dating. And I did...for like a day...even started an eHarmony profile (but then I saw how expensive that shit was, saw the $6 in my account and stopped lol) However, I just quit thinking about it. I have thought I found "the one" twice. That shit bombed twice. And now that the last one is affecting my kiddo, I am obviously only thinking about that. I waited quite a while before introducing Jason and Bowen and I think I did and continue to do everything with Bowen's best interests in mind. However, I am just not ready to get involved with someone and have to think about how it would affect Bowen. Not only that, but it is SO nice to just have to worry about Bowen and I. I don't want to have to wonder if the guy I am dating is talking to another girl, cheating on me, if I am being bitchy to him, if I need to spend a Saturday with him instead of on the couch doing arts and crafts, etc etc. Dating is drama and I just don't have the extra energy to deal with that right now. So maybe a few months or a year from now I will want to date, but right now not so much. I mean...eventually it is bound to happen...I want to get laid before I am 26 ya know. lol

So...that in a nutshell...is my life as of now. ((Why do I feel like I just jinxed myself???)) I know there will be shitty days and probably a bill I can't afford coming soon ((ughh medical tests always end up fucking me)), but is what it is. I can only take it one day at a time. And annoy Bowen with lots of kisses in the mean time. And that is what I plan on doing.

Sorry About That

Bowen...the little love of my life...the heathen that controls everything in my world...the bratty beast that I snuggle every night...had a rough day today. Here is his harrowing tale. (Which is really my harrowing tale)

I was signing Bowen out of school today and his teacher came up to me and said, "Bowen had a rough day today." It is never a good thing when a teacher tells you this. So my response was, "What did he do?"

So she tells me that he was very emotional today. (Maybe he is getting my PMS symptoms?) He was getting upset very easily and crying if things weren't working out. Miss K said maybe he was tired. And then she tells me that he hit three kids.

While Miss K is telling me about Bowen's day, Bowen is standing next to me digging through his bag that I am holding. She says, "Bowen hit three different kids today." Without missing a beat Bowen replies, "Yea...sorry about dat." And keeps on digging for whatever shit is in the bag. Miss K and the other teacher and I all look at each other and then turn around to hide our laughter.

I had my laugh and then got back to the seriousness of the situation.

Bowen hitting pisses me off. I refuse to have a bully for a kid.

And not only did he hit a kid, but he went up to one of the kids during naptime and hit him while he was asleep. ((Maybe he is a great planner and waits for the best time for the attack??))

Then when the teachers told Bowen that they would have to tell me that he hit kids today he erupted into tears. He bawled for an hour and asked them not to tell me. ((Not sure if I should feel a sense of accomplishment or not. But I do.))

So I assure the sweet teachers that he will be punished for this and I will take care of it. And I apologize profusely and tell them that I am not happy about it and raise Bowen better than that.

On the way out of the school I tell Bowen he will not be getting any movies tonight (Which is what he was asking for) and that when we get home we are going to have a talk about his behavior. Ohhh the water works were on. And he kept telling me he was sorry. Then when we are in the car he tells me he wants Chili's for dinner. I tell him no because he was very bad at school.

He cried all the way home. And apologized all the way home.

We had a big talk...I told him no movies at all. He wasn't getting any treats tonight. (Which is candy or cookies) And that I was going to tell his teachers to call me if he hit another kid and if he did I would come up to the school and bust his ass.

Now I know what lots of people are going to say. He is hitting, so don't hit him back. Well I didn't. Today he hit three kids and he got time out three times. (So obv that shit doesn't work for every kid or every time) And I took away three things he wanted. We talked about his behavior again before bed and he promised me he was sorry and would not hit again.

And if he does hit again, I will go up to the school.

And at this moment I sound confident about my parenting skills. But in reality, when he does shit like this, it really upsets me. I get so upset when I hear about another kid hitting Bowen and I really don't want another mom to feel that way. And not only that, but is it somehow my fault? Did I not pay enough attention to him this weekend? What could he be upset about? Ya know...all the millions of questions that run through your mind when you realize that somewhere you missed something when taking care of your kid.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that this was just a bad day. That he realizes what he did wrong. And we never have this problem again.

And since I don't want to face reality right now..I am calling it a night and going to bed.

BOWEN: This is your mommy. We better have a better day tomorrow. I want to go to Chili's!!!!

The Balancing Act

Balance. That is what I need to find. However...literally and figuratively...I cannot find my balance.

I've basically been a single mom most of Bowen's life. When Jason and I moved in together was the first time I really had a partner and someone to help me raise my kid. I had a year and a half of help...and now I'm back to doing it on my own.

