Sunday, January 15, 2012

Don't Buy Lotion If You're Single!!!


Today has been a pretty bad ass day. (Aside from some work issues) I am starting to finally feel better, Bowen and I went to breakfast in our pajamas, watched movies, played trains, baked cookies, had a dance off in the kitchen....

We also had to go to walmart for some groceries. We had a really intriguing conversation in that store.

Bo: Why are you buying lotion?
Me: Because I want soft skin.
Bo: You only need soft skin if you have a boyfriend. ((I stopped in my tracks and had to ponder this))
Me: Well...I don't have a boyfriend.
Bo: You should get one. And another kid.
Me: A boyfriend and another kid?! Well I have you...I don't need another kid.
Bo: Oh and a girlfriend. You need a girlfriend too. SO....you need a boyfriend, a girlfriend, and another kid.
Me: Wow. I am going to be busy.
Bo: Figure it out Mom.


We came home and watched a movie. I did some work. When it came time to cook I told him no more tv so we put some jams on. After we baked cookies and stuff he decided we needed to dance.

Bowen has some awesome moves. Pretty sure he thinks he is a breakdancer. No shit, the kid twirled on his head. It might have only been 3 seconds, but it was pretty bad ass. So anyways, we are dancing and Bowen decides he needs to run the show. A song comes on and he yells, "DANCE" so we both start dancing. Then he yells, "DRINK" and we have to take a drink. Then he yells, "Booty dance" and we both shake our booties. "DRINK"...."DANCE"...."DRINK"..."BOOTY DANCE"....."DRINK"...."DRINK"...."DRINK".....

Kind of worried. There was a lot of drinking going on. And then he'd come over to me, put his hand on my arm, look at me with those gorgeous blue eyes, and sweetly say, "You want me to get you a drink?" I feel like that won't be the last time he uses that line. Or those eyes.

Anyways, I better get off here. I have to find a boyfriend with a kid and a girlfriend. Plus I have been peeing every five minutes after all of our drinking.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

The Joy of Raising My Boy


Raising a boy is a strange experience. Raising a boy alone is even weirder. Things go on in my house that baffle me. I literally have stood in my living room, jaw dropped to the floor, and been speechless. (Which is a very rare thing for me) Let me get into some details...

The other day I was wearing a dress and I needed Bowen to zip it up the rest of the way. It was an easy zip, not like I was squishing myself into it. So I tell Bowen to come zip up my dress and he says, "Seriously mom?? Shouldn't you have a husband to do this??" Umm...maybe I should. But I don't...so shut up.

For Christmas Bowen got a bike. He is a little pro with his training wheels on and rides like the wind. Bowen is also slightly obsessed with the show Ridiculousness on MTV. So we are enjoying some bike riding last Saturday and he goes as fast as he can, starts riding all crazy, and crashes. When he crashes he makes sure his fall contains a few rolls and a very dramatic final fall. When he gets up he said, "Did you video that?!?" I tell him, "No...why?" He gets kind of pissed and throws his arms up and says, "How am I supposed to get on Ridiculousness if you don't video anyfing?!?" (yes..with the f)

I was buying some sunglasses a couple of weekends ago and Bowen saw some Thomas sunglasses so, of course, we had to get them. Now he wears them all the time. He wears them to school and on the way home from school. Even when it is dark. We went to Chili's the other day for dinner and he wore them through the whole dinner. I said, "Hey dude, want to take your sunglasses off?" He says, "Umm no. I am pickin' up chicks like this."

Bowen and I were sitting on the couch watching a re-run of Ridiculousness and Bowen let one rip. It literally vibrated my leg. I said, "Bowen!!!" He giggled and said, "THAT was a grown man fart."

I have been sick for three weeks now. I am pretty sure it is the plague. So I was laying on the couch trying not to die and Bowen was laying on the other side watching a show. All of a sudden he says, "I am SO sick". I am thinking greeeaaaattt...he is going to blow chunks and probably has a fever and awesome..this is awesome. So I asked, "What do you mean you're sick?" He lets out a really big burp and says, "I burp a lot..it is pretty sick!!!" Ughh...really?? Should a 4 year old be saying stuff is sick? What's next, gnarly?

Bowen ran off to the bathroom to go pee and came out with no bottoms on. He has an evil little grin on his fat face so I KNEW something bad was about to happen. He says..laughing the whole time..."Watch me wiggle it!" And starts shaking his butt so his package would shake. Wtf? WTF? lol I yelled at him to go put his underwear back on right then and he giggled and shook his butt on his very slow walk to the bathroom.

Bowen is a big fan of popcorn...or copcorn (that is what we call it). So when he saw the commercial for copcorn chicken at KFC he had to have some. It just so happened that I felt like a big piece of shit, so I thought it was a great idea so I didn't have to cook. I got him his copcorn chicken and we came home. I asked if I could have a piece and he grabbed up the whole little box and said, "If you wanted some copcorn chicken you should have ordered some!!" It was like Gollum and his precious. So not ok.

Bowen usually takes a shower in my shower. It is easier, quicker..makes bed time get there sooner. And I am all about an early bed time. Bowen showered last night and I guess took a transformer in there. After I got him out of the tub and lotioned up and in jammies he said, "Hey mom...I left a transformer in the shower." I said, "Ok" He says, "Yea..he wants to shower with you. I told him it was allowed." So this morning when I got in the shower there was a Transformer sitting on the ledge staring at me. The sad part is..that is the most action I've got in a long time.

I can officially never have a little girl because I would have no idea what to do. I would have no idea what to do with a little girl. If it doesn't have to do with cars, trains, people getting kicked in the nuts, or gross bodily functions, then I am at a loss.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I Am The Worst..Officially


I remember when I was a kid and I thought my parents were the meanest people ever. For example...they would never let me get my own phone line. I thought they were SO mean for that. All my friends had their own phone lines. But me...nope. If I got a phone call after 10pm I got in trouble. ((I mean...it wasn't like I dialed my own number)) Or how they wouldn't let me walk from the movie theatre to Rosa's on the weekends. ((I did a few times anyways...oops..lol)) I could go on and on about all of the MEAN, horrible things my parents did to me when I was growing up, but I am sure that would cause some psychological stress or something. (haha) Anyways, the tables have turned and I am now the mean parent.

It seems like every time I turn around I am listening to a whiney/pissed voice say, "THIS IS THE WOOOOOORST!!!"

Here are some of our recent conversations:

Me: Bowen, you need to get up.
Bo: Do we have school today?
Me: Yes.
Bo: ::whimpering::: This is the WORST!!

Me: Bowen, time to get in the tub.
Bo: Ughhh!!!! This is the worst!!!

Me: Hey dude, you need to put your shoes on.
Bo: THIS. IS. THE. WORST.

Bo: Can I have a happy meal?
Me: No. You got in trouble at school today, so no.
Bo: MOOOOMMY! ((CRYING)) DIS is the worst!!!

So..as you can see...I am the worst. Everything is the worst. Life is the worst.

I really just want to say to him, "Cheer up, buttercup. Things really will get much worse. You'll have health problems and bills and ex's to look forward to." I don't though. Only because the "Why's" will begin.

Now I know how it feels to be the bad parent. The mean one. Granted, I have always been the mean parent because I'm the only parent. It actually just gets easier, I think. I am not even being a really mean mom yet, so the best (worst?) is yet to come. He better just wait until the grounding for weeks comes! Or the yelling at him in front of his friends! ((What? No..my eye is not twinkling!!))