The Not So Happy Blog

Voltaire said, "Tears are the silent language of grief." I have to agree. Because this weekend had started with so much joy and hope...and ended with tears. And all these tears say all the words that I want to...but can't.

I like my blog to be cheery and funny and silly. I like to think that life is short so we shouldn't take things too seriously. But sometimes bad things happen and things aren't always funny or cheery. And I am pissed and sad and a mess.

For the past month I have been telling Jason and a small few that I am pregnant. I didn't have the test in hand proving it...but I knew. I KNEW. I've had a baby before. I have been pregnant before. I knew. I was sick, had headaches, intense sense of smell, exhausted, constipated, bloated..the whole shebang. What I didn't have was a positive test. They kept coming up negative. This did not help my case with Jason. But I am telling you...I knew. And Saturday I had the proof. I had the test proving that I wasn't going crazy.

Jason knew that when I found out I was pregnant with Bowen, my ex husband was at his MOS school for the Marine Corps. Bowen was planned so he was waiting to hear the news. I wrote him this little poem and texted him, and then sent him a pic text of the test. Anyways..I thought it was cute and special and I wanted all of that and more for Jason. He, of all people, deserved it. Anyways I took the test before softball practice..looked at it an hour later and there it was. So I raced to Walgreens and grabbed a balloon that said 'OMG CONGRATS' and a couple of gift tags that were pink and blue and said baby, and two pacifiers. I told Jason to meet me at home and taped all this shit to the front door.

So he pulls in and sees the door and is speechless. Like totally..didn't know what to say or do...he unloaded the back of the truck. (Because we were moving for a week) Anyways..I had been excited for a month. And he got excited. And suddenly everything felt right with the world. I was so happy and was happy to have the sickness and bloating and get fat and feel kicks. So we called his family and told them and a couple of close friends.

That night Jason decided I needed to take another test just to take it. It pissed me off..not going to lie. We had an appointment on Thursday and would be doing a blood test and exam so it would be like 180% for sure proof. I felt like I showed him the proof..what else did he need? But he kept insisting. So Sunday morning I took a test and it came back negative. And I was pissed. I have to tell you..I was already worried bc all my tests were coming back negative. I didn't have that issue with Bowen. And now all these worries swarmed me. Jason and I broke in the new house with an argument that morning. I was pissed at him for pushing it. I was pissed that it came back negative. I was scared. And finally..it dawned on me that the reason why I didn't want to take the test was because I was scared of the results. And they came back with my fear.

Later that day I started spotting. Of course I freaked out. I called two friends who were nurses and they both assured me that it was common (which I knew) and that the fact that I didn't have cramps was a good sign. I was still worried so Jason was googling it over and over again. Of course the word miscarriage came up a few times. NOT a good thing to hear. But I decided to go to bed, call the dr in the morning, and pray for the best.

Monday morning I knew it wasn't ok. I was bleeding a lot and freaking out. Jason and I dropped Bowen off at school and then went to the dr office. I walked in, told them the situation, and immediately got in. My urine test came back negative..again. They did a blood test and got us in the ultrasound room. I immediately started bawling. I was scared shitless.

Anyways...the doctor told us I was having a miscarriage. And that it was common. And that it was mother nature's way of taking care of something that wasn't forming right. And that we can try again in 3-4 months. (but we weren't trying to begin with) And blah, fucking blah. Not helping. So the dr and Jason leave so I can get dressed and I cried.

I lost my baby.

Monday sucked. I mean I was obviously sad. I felt like my body betrayed me. I felt like being a mom and making babies is what I do, I am good at it. And now...I wasn't. I had let my family down and Jason down. I felt like this was my fault. Somehow I caused it. I was the one who should have been protecting my unborn child and it died. It was really, really hard.

And Tuesday rolled around and I was fine. I was seriously fine. Until right before bed. I saw pictures of a pregnant girl, ready to pop, and I was sad. I should be looking forward to that. I should be reading 'What To Expect When You're Expecting' again. I should be puking and happy because I was puking. I should be shopping at Motherhood Maternity and Pea In A Pod. But I'm not.

So today was awful. I cried in the shower before work. I managed to make it through the day and say what everyone expects you to say..that it is ok, it wasn't meant to be, that God has another plan, that I can try again. And with a sad smile. And I did it. I did it ALL day long.

But the day is over. And I am at home and I can finally say what I feel and want to say. So I am going to do it.

