I truly believe that part of being a mom is mom guilt. It begins while pregnant. You're going through 40 weeks of hell....sick, headaches, back aches, cravings, mood swings, crying, ruining your once-size-three-stretch-mark-free-perky-boobed body, and gaining the weight of a 10 yr old child and you feel like you just can't do enough. Am I getting enough folic acid? Will this pepsi make the baby deformed? Did I drink the day the baby was conceived? I mean...it is never ending. And once you pop that thing out of your once perfect vagina, it gets even worse. (Ladies, don't forget your kegels) My son is five years old and has really been making the mom guilt hit an all time high. This weekend may be the peak.
My sister, brother in law, and two year old niece came in on Wednesday. Bowen is not much into sharing anything. Whether it be a toy, his games, his room, or me, that shit never really goes over well. Needless to say he was NOT happy when Alexandra wanted to do anything that involved him. Or anything that meant her being in the general vicinity of where he was. Basically I feel like the kid needs to quit being such a whiner and suck it the fuck up. Which means I look mean and he also cries and lot and hates me. It is fine. I can handle it.
But then yesterday we were driving in the car and Bowen told me that he felt like I was not noticing him. That I took pictures with Alexandra and not him. And that I don't want to talk about Super Mario Brothers, I want to tell Alexandra how pretty her picture is. ((For the record we took TWO in three days for fucks sake...not like I went on a fucking photo taking spree and created a new instagram account just for Alexandra and I)) And he added the quivery voice and alligator tears to this confession. I, of course, felt like a big sack of shit for this. I apologized and explained that Alexandra was still a baby and that he is a big boy, so he has to share and teach her how to be a big girl. I reminded him how much I loved him and how much he means to me. Showed him that he is the background on my phone. Went on this big thing about how he is the best thing that ever happened to me....I mean..I don't know what to do.
Anyways so we go through yesterday with this big thing about sucking as a parent weighing on my shoulders. So today he wants to point out all of the shit I don't do. This morning I said, "I need to wash my sheets." Bowen decides to point out that I wash my sheets more than his. (The kid sleeps in my bed more than his own) And that he didn't get to go to the last two school birthdays he was invited to. And that he was is always one of the last kids to get picked up from the YMCA, among many other things. Did I mention I was sleepy still? And that he did this like rapid fire? So my response was, "Bowen..I don't have any help with you. What do you want from me?" And he says, "Help with what?" So I said, "You know how Aunt Holly has Uncle Ben to help with Alexandra...well Mommy doesn't have that. I do all this SHIT on my own, so guess what, I am doing the best that I can!!"
I KNOW that he doesn't understand. I know that. But for the love of all that is holy, he could cut me just a smidgen of slack. Like a tiny, eeeeensy weensy piece. Yes..I know...wishful thinking.
Either way, that whole conversation made me feel bad. And now I am having this inner battle because I REALLY, REEEEALLY need to get a second job. But what am I going to do about Bowen? I am already away from him so much, I hate the thought of leaving him more, even if it is just at night time. But I also hate not being able to pay bills or take him to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. See the problem, yall??
Anyways...the mom guilt is eating me alive tonight. I thought about busting out the bottle of Jameson, but I worked out really hard and don't want the extra calories. I can't go back to my over weight and riddled with mom guilt look. It was not a good look for me. Instead, I am going to snuggle up next to this kid who looks so peaceful and sweet and pretend none of it ever happened. Denial. It is pretty and smells nice here. ;-)
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