I Love The Smell Of Ass In The Morning

I've said it a million times before..and I will say it a million more...mornings in my home are not fun or good or even smooth. No, no...they are most definitely the worst time of day.

I am NOT a morning person. AT ALL. I hate when the alarm goes off..in fact, if my alarm wasn't my phone, I am 100% sure there would be a pile of smashed alarm clocks in the corner. Thankfully...I love my phone..therefore I have yet to smash it.

Bowen, the lovely boy that he is, has the same hate as his mother of mornings. In fact...he may be slightly worse. This morning, my alarm and Jason's alarm went off in seconds of eachother..when we both FINALLY got to the snooze button Bowen raised one arm up and angrily said, "Quiet it down in here!". If I hadn't been SO damn tired, I would have giggled. Most mornings this is what happens..I get almost completely ready (make up on, hair dried, his lunch packed, my lunch packed) and then I go lay in bed with him and say OH SO SWEETLY (for real), "Hey little boy, its time to wake up." Which is instantly greeted with a flailing arm to the face, or whatever other body part is near him, and a screeching, "NOOOO!!!! ITS NOT TIME TO WAKE UP!!!!" I give it like...23 seconds..and say, "Come on Stinky Boy..I will put a video on and you can have a snack." Normally that works. If it doesn't, then I am met with another screeching, "Its not wake up time!!! I still sweeeping!!!". Eventually he wakes up, asks for a video, and a snack. From there on..its not horrible. I pause the movie so he can pee and brush his teeth. Give him cheetos or doritos or dry cereal..whatever snack he wants, and a juice box or milk. And get him dressed. He likes to "help" open the door and turn off lights..so that slows things down..but atleast he isn't screaming or throwing a fit.

Then there are days like today...I had his diaper bag, my bag, my purse all in arms, plus a set of keys in hand and was ushering Bowen out the door. (Did I mention I was running 5 minutes behind schedule?) And Bowen announces, "I have to poop!!!" And runs to the bathroom. WTF? NOW?!? He couldn't hold it 5 minutes until we got to school?? So I dropped everything on the floor and asked if he needed help. He wanted the little Thomas toilet topper thingy, so he wouldn't fall in. And of course, its nowhere to be found. So I told him I would help him on..and not let him fall. He FINALLY (after arguing) says, ok. Then tells me to go away..but meant for me to stand in the doorway..so he could tell me..repeatedly...that he was not going to fall in. And then...in between strains..about how he is a big boy and poops on the potty chair and mommy poops on the potty chair..and then where is Jason?

I swear the kid took like 10 minutes. And then he peed on his shirt. So I ran to find a new shirt...he jumped off the toilet and I walked into the bathroom to see him bent completely over..hands on the rug..with his ass in the air. And he says, "You can wipe my heiney now." Once my eyes were not blinded but his white heiney in the air, I did. And got him re-dressed. And then we could leave.

Why do kids have the WORST timing ever with their bodily functions? Last week he had to poop as soon as we walked into The Home Goods store. Any time we go anywhere..dinner..breakfast..shopping...he has to go. I think he does it as a secret plot against me. Evil child!! ((Can't you see the evil oozing out of him in the picture?? No? Weird. Must be because you're evil too))

Parenting 101

I am a first time parent. Therefore, I am learning as I go. I mean..kids don't come with a manual. And even if they did, I wouldn't read it. So basically...Bowen is my parenting expirement. I am sure my second child will be much more stable and balanced.

