In the last month Bowen and I have moved. At first I loved this place, now, not so much. There is something weird about it. It is negative. I need to smudge or cleanse this apartment ASAP because ever since we moved in I have been in a HORRIBLE funk. And by horrible funk, I mean really dark place. I know I am not really rainbows and butterflies, more like cusswords and sarcasm, but I have been not ok. I cry all the time now. And I am not a crier!! And this, my friends, is why I have not been blogging. No one wants to read some depressed shit about how I feel like my life is a train wreck and I don't know what I am doing. I just read that sentence and want to un-read, so yea.
Anyways, Bowen does not handle change well and I don't handle change well (according to my therapist at least) so we are both a fucking mess. And really any time I am sad or whatever, the kid picks up on it (bless his heart) and that doesn't make things any better. So I really need to get my shit under control because my baby is about to turn five and start kindergarten and I want him to look back on his childhood and not remember his mom being a depressed lunatic. I just want him to remember her being a lunatic.
So aside from my house being some negative energy pit, I have also been trying to figure out wtf I am doing. I seriously thought that by now I would have more shit figured out. Instead, I am trying to decide how to pay for Bowen's school for the next year and what to do about daycare during school holidays and if I will ever get cable again and how to do a better job at work and if I eat a poptart at 10:30pm does it immediately go to my ass and make me gain a pound? Plus, I am on my own 100% out here suddenly and it is kicking my ass. Some days you need help...and on those days...I gotta be my own help. In fact, the therapist pointed out last week that I really am out here 100% by myself and without anyone to talk to because no one relates. And I LOVE my friends, they are truly amazing, but we aren't in the same boat, so they don't get it. I don't understand their situations either, so I ain't mad at 'em. And honestly, I wouldn't wish my situation on people, so yea. I am ronery...oh so ronery. ((TEAM AMERICA))
Please, for the love of God, tell me that at least one other parent (single parent preferably) that this is normal and I am not a complete moron/shitty parent. I am just a little overwhelmed and I know any day now my big girl panties will magically come on and I will power through everything. I usually work better under pressure. So I'm not really sure wtf the problem is as of late. I know it'll get better and I will be on my ass-kicking track again. I think it starts with the cleansing of the negative energy in here. Who is coming over to smudge? Tomorrow. We need to do it tomorrow. Any takers?!
Anyways, I will get back on the blogging about the fact that my son asked me if douche was a bad word, then telling me one day that being a girl and having a vagina seemed cool, and that being the worst mommy ever then the best mommy ever in one day is seriously emotionally confusing. I'll be back to that folks. Just trying to get my shit under control.
