And So It Is

I'm just going to start out by saying I am having some INTENSE pms. Yep. Like serious mood swings, eating everything in the house, and watching every available rom/com and Lifetime movie. It is not ok. Seriously...I need an intervention.

But this week..hell this whole year...has been hellacious. And this week..has been topped off by the pms of 76 teenage girls all rolled into one. Thank you Mother Nature, you bitch.

So...while I sit here with my plate of butterscotch oatmeal cookies and my massive diet pepsi, I need to vent a little. And where better to vent than by the interwebs?

First of all...I am trying to get back in the swing of this whole single motherhood thing. And it sucks a big one. I am a little bit pissed at myself for getting so used to having help. But really I just want to know when it gets a little easier. With this break up my kid has been affected, which I have never had to deal with. So his attitude BLOWS. He has been acting like a little shit and it sucks being the bad guy...but I do it. Then I have to figure out how to get out of the house and to work earlier than normal because I have to leave earlier so I can make all my hours for work. Easier said than done when you can't sleep at night because you are stressing out AND freaked out by every sound in the house. Due to the lack of sleep I look like ass and am running low on patience. Deadly combination. And this is the first break up I have gone through without any family here with me. I really just want a big hug and girls day with my mom. I mean without my mom I never, ever would have made it through my divorce, and since this is practically my second one, I wish she were here just as much.

Secondly, what is wrong with car salesman? Are they taught to be blood sucking demons? Or was I just lucky enough to get that guy? As you all know (because the three people who read this shit are my family) I got a new Camaro. Friday, I got a call from my car salesman telling me that I owe the bank that financed my Jeep $256. I asked how this was my problem considering he told me at the time of signing that they would pay off the rest owed on the Jeep. So I did some research, found out that I did now owe $256 more because the Chevy company has yet to pay off the Jeep. Now..really pissed...I call back the Chevy company and as soon as I hear my salesman voice ask, "Are you trying to f@*$ me right now? Because it really feels like it." When he explained that the pay off has now gone up since they haven't paid off the Jeep yet (no shit Sherlock) I owe that amount. So I say, "Ok...fine. If you're going to make me pay this shit, you can have the fu@#$*& car back. I will be there in 20 mins, have my fu$#@^& Jeep ready." THANKFULLY..because I really love my Camaro...he changed his tune really quick. But seriously...wtf!?! Do they just rape every young, female that buys a car from them, or am I special? Gahhhhhh...just pisses me off all over again.

Next on the list...why do kids HAVE to pee every time you enter a store, restaurant, sit down to eat, or watch a show. Not only does he have to pee, but he decides to talk about everything in the world, he needs a drink, and a snack and everything under God's sun. It kills me. He could go ALL day without wanting me to do anything with him, until I sit down to enjoy my Lifetime movie or reality show. I literally told Bowen I would let him have 4 cookies if he didn't speak until the next commercial. He couldn't even handle that! Does this ever end? Or am I stuck with this for the next 14 years? Anyone??? Anyone???

And where the hell is the one? The one that I see in The Back Up Plan and You've Got Mail and The Princess Bride?? I mean seriously?! I refuse to join match.com or any of that shit. I just have heard one too many horror stories. Lets just say some people have really learned the art of Photoshop. But my point is...I've been married, practically married, and now I'm single again. And damn it I want some romance. I want someone who sweeps me off my feet and gives me butterflies. Not some doucher who wants to know what color my panties are. And the real problem is I live in Vegas. Where the men are like Ed Hardy/Affliction/Jersey Shore/WWF freaks all rolled into one. It is some serious bullshit. And where the hell am I...a working mother...going to meet a decent dude?? I might as well start collecting cats right now. Oh wait..I'm allergic. I really am screwed. And not even literally...damn it.

AS a final note...look...I have a big heart. I always want to think the best of everyone. I have been friends with guys and girls who were bad-mouthed and completely misunderstood since I was a little girl. I have gotten teary eyed during the National Anthem for as long as I can remember. I have been the odd man out since...well forever because I refuse to just go with the flow. But I am always a good friend. And I help people out as much as I possibly can. I will bend over backwards for someone if they are a good person. Now with all of this comes a serious issue if the other party breaks that trust or does something shitty. Anyways...long story short..someone did just that. Someone I thought was a really good person and someone I could trust and count on, really broke my trust and heart. I cried all night, couldn't sleep, and was miserable that day and the next. And it sucks. It sucks to be a genuinely good person (I didn't say perfect..just good) and have things like this happen repeatedly. It makes it really hard to not lose hope and faith when every time you do, you get knocked back down.

So...my Lifetime movie is almost over...it is an hour past my son's bed time..and I am sure I need to do some more laundry. And I just threw myself a big pity party. Pretty sure my night is complete. Ok..fine..maybe after one more chick flick and a half dozen more cookies. Now this...is the upside of the single life.

Songs On Repeat

I've been listening to this song over and over again...we all have that one song that we put on repeat when we are in certain situations. Sometimes when we are lucky its a love song...other times it's a song that explains heart break ((Bonnie Raitt's 'I Can't Make You Love Me' was my anthem during my divorce)) and some times it is a song that explains all the hate and anger you have festering inside your deep, dark soul. (No? That is just me?) ANYWAYS...the song I keep replaying right now is Run by Snow Patrol.

My son is my whole life...my whole world...my everything. Has been since the day I found out I was pregnant with him and this kid and I have been through some shit together. Once again...it is back to just me and him (like we have been destined for it to be just the two of us since the beginning) and it breaks my heart. Not because I'm single..but because in the midst of this whole thing I have hurt him.

The song says, "You've been the only thing that's right, in all I've done"

And out of all the shit I've done in my life. The college decisions, the marriage, the divorce, the friend choices, the dates, the jobs...just everything...the only thing that has ever been 100% right was him. Looking back on my relationship with Jason and where we are now I wonder what the hell I was thinking? And if I made a huge mistake. Hind sight is always 20/20 I guess.

I was the product of divorce...I mean who the hell isn't nowadays? But I always said I would never end up divorced. And I am...and I feel like I am in the middle of my second one. And the second one is worse than the first. This time my son knows something is wrong. This time my son is really losing a dad...because until Jason he had a sperm donor..not a dad. And this time it really affects Bowen more than me. So not only did I fail...but I failed my kid.

I know...I know..he will be fine. He is a strong kid. It is what is is. Kids bounce back. I have heard it all. And guess what...doesn't make me feel any better. But I commend you all on your valiant efforts.

So as the song says, "I know we'll make it anywhere"

And Bowen and I will. We have been through a lot. We have moved from Texas to California to be with the person we were supposed to live happily ever after with, California to Texas and had to start completely over. Texas to Vegas...and began a new life as a new family. And now we start the next chapter. I don't know what this chapter will bring. So far it has included a lot of confusion, horrible behavior by Bowen, and lots of tears. As well as a new hair color and new car. (I think I officially had my midlife crisis)

So..my little brat boy, Bowen...if you ever end up reading this...I just want you to know...you may never fully understand why I've done the things I've done, but since you've been conceived you have been the reason for everything I do. (Including the occasional drunken night...hey Mom's need and deserve a break) You are my whole world and I love you more than words will ever ever be able to explain. And "Even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you dear".