I watched the movie, The Runaways, a few weeks ago. I love Joan Jett, so I definitely loved The Runaways. And downloaded a few songs on my iPod immediately after watching the movie. One of the songs is Cherry Bomb. Bowen has now begun to request this song every time we get into the car. And sings along...randomly..and even in random places...like the bathroom at the Home Goods store. I have awesome taste in music...I listen to everything, but have always been more of a rocker. (How can you not love Jimi Hendrix or Eric Clapton or Slipknot? Wait..you don't know who they are? Hold on...I have to re-evaluate our friendship) And hope and pray that Bowen has been blessed in the same way. SO far....it looks good. But it does make me giggle when my three year old sings, "Hewo Daddy, hewo mom. I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb!!!" I am ready for him to learn the next line and watch heads turn as he says, "Hewo world I'm your wiiiild girl! I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb!" I am really, really, really trying to get him into "Satisfaction" by The Rolling Stones. THAT will be a true milestone in Bowen's love for music. However...I have heard of parents not allowing their kids to listen to said types of music. Now..I could launch into a WHOLE speech about this bullshit..but I will spare you. Anyways, I have seen the eyes of the moms staring at me as we jam out in the mornings at daycare (because we can't get out of the car until the song is over) and I only have one thing to tell those types of people....in the words of Ludacris, "Get out my business, my biz-nasssss. Stay the f*&% up out my biz-nass!" ((Didn't know I was so gangsta did ya??))

On Saturday I decided to take us all to the movies. Bowen went to a movie like a year and a half ago with my mom. But since I was not present I refuse to admit he has already been to a movie. So...Saturday I took Bowen to the movies for the first time! I was SOOO excited..and Bowen was super excited about the popcorn. We went to see Gnomeo and Juliet. We got seated and the quiet previews with all the lights were on. Bowen was munching away on popcorn..also known as copcorn..and I was STOKED. And then the lights went out and a preview blared. He jumped. Jason and I both laughed. Anyways..the movie is going good. Bowen has only been slightly loud a few times and I was thinking that I had made a wise investment. Then...halfway through the movie...he practically yells, "Ok I am bored. Can we go now?" I was like WTF?!? I was really enjoying the movie. So Jason and him went potty or something and came back to watch the rest of the movie. So....60 bucks later...I now know not to take him to the movies for another 6 months. Maybe a year. Just for good measure. (60 bucks is like a pair and a half of shoes from ShoeDazzle. Bowen owes me!)

And now...Bowen's hair. I mean you probably look at the picture above and think, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. What a ragamuffin!!!" Well here is the real reason why he looks so gross. He wanted to grow his hair out..and Jason thinks I should let him..until it gets hot outside. Bowen has always played with people's hair. Since he was a baby he had to have his fingers in someone's hair when he was tired or asleep. I think its sweet and cute. Now he has hair of his own to play with so now I feel bad thinking about cutting it off. But he looks so ridiculous right now!! Now my family doesn't approve..and Jason may not either...but I really, really, really want to mohawk his hair again. He looks so cute and tough when he has a hawk! And we get to dye it blue and stuff! I mean really...I am always changing my hair..what makes you think it would be any different with my kids???

And let me end on a note of violence. (Spartacus has really rubbed off on me) A few weeks ago Bowen got in trouble at school. He punched a little boy in the face. And got put on a break. BUT he did tell the kid he was sorry. So I come home from work and Jason drops this on me and is really upset that Bowen did it. I, on the other hand, need a few more details. Why did he punch the kid? What did the other kid do? How do we know the other kid didn't instigate this? WHERE ARE THE DETAILS? Of course he didn't have any. (And he probably brought home the wrong jacket that day too.) And I was too late the next morning to ask. But either way...I am SURE the other kid had it coming.

Really...our life is not THAT exciting. I haven't had my boob pulled out in public lately. (By Jason..not Bowen. Kidding..Kidding!) Bowen hasn't yelled out the F word in front of anyone. He may have punched a kid...but I am pretty sure he wasn't just punchin kids because they were there. Really..it has been just another day in paradise. A paradise filled with bruises, temporary tattoos, and lots and lots of doritos. Like I said...there isn't a manual.

LOVE Day

So it is a little late...but, like my Aunt Sheila always says, better late than never.

