Ramblings of Epic Proportions

One of the blessings...and curses...of living is that you learn something every day. Sometimes it is something small, like you can't put foil in the microwave, or something big, like how the smallest thing (be it words or actions) can stick with someone forever.

Today has been one of those days where I didn't sleep last night, which means I was thinking. A lot. And with my thinking comes reflecting on myself, my life, current situations, past situations, and everything in between. So last night has just continued over into today. And now I am realizing how much this affects my kiddos. Let me explain...

Throughout my life I have been told that when someone is being hateful or talking shit about me or being mean, that is doesn't say anything about me, but a lot about them. People who are negative and shitty towards another are often times just projecting how they feel about themselves onto another person. It really has nothing to do with YOU, but everything with how shitty they feel about themselves and where they are in life. Obviously, this is not ALWAYS the case...but often times it is.

Another good life lessons is, everything is relative. We all live different lives, have different views on situations, and think differently from one another. Thank God. Imagine how lame it would be if we all thought/felt/acted the same. But with that comes a shitload of misunderstanding, hurt feelings, and annoyance. I can tell you, when I was struggling with raising a kid alone in a state far from any family, working two jobs, coping with having a sick parent, dealing with an ex husband and a crazy/hectic relationship...I didn't really give two shits about some of the (what I perceived as...) petty shit people would talk to me about. Your biggest problem is whether or not to go on a date? Are you fucking kidding me? BUT. That was important to them. And thank goodness they didn't have to deal with the stress and anxiety and loneliness that was consuming me at the time. It is really easy to be all, "woe is me" and "I have it harder than you", when in reality, someone else is feeling the exact same way. We all just need to take a step back and understand that everything is relative. Just because we don't see something as important, to another person it may be a life changing situation. Perspective goes a long way.

Also, I read today that "we are not born with roots, we are born with feet, so we can move at any time". What a great gift to be able to change and grow. We are only human. We make mistakes. We do dumb shit. And that is part of life. The only REAL mistake we can make, is not working to better ourselves when we do aforementioned dumb shit. Every day is a day to grow and change. If you don't like something about your life, change it. There is ALWAYS something you can do. Don't like your job? Update your resume and start putting it out there. You might not find a new one right away, but you at least now have your foot in the door, instead of three blocks away. Not happy with how short your temper is? MAKE the decision to start counting to ten before speaking when you are mad, buy a self help book, join a group, get some counseling. It might be something tiny, but it can spark a whole new way of life.

I could go on and on and on with the little sayings and how they are relative to life, but I will spare you. Let's get into how this all affects the kids.

Once you have a kid, everything is about them. Everything. If we are in a shit mood, we can unintentionally take it out on our child. If we cuss in front of them, they'll probably end up cussing too. If we smoke/drink/do drugs, etc our kids will see it and think it is normal or ok. SCIENCE proves that shit, ya'll. Real life is not "Do as I say, not as I do". Real life means they see how we act and are as people, and inevitably take on some of those qualities.

Now no one is perfect. I am FAR from it. I cuss all the time. And my son has been known to let a word or two slip. I have a bad temper and yell, my kid yells. So yea, it sucks when they pick up on the negative shit we do...but we have the power to instill in them some seriously amazing positive things.

As mommy and daddy, we have to teach our kids that these bullies who make fun of them are probably insecure and that the problem is that kid. (And also intervene and take action when necessary) In fact, we should probably teach them some empathy for the mean kid. Maybe that little asshole really just needs a friend, or some positive reinforcement. We have the ability to teach our kids how to show compassion, even when it is hard.

A HUGE HUGE HUGE situation is the relativity. I cannot tell you how fucking annoyed I get when my son melts down over something little like making a 94 instead of a 100 on a test. It is still an A. THAT is something to be proud of. But to the kiddo that is a huge thing. He studied all week, knew the subject matter by heart, and then did less than perfect. (If you have an autistic gemini, this is some serious shit) So to us, it isn't a big deal, we are still proud, but to them it is a HUGE ordeal. Everything is relative. We may not understand how Amy saying she isn't friends with Suzy this week is grounds for a breakdown of epic proportions. But it isn't about us. It is about them. At some point that would have been a big deal to us too....remember that. It'll make your kid feel more loved and important and understood by you, which in turn, will help them come to you later about different/more important situations. (I read that in an article)

And finally...change. Change is good. Change is scary. Change is fucking hard. But we can all change. For better or for worse. I think that is such a wonderful thing to instill in our kids, that at any moment, we can decide to make a change and do something better with our lives. I can tell you, I have made a million changes in my life. And sometimes I failed, even when I had great intentions, but it was worth the lesson learned. Just because you fuck up, does not mean you are stuck there. Make the change and become better than you were the day before. My son had a meltdown of epic proportions last night and destroyed the lego train set he had been diligently working on for a week. I mean that shit is tore up. After his meltdown he was so upset that he did that. So I told him, it is ok, you made a mistake, and now we learn from it. Next time instead of wrecking your toys, go scream into a pillow or punch the couch. All we can do is realize we made a mistake and learn from it.

