Parenting Prep From A Pro

There is no way to really prepare for parenthood. I mean you can read all the "What To Expect", "No Cry Sleep Solution", "Dr. Spock" bullshit that you want to and you still won't be prepared. It is because those little energy syphoning midgets we call our children do not come with a manual. They don't have batteries we can remove or an off switch. And they certainly don't understand the don't-mess-with-mommy-she-is-exhausted/angry/sad/hungry/overworked-and-needs-a-moment moments. Oh no, those are the times they will choose to push every little button you have. Because they are kids. And that is what they do.

Bowen and I are ridiculously close. He knows when I'm in a funk and I can tell when he is in a funk and we kind of feed off each other. Really this sucks WAY more for him than me, because, well he has life EASY at the moment. Needless to say, when I am upset or depressed or pissed off or going through the break up of the century, he can tell and becomes this loving, but leech-like, baby of mine. So no, those are not hickeys you see on my body, that is where I had to literally unstick the child that has latched onto my side. (joking..there are no marks and def no hickeys) 

I am (finally) getting sort of out of the break up funk (we are not out of the woods yet, so brace yourself for another breakdown in the near future) and last weekend Bowen and I had a pretty good weekend for a change. Saturday we hung out at the pool for an hour or so, then decided it was too hot and we needed a movie afternoon. So we laid on the couch/bed and watched movies and ate shitty food. Well he ate shitty food. Then Sunday all the neighbors were out and we went to the pool for a more exciting pool day.

Then disaster struck.

I am laying out, chatting with everyone and Bowen was playing squirt guns and doing cannonballs in the pool with the other kids. PERFECT. So now you know some shit had to happen. I just didn't know it would be literal shit. All of a sudden I hear my son scream, "I'm gonna poop! I'm gonna poop!" I yell back, "DON'T DO THAT!!" and gracefully (ok not gracefully or sexily at all) ran to the side of the pool he was on and hoisted his 40-something pound body out. I tell him to start walking to the bathroom ((While he is holding his butt bc he is LITERALLY shitting himself)) while I run to get the bathroom key. 

It only got worse.

We get into the bathroom and I have to help him peel those wet swim trunks off. As I do, I literally catch his poop in my hand. For all the non-parents out their gagging, just you wait. You think it is awful, and really it is, but when it is your kid you just do it. You just go into beast/survival mode and do what needs to be done. And at that moment what needed to be done was me catching his poop in my hand so it wasn't all over the public restroom and get the kid on the toilet so he could finish. Did I gag? Hell yes. Was it something I never hope to do again? Obviously. But it is what it is. It happened...we were in the situation and the only thing to do was cope.

So after I scrubbed my hands for like 5 minutes we emerges from the bathroom and obviously I needed to take the kid home. He smelled like poo. And was a little embarrassed. So...as sad as I was to leave the pool party...we did.

Ok so we go home, he showers, I do poopy laundry and we are chilling. I decide to cook and he is playing games. Nice little Sunday evening at home. All of a sudden I see him RUN to the bathroom while yelling, "I HAVE TO PEEEEEE!!" Wtf. So he comes out and says he didn't make it in time and peed on the floor. SO again, I do what I have to do, and go clean up pee.

Normally this shit (literally) does not happen. He can wipe his own ass!!! It was just one of those weekends. Once all the potty issues were resolved we played like 29 games of Pop The Pig and watched movies and ate popsicles on the patio like we hadn't been in crisis mode only hours before. Ahh the joys of parenting. Bet ya didn't read these type of situations in your parenting books, did ya? Well I'm a straight shooter and I will tell you what parenting is really like. PLUS I find it HILARIOUS to see people's reactions to this and bring them back to reality when they discuss sweet bundles of shitting joy they plan on having. Insert evil laugh here.