Valentime's Day was on Monday. (Yes...ValenTIMES) I like to pretend and say that I HATE this holiday...but I do not. I LOVE it. Yep. LOVE. Jason, on the other hand, hates this holiday. He thinks its all lame and a greeting card holiday and yadda yadda yadda. BUT I disagree. In day to day life it is easy to forget to show the ones you love how much you love them. And no, taking out the trash does not equal love. (Just responsibility) SO...I like it because it is nice to be reminded that someone loves you. (Unless you are single...in which case...Valentime's Day really, really blows)

Jason and I had been going through a bit of a rough patch so he wasn't very sure we were doing a Valentime's day thing..but Saturday I sweetly said, "Are you getting me a Valentine's present? Because I got you one, so you need to get me one." (Seriously..you HAVE to TELL the man this sort of thing..or he won't do it. He needs instruction. He even admits to this. So...no. I was not being a total bitch)

Jason's gift giving abilities started out BAD ASS in 2010. Last Valentime's day he got my a package to a spa, where I got a massage and my hairs did. But then it started going downhill. (I won't go into details..for his sake) SO..Monday rolled around and I had my hopes up. I asked Jason to meet me for lunch since he had the day off. And at lunch I warned him that he better do something good...because my gift for him was bad ass. I told him what was NOT a good gift..so he had some clarity. ((And seriously..this was all joking..but in a joking/threatening kind of way..I needed a good Valentime's day ya'll))

So Monday night I had to go to Sprint because my phone was being a piece of shit and not charging. I sat there for like an hour and was exhausted and ready to go home and see what was in store for me. AND I really wanted to give Jason his present.

When I got out of the car Jason and Bowen met me outside. Inside the house Jason had decorated our coffee table with a pink table cloth, fresh strawberries, a pineapple, a box for microwavable chocolate fondue stuff (LOL I know I know..but its ok), his gift bag, his cards, my card, and the cupcakes I made the night before.

Ok....I really thought all I was getting was fruit and chocolate. Which I had to cut up and melt and dip...myself. (Uhh yes..maybe a little diva-ish, but it was Valentime's day for God's sake) SO...I said, "This is nice J..open your present." And he opened tickets to go see a Rangers spring training game. ((OK I would have bought REAL game tickets, but they were never close enough to us...so this will have to work)) And then he gave me my card. Which was SO appropriate with everything that had been going on. AND FINALLY....another gift. Are you ready?!?!

Tickets to see ERIC CLAPTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was shocked and happy!! I had mentioned Eric Clapton like months ago, but the tickets were pretty effing high..so obviously wasn't going to buy them.

Anyways...all in all it was a great Valentime's. Jason is off to a good start in the 2011 gift giving area and March 6th we will be listening to Cocaine performed by the man himself, up close and personal (ok..in the same arena)!!!

So not only was Valentime's phenomenal...but I think our 2011 is finally make a turn for the better. Here is to lots of love in the coming months!!! <3>

Mommy, WOW, He is a Big Boy Now!

I knew that this day would come. We got off the bottle, off the paci, out of diapers...so this was bound to happen. And obviously, it needed to. No one wants their 35 year old son living at home, making you was his dirty underwear, and cook his meals. Anyways..today...I became one step closer to not having a little boy, but a big boy. Bowen got himself completely dressed..all by himself...today.

Normally I help Bowen get dressed. He may put on his own undies or sock occasionally. But I have a big hand in it. And I don't mind it. But today, he switched everything up!!

OK...I am not a morning person. And every morning we are running late. But today we are definitely running late. And he tries putting his shirt on 6 times. The first time he ALMOST had it, but it needed to be turn a little bit so he could get his arm in the hole. Well he took the whole thing off. And then he had to shake it out to get it turn right side out. And try again. And take it off. And try again. But he got it dude! He got it!

He got his undies on, no prob. Got his jeans on, no prob. Socks took a moment, but he did it.

It was one of those bittersweet moments. I was all, "Way to go man! Thats awesome! You did a great job!", but the inside of me was saying, "Omg...he is not a baby anymore. Soon he won't need me at all. And then he will be moving out! OMG!"

Ever since that moment I just want to hold him and squeeze him and cover him in smoochers. How can he be this big already!?!