I am definitely not trying to be all Dr Phil. I fuck up with this whole parenting thing daily. However, I do know that as long as I am trying and working on myself, the good will come out in my parenting and in my child. Once we have kids, nothing is about us and every single thing we do will impact our child in one way or another. I have personally made it my goal to focus on taking care of myself and bettering myself this year (and every year after that). I know if I do that my parenting abilities will improve and my kid(s) will reap the benefits. I am going to screw it up some days and fall flat on my face at some point, but there will be those days when my kid gets it, sees the lesson in the struggle and it helps him.

My challenge to you...do something to improve yourself. Make a change for the better.

39 Weeks (One Day) And Counting

Apparently blogging every day is not possible. Here I thought we were this intriguing family...but really we are just three people getting on each other's nerves and repeating the same routines on the daily. (Routines are key in an autism house)

Right now our biggest excitement is #BabyWatch2015. Our new addition is due January 15th, but we have been told numerous times that it could be any minute now. However, after 3 fake outs, and the belly only continuing to grow and make me more uncomfortable, I have decided he will probably never come out. I know I am not even past due yet (like a gallon of milk or something), but this has literally been the longest pregnancy ever. I found out I was pregnant basically during conception and it feels like I have been knocked up for 58 months. Seriously.

Now don't get me wrong, I am beyond thrilled and happy that I am pregnant. I know that MANY women can't have babies. In fact, I wasn't supposed to have Bowen, let alone this one. So I am not taking my bulging belly and fertile Myrtle status for granted. But, I am definitely ready to have a baby in my arms...

We have been trying to naturally induce since about 36 weeks along. We did an ultrasound and the baby was all formed and perfect and just plumping up. Perfect time to try the old wives tales. (Except for castor oil. I tried that with my first one...and fuck that...never again.)

First I started taking evening primrose oil. I used to take it when I was working out and eating clean and looking all fantastic. (I miss the abs. And the ass. And all of it.) Anyways, so I took one in the morning and one in the evening. I know you can insert one in your lady bits and it will dissolve overnight...but it kind of weirded me out. So I opted not to do that. The point of the evening primrose oil is to start thinning out your cervix...two check ups since I started this and I am only dilated to a one and not thinned out enough to even mention. So fuck you primrose oil, fuck you.

Then, we decided to start trying good ol' adult time. I mean we obviously never quit that, but now we can REALLY get after it. Or so we thought. Then the Texas chainsaw massacre happened in our (brand new, white bedding covered) bed and we had to go to the hopsicle for excessive bleeding..and contractions. After 4 hours they sent me home only dilated to a one and the encouraging, "We will be seeing you soon!!!" That was like three fucking weeks ago. So now we maintain a loving bumping and grinding and hope that the combination of O's and baby batter persuade my uterus to start seriously contracting and my cervix to start opening.

I have tried doing jumping jacks numerous times. Especially if I am already cramping or having contractions. My best friend told me this works. Unfortunately, the only thing it has resulted in is a steady stream of pee running down my legs and me sweating more than I already do. So sexy, right?

Spicy food was also something someone mentioned. I am not willing to try a ghost pepper or anything serious because I don't want my ass to be on fire IF I did happen to go into labor...but I have eaten some spicy food. And I only got heartburn and indigestion.

One weekend (the weekend of the massacre actually) we tried adult time...AND walking around the mall two days in a row. We walked for hours. My feet got all swollen and my back got all sweaty. I was having contractions so I got all excited. And then they just quit. Like always. I still walk...some days more than others...and it never gets me very far. (labor wise that is..) SO walking...is not working either.

Anyone who has ever been pregnant remembers how uncomfortable and miserable those last few weeks are. The kid is in your ribs and their head is in your vag and arms and knees are poking and punching you. You pee ALL the time. Often times on yourself. You are hot. And hormonal. I mean...really fucking hormonal. It is just time, ya know? The kid needs to arrive. For the prego's sake...and everyone else's. Because if you hear, "You STILL haven't had that baby yet?" or "Oh hunny, you are about to pop!" or even worse, "You are HUUUUGE!!!!" one more time...you may go postal and shank every single person near you.

So here we are...39 weeks, one day along, and baby boy seems happy as a clam, with no interest in evacuating any time soon. I think he is going to pull a Bowen and arrive on the day he is due...but, I wouldn't be too surprised if he was stubborn and we had to be induced because he is late. IF that does end up being the case, I really like sea salt caramel gelato and Sonic ice. Just help a sister out, because she is only going to continue to cry more and more each day that passes and a baby doesn't show up.

Love Less Glamorous

We have been childless for a week and a half now (thank you Nana), so my blogging has not really picked up yet for lack of inspiration. It has been a very mellow week and a half. A very nice break, but not something we are accustomed to at all.

But have no fear...as my significant other snoozes in the other room and I await the call to find out what time I can pick up my little boy, I have had some time to ponder on...the unthinkable. Well...maybe not unthinkable, but certainly something we are not "supposed" to speak of. Adult time.