When my ex-husband and I separated I went home to mama. And she was an amazing help. Even when I (finally) moved out of her house and got my own place, I always had her help. She picked Bowen up from school and watched him when I worked my second job on Saturday's. If I wanted to go out one night I had a babysitter. And for those rare weekends away when Jason and I were dating, I was totally comfortable and happy leaving Bowen with his Nana. Plus if I was having a bad day she was ALWAYS there. I always had someone to hang with on the weekends if I was bored and she was always down for a Lifetime movie marathon on Sunday.

Now...I have none of these things. Ok..well I have Jason picking Bowen up on Tuesday's and Thursday's until 8pm. ((which is a really big help, don't get me wrong. Without that, I wouldn't be able to make my 40 hours for work most weeks)) Needless to say...I am running a little ragged. (Because on top of the madness of single motherhood, I do believe I am having issues with my thyroid..which is making things even worse)

So...how do mom's figure it all out? How do you start to date? How do you even find a guy to date?! How do you handle work and motherhood? And does it ever get easier? ((Actually...at the end of the day I don't even know if I can handle dating because I feel like life keeps attacking me.))

Let's just talk about today...I had to go to the grocery store and was SO tired. (piece of shit thyroid...or my body is falling apart..either way) So we go to walmart aka hell and finally get home. Bowen is sitting down eating and I am dragging a bajillion bags of groceries into the house. And during all my hard work Bowen is going on and on about wanting a movie on the big tv. I turn around and am telling him he needs to be patient, that I am busy and literally slide three feet on a fucking block and bust my ass on the hard wood floor. (Balance would have come in handy right then) So it gets really quiet as my huge ass hits the floor and Bowen says, "You should pick that block up, not step on it." And crunches into another chip. All I could do was laugh. HE did pick that block (and 739 other toys) up later...but it was just one of those laugh or cry moments.

A little bit later we tried to bake some sugar cookies. I made the cookies as directed..but the damn things were SO sticky. So I put them in the fridge. The WHOLE ten minutes they were in the fridge (Should have been longer but I was losing my cool) Bowen asked when they would be ready and can he use the pumpkin cookie cutter. Literally, "Mom, are the cookies ready?" Thirty five seconds pass. "Little Mama I want to use the pumpkin cookie. Can I use the pumpkin cookie?" Thirty five seconds after that..."Mama...Mommy...I think the cookies are done. Are the cookies done?" I got lucky and 45 seconds passed, "Little Mama...so I'm going to use the pumpkin cookie cutter. And I think the cookies are cold now." ANYWAYS...we get the cookies made. It was a long, hard process. But they were made. And he likes them. (I'm not such a fan..but I'm not eating them so it's all good)

Later I'm on the phone with a friend. (The first adult convo I have had in 24 hours) I am chatting away about her kid and her ex and Bowen suddenly decides he needs to show me a block. (probably the one that broke my tailbone earlier) And then he wanted to talk about Beauty and the Beast. And then he interrupted to tell me he wanted to talk to me. I was like DAMN!!!! I have been with the kid for 48 hours straight..it has been me and him...all my attention on him...and I want 10 minutes and he can't hang.

So needless to say this mom is enjoying her hour alone, with her freshly painted nails, and reality tv on. Even on the worst of days, days 42 times worse than today, I can look back and see how blessed and lucky I am. Right now I can pay all my bills. (Barely..but they are getting paid) We have food in the cabinets and I'm able to eat. (My Dad knows what I'm talking about) I have a car, a job, a roof over my head, and the best child in the world. Every night I go to my room and look in my bed and see the sweetest angel in the world laying on my pillow. ((That drool spot kind of kills the moment, until I remember that I can flip the pillow over.)) Bowen is my calm in the storm. He is the reason I keep going. And even though he tests my patience and gave me stretch marks and drains my bank account...I cannot imagine where and what I would be without him. But in the mean time...I need some balance. Some peace of mind. A little cash wouldn't hurt either. And some energy. Does anyone have any of these things to spare?

Sweet Little Lies...Except Not

Everyone lies. Sometimes to save yourself trouble, sometimes to hurt someone. Sometimes we lie and it isn't even with a malicious intent. Even if it is a little white lie done in order to not hurt someone's feelings. Everyone does it. Anyways..when does that start? When do we start lying? All I know is four years old is WAY too young for my kid to begin.

I can tell you, daycare/preschool has been great and horrible. This year Bowen has gotten in trouble for repeating the B word because another kid at school said it repeatedly one day. I also walked in one day to him punching a kid because the kid kept telling him he was building a bed and Bowen kept telling the kid he was building a house. (Totally worth a punch to the face, right? The damn kid should've listened!! ;-) ) And now I guess the little monster has learned how to lie.

