Boys and Their...Toys

I'd say it is pretty obvious that my house is always a little crazy. And it is only Bowen and I. Every day is an adventure and you never really know what to expect. It doesn't only pertain to the household...it usually goes beyond the home and to wherever we may happen to be.

We have had a few hilarious/awkward/wtf moments lately...

Obviously if you have a little boy you know that morning wood starts at a very young age. And, if you've ever been in a relationship, it never ends. Anyways, morning wood has caused many awkward mornings for Bowen and I.

The other morning Bowen woke up, I followed him to the bathroom so I could get his toothbrush ready while he peed. I'm minding my own business and I hear giggling and turn to see Bowen peeing EVERYWHERE. This was our conversation...

Me: Bowen!!! What in the.... STOP PEEING EVERYWHERE!!!
Bo: MOM it won't point down. :::Giggling:::
Me: Push it down! PUSH IT DOWN!!!
Bo: It's sticking UP! It won't go down!!
Me: Umm...fuck...well...fuck...lean forward! LEAN FORWARD!!!!

Needless to say in the 12 seconds this conversation took, he had emptied his entire bladder...all over the bathroom.

A few days later we had another penis problem.

Bowen has a little girlfriend in his after school program. She is the daughter of one of the teachers and the two are like a little married couple. It's all very love/hate.

Well Bowen was leaving so the little girl decided to give Bowen a hug. Bowen was NOT having it. Finally they had a long hug...a LONG hug...and we were ready to go. Except Bowen was doing the pee-pee dance. So, like any good mother, I asked if he needed to pee.

Me: Bowen, do you have to pee?
Bo: No.
Me: Well you're standing funny.
Bo: I'm good.
Me: Are you sure? Because you're acting like you need to pee.
Bo: I said no...
Me: Ok well it's a pretty long drive home, so if you need to go...
Bo: MOM I do NOT have to pee!!! My penis is sticking up!!!

I don't blush easily. Nor do I get embarrassed easily. I was embarrassed. I was blushing. LUCKILY the daughter's mom was not offended and laughed about it. Thank the fuck. Needless to say...the next time he says he does not have to pee, I'm gonna believe him.

And then there is always the bathroom in public issue.

I'm a single mom. Have been basically since he was born. So basically the poor guy has to pee in the girl's bathroom wherever we go.

The other day we were at the Dr's office and we had to pee. The stalls were ridiculously small so I stood outside his stall while he went pee.

I'm checking my Twitter, listening to the bitching wives in the two stalls next to us, almost totally minding my own business.

Then I hear...

Bo: Oooh yeaaaaa...peeing with my penis.
Me: Bowen!! Shut up.
Bo: MOM I can spell things in the water. With my penis.
Me: Ok cool. Finish peeing.
Bo: Don't be mad because you can't write in the water with your penis.
Me: I'm not Bowen! Shut up. Pee. Let's go.
Bo: Fine. I am almost done. Peeing. With my penis.

What can I say? He is proud to be male. Aren't they all, though??

Now Accepting Applications

I hate dating. And since I am, yet again (or still??), single I feel like I should just vent (for fellow single parents) and inform the masses (those wanting to date aforementioned single parents) about dating and the single parent.

Everyone talks about how much dating sucks. I agree...to an extent it does. But, rest assured, dating and being a single parent sucks waaaaaay harder. Let me explain...

When dating and raising a child, the dates automatically have added pressure. You are spending time away from your child, paying for a sitter, more than likely receiving guilt trip of the year, and there is actually a third party involved...so it is like a totally un-fun threesome, whether the third party is present or not. I don't know about other single parents, but for me, I am not about to waste my time on someone who isn't going to work well with my child, so it is less fun-date, more interview. Whether that is how it is meant to be or not. I can go into a date thinking "Just have fun", but since I am a decent parent, my child is obviously being thought of.

If you don't like kids, don't date me. I have one with me 24/7...no fucking weekend or summer or spring break or Christmas breaks...he is ALWAYS with me. If you don't want to date someone with a kid, cool, let's get that shit out of the way immediately. Why waste your time? And we certainly are not wasting my fucking time. You aren't the first, and you definitely will not be the last, man-child who cannot handle dating someone with a kid. Now run along and find a wanna-be Barbie who wants to go to the club 5 nights a week.

If you have the balls to take me on a date while knowing I have a child, please understand that the kid will always come first. Always. If you are that insecure that you can't handle a 5 year old being more important than you, we were never meant to be.

Also, important to remember, that I (or any other single parent) am not available at the drop of a hat. We have to PLAN. Scary, I know. See, when you have a small child who cannot take care of themselves, you must make sure that said child is being properly looked after when you are not around. Needless to say, shooting me a text at 3:30 asking me to hang out at 7 is fucking annoying AND probably won't happen. Babysitters are not always available...they don't hand out a roster of 700 qualified girls looking for a part time gig when you leave the hospital. (Would be nice though) And not only that, MOST single parents are a little strapped for cash and babysitters are at least 10 bucks an hour. ((Helpful Hint: Earn bonus points by paying for said sitter once in a while))

Ok...honestly...it has been SO fucking long since I've "dated" that I don't know what else to write about. Being a single parent is hard. Dating and being a single parent is harder. And if you plan on dating a single parent, just know it will be challenging. So if you have big enough balls to step up to the plate, fucking treat her/him right. They don't have time for your shenanigans.

The good thing about dating a single mom (from what I am told) is that they are reliable. They can take care of themselves AND another living being. I'm also told we are more mellow. Probably because any night away from cartoons and a meal not consisting of dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets is a fucking vacation. And, the obvious, we put out. ((Not necessarily on the first...or even third date...but at least you know that we know how to handle biz in the bed))

Anyways, here is my vent about dating a single parent. I have decided that I am going to be a single mom for the rest of my life and I need to start buying animals in bulk. I am allergic to cats so being a cat lady is out and too cliche for me. Take my advice...heed my warnings... And also, send applications my way if you are looking! ;-) Kidding.