I am not here to write the next 50 Shades (thank sweet baby Jesus, because I was LESS than impressed by that book), but to talk about real life. Being a parent changes your naughty time. A lot. And, from what I hear, it can become quite the issue.


Timmy and I never really got the "normal" sexperience. I had a 6 year old when we met, so obviously things were a little different from the beginning. There was no chance we were going to come home from work and strip throughout the house only to end in an erotic shower scene. Nope. That has never happened. We have a child. And three weeks after moving in together we were knocked up...which also changes things.

No one really talks about the hilarious and, sometimes, disappointing parts of sex that comes with being a parent. No one likes to be at the peak of penetration, only to have their little one tell them from behind the locked door, that they threw up. Or shit on themselves. I figure, what the hell, let's lay it on the line...and laugh.

First of all...pregnancy really fucks shit up in the sexual arena.
*First trimester you are pukey and tired and emotional. There is nothing sexier than puking up your berry oatmeal for thirty minutes and then climbing back into bed and kissing on your man's neck. Except for the fact that there may be an oat or two stuck in your hair and you now smell like a sorority girl the morning after her first kegger. And let's be honest, you probably don't want to kiss on your man's neck. Or any other part of him for that matter. HE DID THIS TO YOU. So not only are you barfing everywhere, you are angry and sad and crying over the sheets not being cold enough, and you need to hibernate...forever. Sex in the first trimester (at least for us) was few and far between.
*Second trimester holds some redemption. Thank the fuck. I know with this pregnancy I suddenly went from a double A cup (which means you fit into a training bar in the little girl's section at Target) to a full B in just a few months. Hello you glorious, boobs, you. But they hurt...like a mother fucker... Regardless, you got something new for your man to look at...and sometimes...play with. And you aren't as big as a bus yet. You may be sporting a little belly, but you can still manage to get into all those positions that really work for you. You aren't as barfy all the time and you have a smidgen more energy. All in all, the second trimester is the peak of sexual activity (at least for me...obviously there are some of you freak of nature perfect pregnant women out there) but by the time you realize you should have taken more advantage of it, it'll be too late.
*Third trimester...ughhhhhh. You are a whale. Well. I am a whale. Sex has gotten awkward as fuck. There is obviously something in between you and your loving partner. And it is this HUGE, moving, entity... I know personally, I do not feel sexy at all. I feel like no matter what position I am in, Timmy is looking at my martha (my double chin), and my vagina used to be this cute little thing..now she has gained some pregnancy pounds as well. Plus my once NICE ass is jiggly and my thighs, once again, rub together. It is REALLY hard for me to feel like a little sex kitten given my physical appearance. Not only that, but for me, the good times have not only become awkward, but a little painful. So half of the time my dude ends up with blue balls...and the other half...he has to handle me like a china doll. Not ideal. And not only that, we somehow went from two positions working for us, to one. I haven't got to lovingly gaze into his eyes in three months. All he has seen is the back of my head. AND honestly, for him, that may be for the best. I am a sweaty, giant beast...that ain't tha business. And finally..third trimester means labor is imminent. One SUPPOSEDLY great way to naturally induce labor is doing the dirty. So sex goes from a fun thing, to a serious mission. Don't get me wrong, both of us hit the "peak" if you will, but there is no lying, it is not the same as pre-pregnancy bumping and grinding. And I apologize, my love, but I just want this child out of me. I promise...normal sex will resume in the next couple months.


Now, for those of you who are past the pregnancy sex (lucky you) and now have small children running around, it is a whole new ball game. It is no longer about 9 long, steamy innings, but more like a sprint to the finish line. But a sprint that is filled with obstacles. Finding a spot you won't be disturbed in. Being quiet. Ignoring the diapers and wipes and pee-pee teepees in sight. Getting it done quickly...but not too quickly. And then, playing it off when your kid asks what the hell you were doing.  (taking a nap, of course)

Usually you don't have an hour to warm up. At our house, we are usually very spur of the moment. The kid is deeply enthralled in a movie, he is at school and we happen to be home at the same time, those type of situations. SO you sneak off for a quick thrill. It is a rare time when you can actually spend the time exploring one another's bodies and kissing and touching and all those fun, passionate things you got to do pre-children. Not to downplay the quickie, as it can be some of the best, hottest sex ever, but it is different.

Or, when you are child free, you try to get all dirty and naughty like you used to, and you end up pushed up against the chore chart. Or your kid is finally asleep, it is relatively early, and you realize you are just too fucking tired to get it on. No shame. We have all been there. And that is what real life is like.

I will say this, on our last childless break for what I am sure will be a long while, we did have some time to get back to it. And, yes, it was awkward and limited due to this gigantic belly of mine, but it was also really, really great. SO...parents of the world...take it back to high school and do some making out. Feel each other up. And after the deed is done, lay in bed and talk. I can honestly say, it will make you remember what it was first like with your other half, and you may even appreciate them even more than you do already. A little nookie goes a long way.