Back in the day, I was a single, full-time working mom. I usually had two jobs to make ends meet. And I always seemed...or felt...like I had it together. Now, I am a stay at home mommy of two kids and I feel like I have nothing together. I mean, the laundry is never caught up. I almost always need to vacuum (ok in my defense, our carpet right now is dark blue, so everything shows up) and at least one, usually both, of the bathrooms need to be cleaned. Nowadays, I feel pretty secluded, unless I get out for a meeting for an hour a few times a week...so literally most of my conversations are one sided and about poop. Probably the hardest thing for me is not contributing financially. I feel like I have put a huge burden on my significant other and, as a partner, I want to carry my fair share of the load. I have a lot of time to think about this stuff and I think about it every day. Like magic, today I ran across this article about some common stay at home mom complaints. I could relate to so many of the things in this article on so many levels. Needless to say, I am hoping I am not alone and I have a friend or two who gets it.
So I just spent 15 minutes typing up my mom complaints. They ranged from not feeling like I am doing something important or goal oriented anymore. I mean, cleaning a bathroom and doing the laundry doesn't quite give the same satisfaction as meeting a deadline and doing it to perfection. To having days where I am so over being needed ALL the time. Like if I am asked one more question or cried at one more time, I am going to cry. And the days where nothing is going right...the baby is super fussy, my boobs are aching, the oldest one is having meltdowns, and my significant other is stressed and I can't fix it, then to top it all off, the electricity goes out.
Then I deleted it all.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE that I am able to stay at home with my kiddos. I was never able to do that with Bowen. I went back to work when he was three months old and it was really hard. I felt like a bad mom. Not many moms, especially nowadays, are able to stay with their little ones. I am SO lucky to be able to do that. It takes away a lot of stress for me to be available in case Bowen gets sick or has an appointment. Plus, and most importantly, we don't have to worry about these psycho daycare workers hurting or mistreating one of our kiddos. (That seems to be in the news WAY too often now) And, with the crazy expense of daycare, it just doesn't make financial sense for me to work. I'd be working to pay for two kids to be in daycare. But most importantly, I am so glad I can spend this extra time with my kids. I love snuggling with the baby in the mornings. I love that I have a drop off and pick up routine with Bowen. I love that I can hug and kiss my kids at any time during the day. I really have it made with this stay at home mom-dom.
But it seems to me, that if a mommy says, "Holy shit, being home with kids all day is challenging!" we get the third degree. "You have it made" and "You are so lucky" and "I NEVER got to stay home with my kids, I wish I had it so easy" among other things are the retorts we get. And that fucking blows. Sometimes, we just need to vent. Sometimes, we need a break from boogers and diapers and back talk. Sometimes, we need to know we can be more useful than the maid/laundry machine/personal chef. And it may seem trivial to those of you who are working...and maybe it is in the grand scheme of things...but this is what goes through my head. As in most things, a little support goes a long way.
When did it become such a bad thing to admit that parenting is a challenge? Or for someone to admit that motherhood, especially being a mom who is home with her kids all day every day, is hard? And to say that sometimes you need a break? And WHY do we need to justify our feelings!?!
I keep reading and hearing about this mom shaming stuff and apparently it is alive and well, because I feel it!! And honestly, most of it is self imposed. I worry that if I mention any of the daily feelings and stressors I will get rained down on and made to feel worse. Why do other moms feel they have the right to talk shit or shame someone for feeling the way they feel? THAT, my dear mommies, is not the business and that shit needs to stop right now.
ALL parents know that parenting is anything but easy. It is the most challenging (rewarding, yes, but still challenging) thing we have probably ever done. As the song says, "What the world needs now is love" and we DO. We need some support and some understanding. A pat on the back every now and then. Moms and Dads alike!! We would't want our little ones to be treated, judged, and downsized like I mentioned before, so why do we do it to ourselves? It is true, kids learn from your actions. So...let's keep that in mind ladies and gentleman, and make things just a smidgen easier on ourselves and a ton better for our kiddos. Just a little food for thought.
Now I have to go make some food for tummies.
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