Post Workout Epiphany

I believe that we all should strive to learn and grow from every experience. And with the bad, there usually comes good. Don't get me wrong, I have had my fair shares of pity parties and more than one night (or 30 nights...all in a row) where I cried myself to sleep and seriously thought this was the end of my life. However, I woke up the next day and realized that life does go on. Due to this, I think that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. And also, if Britney Spears can make it through 2007, I can surely make it through anything I've gone through. (And look a fuck ton better while doing it)

I am at this weird crossroads, I think. (Keep in mind that this could be the ridiculous workout I just had and the overload of endorphins streaming through my body) I have been a single Mom for most of Bowen's life. I've been married, divorced, lived with someone, been single, been hurt, been broke as a joke, been broker than that joke(r), been happy, been sad, been mad, and everything in between. And I have lately decided, that I just don't have time for bullshit.

My main focus is my son. (Obvi) He is my whole entire world and he will always be my main priority. I have pretty high standards of what I need to do as a parent to help mold him into a decent human being and I don't take it lightly. I have failed in some areas, done well in others, but in all areas, I am still trying to improve and learn to be a better mom for him. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing 85% of the time (if only they came with a manual), but I do know, that if he and I can figure out how to work together, we will both make it out just fine. (if not, there is always therapy...for him..I'm already in it) The kid drives me INSANE. And sometimes I want to lock him in a closet and run away. (I would never, ever do that in real life) But at the end of the day, I love him more than anyone or anything in the world. And I hope some day he sees that.

Due to my number one priority, Bowen, I have a second priority, called work. Luckily, I am super blessed and have an awesome second priority. I love, love, love, love, love, loooooooooooove my job. Some days I want to pull out my hair by 9:30am, but every day, I appreciate and remember just how much I love what I do. I never thought I'd be in Vegas for more than 6 months and now, I can't imagine leaving. I work for an amazing company. I get to help out and work with amazing guys and their camps and families. And I have the most supportive, loving, amazing team. Seriously, my department really has become a second family. I would never have made it through the last year without them. I've been working since I was 16 and I plan on always working (Miss Independent FO REAL) (well until retirement at least) so the fact that I get to go do something I truly love is absolutely wonderful and true blessing.

As most everyone in my life knows, my Dad has been really sick this year. Cancer is a mother fucker and it has wreaked some havoc on my poor pops. My Dad is my hero and knowing he is fighting this battle has been really hard. I would take his place in a heartbeat. All that being said, it really puts things into perspective. We are never promised tomorrow and so many people take what they have for granted. Even I have. Needless to say, it really has changed my outlook on things. While people bitch because they have a cold or are sad or think their life is miserable because of a break up, I want to throw a straw at them and tell them to suck it the fuck up. I am all fine for everyone having a pity party. Every single person deserves one at some point or another. Trust me, I've had more than my share. I just didn't have anything, like watching my Dad go through three surgeries and die in one, to really show me what is important and what isn't. And after I read that, I realize I sound like a bitch, and I will probably lose the few friends that I have. NOT my intention, just trying to explain where my head is at right now.

To sum up this ridiculous, venting session of a blog....I am over it. You can only take so much BS in one life time and then you have to decide whether to move onward and upward, or stay stuck. I am moving onward. And also upward. I have had a lot of negative, bad things happen in my life. And for a hot minute (especially last year) I got sucked into this blackhole of shit. I won't put myself in that position again. I am going to continue to focus on my son and my job, and keep my friends and family, whom I love dearly, close. I read somewhere that life will keep giving you the same test, over and over again, until you pass it....well I think I am ready to pass this test and move forward. The good thing is...tomorrow is a new day...and I may come to my senses by then. But for tonight...I'm done with the bullshit... No worries, you will never get Positive Paulie who never cusses or doesn't threaten violence. That'd be like asking me to give up my high heels. That shit won't ever happen. ;-)

Mom Guilt Monster

I truly believe that part of being a mom is mom guilt. It begins while pregnant. You're going through 40 weeks of hell....sick, headaches, back aches, cravings, mood swings, crying, ruining your once-size-three-stretch-mark-free-perky-boobed body, and gaining the weight of a 10 yr old child and you feel like you just can't do enough. Am I getting enough folic acid? Will this pepsi make the baby deformed? Did I drink the day the baby was conceived? I mean...it is never ending. And once you pop that thing out of your once perfect vagina, it gets even worse. (Ladies, don't forget your kegels) My son is five years old and has really been making the mom guilt hit an all time high. This weekend may be the peak.

My sister, brother in law, and two year old niece came in on Wednesday. Bowen is not much into sharing anything. Whether it be a toy, his games, his room, or me, that shit never really goes over well. Needless to say he was NOT happy when Alexandra wanted to do anything that involved him. Or anything that meant her being in the general vicinity of where he was. Basically I feel like the kid needs to quit being such a whiner and suck it the fuck up. Which means I look mean and he also cries and lot and hates me. It is fine. I can handle it.

But then yesterday we were driving in the car and Bowen told me that he felt like I was not noticing him. That I took pictures with Alexandra and not him. And that I don't want to talk about Super Mario Brothers, I want to tell Alexandra how pretty her picture is. ((For the record we took TWO in three days for fucks sake...not like I went on a fucking photo taking spree and created a new instagram account just for Alexandra and I)) And he added the quivery voice and alligator tears to this confession. I, of course, felt like a big sack of shit for this. I apologized and explained that Alexandra was still a baby and that he is a big boy, so he has to share and teach her how to be a big girl. I reminded him how much I loved him and how much he means to me. Showed him that he is the background on my phone.  Went on this big thing about how he is the best thing that ever happened to me....I mean..I don't know what to do.

Anyways so we go through yesterday with this big thing about sucking as a parent weighing on my shoulders. So today he wants to point out all of the shit I don't do. This morning I said, "I need to wash my sheets." Bowen decides to point out that I wash my sheets more than his. (The kid sleeps in my bed more than his own) And that he didn't get to go to the last two school birthdays he was invited to. And that he was is always one of the last kids to get picked up from the YMCA, among many other things. Did I mention I was sleepy still? And that he did this like rapid fire? So my response was, "Bowen..I don't have any help with you. What do you want from me?" And he says, "Help with what?" So I said, "You know how Aunt Holly has Uncle Ben to help with Alexandra...well Mommy doesn't have that. I do all this SHIT on my own, so guess what, I am doing the best that I can!!"

I KNOW that he doesn't understand. I know that. But for the love of all that is holy, he could cut me just a smidgen of slack. Like a tiny, eeeeensy weensy piece. Yes..I know...wishful thinking.

Either way, that whole conversation made me feel bad. And now I am having this inner battle because I REALLY, REEEEALLY need to get a second job. But what am I going to do about Bowen? I am already away from him so much, I hate the thought of leaving him more, even if it is just at night time. But I also hate not being able to pay bills or take him to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. See the problem, yall??

Anyways...the mom guilt is eating me alive tonight. I thought about busting out the bottle of Jameson, but I worked out really hard and don't want the extra calories. I can't go back to my over weight and riddled with mom guilt look. It was not a good look for me. Instead, I am going to snuggle up next to this kid who looks so peaceful and sweet and pretend none of it ever happened. Denial. It is pretty and smells nice here. ;-)