Post Workout Epiphany

I believe that we all should strive to learn and grow from every experience. And with the bad, there usually comes good. Don't get me wrong, I have had my fair shares of pity parties and more than one night (or 30 nights...all in a row) where I cried myself to sleep and seriously thought this was the end of my life. However, I woke up the next day and realized that life does go on. Due to this, I think that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. And also, if Britney Spears can make it through 2007, I can surely make it through anything I've gone through. (And look a fuck ton better while doing it)

I am at this weird crossroads, I think. (Keep in mind that this could be the ridiculous workout I just had and the overload of endorphins streaming through my body) I have been a single Mom for most of Bowen's life. I've been married, divorced, lived with someone, been single, been hurt, been broke as a joke, been broker than that joke(r), been happy, been sad, been mad, and everything in between. And I have lately decided, that I just don't have time for bullshit.

My main focus is my son. (Obvi) He is my whole entire world and he will always be my main priority. I have pretty high standards of what I need to do as a parent to help mold him into a decent human being and I don't take it lightly. I have failed in some areas, done well in others, but in all areas, I am still trying to improve and learn to be a better mom for him. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing 85% of the time (if only they came with a manual), but I do know, that if he and I can figure out how to work together, we will both make it out just fine. (if not, there is always therapy...for him..I'm already in it) The kid drives me INSANE. And sometimes I want to lock him in a closet and run away. (I would never, ever do that in real life) But at the end of the day, I love him more than anyone or anything in the world. And I hope some day he sees that.

Due to my number one priority, Bowen, I have a second priority, called work. Luckily, I am super blessed and have an awesome second priority. I love, love, love, love, love, loooooooooooove my job. Some days I want to pull out my hair by 9:30am, but every day, I appreciate and remember just how much I love what I do. I never thought I'd be in Vegas for more than 6 months and now, I can't imagine leaving. I work for an amazing company. I get to help out and work with amazing guys and their camps and families. And I have the most supportive, loving, amazing team. Seriously, my department really has become a second family. I would never have made it through the last year without them. I've been working since I was 16 and I plan on always working (Miss Independent FO REAL) (well until retirement at least) so the fact that I get to go do something I truly love is absolutely wonderful and true blessing.

As most everyone in my life knows, my Dad has been really sick this year. Cancer is a mother fucker and it has wreaked some havoc on my poor pops. My Dad is my hero and knowing he is fighting this battle has been really hard. I would take his place in a heartbeat. All that being said, it really puts things into perspective. We are never promised tomorrow and so many people take what they have for granted. Even I have. Needless to say, it really has changed my outlook on things. While people bitch because they have a cold or are sad or think their life is miserable because of a break up, I want to throw a straw at them and tell them to suck it the fuck up. I am all fine for everyone having a pity party. Every single person deserves one at some point or another. Trust me, I've had more than my share. I just didn't have anything, like watching my Dad go through three surgeries and die in one, to really show me what is important and what isn't. And after I read that, I realize I sound like a bitch, and I will probably lose the few friends that I have. NOT my intention, just trying to explain where my head is at right now.

To sum up this ridiculous, venting session of a blog....I am over it. You can only take so much BS in one life time and then you have to decide whether to move onward and upward, or stay stuck. I am moving onward. And also upward. I have had a lot of negative, bad things happen in my life. And for a hot minute (especially last year) I got sucked into this blackhole of shit. I won't put myself in that position again. I am going to continue to focus on my son and my job, and keep my friends and family, whom I love dearly, close. I read somewhere that life will keep giving you the same test, over and over again, until you pass it....well I think I am ready to pass this test and move forward. The good thing is...tomorrow is a new day...and I may come to my senses by then. But for tonight...I'm done with the bullshit... No worries, you will never get Positive Paulie who never cusses or doesn't threaten violence. That'd be like asking me to give up my high heels. That shit won't ever happen. ;-)