Not So June Cleaver

In a home not my own, at this very moment, a good mom is sitting at the table with her child patiently helping them complete homework assignments with a smile on her face. She would probably be wearing a pearl necklace (not the dirty kind) and an apron too. But in my home I am standing at the kitchen counter, in leggings and a t shirt and mismatched socks, yelling at my child and eating Twizzlers like they're going out of style because if I don't, I might go Mike Tyson and bite my kids ear off. (Not really...that'd be hard to explain at the ER)

Bowen is in kindergarten, yall. And that means homework has begun. Because kindergarten is serious. (And because I put him in a college prep based charter school...oops?) So every night we have homework. Monday's are the easy days (thank Jebus), but by Thursday, shit is sorta like an SAT practice test.

I was not blessed with patience. While some may say patience is a virtue, I say "Hurry the fuck up!" should be a virtue. Tomato, tuh-mato. Fact of the matter is, my lack of patience DOES NOT help with homework time so you and your virtues can suck my ass. All I know is, by the end of homework time I have to physically remove myself from the room and go bang my head against a wall so I don't bang my son's head against the table.

Bowen has such intense focus while playing a video game it is scary. I have literally thrown marshmallows at him while he is playing his video games to see how long it would take him to notice. I went through an entire bag of marshmallows. Needless to say, I KNOW the kid can focus when he wants to. Apparently, homework is something he never, ever, EVER has any desire to focus on. Lucky me. 

The worst homework days are Thursdays when we have "The sharing game". I am 100% the kids love it. I, on the other hand, fucking hate the sharing game. Every week we have to find something that will fit into a little brown lunch bag that starts with one of the two letters of the week. You would think this is easy, but really, after you've worked 8+ hours and cooked and cleaned and bathed a kid, it isn't. Once you finally find any fucking object that starts with one of the stupid letters of the week, the kid has to write three sentences that describe the object. The next day they read their sentences and the other students get to guess what is in the brown bag o' mystery. Did I mention this is kindergarten? I wanna say in kindergarten I was learning how to say the alphabet and the teacher spent most of the day making sure no kid ate glue. Times have changed, ya'll.

Not to brag or anything, but my kid has been writing his name and small words for a hot minute. (Must be that fancy Christian preschool I put him in) SO this sentence writing shit should be easy. Then again, so should finding some random piece of junk that starts with one of the letters of the week. Let me tell you...it is not. We never seem to have anything appropriate for any of the letters so we spend like 20 minutes just looking for something. ((Here is what I had: J - Jameson...duh, V - vibrator or vodka, W - whiskey, T - tylenol pm, P - pills, B - brandy...anyways fact is, none of that was good enough, so we had to look for a while)) Then when we do we have to come up with our three clues. This always leads to an argument. Bowen thinks stuff like, "It was in the movie Toy Story" counts. Obviously, that is not a detailed enough clue, hence the arguing. Anyways, when we decide on the three shitty sentences, I write them down on a piece of paper and he has to copy them onto his paper. This is where shit gets cray. 

Below is an example of how our/Bowen's sentence writing homework goes down:

B: MOM, you write your z's weird.

M: Just do it.

Bowen rolls around on the floor, pushes his paper on the floor, drops his pencil, stares at the tv.

M: Bowen, do your work.

He writes two letters. Puts his hands in his pants.

M: Bowen, get your hand off your penis.

He finishes the first word. Sits on the floor.

B: I am SO tired. My head hurts. I have the flu.

M: No you don't. Get your ass up and do your work.

B: You are DA WORST EVER.

M: Yea yea..ok...do your work.

He writes one more word. Sits on the floor, stands up, lays across the table.

M: Bowen Corry Holmes, I will take away your games tomorrow if you don't get up and finish your homework!!!!

He finishes the first sentence. Throws the pencil at the table.

B: I can't do dis.
M: Bowen...pick up the pencil...finish your shit!
B: I CAN'T!!!!
M: Fine...time out..now
B: FINE I'LL DO IT!!

Anyways, this routine goes on for at least 30 minutes. And by then I am annoyed and tired and probably sweaty because my blood pressure is suddenly through the roof. And I am also standing in the hallway banging my head against the linen closet door and trying to remember to count because apparently COUNTING MAKES YOU CALM!!! ((that is a crock of shit))

We have finally finished homework. His writing is pretty bad ass and he has a smile on his face. I need to puke from my sugar intake...or the concussion I just gave myself...but we have high fived and talked about how bad ass he is, so in the end, it was a success.

I love our teacher and school. But I do not love homework. I know he needs it and it helps him. I get it. Doesn't mean I have to like it. Or that it is easy. Or that I will stop banging my head against walls any time soon. But I heard a rumor that a lot of moms feel the same way about homework that I do. They just probably cuss a lot less. So here you go annoyed mommy's, just know, you are not alone. (literally...ever...because you have a child which means you probably haven't peed or showered uninterrupted in years.))