I know that people say shit that doesn't help..that doesn't do any fucking good..because they don't know what else to say. I know that. But let me tell you, it is bullshit to hear that you can try again, that you will get pregnant again, that something was wrong and it was for the best, or that God has a plan. Can you guarantee this? Can you tell me FOR SURE that this won't happen again? That I will DEFINITELY have another baby? I didn't think so. So no..that does not make me feel better. And I don't give a damn if something wasn't forming right...that does NOT help. If this baby had been born with two heads, one eye ball, and four ears, I would have loved it. I would have loved that baby as much as I love Bowen. And obviously Jason and I will try again. We are human..we like sex..and eventually we will want to try for a baby. So thanks for the permission. And no..that did not make me feel better. And I believe in a higher power. I believe in God. But at this moment...God's not on my good side.

This is what I know. I feel like I lost Bowen. I know what it is like to be pregnant and feel all those amazing things that makes it wonderful to be a mom. I know what feeling you get the first time you see your baby, the first time you hold it in your arms. I know that intense feeling of love that you can't describe to anyone. And I had all of that. I could picture that. I am telling you that I KNEW I was pregnant. And I loved that baby...negative test or not. I knew it. And it was taken from me. I feel like Bowen, my baby that I snuggle every night, has been taken from me. So I am grieving just like that.

So I appreciate all of the "I'm sorry"s and kind words and even the stupid things people say, like you can try again. I do appreciate it. Thank you for caring. It means a lot. BUT in case you ever have to tell someone again, just an "I am sorry" and "that is so shitty" and "if there is anything I can do for you let me know" is all you should say. Because the other stuff is just air. It doesn't help. It is the same as if you lost your own child. You would appreciate the fact that everyone cared and was concerned...but nothing would help.

Anyways..so there it is. There is the depressing, pissed off, and mess of my life right now. And I think I am in the pissed off stage of grief, so I am venting. It is not fair. I hate that I spent a month being sick and tired and trying to convince people of something and I have nothing to show for it. I hate that I was close..I was having another baby...and it was taken from me. It was stolen from me. And it is bullshit.

I hate to sound like, poor pitiful me, because I can't imagine having a miscarriage at 15 weeks or 6 months...or anything. It is awful. And my heart goes out to anyone who has had to deal with that. My heart aches for any parent who has lost a child. No parent should ever live to see a child pass away..whether they are in your uterus or out. It isn't fair. It is shitty. But here is my moment. I am sad. I am mad. And some day I will be fine. Some day I will move past this and it will just be another sad memory and something that happened. Maybe even something that made me stronger. But for today, it is shitty and I hate it. I hate every last bit of it.

Saving The Best For Last

When I was growing up I was really into the Thundercats and The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Cool cartoons. Legendary cartoons. None of this Barney and Chuggington bullshit. I, of course, have a child who loves one of the shittiest cartoons ever. I am talking about Thomas the Tank Engine. WHY? WHY does he love this British cartoon? I mean who says "cheeky" and "bust my boilers"? Thomas..that is who. Anyways..he is slightly obsessed. And because I am an awesome mom I took him to A Day Out With Thomas like 2 years ago, back when I was single momming it. It was awful. So we skipped last year..but this year...I decided to give it another go. But this time..all Bowen knew was that we were going to California (bc lately he is obsessed with California)...not about Thomas.

So Friday I woke up sick. Sick enough to get sent home from work. I went to the dr that day and basically they did nothing for me. Jason suggested that I stay home and he would take Bowen to California to spend the day with Thomas. But this was a memory that I just couldn't miss. So I packed up a billion kleenex, some allergy medicine, tylenol, and grouchily got in the car.

We head out on our trip..where yelling (from me..I will admit it) immediately began. We had been driving for maybe 20 minutes when I said, "Oh F*&$!!!! I forgot the tickets!!!!" Because to ride Thomas you have to have tickets. So...we turned back around.

After we were seriously on the road we drove and drove and drove. Stopped at the infamous Peggy Sue's Diner. Let me just say...Peggy Sue has probably seen better days. It was disgusting. And disgusting is probably an understatement. Jason and I split the french dip and it was awful. I swear the meat had to be like a week old. Bowen wouldn't even touch his chicken nuggets. And the whole place made me feel like I needed a really hot shower. So...20 wasted bucks later we were back on the road.

We made it to our very nice hotel with an almost ran stop sign, me yelling a few times, and Jason getting confused by the GPS about 3 times. BUT we were alive.

