I hit 400 followers on Twitter yesterday ((Check me out.... @MsSarahHolmes)) so I asked my followers what I should do in celebration. One guy told me to write another blog. Which made me realize I have been slacking on my writing. So here we go....a little recap of the last few weeks...err months?
It is summer in Vegas so it is hot as fuck. I have no filter (haven't you noticed?) and I say, "It is hot as balls" all the time. I don't know how hot balls get, but from the way some of them smell, I am betting they get fucking hot and sweaty. Anyways, back on track, we walk out the front door one Saturday and Bowen says, "Man!! It is hot as balls out here!!!". It was fucking hilarious. Then I told him he can only say that around mommy...anywhere else he will get in trouble. He said deal..so far...no complaints about ball talk.
Bowen and I went to Target a few weeks ago to buy some school uniforms since kindergarten starts soon. While shopping for our khaki and navy bottoms the kid spots some royal blue skinny jeans. Now I used to say I'd never let my kid rock skinny jeans...but I have seen some guys in rock bands that make their skinny jeans look great (and their package too) so I said what the hell. We went to the dressing room to try all his clothes on. (A first for the kid) So he gets his skinny jeans on and looks at his ass in the mirror for five minutes. Seriously..he turned to the right and looked...turned to the left and looked...and then said he liked them. In fact, not only did he like them, he told me it made his junk look big. Trust me...it did not...but who am I to crush a young man's dreams?
The next day he decided he wanted to wear them to preschool. Of course I let him. Let's face it, I would let the kid walk out in mismatched clothes and a cape if he wanted to. So he gets his jeans on and sits down to put his shoes on and says, "Ohhh...there is NO way I can do circle time in these." Obviously they are tighter than he is used to. So I do what any good mom would do in this situation and suggest him not wearing underwear because they are tight up there. He looks at me like I am a fucking alien and says, "Mom...my butt crack would hang out. And my balls would get sweaty. That is not going to work." Needless to say, he wore shorts to preschool that day.
I know it is a boy thing to talk shit during video games. I get it, I respect it, and if I play, I'll talk shit too. I just didn't realize that it started at such a young age. One of my babysitters got Bowen hooked on playing Super Mario on the Wii. The other day he was playing the game and it was a constant stream of shit talking...except in 5 year old words. For example, "Oh yea Mario we are going to crush them...ooooohhhh I killed you, I killed you...that's right, move out of my way...oh yea, oh yea...I'm gonna beat you..." so you get the idea. He finally beat this level and then stood up, threw the controller on the couch, and did some pelvic thrusts while yelling, "Oh yea, I won!" After like five minutes of celebrating I told him to shut up. I got the reply, "Mom..I won..I am almost to Bowser's castle..chill." I can't wait to walk in on some COD shit talking...
Last night we went to meet his kindergarten teacher. He was not excited about this. BUT I bribed him with a happy meal. So we met the teacher and did all the hand shaking and checking out the classroom and bullshit. The school is literally 30+ minutes from my house and in an area I know nothing about. So on the way home I go a different way back and after driving for ten minutes realize I am fucking lost. I just blurted out, "Where the fuck are we?" And Bowen, my lovely little child, rolls his eyes, sighs and says, "Well...this can't be good..."
And we will just wrap it up with some highlights of tonight's drive home from his last day of preschool. (Sniffle...last day of preschool) We always jam any time we are in the car. And he usually requests some pretty good tunes. Today I was skipping past songs and I listened to like .5 seconds of Make It Rain by Travis Porter. I normally don't let him listen to this song ((we originally heard it in H&M)) because it is pretty raunchy. I mean cuss words, fine whatever, but this is talking about dirty shit. So he says, "MOM...play that song..I SWEAR I won't say any bad words." So I warned him that if he did, he would get popped in the mouth and no games. We listen and towards the end of the song I hear, "Ima make it rain trick, Ima make it rain." THANKFULLY he asked for Slipknot next and I got to hear that angel baby voice sing Duality. Corey Taylor would be proud. (So if you see him, tell him I want to have babies with him)
So as you can see...not a lot has changed in the Holmes household. We are still crazy and I still cuss and for us, this is normal. Kindergarten starts Monday. I can't decide whether I get to cry because I'm a mom or whether I need to keep my shit together and be tough because I'm a dad too. I'll let you know how it goes.
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