This evening I had him from 7:45 to 8:45 (because he was with my ex) and he told me two lies in that short amount of time.

The first time he was in the shower and I told him I was coming in to wash his hair when he shreaked at me not to come in. Obviously that means he is doing something bad. For some reason I imagined him pooping in the tub. What he had really done was use my shaving cream. I have no idea how much he used, but you could definitely smell it. And he has a few little puffs in his hair. So I asked Bowen if he used my shaving cream. He says, "Noooooooooo."I told him that I knew he did and he should always tell me the truth. I also told him that he will get in a lot more trouble if he lies. He said ok and told me that he was sorry.

I thought I got through to the kid. I guess that I should have known it wouldn't be that easy.

Silly, Mommy.

A little bit later we were in bed reading stories and right when I was tucking him in he tells me how hungry he is. Now he was with my ex, so I don't know if he ate dinner or not. So I ask him if he ate any nachos or popcorn when they went to the movies. He says no. I asked like 37 times if he was sure. Every time he says no. I call my ex and ask and the ex says he ate 3/4 of a bag of popcorn. ((And by this time we were downstairs so he could eat)) Needless to say I was pissed. I sent him upstairs without a snack. I told him he better not lie to me ever again or I am going to pop him on his butt. He knew he was in trouble so he started crying and telling me he was sorry. I sent him to bed without a snack...or a hug.

Needless to say...I am a little shocked. I can't believe he lied to me. TWICE. He is four years old! I wasn't expecting this until at least elementary school. And how do you explain to a four year old what he is doing?

I would SO much rather deal with him telling me his penis grows (which he does almost every day) or wiping poop off his butt or even picking a booger from his nose than deal with the lying. I don't even know how to begin.

Is it too early for military school? lol

The Birthday Blog

I was going to write about my 25th birthday and how much I appreciate life and how much I've learned. But it seemed a little too easy. And honestly, everything I've learned, I've learned the hard way and it kind of pisses me off. So...to spare you the Bitter Betty Blog, I've decided to talk about things that I love.

1.) The Texas Rangers. Ok..I admit..I am a relatively NEW baseball fan. I never lived with/dated anyone who liked baseball until Jason. The good thing about this is...he was a fan of the Rangers and they are hottest team in MLB history. Josh Hamilton is a sexy, beast. He has that reformed, bad boy thing going on..tattoos...hotness. Yummy. But let's not forget about CJ Wilson and his artistic self. I think we could have some fun with him, me, and a camera. (Just sayin!!) And Ian Kinsler. David Murphy. Nelson Cruz. Craig Gentry. Honestly..the list could go on and on. And I have a list. Let's just hope I don't ever get the chance to go to a meet and greet..for their sakes. I can promise that at least one of them would be suffering from Hamilton's most recent injury by the time I was done. (PS..I don't like the rangers only because they are hot..I honestly love watching baseball now)

2.) Hail to the V. I love the new Summers Eve commercial. I mean.. I don't know what the hell I'm doing wrong, but I've never had a man risk his life for my vag. I have been known to make a man fall in love after a sack session (or at least major lust), but there have been no threats made to another dude. Either way..I love the damn commercials. And we all know, the hoo-ha has some power. (Admit it guys) I am glad that it is now being made public. Hail to the V guys!

3.) Crown and 7. I got to go out for a birthday get together on Saturday in my honor and it was SO nice to get out of the house, be with other adults, and have no children around. And, of course, enjoy my fav bevie..crown and 7. My old drink was captain and diet coke with a lime. Then this dude introduced me to crown and 7. I think that is why I keep him as my friend, because I feel like I owe him something for introducing me to this bubbly, refreshment. One sip and your body is taken over by pure happiness.

4.) Spartacus. I've watched both seasons of Spartacus and I keep watching them. I can't brag this series up enough. First of all, it has violence. Men beating the shit out of each other. And sometimes women. ((I work for the UFC..obviously I enjoy this type of thing)) And they are sexy, muscular men. ((Like the dudes in 300..which also makes me drool)) AND it is sort of like porn. I've never seen so many orgies and boobies and man packages in my life. I did get pretty pissed when my fav boy got killed, but at the end of the day I love it. And I love to watch it right before bed so I can dream of Spartacus!!!

5.) Bowen. I had to add the kid because I love him more than anything in the world. The other day he brought over a bowl of popcorn, climbed onto my lap, and farted. He sighed and said, "well I think I have gas" and ate a handful of popcorn, like nothing happened. As gross and crazy and obnoxious as he can be, I love him SO much! He really does make everything in my life better. And I love him more than he will ever know. Awww..now I wanna go snuggle him in bed!!