Saturday morning, Bowen woke up at the ass crack of dawn asking if we were in California. I felt like death warmed over and tried to snooze a little longer. Once I was finally awake we went to breakfast and then headed to our final destination of Fillmore, CA. I don't know which town we slept in...all I know is that we stayed at the Hyatt and it was super duper nice.

On the way into Fillmore we had to stop at a train crossing and that is where Bowen found out his surprise. I saw that Thomas was on the back of the train so I told Bowen to look out the window and watch the train. And then he saw him! And his eyes lit up and he was SOO excited. It was totally worth the 6 hour drive while being sick.

We rode Thomas, colored some Thomas pictures, stamped with some Thomas stamps. Jason and Bowen went through the Thomas maze. And after about an hour and a half..we decided it was time to go home. ((Yes..we drove 6 hours for an hour and a half of 3 yr old bliss. MOM OF THE YEAR right here..))

Anyways...Poor Jason had to put up with a super cranky Sarah. And Bowen was cooped up in the car. But it was a good time. And a memory was made. And we all made it out alive. But the best part of the whoooole trip was when I threatened to bust Bowen's ass (don't remember why) and he replied with, "IF you bust my ass, I'm gonna bust your ass!!!"

I'm just glad we are on the same page now.

It's Baseball Season!!!!!

It has been a hot minute since my last blog. But I have been busy...and mostly, exhausted. So anyways...let me take you back two weeks..and tell you about Bowen's first baseball game.

Jason and I don't see eye to eye on most sports. I hate basketball. And I hate the Cowboys. He loves both. BUT...we do agree on baseball. I will be real honest..wasn't really into baseball before Jason. But now I LOVE it. And I LOOOOVE the Rangers. But mostly...I love Josh Hamilton. And CJ Wilson. And Ian Kinsler. So you get the point.

Well for Valentime's day I got Jason (well all of us) tickets to a Rangers spring training game. (It is way too expensive to go to a real game in Texas with the three of us) So...March 25th the three of us hopped in the car and made our way to Surprise, Arizona.

Saturday morning I woke up suuuuper excited about the game. I was hoping and praying I would catch a glimpse of Josh Hamilton himself and then we would ride off into the sunset.....I mean...wait...what?

So we all got up and dressed in our Rangers gear and went to breakfast. Then headed to the ballpark. And Surprise was surprisingly really nice. The stadium was new and wonderful. We watched the guys practice for a while before the game. One of the minor league players came out and talked to Bowen and gave him a high five. And then the equipment manager came out and gave Bowen a ball. (Which I immediately took away and held it lovingly because I am 100% sure that one of my boys, if not all of them, had it in their gorgeously crafted hands) Bowen didn't want to walk around and check things out, he wanted to get to his seat. He meant business. So we went to sit down and Jason grabbed me a margarita (delightful) and Bowen a slushie. Bowen was SO stoked over this. He made a huge mess with his RED (not smart since he was wearing white) drink.

We had some really sweet old folks behind us. (And I mean..sagging ears old) They were really nice...chatted with Bowen...chatted with Jason. (I am sure they would have chatted with me, but I was busy getting pics of CJ and Ian) During the National Anthem the old guys sang..which made me a little teary eyed. Normally the National Anthem makes me tear up, but I just felt like these old dudes really sang it like it meant something special to them. Even Bowen stayed quiet and put his hand over his heart. (it was the wrong hand..but he tried)

I watched a couple innings and Bowen and I took a potty break and hit up the concession stand. We had popcorn, a hot dog, and nachos! I mean..it was Bowen's FIRST baseball game..we had to have the works!

Then around the 4th inning Jason and Bowen got up to go pee and get another drink. I kept waiting and waiting...then the old lady behind me asked, "Did your family get lost?" and I thought maybe they did. Top of the 7th they came back..and I learned that Bowen had a major meltdown. MAJOR. I am just glad that I missed it.

We left in the middle of the 8th inning..we had to drive back home and we wanted to miss all the traffic leaving. And..for the most part had a good trip home. I may never ever want to hear the song 'My ADIDAS' by Run DMC again because Bowen played it until my ears bled. And I will never ever ever ever ever buy another car that does not have cruise control. (I know..completely ridiculous) BUT it was a pretty good drive home.

Anyways..point is...we had a great trip. It was a great memory (except that meltdown..which I know nothing about) and I can't wait to do it again. And I also can't wait for GreenEggs and Hamilton to kick everyone's ass in fantasy baseball this year. But I digress.