Anyways..I hope you got a laugh or two. If you haven't checked out the Texas Rangers, ladies, you should. TRUST me. And everyone should youtube the hail to the v commercial. I love it. And if you haven't watched Spartacus you are missing out. AMAZING. You can't have my kid, so I can't help you with that...I mean you can always wish for a kid as awesome as mine.

Anyways..I am going to finish up this pint of ice cream and hit the hay. Kinda bummed there was no birthday kiss..but maybe next year. By a Texas Ranger.

The Grudge (not by Tool)

So I'm a little crazy...maybe a lot crazy. And I go to therapy. Mostly so I don't lose my shit and have a mental breakdown in the middle of the work day or get pissed and smash all of my plates. Any ways..for all you haters (get the fuck off my blog), kiss my ass..you probably need therapy way more than I do. ANYWAYS...the last few weeks have been pretty rough. Thankfully...I got to talk to Renee today.

Anyways, I am the first to admit I have a temper. I can come unglued in .38 seconds and it isn't pretty. Since I've become a mommy, it has gotten a lot better, but that temper is still there. And I also tend to hold a grudge. (it is the scorpio coming out) Needless to say...I have a lot of anger and...grudginess...towards both of my ex's. And even more anger at myself. So I was talking to Renee and she told me that I need to let go of the anger and let the grudges go. Uhh yea..no shit..easier said than done. Basically she brought it back to being a mom. And that our kids can tell when we aren't in a good place.

And damn it..I know she is right. Bowen and I are SUPER close. If I'm having a bad day or am sad he instantly knows. She said I am a good mom, but this is holding me back from being a great mom. (which made me cry...of course) Now normally...ok fine, I said it in my head at first...I would tell her, or anyone for that matter, to go fuck themselves, because I am damn good mom. BUT she has been in my shoes, so I can see her side of things. Plus she is a lot like me, which means I take what she says more seriously than most people.

Anyways, the anger/grudge situation is something I have ALWAYS struggled with. But I would like to be able to let it go. Because forgiving someone isn't for them, it is for me...right?? The problem is...I have no idea how to do that. So any tips are welcome. Because I want to be the greatest mom I can be. Plus, my kid has like almost ALL of my good attributes and I don't want him to get my bad ones, so the sooner this one is gone, the better.

Anatomy 101 & Killer Illnesses 102

I am almost over the flu...the flu is awful. I don't remember having the flu growing up. All I remember is having it since I moved to the evil, effing desert. I got it last year in February and it was brutal. I mean all of a sudden my body started to hurt and I had to lay down...then the fever, chills, nausea, and the feeling of death coming over me took over. And all of a sudden Friday the same shit happened. I started puking and by the time I drove from the office to my house I could barely move. Good new is...I survived and it looks like it is almost over. The thing is...you can't be sick like that and be a single mom. You can't. I mean just going to pick Bowen up from school and come home on Friday, killed me. KILLED me. So...it has been a long weekend. ((This also makes me wonder if the flu shot is even legit. That is a whole other story though))

On the lighter side of things...last night I was putting lotion on Bowen after his shower, and all of a sudden he grabs his penis and shoves his hips at me and makes a shooting noise. ((Why is it that boys can make such awesome sound effects and girls can't...it is like they come out of the womb able to do this)) I was like wtf?! And started giggling...because how can you not laugh at that?? And then he does it again, but add this little hip swivel so he is "shooting" me from the left and the right. So while I'm trying not to laugh I am pushing him away and saying, "STOP!! Bowen don't do that!!!" And he suddenly stops, looks at me very seriously..and says, "I'm just shooting you with me peeenus...it is not that big a deal." And then he turns around and stomps off and finds his underwear. Really!? Really. He is 4 years old. WHY?! Why is he doing this already? lol

Then we were watching the UFC fights on Versus last night and these are the fighters that I booked flights for, so I am usually really into it. ((Hello...all my hard work went into that event lol)) So Bowen and I are snuggled up on my bed watching Pat Barry and Stefan Struve fight and all of a sudden Bowen says, "Mom...when I grow up am I going to have boobs like you?" So I look at him and say, "Bowen..boys don't have boobs." And he sits up, puts his hand on my face and says, "But they have boobs!" And points to the tv. So I explain that boys have pecs and girls have boobs. So, my very smart son says, "But we all have nipples. And gorillas have nipples too." Ummm...yea. We all have nipples. Gorillas too.

Anyways...it has been a puke and anatomy filled weekend. I can't say that there is ever a dull moment in this life. Maybe next weekend we can skip the puke and go easy on anatomy. Can't we just play with trains and draw pictures??